10 tips (plus a bonus) to curb your child’s anger:

1. Acknowledge feelings. Whether you understand or agree with your child’s distress does not matter. Instead of dismissing her feelings as overly sensitive or irrational, say something like: “you look so mad!”
2. Work to “catch” your child being good. Find every opportunity to say something positive especially when a child is particularly sensitive and relations might be tumultuous.
3. Write down a free-flowing list of the problems as you see them (include both parents, if applicable). Write down everything that frustrates you either in the moment or at the end of the day. This will lead to #5.
4. Talk with other people in your child’s life.Understanding what they experience and the pervasiveness of your child’s anger will give you insight into the depth of the issue and maybe even the cause.
5. Try to identify a common theme and/or trigger (reflect on #3 & 4).Understanding this will shed light on the root of the problem, which will enable you to make permanent changes, rather than temporary bandages.
6. Turn to resources, such as books or websites based on the specific theme or situation (sibling rivalry, school trouble, friendship challenges, perceived inadequacies or imbalances, etc). Yes, this takes time, but some aspects of parenting are not intuitive. Rely on experts to ease these struggles.
7. Prioritize the list of problems to address, and focus on one at a time. Action lists help to keep everyone focused and on-task. Place sticky notes around to remind you of the one focus for the week.
8. Create a tangible game plan. Read about my personal process with this here.
9. Present the plan to the child. In many situations, involving the children sends the message that helping them is very important to you. It also inspires and  empowers them to be an active part of the game plan.
10. Be intentional. Intentional parenting is in part about making the minute changes necessary to keep up with your ever-changing and evolving child.

BONUS TIP

Tell your child again and again how much you love them. Don’t assume your child knows how you are feeling. This may be a shock, but your child does not know how much you love them, how proud you are of them, or how often you think of them.

Be aware of children’s constant development and understand that what works today might not work tomorrow. For the same reason, what was a problem yesterday might not be as dramatic tomorrow or next week. With the appropriate intervention, these phases are often quick to pass, although it’s easy to question this in the heat of the moment.

I recently wrote in Curb Your Child’s Anger about a common feeling for children of imbalance in relationships. This is the root of much anger and has been a theme in our house recently as our daughter has been expressing this to her younger sister and parents.

It was initially surprising, then intriguing, but very quickly became absolutely maddening and kind of terrifying. Not that her anger was violent, but terrifying because we did not recognize this child at all and it was only getting worse, despite multiple attempts at intervention.

Now I’m doing the hard job of taking many, many steps back – almost trying to get a bird’s eye view of the situation. What is my child’s perspective?

What I see is painful for me, but I’ve learned (relearned, really) that my reactions (while thoughtful and well-informed) were only exacerbating the situation. I may have been saying the right words, but I felt annoyed and disgusted and those feelings always permeate.

This experience of imbalance leads to a cycle where the child feels yucky and acts that out → triggering parents anger → parents expressing those feelings of blame or anger → child feeling hurt and isolated by being blamed or scolded → increasing child’s level of anger→ all circling around with an ever-increasing ferocity.

In addition to implementing these 10 steps (read my own process below), I have recalibrated my own thinking, experience, and approach. I feel more balanced in my presence with my daughter again. I have somehow refilled my reservoir of patience, love, compassion, and admiration. The shift in dynamics has been dramatic.  She has responded with almost textbook-like results . . . except when she was hitting her sister before bed tonight, alas.

My process for addressing this anger was to follow the 10 tips to curb your child’s anger, including:

1. I read these two wonderful books: Beyond Sibling Rivalry and Playful Parenting.
2. I asked a good friend, whose parenting style I respect, to step in during play dates and address my daughter’s behavior (This offered me a break, other options for responding, and a significant message to my daughter that what she was doing was inappropriate. Most significantly, I noticed what my friend chose to ignore. I had been so frustrated I couldn’t let anything go).
3. I spoke with my daughter’s teachers and friends’ parents to determine if she was exhibiting this anger elsewhere, which would indicate a deeper issue. Fortunately, she was the same sweet child in all other situations.
4. I talked to my husband and we shared experiences, thoughts, and ways we thought each other could improve the situation.
5. I  reminded myself that my daughter was not always trying to get a rise from someone, but sometimes was just making the normal mistakes (rather than these horrendously amplified bad choices we had been seeing more recently).
6. I became extra alert to her sensitivities to try to understand what was setting her off.
7. I was more aware of how I was responding to her younger sister’s misbehavior and if it felt “equal” for the older daughter.

These are just a handful of the notable shifts we have made. It will be different for every family, particular situation, and child’s particular personality.

Please share your own tactics for addressing your child’s anger in the comment section.

“That’s not fair” is a frequently heard complaint from kids. In fact, it is often the pinnacle of their anger.

At this point, kids want to be able to explain the problem and their feelings. They want to feel heard. They want their feelings to be accepted. Unfortunately, when parents hear this cry, they automatically respond by reassuring the child that things are indeed fair.

This creates even greater frustration and anger, because the child does not feel heard or understood. And, it misses the point. Our goal as parents is to understand why something feels amiss to a child.

Reasons for “that’s not fair”:

1. It’s not fair = I don’t like this
2. Genuine imbalance in their lives and/or relationships

It can be difficult to tell the difference between the two, but I encourage every parent to take careful stock of the situation before brushing this statement off.

It’s not fair = I don’t like this

Unlike “I’m telling on you!”, “that’s not fair” is a phrase parents will hear for many years to come. It means different things at different ages.

A preschool child will consider differences in bedtime or seat assignments a fairness issue. School age children might consider strict rules around TV to be a fairness issue, while teenagers consider an early curfew an unfair act. These complaints reflect disappointment that something has not gone their way.

Rather than trying to reason with your child about why it is, in fact, fair, it’s important to acknowledge their disappointment or frustration. If the complaint is a reaction to an important rule (safety, health, etc), then stick with it. If there is a reasonable way to show a little give-and-take without compromising an important rule or value, then model this process for your child.

Genuine imbalance

Genuine imbalances can happen without us recognizing it as such and/or knowing how to change it. When a child behaves poorly, it often represents an imbalance. Maybe your child is stressed about demands at school or a challenging friendship dynamic or what he perceives to be an imbalance of time, attention, or love toward another sibling.

Children crave harmonious relationships and family life in the same way that parents do. When a child’s efforts to do well at school, or on an athletic field, or at home with a sibling receives our praise, support, and encouragement, that is a sign of the relationship being in balance. When these efforts are met with indifference, immediate correction, or disapproval, then the relationship quickly becomes imbalanced.

These imbalances take time to understand. With an older child, we can have a discussion, which entails being available and ready to listen. A young child is less able to reflect and pinpoint his own discord, so we have to imagine his perspective, through observation and honest, thoughtful reflection.

Once we feel like we understand the root of the frustration, then we must find the compassion and openness to address it appropriately, without being defensive. Read 10 Tips to Curb your Child’s Anger for more on this.

While this takes time, energy, and thoughtfulness, the rewards are ten-fold. I’ve experienced them personally. You can read about my own agonizing struggles with imbalance here.

Children yearn to understand us, since we provide context for this wide world. It helps us and our children when we are honest about our feelings, even our anger. Since it is a given that we will all feel angry with our children sometimes, let’s put the guilt aside and learn how to do it productively. How can we vent anger in a healthy way? Can we go BOMBALOO (to quote a wonderful children’s book) without causing damage and maybe even teach a positive life lesson?

Each child is highly attuned to her parent’s mood and energy, beginning before birth. Before the autonomic nervous system has developed, the baby looks to her primary caregiver for cues on her emotional state (arousal, recuperation, fight or flight, etc). This is a biological instinct that allows the child to develop a unique bond with her parents. This bond continues to develop as the relationship evolves, leaving children deeply tuned in to our energy and moods. So, when we present something different than what we are feeling, our children recognize this discrepancy, which leaves them feeling insecure and isolated. They want to hear words that reflect their parent’s true feelings.

The manner in which expressions of anger can be helpful and productive is similar  to that of praise and affirmation, in that the expression should be descriptive and in proportion to the related event.  Expressions of anger should avoid judgment and criticism, such as labeling (i.e. name-calling) and blaming.  It is okay to be very, very angry, but don’t lose control of yourself.  Do not treat your child like the enemy by being hysterical and attacking her personality or character. The more specifically the anger is  targeted and proportional to what was done, the more constructive it will be to the child.

Even though on some days the littlest things can tip us off, it does not help the child’s learning if we are as angry about a spill as we are about her hitting a friend. Differentiate a merely unpleasant and annoying event from one that is very serious or even catastrophic.  A spilt drink can be frustrating in many circumstances, but it is always an opportunity to  show your child that accidents happen and allow her to participate in the clean up: “I see you spilled your drink. That’s frustrating, but it’s OK. After you clean it up with a sponge, I will refill your cup.”  With a minor event such as a spill, we can observe our child’s reaction/behavior and modify our responses accordingly.

On the other hand, a rude or dangerous action often requires an immediate, firm, and abbreviated response.  No long lectures.  The child is not in a receptive state.  Later in the evening, during a time that is not charged with this event, have a broader discussion where you can calmly discuss the incident and introduce important  family values.

If you do find yourself swept up in the emotion of it all, which at times we all will, remember the words of the brilliant psychologist (and mentor to authors Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber), Dr. Haim Ginott.  He stated in his book, Between Parent and Child:

There is a place for parental anger in child education.  In fact, failure to get angry at certain moments would only convey to the child indifference, not goodness … This does not mean that children can withstand floods of fury and violence; it means only that they can stand and understand anger that says, “There are limits to my tolerance.”

Anger should be expressed in a way that brings some relief to the parent, some insight to the child, and no harmful side effects to either of them.

Anger is an inevitable, recurrent emotion, so it is futile to wish it away or to be ashamed when it rears its head. The best response for you and your family is to recognize and respect it. When your anger does make an appearance, give it the space it deserves, keep it descriptive and non-judgmental, and then follow up with your child during a less heated time.

Gwyneth Paltrow describes her process with this on her site, GOOP:

For more thoughts on anger management, check out these resources:

• Dr. Sears
• Berkeley Parents Network
• Anger Management Parenting