Anger: We’re Curbing it!

Our family is emerging from a rough spell (to put it nicely). My own understanding of child developmental theory has been challenged, tested and now strengthened.

I recently wrote in Curb Your Child’s Anger about a common feeling for children of imbalance in relationships. This is the root of much anger and has been a theme in our house recently as our daughter has been expressing this to her younger sister and parents.

It was initially surprising, then intriguing, but very quickly became absolutely maddening and kind of terrifying. Not that her anger was violent, but terrifying because we did not recognize this child at all and it was only getting worse, despite multiple attempts at intervention.

Now I’m doing the hard job of taking many, many steps back – almost trying to get a bird’s eye view of the situation. What is my child’s perspective?

What I see is painful for me, but I’ve learned (relearned, really) that my reactions (while thoughtful and well-informed) were only exacerbating the situation. I may have been saying the right words, but I felt annoyed and disgusted and those feelings always permeate.

This experience of imbalance leads to a cycle where the child feels yucky and acts that out → triggering parents anger → parents expressing those feelings of blame or anger → child feeling hurt and isolated by being blamed or scolded → increasing child’s level of anger→ all circling around with an ever-increasing ferocity.

In addition to implementing these 10 steps (read my own process below), I have recalibrated my own thinking, experience, and approach. I feel more balanced in my presence with my daughter again. I have somehow refilled my reservoir of patience, love, compassion, and admiration. The shift in dynamics has been dramatic.  She has responded with almost textbook-like results . . . except when she was hitting her sister before bed tonight, alas.

My process for addressing this anger was to follow the 10 tips to curb your child’s anger, including:

1. I read these two wonderful books: Beyond Sibling Rivalry and Playful Parenting.
2. I asked a good friend, whose parenting style I respect, to step in during play dates and address my daughter’s behavior (This offered me a break, other options for responding, and a significant message to my daughter that what she was doing was inappropriate. Most significantly, I noticed what my friend chose to ignore. I had been so frustrated I couldn’t let anything go).
3. I spoke with my daughter’s teachers and friends’ parents to determine if she was exhibiting this anger elsewhere, which would indicate a deeper issue. Fortunately, she was the same sweet child in all other situations.
4. I talked to my husband and we shared experiences, thoughts, and ways we thought each other could improve the situation.
5. I  reminded myself that my daughter was not always trying to get a rise from someone, but sometimes was just making the normal mistakes (rather than these horrendously amplified bad choices we had been seeing more recently).
6. I became extra alert to her sensitivities to try to understand what was setting her off.
7. I was more aware of how I was responding to her younger sister’s misbehavior and if it felt “equal” for the older daughter.

These are just a handful of the notable shifts we have made. It will be different for every family, particular situation, and child’s particular personality.

Please share your own tactics for addressing your child’s anger in the comment section.