Your Kid Eats WHAT?

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In my parent coaching practice, I’m often asked, “How can I cope with – or turn around – my picky eater?”

The answer varies depending on the child and family, of course, but a few general principles apply to all kids and families. It’s important to understand that  kids are picky eaters for a variety of reasons, least of which is just to be difficult.

Why Kids Don’t Beg for Brussel Sprouts:

  1. they are biologically wired to resist bitter flavors and seek out sweet flavors
  2. they may have limited exposure to a variety of tastes, textures, colors
  3. they may not have healthy eating models
  4. they may have sensory problems such as hypersensitivity to smells and tastes or “oral defensiveness” (Sometimes the child might require professional intervention with an occupational therapist for support.)

Usually these issues can be addressed simply by broadening the child’s food experiences. As trying and demoralizing as it can be, continue to offer multiple healthful choices, so that your child can pick and choose. Even if it’s been refused before, continue to offer it with confidence.

Tips to Encourage Healthy Eating:

  • Expose your child to previously rejected food over and over again. It takes 15 exposures before children acquire specific tastes.
  • Model a healthy relationship with food. Oooh and ahhh over vegetables the same way you might a slice of cake or scoop of ice cream.
  • Talk about eating all of the colors of the rainbow. Encourage adventurous eating. Have your child choose a new fruit or vegetable at the store or farmer’s market to try.
  • Prepare healthful snacks (fresh fruit and veggies) so they are easily accessible. Make these available when kids are their hungriest (just before a meal).
  • Encourage and give positive reinforcement for adventurous, healthy eating.
  • Teach about the importance of good nutrition (Think about reasons that matter to kids – grow tall, have strong bones and muscles, run fast)
  • Give your child some control. Let him help with shopping or cooking or planning a meal and allow him to choose 1 of 2 new foods to try at a meal.
  • Growing Food. Call healthy food, “growing food”. Kids value growing much more than being healthy.

Some kids will always eat anything. Some kids will become more adventurous with more exposure. Some kids will ebb and flow with their preferences. Like so many things parenting, it’s all in the presentation. If there is a negative charge in the food dynamic, take a step back and stop pushing. And by all means, DO NOT label your child as a picky eater. Once you do, you will have a picky eater. And a power struggle.

Easy tip: While I cook dinner, my kids each chomp on a whole, peeled carrot. They love these and I can feel good about it too. It eliminates (or minimizes) that end of the day grouchiness. Hunger and exhaustion are often the culprits, and a healthy snacks tends to eliminate as much of that grouchiness as possible.

Healthy Family Cookbooks:

Deceptively Delicious, by Jessica Seinfeld (Jerry’s wife). This is a great cookbook for those wanting to conceal the vegetables. I find it particularly useful for getting veggies into baked goods.

Organic Baby & Toddler Cookbook, by Lizzie Vann. This book is full of easy, tasty everyday recipes.

Feeding the Whole Family, by Cynthia Lair. A book filled with flavor-FULL meal ideas using only whole foods. It’s a great start for introducing lots of different flavors to your wee ones that you’ll enjoy too.

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The Thank You Card: a lost art

Birthday season is wrapping up in our house. It spans from mid-May to mid-July. The last one is today! It’s a particularly sentimental one for me too, marking my foray into motherhood six years ago.

We’ve had two months filled with balloons and pools and camping and cupcakes and chocolate tarts and good beer, depending on the celebrant. Or not. We’ve also made and written many, many thank you cards to our generous friends and family. Each one presents an opportunity to create art, choose someone to share it with, and reflect on their kindness and generosity. It’s a regular practice around here to feel grateful.

With each passing year, though, The Thank You Card seems to be falling more and more out of favor. It’s become about as quaint as a telephone cord.

The Demise of the Thank You Card

If adults choose not to show basic grace and courtesy, that’s one thing. They can easily chalk it up to being too busy. But to not teach a child that value?! To not even introduce it as an important exchange with another person is unfathomable to me. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but this is one tradition I highly value.

Why a Thank You Card is Important

Whenever someone does or says something kind to your child, I imagine you respond, “What do you saaaay?” …wondering when your child will learn to spit this out on her own. We want to hear the appropriate response, even if it lacks genuine feeling.

Yet it seems so many parents miss the opportunity for the child to initiate the gratitude. Thank you cards offer the perfect opportunity for the child to give back (with art and/or kind words) on her own terms.

Consider the Child’s Perspective

Remember, young kids are self-focused. They are wired that way. Because of that, they are better able to express genuine gratitude on their own terms. In their own time.

Now, that’s not saying that you shouldn’t prompt your child to say “thank you” when appropriate. This is still important. But after the party has ended or the grandparents have left, it is equally important to help your child reflect on the generosity of friends and family and follow this through a demonstration of their appreciation.

Involve the Child, for Pete’s Sake!

Once a child can hold a crayon, he can help with the card. He can decorate it. He can “sign” it. He can put a stamp on the envelope. He can put it in the mailbox. As children master new skills, they can participate much more. My six-year-old will make the cards, write the cards, seal the envelopes, put the stamps on and get them to the mailbox. It may seem like a lot of work, but just a few minutes every day knocks them out in no time.

And, if you can, encourage others to write thank you notes to your kids, modeling this lost art. Kids LOVE receiving thanks too!

Slightly related posts:

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2 Tips for Positive Parenting

What does positive parenting mean to you? Do you see it as your own enjoyment of parenting or more about nurturing the positive traits in your children?

Often the two go hand in hand. When we feel good about our moment-to-moment parenting choices, our kids are likely to feel good too. But when our kids are running on empty (lacking physical or emotional fuel), then parenting gets more difficult. It’s in these difficult parenting moments that our responses are the most tenuous.

Being able to anticipate and recognize these moments is what mindful parenting is all about. Mindful parenting makes parenting more fun and fulfilling and less of a burden or mystery. Mindful parenting includes positive parenting.

Mindful, positive parenting allows you to be able to say YES to your child more often without giving in, while also bringing out the behavior you want. (You can find specific tips for becoming a more mindful parent here.)

2 Tips to Keep it Positive

#1: Saying Yes instead of No

Consider this scenario: You are tucking your toddler into bed for the night. Like most toddlers, she would rather stay awake with you than end the day and face the discomfort of separation. She hugs you and pleads, “I want to be with you.”

You could respond:

“No honey, it is time for bed.”

or simply try to find a way to say yes

“Okay, when you wake up we’ll snuggle and read a book together.” (*positive parenting response)

If you are parenting mindfully, it’s easier to keep your bearings. You know that your toddler just wants to be with you. You can acknowledge her so that she feels heard and understood, but not “give in” to an extended bedtime.

#2 Positive Reinforcement

You are preparing dinner and your children are finally playing quietly in the next room for the first time in ages.

You could:

1. Continue cooking without interruption and enjoy the quiet. Maybe you’ll even have an extra moment to brag about it on Facebook.

or

2. You could step away from the kitchen for a moment to acknowledge and reinforce this desirable behavior, “You guys are doing a nice job playing together.”

It’s a well known fact that angry people make noise and happy people remain silent. We see it in parenting. We see it in politics.

When our kids are behaving well (playing nicely with siblings or friends, willingly completing homework, getting ready for school on time) it’s easy to remain quiet. To say nothing. Yet the moment there is a problem, we are quick to speak up.

But that means that kids predictably get our attention when they do something negative. So what do you think they’ll choose next time they really want some connection/attention from you? They’ll choose the surest form – negative attention.

We know that it doesn’t matter whether it’s negative or positive attention, if kids want it they will take it in whatever form you dish it out. So, start dishing out positive attention (especially if it is unexpected and/or in front of other people) and see your child’s behavior shifts. Enjoy the benefits of positive parenting.

Bonus tip: Praise requires a little mindfulness too or else it can backfire. You can read more to learn how to effectively praise your child.

When you are feeling a little worn out this evening, remind yourself of the two tips for keeping it positive. You’ll enjoy a smoother evening! And feel better about yourself too.

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The Sex Talk – Kindergarten Style

I was certain the kids were well on their way to dreamland when BG called me into the bedroom.

I replied like I always do when there are bedtime theatrical performances, “Oh no, is there blood? Are you okay?” [A fairly recent bedtime rule is that after we say goodnight, they need to help themselves to the bathroom or to another drink of water. They can call for us if there is blood, or some other emergency.]

BG says, “Mom, how do you know how old a baby is when it is born?”

Me: “That’s a good question. Let’s talk about it in the morning.”

BG: “Please, please tell me. I really want to know.”

Okay, I’ll answer this seemingly simple and thoughtful question.

Me: “Even though the baby grows for awhile inside the mom’s belly, it is considered 0 when it is born. Then it becomes a few minutes old, a few hours old, eventually days and weeks and years.”

BG: “But, I mean, how do they know when it is ready to come out?”

Me: “Oh, it all has to do with the last time the mom had her period. Then it is about 40 weeks after that until the baby comes out.”

BG: “But can the mom decide when to have a baby?”

Me: “Sure.”

BG: “How?”

Me: “Well, once she decides then she can snuggle with daddy in a special way.”

BG: “What’s the special way?”

Me: “BG, I would really love to talk with you about this more, but this isn’t the time. Let’s talk in the morning.”

BG: “Please, just tell me quickly.”

I didn’t need much convincing. I knew this was important and not sure why it had to happen at that moment, but I also knew such a perfectly natural opportunity might not come around for awhile. I want to maintain the open environment that we have already established, where my kids know their questions are always welcomed and valued. I jumped on it!

Sex or Snuggle

Me: “Well, this special snuggle is called sex. It’s when the dad puts his penis into the mom’s vagina.”

BG: “To make it big enough for the baby to come out?”

Me: “No. To squirt something called sperm. If the sperm touches the egg that is inside of the mom, then it can grow into a baby, instead of just being an egg.”

BG: “Whoa!! Does it hurt?”

Me: “No. It’s nice.”

BG: “… ‘night Mommy.”

Me: “Goodnight love.”

5 Tips for Talking about Sex with Young Kids:

  1. Start early.
  2. Answer the question being asked. No more. No less.
  3. Welcome comments and questions with patience.
  4. Keep it simple and honest.
  5. Create an open environment in your family and home.
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