Your Kid’s Emotional Bucket

Bucket Filler

A friend of mine recently posted information about a kid’s book on her Facebook page. I was successfully distracting myself from more important things in my life, so I explored the link (and its links) and down the rabbit hole I went.

A System for Talking About Feelings

I discovered a whole system for dialoging about feelings that resonates with me. In fact, I use similar language when talking about our kids’s emotions with my husband, but I never knew about “the bucket”.

So, after reading my friend’s Facebook update, I went to the bookstore and bought two excellent books about bucket filling. (I’ll link to them at the bottom.) We came home, read the books, and quickly adopted this new language  - a kid-friendly language for emotions.

The Invisible Bucket

In short, everyone has an invisible bucket that they carry around. When you are feeling good and helping others, your bucket is full. If something bad or frustrating happens, some drops drip out of your bucket.

With any accumulation of bad things, a bucket becomes pretty empty. You can usually tell if someone has an empty bucket by their actions or facial expressions.

Often when people have empty buckets, they try to fill theirs by dipping into someone else’s bucket. Trouble is, that never works.

It turns out that the best way to fill your own bucket is to try to fill someone else’s, by smiling at the new kid, or helping someone with a spill. Then, both buckets get drops. Your family can make a list together of ideas for filling other people’s buckets.

Bucket filling is a system that has given us useful language for both constructive and destructive behavior. It’s a terrifically simple idea and that’s what I love about it! Emotions can be so confusing and complicated and the idea of bucket filling (or dipping) is visually appealing and concrete. It’s a concept that works for everyone in my family – including the 3 year old. We talk about filling other’s buckets often at dinner or the family meeting. Sometimes my kids like to decide in the morning how they will fill someone’s bucket during the day. It’s so cool!

Have You Filled a Bucket Today?

Amy, over at The Finer Things, encourages readers to find their own bucket filling opportunities:

Have You Filled a Bucket Today? Do you speak kindly? Go out of your way  to brighten someone’s day? Give of your time, talent, and treasure? Carry the load of a friend in need? Hug your hubby and your kids extra long before they leave for the day? Smile often? Leave a comment on a inspiring website? Bucket-filling opportunities abound!

Bucket Filling Resources:

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Should We Talk to Kids About Skin Color?

This article is being republished in honor of Martin Luther King Day.

diversity

Parents frequently tip-toe around the sensitive topic of race.

Does highlighting skin color differences create a further sense of otherness or division among the races? Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman sought answers to this question for their provocative book, NurtureShock.

Through their research the authors noted that many parents (especially caucasian parents) were uncomfortable talking about a person’s skin color for fear of teaching a racial construct.

Yet, to the researcher’s surprise, it was exactly this silence that was allowing already formed constructs to persist. The constructs were already there from the earliest ages!

Children categorize (i.e., make constructs) to make sense of this complex world, beginning when they are just babies.

Babies notice differences and categorize accordingly, but they don’t have preferences yet. These preferences begin as young as 3 years old. But, at no point are children color-blind toward race, like many adults hope.

Kid’s are developmentally prone to in-group preferences or favoritism. Differences in skin and hair color are like differences in shirt colors – they are visible to the eye without needing to be labeled.

It would seem that the timeframe parents think is too soon to begin discussing skin color with their children (or important not to discuss race) is the same timeframe that these young minds are forming their first conclusions about race.

Many parents quietly and subtly help their children feel comfortable and connected in this diverse world, by simply exposing them to diversity and assuming that this diversity becomes the accepted norm. That was the premise I was operating under prior to reading this book.

To my surprise, Bronson and Merryman conclude that it is critical to speak with children about racial differences in order to ensure less divisive attitudes. Simply exposing your children in meaningful and tangible ways to multi-racial people is not enough. There needs to be conversation!

A conversation with my daughter started after school yesterday when she began telling me the story of Rosa Parks refusing to sit in the back of the bus. She told the story with dramatic intonation and keen detail, just as her teacher would. Yet, when I asked her why Rosa Parks had to sit in the back of the bus, she shrugged.

I began explaining (so that a 5 year old might understand) that Rosa Parks had dark-colored skin.We looked at our own skin and talked about some friends with darker skin. I explained how people with light-colored skin used to be very mean to dark-skinned people. Before I could get very far, my daughter chimed right back in agreeing how long ago black people were not allowed to share the same bathrooms or drinking fountains with white people.

As much as I wanted to go into the ugly history here, I refrained. Little bits of information are easier to consume than long diatribes. Especially after an exhausting day of kindergarten.

Below are two children’s books that might help the conversation along:

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4 Steps to Raising Thankful Children

As Thanksgiving approaches, the chaos of the winter holidays can overshadow its essence. The spirit of thankfulness is a complex one for young kids to grasp, but by by modeling generosity all year long and talking about the subject, your child will begin to absorb and emulate this emotion. It’s a great start to discuss thankfulness during this time of year, but its more powerful to incorporate it into the everyday all year long.

And I’m not talking about the usual prompt, “What do you saaaay?” that we’ve all sung to our kids. Reminding kids to say thank you is simply a matter of politeness and doesn’t necessarily translate into a general attitude of gratitude.

So, how do we raise thankful children?

  1. Make gratitude a habit. Spend time each day appreciating what you have (love, shelter, food, family, friends, courage). You might create a daily ritual or tradition to help you remember to be grateful and establish family traditions for thinking about what we are thankful for and sharing it with others. Maybe you have a thankful tree, journal, shoebox, tablecloth, calendar, or space on the refrigerator.
  2. Adopt an attitude of gratitude. This means being thankful no matter what our situation in life. Thankfulness means that we are aware of both our blessings and disappointments but that we focus on the blessings.
  3. Express your thanks out loud. Don’t be quietly thankful. Your children need to know you are thankful for them, for your home, for friends, mentors, and for the other good things in your life. Celebrate your thankfulness often and initiate conversations.
  4. Be generous or giving and express how it affects others. Talk about being on both sides: giving and receiving. There are many ways to give: donating blood, money, food, clothing, time, and/or energy. Share these experiences with your children. Many community service projects are appropriate for elementary aged children.

By establishing any one of these practices, you can move the spirit of Thanksgiving from a one-day event to a foundational aspect of life.

For inspiration on crafts incorporating the theme of thankfulness, check out the projects on this fabulously artsy site.

Related post:

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School Reform in the Limelight

Earlier this week I had the privilege of seeing Waiting for “Superman”, the highly acclaimed (and criticized) documentary about public education.

Is Waiting for “Superman” anti-teacher?

This moving documentary follows 5 young children as it explores the public school system. The stories are heart breaking, but that hasn’t prevented the film from coming under attack. Some of the arguments I’ve heard have merit. Others, such as the claims that it is anti-teacher, seem absurd. Waiting for “Superman” isn’t anti-teacher. It’s anti- bad teacher. Although the movie over-simplifies the issue, Waiting for “Superman” is stirring a much needed sense of urgency around our underperforming educational system.

I fear that those who are criticizing specific statistics and nuances of this documentary are dismissing its basic message and risk throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

The basic take away of the movie is that test scores are low because of bad teachers. The bad teachers are still employed because of teachers’ unions. Unions don’t differentiate between a good teacher and a bad teacher. The argument is that test scores would be better if principals could fire bad teachers and hire excellent teachers, instead of the ridiculous lemon dance. The lemon dance is the common practice of schools trading their worst performing teachers at the end of the school year for the worst performing in another school. No one is fired. Just shuffled along.

Whatever path we take, I think everyone can agree that the public education system needs to be improved. If not overhauled all together.

Some alarming statistics:

  • In America, a high school student drops out every 26 seconds.
  • More than 1 in 10 high schools are defined as dropout factories. (12% of U.S. public high schools produce nearly half of the nation’s dropouts and 58% of African-American dropouts.)
  • 60% of inmates are high school dropouts.
  • It’s cheaper to send a child to private school for 12 years than pay for 4 years in jail.
  • Public education costs about $9,000/year per student.
  • Only 1 in 5 charter schools are successful.
  • SEED ( a successful charter school featured in the film) spends $35,000/year per student.
  • 50% of the current teaching core is eligible for retirement over the next 10 years. By 2014, the U.S. Department of Education projects that our nation’s schools will need to hire as many as 1 million new teachers.

Changing the teaching profession

Hopefully it goes without saying that improving the educational system begins by improving the education. This begins by improving the teachers. Right now an alarming number of adults go into the profession because “it is a part time job where you get the summers off”. However, I don’t know of a single teacher who works less than 40 hours every week. In fact, many teachers don’t even have the summer off. During summer “vacation” teachers seek professional development, enhance their classrooms, or work a second job to pay the bills.

It seems that adding more value to this profession is a critical shift to improve the system. Top performing countries recruit teachers from the top third of college graduates. It’s no surprise that in these same countries, teaching is viewed as a prestigious and well-respected profession.

Improving teaching in the US must begin by:

  1. adding more value and prestige to the teaching profession by talking about teaching, and teachers, in a different way.
  2. better screening for teachers.
  3. better support.
  4. higher salaries.
  5. better training.
  6. reduce the appalling rates of child poverty

There are many really good reads about this documentary and our educational system. Here are a few:

Does Teaching Have a Branding Problem?, by Lesley Chilcott

Building a Better Teacher, by Elizabeth Green

The Myth of Charter Schools, by Diane Ravitch

Why aren’t our teachers the best and the brightest?, by Paul Kihn and Matt Miller

How to fix our schools: A manifesto, by Joel Klein, Michelle Rhee and other education leaders

Sidenote:

I can’t help but mention that this preview was sponsored by the US Chamber of Commerce. The movie was shown on Monday at 3pm, which obviously hinders most parents, teachers, or principals from attending. In attendance were many elected officials, including the city council and school board members, the superintendent and other DPS administrative staff, and businessmen and women. There was a lively conversation afterward that would have been better balanced had parents, teachers, and principals been in attendance.

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