To effectively curb big behavior problems, such as anger, you need to put in some time and work. It’s important to take stock of the situation and try to see the world through your child’s eyes. Think like your child! This is the work.
10 tips (plus a bonus) to curb your child’s anger:
- Acknowledge feelings. Whether you understand or agree with your child’s distress does not matter. Instead of dismissing her feelings as overly sensitive or irrational, say something like: “you look so mad!”
- Work to “catch” your child being good. Find every opportunity to say something positive especially when a child is particularly sensitive and relations might be tumultuous.
- Write down a free-flowing list of the problems as you see them (include both parents, if applicable). Write down everything that frustrates you either in the moment or at the end of the day. This will lead to #5.
- Talk with other people in your child’s life.Understanding what they experience and the pervasiveness of your child’s anger will give you insight into the depth of the issue and maybe even the cause.
- Try to identify a common theme and/or trigger (reflect on #3 & 4).Understanding this will shed light on the root of the problem, which will enable you to make permanent changes, rather than temporary bandages.
- Turn to resources, such as books or websites based on the specific theme or situation (sibling rivalry, school trouble, friendship challenges, perceived inadequacies or imbalances, etc). Yes, this takes time, but some aspects of parenting are not intuitive. Rely on experts to ease these struggles.
- Prioritize the list of problems to address, and focus on one at a time. Action lists help to keep everyone focused and on-task. Place sticky notes around to remind you of the one focus for the week.
- Create a tangible game plan. Read about my personal process with this here.
- Present the plan to the child. In many situations, involving the children sends the message that helping them is very important to you. It also inspires and empowers them to be an active part of the game plan.
- Be intentional. Intentional parenting is in part about making the minute changes necessary to keep up with your ever-changing and evolving child.
BONUS TIP
Tell your child again and again how much you love them. Don’t assume your child knows how you are feeling. This may be a shock, but your child does not know how much you love them, how proud you are of them, or how often you think of them.
Be aware of children’s constant development and understand that what works today might not work tomorrow. For the same reason, what was a problem yesterday might not be as dramatic tomorrow or next week. With the appropriate intervention, these phases are often quick to pass, although it’s easy to question this in the heat of the moment.
The 10 tips on anger are excellent! I am a conflict resolution trainer of teachers and parents and Emily has suggested very effective short and long term strategies for supporting children in the midst of deep and scary emotions. I am particularly appreciative that she lists acknowledging feelings as the #1 strategy, and cautions that adults need to set aside their own judgement of the child’s emotion. These judgements interfere with understanding that children do not choose to be angry – it overtakes them both physically and emotionally, and the most effective first response is to stay calm and simply name the emotion. This can be hard as children express strong emotions so physically! But a calm voice that names feelings, again and again, until the child has calmed, let’s a child know they are safe and they will calm much more quickly. The last tip of including the now calm child in solving the problem is an excellent next step.
Thanks for promoting such supportive practices with young children.
http://www.kidsandconflict.com
What do you do when you acknowledge your child’s feelings and it makes him angrier or more upset? I’ve read this suggestion in many parenting books and have tried to implement it, but whenever I say something to my child such as “that must have made you angry,” or “you look so mad,” etc., he just screams more or cries more.
Maybe instead of telling him how he feels, try asking him. “How are you feeling? Your voice is so loud when you scream.” Or, “I see that you are crying can I give you a hug or do you want to talk or do you want some alone time?”
It’s also possible that even though you are acknowledging his feelings, that isn’t enough comfort in certain situations. If he likes to be snuggled, hold him. If he likes space, give it to him. Somehow let him know that you love him and want to help him.
If his crying feels more like an inconsolable tantrum, then calmly say, “I am going to walk away now. When you are done crying I will be happy to help you.”
Library Momma, it may help you to know that more crying or screaming after naming a child’s feelings is not necessarily a bad thing – it means, “YEHHH, I AM really angry!” And the louder version helps your child to fully empty out his feelings, and this is useful. As your child does this, continue to repeat, very calmly, the naming of feelings that you see and/or continue offering any physcial comfort your child is ok with. Remember that feelings have taken over, overwhelming the ability to think so limit your questions during crying as they require thoughts, and cognitive processing is not available right now! (Think of it like a canoe full of water that can’t steer properly until the water is bailed out.) Just know that offering comfort and contact isn’t an instant fix but may take a few minutes. Ask questions once your child has calmed in order to clearly sort out what actually happened.
http://www.kidsandconflict.com
Thanks for your great blog Emily. My family and I are really struggling with some major upheavals and it is all boiling down to temper tantrums and acting out from our daughter who is 2 years and 10 months old. I’m gravely ill and bedridden (which I have been for 4 weeks), to top it off, we have moved overseas back home to Canada to get help from family and medical care for me, but my husband had to stay behind in France for another month. We’re living with my mother with my daughter and I sharing a bed, she has no room, some of her toys in suitcases, different caregivers day-to-day (grandparents, aunts, friends, etc.). I have been a stay-at-home mum for her so she has never been in anyone else’s care, plus everything else that’s going on. She is not a tantrum thrower typically (she’s only had 2 in her whole life), until now. We’ve been back home in Canada for 2 weeks and almost every day she has had a major breakdown, acting up, tantrum with me. Lately I have felt a tad better and have been able to spend a bit more time with her, but it seems the more time I spend with her, the more she acts up with me. My intuition tells me it’s because she has to unleash her stress somewhere and she feels most comfortable with me and trusts me. I try to just comfort her and acknowledge her feelings. I know it’s all very difficult for her, but I’m hoping that you might have some strategies for me to help her ease her stress in a more “controlled” way – with mummy’s help perhaps. I hate seeing her so scared and mad and sad and all of it. We talk about Daddy a lot and how we miss him and he’ll be home in a few weeks and then we’ll move into our own home again and be all together. I try to explain that Mummy’s sick now, but I will be better soon too and will be able to play again just like before. I will likely be this sick for another 5 weeks, so I know this stressful situation will be continuing for her, so any help will be most appreciated.
Thanks so much.
Melanie
Melanie,
I’m so sorry to hear about your illness and the subsequent tricky family stuff. The combination must be so taxing!
I’ve sent you an email with some specific strategies and suggestions. In general you will want to:
1. allow your daughter to express her feelings (tips for that are in the email)
2. create additional structure for your daughter’s day-to-day routine to provide an additional sense of security and dependability
I wish you and your family all of the best. Please keep us posted!