To effectively curb big behavior problems, such as anger, you need to put in some time and work. It’s important to take stock of the situation and try to see the world through your child’s eyes. Think like your child! This is the work.

10 tips (plus a bonus) to curb your child’s anger:

1. Acknowledge feelings. Whether you understand or agree with your child’s distress does not matter. Instead of dismissing her feelings as overly sensitive or irrational, say something like: “you look so mad!”
2. Work to “catch” your child being good. Find every opportunity to say something positive especially when a child is particularly sensitive and relations might be tumultuous.
3. Write down a free-flowing list of the problems as you see them (include both parents, if applicable). Write down everything that frustrates you either in the moment or at the end of the day. This will lead to #5.
4. Talk with other people in your child’s life.Understanding what they experience and the pervasiveness of your child’s anger will give you insight into the depth of the issue and maybe even the cause.
5. Try to identify a common theme and/or trigger (reflect on #3 & 4).Understanding this will shed light on the root of the problem, which will enable you to make permanent changes, rather than temporary bandages.
6. Turn to resources, such as books or websites based on the specific theme or situation (sibling rivalry, school trouble, friendship challenges, perceived inadequacies or imbalances, etc). Yes, this takes time, but some aspects of parenting are not intuitive. Rely on experts to ease these struggles.
7. Prioritize the list of problems to address, and focus on one at a time. Action lists help to keep everyone focused and on-task. Place sticky notes around to remind you of the one focus for the week.
8. Create a tangible game plan. Read about my personal process with this here.
9. Present the plan to the child. In many situations, involving the children sends the message that helping them is very important to you. It also inspires and  empowers them to be an active part of the game plan.
10. Be intentional. Intentional parenting is in part about making the minute changes necessary to keep up with your ever-changing and evolving child.

BONUS TIP

Tell your child again and again how much you love them. Don’t assume your child knows how you are feeling. This may be a shock, but your child does not know how much you love them, how proud you are of them, or how often you think of them.

Be aware of children’s constant development and understand that what works today might not work tomorrow. For the same reason, what was a problem yesterday might not be as dramatic tomorrow or next week. With the appropriate intervention, these phases are often quick to pass, although it’s easy to question this in the heat of the moment.