Our now 4-year old, who is typically very kind, sweet, caring and empathetic seems to have shifted gears and is having a very difficult time playing nicely with other children. Over the past year, she has gone from being a bit tentative with other children to playing enthusiastically and kindly to now where she seems to start out great and before long she is trying to instigate rough and tumble-type playing. She is not aggressive in the sense that she isn’t pushing or hitting or anything out of malice, but she is coming into close contact, grabbing and holding onto arms and coats etc, while running. Or attempting to “tumble” into another child so that they will all fall down giggling. It is to the point now where she will even do something so out of character that I am at a loss for what to do. Today, in the sandbox while playing independently but with about five other children, she suddenly picked up a load of sand on her shovel and poured it on her friend’s back. It also seems that now when she is playing in a group, she will be playing and then she looks up at me quickly as if I am “catching” her doing something naughty.

I am so confused as to what this is all about and where to go from here. I find that I have to take her out of the situation to calm her down as she just seems to get a bit wild or something. I also find that by constantly trying to correct the bad behavior (trying my best to do it in a positive, constructive way), but it is like all the other children snap to the judgement that she is a bad kid (and sadly, maybe so does she). Nobody is ever sent to tears and she
hasn’t hurt anyone or anything, but she is not playing like a
nice friend and she isn’t acting a like a good citizen either. It is like she is pushing the boundaries to see what she can get away with perhaps.

I think that a lot of it stems from her Montessori preschool last year. Unfortunately, there was a very uneven gender split, with 14 boys and only 2 girls and despite my original assumption that it wouldn’t matter, I think it did. Also, the teacher just didn’t have adequate supervision over the children and I know my then three-year old daughter witnessed a lot of rough play and wrestling type play from most of the boys on a daily basis. She never joined in and was very wary of it all, but I guess perhaps now she is trying it out on her unsuspecting friends.

What approach should I take now? I have tried explaining that x behavior will make her friend feel sad because of such and such a reason and that she has to play nicely, etc. But I think that has just made her more worried about what I have or haven’t seen! Looking up at me with a guilty and worried expression breaks my heart! We have followed an attachment parenting philosophy and the heavy discipline only involves the 1,2,3 magic thing here and there.
I have been a stay at home mum with her and have been considering not registering her for preschool this year, but now my DH thinks that she just needs more playtime so that she learns how to play with kids. I’m beginning to agree after today and watching the group children and seeing six other four year olds playing so well together… It has me concerned that maybe she just doesn’t know how to play with other children anymore.

Any help, insight, tips, advice, anything will be so So appreciated. I hope I have provided enough info, sorry it is so long. Thanks again and as always, I love your blog Emily.
Kindest regards,
Melanie

But, let me forewarn you that there is not one formula that will solve the problem. Read 10 Tips to Curb your Child’s Anger for more specifics. I also wrote some specifics of my experiences with this list at the end of the article titled, Curbing it!

Good luck! And, please come back to share your story and successes.