Children misbehave every 3 minutes (some statistics say). The parent in me can find fleeting comfort in that. But the child development specialist in me knows that it doesn’t need to be that way.

Last week I checked out a new method for discipline and promised to review it for you. It turns out, much to my disbelief, that this simple method (with a lame name) has been immediately effective and appears to be a positive approach to discipline.

1-2-3 Magic

I checked out the video for 1-2-3 Magic from our local library, watched the video that same night, and then put the method into action first thing the next morning. The video proved to be a nice alternative to the book because Superdad and I could watch it together and in just 2 hours we had a plan in place.

Our day-to-day life has been better ever since. I highly, highly recommend this method by Dr. Phelan.

Two Reasons Kids Frustrate Parents

If kids misbehave every 3 minutes, think of how much time and energy we zap talking, threatening or punishing them.

We get frustrated with our kids for one of two reasons:

1. They are doing something that we want them to Stop (tempers, whining, hitting, etc).
2. They are not doing something that we want them to Start (cleaning the bedroom, putting away toys, doing their homework, etc).

Dr. Phelan simply calls these START and STOP behaviors. The method that I’m describing here is for Stop behavior.

1-2-3 Magic is easy to use and effective for kids 2-12

Often times the behavior we want to stop is testing and manipulation. Dr. Phelan describes 6 different testing tactics, such as badgering and temper tantrums. Let me tell you, 1-2-3 Magic works like …well, magic in these circumstances.

If your child does something that he knows is not okay (because you’ve talked about it over and over and over again) then stop talking. Simply count. Your child gets two chances and then there is a consequence. Let’s look at an example:

If your child starts badgering you for a toy after you have already said no, then you simply say: “That’s 1.” Wait 5 seconds. If the badgering continues, “that’s 2.” Wait 5 seconds. If it’s still happening you calmly say, “That’s 3. Take 5 minutes in your room.” End of story.

Quick tips for 1-2-3 Magic

1. Stay calm.
2. Explain the new plan to your child before you put it into place.
3. Give your child about 1 minute of “time-out” for every year of their age.
4. DO NOT discuss the situation when they return. It’s a clean slate.
5. Counting in this way is so effective, that it can be addictive. Don’t overuse it.

There is real technique to this method, so if you are at all inclined to put it into practice, I encourage you to grab the book or video for yourself.

Benefits of 1-2-3 Magic:

1. It’s simple.
2. Saves your energy.
3. Frees up more of your time for fun and connection.
4. Maintains your calm authority.
5. Eliminates the endless negotiations.
6. Gives children the limits and authority they crave.
7. Punishment is short and sweet.
8. When used appropriately, it’s highly effective. But, using it appropriately is a learned art, which is why you should read the book or watch the video.

Courageous Parents Confident Kids

In this provocative anthology (compiled and edited by Amy Tiemann of MojoMom.com), 14 highly regarded experts share the practical skills and inspiration every family needs to grow up together.

First let me just say that Amy had me at “hello”. The Introduction is intriguing and thought-provoking. Amy cleverly associates the decade labeled the “Aughts” with the “ought” mindset of parents today – a bombardment of shoulds and oughts from experts, peers, and media. Amy suggests this results in the overparenting epidemic. She continues,

To shed our overprotective parenting ways, we have to become conscious of what truly serves our kids’ needs and develop the courage to put aside some of the things that may feel good to us as parents but don’t serve our children well in the long run.

So true. Children are constantly striving toward independence and parents can either help or hinder this. It takes real courage to navigate this path and let go at the appropriate times. These experts have pulled from their specializations to address the task of being a courageous parent.

The first part of the book tackles personal and professional development. Author Renee Trudeau states, “Self-care is the foundation for becoming a courageous parent.” This expert, writing primarily to moms, acknowledges that many mothers feel guilty, selfish or not-worthy of prioritizing themselves.

But get this, child development experts assert that modeling self-care, self-love and self-acceptance is the best way to influence your own child’s self esteem and self respect. So, if you can’t do it for yourself yet, do it for your kids!

It’s akin to the oxygen mask on the airplane. The flight attendant urges parents to put their own oxygen mask on before they tend to their children. But in this sort of emergency we don’t think of prioritizing ourselves as selfish. It’s just good common sense. You cannot take care of your child if you are compromised.

The same is true in day to day life. You can not take care of your child if you are compromised. You will be a much more effective parent when you are at your best. A few of the stated benefits of self-care:

• feel less resentment
• be calmer and more present
• better able to handle unexpected challenges

Courageous Parents Confident Kids is organized into four sections:

1. The Courage to Invest in Your Own Development
2. Developing Your Courageous Parenting Style
3. Real-World Safety Skills for All
4. Finding Your Voice and Raising it for the Community

This is your guide to sustainable parenting that makes letting go a safer and happier process, every step of the way. You can sign-up today at MojoMom.com to receive the free download. But don’t wait because the download will only be available for 48 hours (April 19-21).

Overview

When Betsy Evans wrote You’re Not My Friend Anymore!, she hoped to make the problem-solving or conflict resolution aspect of parenting easily accessible and maybe even fun. She has accomplished this goal by creating a simple, yet very dynamic book.

This book puts common behavior issues under a microscope and then offers problem-solving solutions in 6 steps. The book dissects the common behavioral challenges using both text and cartoon illustrations.

Evans demonstrates to parents how to look for the opportunity or teachable moment in a conflict, rather than focusing on a disciplinary action. Conflict resolution is not an innate ability. Evans recognizes this and advocates for involving children in the problem-solving process. Through involvement, kids are coached and trained in conflict resolution, all by using these 6 steps:

1. Approach calmly, stopping any hurtful actions.
2. Acknowledge children’s feelings.
3. Gather information.
4. Restate the problem.
5. Ask for ideas for solutions and choose one together.
6. Be prepared to give follow-up support.

What I Like About the Book

I really enjoyed all aspects of the book. The set-up is consistent and easy to understand. The combination of illustrations (by the talented Jonathon Wilcox) and text simplify very complex situations. Since conflicts can be so frustrating, it’s really helpful to see them illustrated and analyzed from different perspectives.

You’re Not My Friend Anymore! is filled with a spectrum of common behavior issues, such as sharing, excluding children, separation anxiety, biting, etc. Evans makes these issues very easy to tackle. The 6 steps for problem solving work beautifully for the various scenarios.

If you’ve ever read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, you know how useful those illustrations were in bringing the scenarios to life. Similarly, You’re Not My Friend Anymore! provides illustrations of  1). typical responses to these behavior issues and 2). problem-solving responses to these issues.

Recommendation

I recommend that all parents, teachers, and caregivers read You’re Not My Friend Anymore! This book is a must-read for anyone who will be in the presence of children during a conflict. Parents should keep this one in their parenting toolbox for quick reference.

You will continue to see links to this book in future Child Perspective articles because it compliments my parenting methodology so perfectly.

MUST READ:

• Between Parent and Child, by Dr. Haim G. Ginott
• How to Raise an Amazing Child the Montessori Way,  by Tim Seldin*
• John Rosemond’s Six Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children,  by John Rosemond
• How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• Montessori From the Start, by Paula Polk Lillard and Lynn Lillard Jessen*

BONUS MUST READ

• Playful Parenting, by Lawrence Cohen

* Please note that I consider the Montessori books listed above invaluable, even if your child is not attending a Montessori school. They offer solid, practical guidance for parenting.