Our family is emerging from a rough spell (to put it nicely). My own understanding of child developmental theory has been challenged, tested and now strengthened.
I recently wrote in Curb Your Child’s Anger about a common feeling for children of imbalance in relationships. This is the root of much anger and has been a theme in our house recently as our daughter has been expressing this to her younger sister and parents.
It was initially surprising, then intriguing, but very quickly became absolutely maddening and kind of terrifying. Not that her anger was violent, but terrifying because we did not recognize this child at all and it was only getting worse, despite multiple attempts at intervention.
Now I’m doing the hard job of taking many, many steps back – almost trying to get a bird’s eye view of the situation. What is my child’s perspective?
What I see is painful for me, but I’ve learned (relearned, really) that my reactions (while thoughtful and well-informed) were only exacerbating the situation. I may have been saying the right words, but I felt annoyed and disgusted and those feelings always permeate.
This experience of imbalance leads to a cycle where the child feels yucky and acts that out → triggering parents anger → parents expressing those feelings of blame or anger → child feeling hurt and isolated by being blamed or scolded → increasing child’s level of anger→ all circling around with an ever-increasing ferocity.
In addition to implementing these 10 steps (read my own process below), I have recalibrated my own thinking, experience, and approach. I feel more balanced in my presence with my daughter again. I have somehow refilled my reservoir of patience, love, compassion, and admiration. The shift in dynamics has been dramatic. She has responded with almost textbook-like results . . . except when she was hitting her sister before bed tonight, alas.
My process for addressing this anger was to follow the 10 tips to curb your child’s anger, including:
- I read these two wonderful books: Beyond Sibling Rivalry and Playful Parenting.
- I asked a good friend, whose parenting style I respect, to step in during play dates and address my daughter’s behavior (This offered me a break, other options for responding, and a significant message to my daughter that what she was doing was inappropriate. Most significantly, I noticed what my friend chose to ignore. I had been so frustrated I couldn’t let anything go).
- I spoke with my daughter’s teachers and friends’ parents to determine if she was exhibiting this anger elsewhere, which would indicate a deeper issue. Fortunately, she was the same sweet child in all other situations.
- I talked to my husband and we shared experiences, thoughts, and ways we thought each other could improve the situation.
- I reminded myself that my daughter was not always trying to get a rise from someone, but sometimes was just making the normal mistakes (rather than these horrendously amplified bad choices we had been seeing more recently).
- I became extra alert to her sensitivities to try to understand what was setting her off.
- I was more aware of how I was responding to her younger sister’s misbehavior and if it felt “equal” for the older daughter.
These are just a handful of the notable shifts we have made. It will be different for every family, particular situation, and child’s particular personality.
Please share your own tactics for addressing your child’s anger in the comment section.
Wow Emily – we have just begun a similar spell recently with my 3 1/2 year old. For some reason her temper has turned volcanic and I feel like I’m getting a preview of the teen years way too early. Any particular tips you could pass on would be priceless!
I have been experiencing this several times a day while handling my fiesty boys and students in class. The best way would be to remain calm and then then speak in soft tones to them. Your kid would calm down then it would be easier to reason/explain to them.
Not sure where to post this, but I have followed your blog since first discovering it over two years ago. I love your parenting philosophies and greatly value your expertise. Your perspective helped us get through a couple par rough patches and I am forever grateful to you and your blog. Our first issue was related to a potty training regression for our fully trained daughter at 20 months and the next was assisting us tailor a response to assist us and her with her tantrums that were resulting from me being gravely ill, moving overseas and everything in her life being abruptly disrupted when she was just 3 years old. Since then, I have recovered and we have added a new member to our family! All has been going very well until recently…
Our now 4-year old, who is typically very kind, sweet, caring and empathetic seems to have shifted gears and is having a very difficult time playing nicely with other children. Over the past year, she has gone from being a bit tentative with other children to playing enthusiastically and kindly to now where she seems to start out great and before long she is trying to instigate rough and tumble-type playing. She is not aggressive in the sense that she isn’t pushing or hitting or anything out of malice, but she is coming into close contact, grabbing and holding onto arms and coats etc, while running. Or attempting to “tumble” into another child so that they will all fall down giggling. It is to the point now where she will even do something so out of character that I am at a loss for what to do. Today, in the sandbox while playing independently but with about five other children, she suddenly picked up a load of sand on her shovel and poured it on her friend’s back. It also seems that now when she is playing in a group, she will be playing and then she looks up at me quickly as if I am “catching” her doing something naughty.
I am so confused as to what this is all about and where to go from here. I find that I have to take her out of the situation to calm her down as she just seems to get a bit wild or something. I also find that by constantly trying to correct the bad behavior (trying my best to do it in a positive, constructive way), but it is like all the other children snap to the judgement that she is a bad kid (and sadly, maybe so does she). Nobody is ever sent to tears and she
hasn’t hurt anyone or anything, but she is not playing like a
nice friend and she isn’t acting a like a good citizen either. It is like she is pushing the boundaries to see what she can get away with perhaps.
I think that a lot of it stems from her Montessori preschool last year. Unfortunately, there was a very uneven gender split, with 14 boys and only 2 girls and despite my original assumption that it wouldn’t matter, I think it did. Also, the teacher just didn’t have adequate supervision over the children and I know my then three-year old daughter witnessed a lot of rough play and wrestling type play from most of the boys on a daily basis. She never joined in and was very wary of it all, but I guess perhaps now she is trying it out on her unsuspecting friends.
What approach should I take now? I have tried explaining that x behavior will make her friend feel sad because of such and such a reason and that she has to play nicely, etc. But I think that has just made her more worried about what I have or haven’t seen! Looking up at me with a guilty and worried expression breaks my heart! We have followed an attachment parenting philosophy and the heavy discipline only involves the 1,2,3 magic thing here and there.
I have been a stay at home mum with her and have been considering not registering her for preschool this year, but now my DH thinks that she just needs more playtime so that she learns how to play with kids. I’m beginning to agree after today and watching the group children and seeing six other four year olds playing so well together… It has me concerned that maybe she just doesn’t know how to play with other children anymore.
Any help, insight, tips, advice, anything will be so So appreciated. I hope I have provided enough info, sorry it is so long. Thanks again and as always, I love your blog Emily.
Kindest regards,
Melanie
Thanks for the kind words, Melanie! I’m going to email you personally because I have a few questions before I give you a more in-depth response. But, at first glance I would recommend role playing. Role playing can feel very silly and contrived, but it is highly effective for this age group. Role playing will be more effective if it is done independent of the problematic behavior. You can role play an event that has already happened as a way to reflect and correct or you can role play a potential situation before you go into a play date or group situation.
Having a good foundation within the household can help our teens from being angry all the time. There are so many parenting tips for anger issues that can work for you and your family. Try to find one that is effective to you and enjoy life better.
Good for you for taking a proactive approach. You are right that these volcanic tempers are a sign that something is amiss in your daughter’s experience. This is when it is so important to take stock of the situation and try to see the world through your child’s eyes. Think like your daughter.
But, let me forewarn you that there is not one formula that will solve the problem. Read 10 Tips to Curb your Child’s Anger for more specifics. I also wrote some specifics of my experiences with this list at the end of the article titled, Curbing it!
Good luck! And, please come back to share your story and successes.