Parents frequently tip-toe around the sensitive topic of race.

Does highlighting skin color differences create a further sense of otherness or division among the races? Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman sought answers to this question for their provocative book, NurtureShock.

Through their research the authors noted that many parents (especially caucasian parents) were uncomfortable talking about a person’s skin color for fear of teaching a racial construct.

Yet, to the researcher’s surprise, it was exactly this silence that was allowing already formed constructs to persist. The constructs were already there from the earliest ages!

Children categorize (i.e., make constructs) to make sense of this complex world, beginning when they are just babies.

Babies notice differences and categorize accordingly, but they don’t have preferences yet. These preferences begin as young as 3 years old. But, at no point are children color-blind toward race, like many adults hope.

Kid’s are developmentally prone to in-group preferences or favoritism. Differences in skin and hair color are like differences in shirt colors – they are visible to the eye without needing to be labeled.

It would seem that the timeframe parents think is too soon to begin discussing skin color with their children (or important not to discuss race) is the same timeframe that these young minds are forming their first conclusions about race.

Many parents quietly and subtly help their children feel comfortable and connected in this diverse world, by simply exposing them to diversity and assuming that this diversity becomes the accepted norm. That was the premise I was operating under prior to reading this book.

To my surprise, Bronson and Merryman conclude that it is critical to speak with children about racial differences in order to ensure less divisive attitudes. Simply exposing your children in meaningful and tangible ways to multi-racial people is not enough. There needs to be conversation!

A conversation with my daughter started after school yesterday when she began telling me the story of Rosa Parks refusing to sit in the back of the bus. She told the story with dramatic intonation and keen detail, just as her teacher would. Yet, when I asked her why Rosa Parks had to sit in the back of the bus, she shrugged.

I began explaining (so that a 5 year old might understand) that Rosa Parks had dark-colored skin.We looked at our own skin and talked about some friends with darker skin. I explained how people with light-colored skin used to be very mean to dark-skinned people. Before I could get very far, my daughter chimed right back in agreeing how long ago black people were not allowed to share the same bathrooms or drinking fountains with white people.

As much as I wanted to go into the ugly history here, I refrained. Little bits of information are easier to consume than long diatribes. Especially after an exhausting day of kindergarten.

Below are two children’s books that might help the conversation along:

• Shades of People (2-6)
• One World, One Day (ages 4-8)

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As Thanksgiving approaches, the chaos of the winter holidays can overshadow its essence. The spirit of thankfulness is a complex one for young kids to grasp, but by by modeling generosity all year long and talking about the subject, your child will begin to absorb and emulate this emotion. It’s a great start to discuss thankfulness during this time of year, but its more powerful to incorporate it into the everyday all year long.

And I’m not talking about the usual prompt, “What do you saaaay?” that we’ve all sung to our kids. Reminding kids to say thank you is simply a matter of politeness and doesn’t necessarily translate into a general attitude of gratitude.

So, how do we raise thankful children?

1. Make gratitude a habit. Spend time each day appreciating what you have (love, shelter, food, family, friends, courage). You might create a daily ritual or tradition to help you remember to be grateful and establish family traditions for thinking about what we are thankful for and sharing it with others. Maybe you have a thankful tree, journal, shoebox, tablecloth, calendar, or space on the refrigerator.
2. Adopt an attitude of gratitude. This means being thankful no matter what our situation in life. Thankfulness means that we are aware of both our blessings and disappointments but that we focus on the blessings.
3. Express your thanks out loud. Don’t be quietly thankful. Your children need to know you are thankful for them, for your home, for friends, mentors, and for the other good things in your life. Celebrate your thankfulness often and initiate conversations.
4. Be generous or giving and express how it affects others. Talk about being on both sides: giving and receiving. There are many ways to give: donating blood, money, food, clothing, time, and/or energy. Share these experiences with your children. Many community service projects are appropriate for elementary aged children.

By establishing any one of these practices, you can move the spirit of Thanksgiving from a one-day event to a foundational aspect of life.

For inspiration on crafts incorporating the theme of thankfulness, check out the projects on this fabulously artsy site.

Related post:

• Have a Thankful Kid by Thursday

Try and try as you may, it’s a futile attempt to try to change your kids. Better to teach them how to use their traits for the better.

Children have a set of in-born traits that organize the children’s approach to the world. It’s their factory installed wiring that remain pretty consistent from birth.

When you look at all of these traits as a whole, you’ll discover your child’s temperament. While we cannot change temperament, we can affect how our children express or use their traits. This becomes their personality.

Traits vs. Personality

How well their temperament fits with the environment and how well they are received by the people in the environment will determine how a child sees himself and others. Helping your child to positively manage his temperament is a huge gift!

There are innumerable ways to look at temperaments, preferences, learning styles and personalities. For the purposes of this course, I used the Nine Traits of Temperaments described by Dr. Thomas and Dr. Chess.

Nine Traits of Temperaments

They described these traits as characteristics in behavior that land on a spectrum somewhere between mild and intense. Every child has an aspect of all nine. You need to determine where your child is on the spectrum of each trait and then synthesize them to have a full picture.

Warning: As you read through these traits, remember that there is no right or wrong end of the spectrum. Every kind of temperament trait can be used in good ways if we learn how to use it effectively. By understanding our children’s traits, we can help them better understand themselves. This awareness improves learning, behavior, and happiness.

1. Activity Level – Many parents define the activity level as the key difference between an easy or difficult child. A child who is very active must have an outlet for his energy. He can’t sit still or quiet for long. A child who is less active may take more time to finish things. He can sit still easily. The challenge may be in helping him get adequate exercise.
2. Distractibility -  This is the degree to which a child focuses on a task that he is not very interested in. A more focused child can complete tasks more easily and learn more quickly. He often tunes out everything when working on an activity. An easily distracted child may have trouble finishing things and get easily sidetracked, but can multi-task well. High distractibility is seen as positive when it is easy to divert a child from an undesirable behavior but seen as negative when it prevents the child from finishing school work.
3. Intensity or Strength of Expression – A child who is very expressive may yell or cry over seemingly small things. He may be good at talking you into things. Intense children are more likely to have their needs met and tend to be exhausting to live with. The less expressive child may be seen as an underachiever. He may be calmer and more cooperative.
4. Regularity or Need for Physical Routine – A child who prefers more regular routines wants to go to bed and eat around the same times every day. He may get upset if the day doesn’t go as usual. A child on the other end of the spectrum likes variety in physical routines, enjoys doing things differently and may not notice small changes in the day.
5. Sensory Threshold or Sensitivity to Senses – This spectrum has a child who is painfully sensitive to stimulation on one end and a child who seeks more sensory stimulation on the other. The child who seeks more stimulation will learn best by engaging all of his senses. He enjoys cuddling and snuggling. He may hit or bite when angry. A child who is painfully sensitive to the stimulation may resist hugging and snuggling, may fuss about clothing or food textures. Parents of these sensitive children often feel like they are walking on eggshells.
6. Initial Reaction – A child who enjoys change moves into new situations with ease. He is described as friendly, social, and gregarious. He is also more likely to wander off in a store. He may become bored with the same things. A child who prefers the familiar becomes shy when meeting new people or in a new location, and therefore may be described as anti-social. He needs time to observe and warm-up from the edges. Slow-to-warm-up children tend to think before they act. They are less likely to act impulsively during adolescence.
7. Adaptability (resilient and flexible) – How easily does your child adapt over time versus react initially? A more adaptable child can easily tolerate big changes and the day-to-day transitioning from one activity to the next. A slow-to-adapt child is less likely to rush into dangerous situations, and may be less influenced by peer pressure.
8. Persistence or Tenacity – This refers to the length of time a child continues with an activity in the face of obstacles. A child who is more persistent or tenacious will stick with something until it is done. The tunnel vision can be about food, a material item such as a toy, or even an idea. He may have a hard time taking “no” for an answer and seem immune to typical disciplining techniques. A less persistent child may have a hard time completing tasks and will give up on things that are uninteresting or too complicated. A child with low persistence may develop strong social skills because he realizes other people can help.
9. Usual Mood – Is your child a glass half-full or half-empty kind of kid? Mood combines a lot of different elements, but in general, some kids are more upbeat and others are less bubbly. The child who is usually happy makes friends very easily. In fact, they might even act happy when they are sad. Some kids do very well in group situations (school, play, structured activities) but are much less enthusiastic at home. These kids are moody and may have a harder time having fun. It may seem there is a big problem even when there isn’t. A child who is usually less positive may become sad or angry about things more quickly. Serious children tend to be analytical and evaluate situations carefully.

If you are interested in taking a temperaments traits quiz for your child, you can find one here at: http://www.readyforlife.org/temperament/quiz/start

Birthday season is wrapping up in our house. It spans from mid-May to mid-July. The last one is today! It’s a particularly sentimental one for me too, marking my foray into motherhood six years ago.

We’ve had two months filled with balloons and pools and camping and cupcakes and chocolate tarts and good beer, depending on the celebrant. Or not. We’ve also made and written many, many thank you cards to our generous friends and family. Each one presents an opportunity to create art, choose someone to share it with, and reflect on their kindness and generosity. It’s a regular practice around here to feel grateful.

With each passing year, though, The Thank You Card seems to be falling more and more out of favor. It’s become about as quaint as a telephone cord.

The Demise of the Thank You Card

If adults choose not to show basic grace and courtesy, that’s one thing. They can easily chalk it up to being too busy. But to not teach a child that value?! To not even introduce it as an important exchange with another person is unfathomable to me. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but this is one tradition I highly value.

Why a Thank You Card is Important

Whenever someone does or says something kind to your child, I imagine you respond, “What do you saaaay?” …wondering when your child will learn to spit this out on her own. We want to hear the appropriate response, even if it lacks genuine feeling.

Yet it seems so many parents miss the opportunity for the child to initiate the gratitude. Thank you cards offer the perfect opportunity for the child to give back (with art and/or kind words) on her own terms.

Consider the Child’s Perspective

Remember, young kids are self-focused. They are wired that way. Because of that, they are better able to express genuine gratitude on their own terms. In their own time.

Now, that’s not saying that you shouldn’t prompt your child to say “thank you” when appropriate. This is still important. But after the party has ended or the grandparents have left, it is equally important to help your child reflect on the generosity of friends and family and follow this through a demonstration of their appreciation.

Involve the Child, for Pete’s Sake!

Once a child can hold a crayon, he can help with the card. He can decorate it. He can “sign” it. He can put a stamp on the envelope. He can put it in the mailbox. As children master new skills, they can participate much more. My six-year-old will make the cards, write the cards, seal the envelopes, put the stamps on and get them to the mailbox. It may seem like a lot of work, but just a few minutes every day knocks them out in no time.

And, if you can, encourage others to write thank you notes to your kids, modeling this lost art. Kids LOVE receiving thanks too!

Slightly related posts:

• Have a Thankful Kid by Thursday
• My Daughter Refused Her Gifts
• Bringing Meaning Back to Manners

It’s summer break here in the northern hemisphere and there is a barrage of articles on how to keep your kids entertained throughout the summer. Instead I suggest you do your kids a favor and let them get bored. Painfully bored.

The Effect of Boredom on Kids

Easy anytime activity:

Put a small pile of shaving cream on a table or countertop and allow your child to explore. It can be very soothing to those seeking sensory input, inspires creativity, and is easy to clean-up.

That seems to be what some readers over at parentdish thought that Lenore Skenazy meant in her recent post, Just Chute Me!

A little background:  Lenore is the author of Free Range Kids (a book and website) spawned from a single event when she let her 9 year old ride the NY subway alone. As she says, “Two days later I was on the Today Show, MSNBC, FoxNews and all manner of talk radio with a new title under my smiling face: “America’s Worst Mom?”

Anyway, I’ve read (and admired) Lenore’s philosophy for awhile now. I was pretty sure she was not advocating for complete disengagement from our children in her recent article, but rather noting the importance of children entertaining themselves.

This inspired me to assemble my thoughts on boredom, because boredom quickly surfaces when kids are learning how to entertain themselves. Lenore is featuring my article at Free Range Kids today.

Boredom is good for kids. It not only forces them to entertain themselves but also ignites their creative intelligence. From this, they learn that they can solve their own problems. This is HUGE!

Children do not innately know how to entertain themselves if parents constantly intervene, interfere, or see themselves as the primary entertainers. Kids need to be left alone to learn how to entertain themselves. In fact, they need to get bored.

You can read the rest of my guest post here and join the lively discussion!

I went to a rigorous school in manners. I dare say it’s among the most challenging in the world. It was a preschool classroom.

Imagine a classroom with 22 children (ages 3-6 yrs old). Now, like most Montessori classrooms, imagine only one of each activity for the children to use. These preschoolers, notorious for their “inability” to share, quickly learn to wait their turn and share with their classmates. Fortunately the older children model this behavior for the younger children, so in essence there are many teachers in the classroom.

Now imagine a playground with roughly 60-80 preschool aged children learning to play together.

Yes, it was rigorous training everyday. Every mishap was like a question on an exam that I would pass only if I could help all parties feel heard, understood, and respected. Every child became well-versed in the “magic words” (please, thank you, sorry, excuse me). Yet, these weren’t quite enough.

A robotic response of the customary magic words was quickly replaced with meaningful conversations. Why? Because the kids begged for it. They wanted to learn these social complexities. Hollow, robotic responses didn’t cut it.

Emily Post (aka Miss Manners) compares the robotic response to one that’s more heartfelt. She says that manners help children navigate a socially complex world. Miss Manners states that manners must be rooted in three important principles: honesty, respect, and consideration. Without these principles, the manners are hollow rules to be memorized and easily discounted.

It’s this potential hollowness that I would like to address in this post. It seems too many parents except a well-trained, yet hollow response.

I yearn for something a little more thoughtful and meaningful.

Teaching manners is just one piece of the puzzle in raising conscientious citizens of the world. The point of manners is to show respect, compassion and empathy. The question I would raise here is: does teaching your child to automatically say a “magic word” teach respect, compassion, or empathy?

No.

Let’s bring some MAGIC back to the words!

For example, when your child does something that upsets another child, try engaging them both in a discussion. Don’t enter a blaming shaming game. This is an opportunity for two kids to have a supportive introduction into social complexities. Approach the situation with no assumptions, including what happened, why, who’s fault it is, or what will help the kids to feel better. Ask the offended child, “what will help you feel better?”

Sometimes they will want the other person to say sorry, but more often than not, they want a hug, or to play together, or a simple pat on the back.

Actually speaking to the other person and finding out their needs is a more valuable way to express empathy and compassion and respect than assuming one knows the answer.

Before you prompt your child with, “what do you saaay?”, consider spending more time to ensure that you are doing more than inviting a hollow response. Bring the meaning back to manners.

Since readers here at Child Perspective may have missed the other comments, I wanted to humor you a little and ask for your thoughts.

Did I get it wrong?

A rash of negative comments appeared at TwitterMoms. I’ll share one with you just because it is too good to keep to myself. As you read this remember that this mother is judging my moral standing. I can’t help but chuckle, since her response is so combative.

I feeel like at this point if you don’t at least take her to donate one thing to charity after this experience, YOU ARE NOT DOING YOUR JOB! After alll, our children, are only a product of their enviorment; the first five years! What are you already teaching your child to have her react in such a manner is the real question you should ask yourself. You are your daughters number one teacher at this point in her life. You should ask yourself how you treat her father. Do you treat him like he never reaches the finish line? That could be your problem right their, or does she even have a father? I just really don’t get how parents act like the behavior of a toddler is a problem. What are you teaching the toddler is the problem.The most impressional age of children is 2-5. You said she’s 3. so what the f*ck is your problem? You buy her stuff, that’s great! THE REAL QUESTION IS…. Can you tend to her emotional needs? She is obviously beging you for attention., but perceive it how you wish. Like everything else, put your own twist on it. Whats crazy is a 3 year old is more intellagent then you!

The other comment that I would like to share with you is from a reader named Laura. What Laura said made me stop and think. Her tone is combative, but at least she had a thoughtful response.

I’m disgusted that you would even teach a child that “thank you, but I don’t want this” is acceptable. How can you advocate that? How can you really teach a child to live in this world and be respectful of others and their feelings when you advocate this? If my child had thrown gifts across the room, that would have been the end of it. Teaching all about being disappointed is one thing, but allowing this kind of behavior is a complete other, and then foisting the guilty and confused feelings on the grandparent? That’s disgusting. How dare you advocate this. Normally, I’m a to each his/her own parenting person, but there are certain things that are universal, and I know if my child were to thoughtfully pick out something a friend wanted and then get the response you advocate, he would be beyond heartbroken. The sad thing is that it’s ok with you.
We have taught our son that if it’s something he doesn’t like, he says “thank you” to the gift giver and then talks to us in private when we return home and the gift giver is not around. Then, we decide what to do. We would NEVER, EVER allow what you allow in front of a gift giver.

I really feel in my heart of hearts, you’ve got it wrong here, and it’s enough for me to never come here to visit again.

Although I am tempted to write a defense about the inaccuracies and wrongful assumptions in these comments, I think it might be more helpful to highlight the short-sighted parenting choice that I made.

I completely agree with Laura’s example about how it could play out in the future with birthday parties, etc. “Thank you, but I don’t want this” would be totally inappropriate in most situations and would break any child’s heart. This was probably short-sighted on my part.

But there’s something about just saying “Thank you” to umpteen unwanted gifts from her parents, grandma and magical gift givers that seems deceitful and wasteful. Since we donate toys regularly throughout the year, I think returning (not exchanging – returning!) the gifts sends a much stronger message to my daughter and is more likely to curb her initial inappropriate behavior (going berserk).

What do you think?

If you read these posts in your email, RSS feed, or Facebook, please click here to return to the site and comment. Thank you.

Related posts:

• My Child Refused Her Gifts
• Bringing Meaning Back to Manners

I do. I love it! I write goals and intentions throughout the year too.

This year we’re writing them down as a family activity, just for fun. We are writing goals for 2010 as well as this next decade. I like setting goals for myself and I am really excited to envision and plan for the next decade.

A part of the plan will have to consider the stages of my kids along the way. In ten years, I will have two adolescents (15 and 12 yrs old!). This realization at once brings uncertainty and direction to the plans.

It reminds me that my parenting needs to keep the long-range vision. In addition to addressing the crisis du jour, I also need to guide my kids’ development into becoming resilient, thoughtful, compassionate, generous, and resourceful adolescents and adults.

This wholistic vision of parenting is among the top of my New Decade’s Resolutions. I will be asking myself,  ”Are my actions, choices, reactions, and guidance serving my children well today AND 10 years from now AND 20 years from now?”

If you are also eager to join me in parenting the whole child, not just today’s child, then you might enjoy the free course that I am offering on Mindful Parenting.

In the meantime, I found this list by Michelle Horton at Babble and thought you might enjoy it.

25 New Year’s Resolutions Every Parent Should Make

1. Live for your family.
2. Accept who your children are.
3. Nurture your partnership.
4. Release control.
5. Limit the stress in our children’s lives.
6. Be a good role model.
7. Eat healthy.
8. Exercise.
9. Assign guardianship, if you haven’t already.
10. Find “me” time.
11. Plan a vacation.
12. Practice a non-plastic lifestyle.
13. Let kids be kids.
14. Stop judging other parents.
15. Stop worrying about every. little. thing.
16. It’s the small things that matter.
17. Organize clutter…
18. …but let the dishes pile up every now and then.
19. Give your home a green makeover.
20. Go on, let it out.
21. Don’t beat yourself up over organics.
22. Do more home cooking.
23. Show appreciation for our parents.
24. Read with your children. For fun.
25. Teach your kids money management skills.

Which ones will you make? Are you making one year or ten year resolutions? Or both?

Below are two of my resolutions for 2010:

1. Increase our family vacations by 100%.
2. I will work harder than ever and create exceptional parenting courses for you and other fellow parents working hard to become better parents.

It started during our Solstice celebration when the gnomes delivered a few gifts for my daughters. My 5-year-old eagerly ripped off the wrapping paper to discover the gifts she had asked for. She quickly started going berserk! And, not in the freaking out because she was so excited sort of way. She went berserk because the gifts (which she had asked for) were not quite right. The baby doll’s hair was too long. The doll’s clothes were funny. The baby stroller was frustrating to use. Nothing met her expectations!

Minutes after opening the very gifts she had been eagerly awaiting, she flung them across the room.

Thoughts going through my mind (in about this order):

1. Ungrateful child!
2. Is she possessed?
3. Please don’t model this for your younger sister – the parrot.
4. Why are you so damn particular?
5. Something about this feels uncomfortably familiar.
6. I remember pouting through most Christmases because they didn’t quite match my expectations.
7. Oh, she is not ungrateful
8. She is simply frustrated and disappointed.
9. Now what?

I removed the doll and stroller from the house. We all read a book together. We went on with our planned Solstice celebration, which was really great this year. (I’ll post a picture of the wreath that we made from treasures we gathered on our hike that morning.)

After my daughter was in a calm, receptive space, I took her to a quiet place to talk. I acknowledged her disappointment. I related to her by telling her that I felt a similar way as a child. I told her that I know it does not feel good to be so upset. I hugged her.

But then I also told her my expectations. I let her know that it is not okay to throw a fit when she doesn’t like a gift. I explained that if she does not like a gift, then she needs to be able to say, “thank you, but I don’t want this.”

Later that afternoon, my daughter asked for the gifts back. She waited until she was in a better space to deal with the disappointment again. She decided to keep the doll and stroller after all.

We knew we weren’t quite out of the woods yet though, because we were anticipating the onslaught of Christmas gifts from grandma. Grandma was arriving in two days with a reported barrage of junk stuff.

On Christmas morning before my daughter began opening the gifts, I reminded her that it was okay if she did not like the gifts, but she needed to say “Thank you” and put them into a “return pile”.

Her behavior was stunning for a 5-year-old. She eagerly handed out and opened gifts. She said thank you and put most of them in the return pile. For one reason or another, the gifts were not quite right.

Now it’s grandma who is left to deal with her unmet expectations and frustrated feelings.

The wreath we made for Winter Solstice

A follow-up:

A week or so after the holiday festivities had subsided, my daughter wrote her grandma a thank you note and apologized for her behavior. She took responsibility for her actions and understands how to behave differently the next time.

Hopefully this awful event can serve as a reminder to parents about the importance of keeping your child’s perspective in mind. My daughter did not feel punished or shamed or blamed. She did not feel silenced. Instead, she has had the space to process the event and take responsibility for her actions. Mission accomplished.

There were a surprising number of responses on the internet about this event. If you want to listen to angry moms rant, check out Did I Get It Wrong?

Related post:

• Bringing Meaning Back to Manners