Below is one of the 8 questions that I answered. Head over to the site to read the others and drop a question of your own in the comment box.

Do you feel there’s a greater need for parenting courses now than in the past? Why?

Me: That’s an interesting question. There are certainly more solutions being thrown at parents now than in the past. I think parents need support more than solutions.

Rather than offering cookie cutter solutions, A Crash Course in Mindful Parenting strives to help parents truly understand their own unique child. Once parents can grasp their child’s perspective, parents will feel much more confident and effective as parents.

Parenting is not just instinctive or intuitive. Parenting is not one-size-fits-all either. Sometimes the on-the-job training is too little too late. Sometimes parents want to parent differently than how they were parented. All of this takes thought, reflection, and some training. This course (and my site, Child Perspective) addresses this need.

You can head over to Bumples Family First to read my  interview and my first public announcement about my next course.

Seeing the world through my child’s eyes has been the single best way for me to fine tune my parenting. When I need direction on how to handle a situation – from addressing sibling rivalry to how we arrange our furniture to simply choosing a birthday gift - I look first to my child. What is my child’s perspective?

But, how do we tap into our child’s perspective? It begins with observation. This is different than simply watching your child. You can learn how to observe here.

Believe me, I know that understanding your child’s perspective can at times feel like climbing Mt. Everest. Backwards. It does get easier with practice.

I encourage you to start bringing your child’s perspective more and more into your own awareness. You can begin this every evening after your child is asleep.  Reflect on the day from his perspective. Reflection is the key. The zen of it. The essence of it. Below are some sample questions to help guide you:

• Were there ways that he felt like he contributed meaningfully to the family’s experience?
• Did he feel listened to attentively?
• What difficulties did he encounter? Were they avoidable?
• Did he experience positive outcomes?
• What did he engage with in his unstructured time?
• Was the room safe and appropriate for him to explore independently?

With practice and commitment, imagining your child’s perspective will become second nature and hopefully encompass all parts of the day. This understanding and deep connection with your child will provide innumerable and unexpected benefits. I look forward to hearing your experiences with this, both the struggles and success stories.

You can read more on understanding your child’s perspective visually, intellectually, and emotionally, plus these bonuses:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly

Observation is the first step toward understanding your child’s perspective (whether it’s emotional, intellectual, or visual). It is also the key to effectively bring parenting principles to life. So, when you feel challenged by how best to apply parenting principles, return to the keen observation of your child.  Let this be your guide.

Tips to gather useful observations:

1. Observing is not simply watching. To observe is to think like a scientist, without any preconceived ideas.
2. Each time you observe your child, try to forget about preconceived notions or previous experiences and just focus on what is happening right now.
3. Resist interfering with anything that your child is doing. The goal with observing is to learn from what your child is doing, not to correct, participate, or distract.
4. Observe, think, act. Is what you are going to do really going to help your child develop, learn or grow?

For example, when your two-year-old is getting dressed in the morning, notice what he can do for himself. Enable his participation as much as possible. Continue this enabling in other activities throughout the day. Young children love to help and participate.  You might be surprised to discover how much they can do at very early ages when they are supported and encouraged in the process.

This practice ensures that your actions result in collaboration with your child for his benefit, rather than undermining his efforts toward self-formation.

This does gets easier with regular practice. . . and a lot of observation.

Understanding your child is like putting together a puzzle. As with puzzles, sometimes the pieces just don’t fit right. Puzzle pieces get lost or tattered or a corner gets torn off. Kids get “worn out” too. They might have a funky moment with a friend or feel unappreciated by a teacher or hear a story that gets them rattled.

These changing pieces are like our ever changing and evolving kids. The change  is a good thing. Keeping up can be the hard part. Yet, understanding your child’s perspective is paramount as I have said over and over and over again.

I discussed the importance of understanding your child’s perspective in the #1 Parenting Secret. Then I introduced 2 of the 3 aspects of perspective taking: visual, and intellectual. Today I’ll discuss the emotional aspect.

6 emotional needs of children:

• Love: Children don’t always know that we love them. They need to be shown and told often. Look for opportunities. A warm smile. A hearty laugh. A timely hug. Let your love light shine.
• Acceptance: Accept your child for who she is. Let go of your idea of who you want her to be and support her natural blossoming.
• Sense of belonging and connection: Work hard to maintain connection with your child as she ages and also in times of distress. Play is the most direct and revealing way to connect with your child. In fact, it is your child’s primary way to connect. So, rather than ignoring a temper tantrum, try connecting with consensual roughhousing instead. Fabulous book (with a boring name): Playful Parenting
• Security: Set limits and boundaries. Your child actually craves these and will test and push until she feels the limit. Limits help her to feel secure. Set one and stick with it!
• Healthy sense of self: Help your child understand herself. Talk about emotions (pleasant and unpleasant). Give her coping techniques. Channel the strengths and struggles in a positive direction.
• Productivity and achievement: Children are in process. They are becoming independent beings. This happens best with a supportive environment where each child can do appropriate, purposeful activities. Sitting in front of the TV is not one of these. Pouring water from one container to another is appropriate for a toddler. So is finger painting. If the child can use her hands or body, she will be filling her body and mind with important information.

These six emotional needs are huge clues for understanding your child’s emotional state. Use them as a checklist. Are her needs being met? Are there areas where she needs more input? Are you putting too much energy into one or two needs and ignoring another?

Related posts:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly
• The World According to  Your Child
• Crawling Inside Your Child’s Mind

Parents often delight in trying to understand their newborn’s personality and needs. It can be exciting to get to know the newest member of the family. Yet, when it comes to older kids, many parents have a different approach. They try to control instead of observe. Ever known a helicopter parent?

It’s no wonder. Who wants to crawl inside the mind of a child who is screaming or yelling? Who wants to observe a stubborn or rude child? Yet this is when trying on another person’s perspective is critical.  Ask yourself what’s going on for your child when he is seems to be  irrationally acting in this way.

Admittedly, this is no easy feat. But it’s rewards are immeasurable.

The benefits speak for themselves. It’s training the adult that takes work.

How do you shift your perspective to unobjectively try on another person’s perspective? How can you crawl inside your child’s mind? First, and most importantly, put aside your own idea or fantasy of who you want  your child to be and be open to who your child is.

Many parents have preconceived ideas about how they want their kid to develop – confident, outgoing, adaptable, organized . This is understandable. But, when things turn out differently, parents mourn the loss of their dream child. Sometimes their mourning gets in the way of truly seeing their child for who he really is.

I will provide more tools for better understanding your child’s individual temperaments and behavior preferences in future posts.

In the meantime, consider two different, yet common scenarios:

Scenario #1:

You are eager to get your toddler dressed for the day. You have a big meeting at work and cannot be late again. Frantically, you are trying to get clothes on her, but she is doing anything to avoid you. It’s her favorite game. Then, she breaks down fussing and refusing to get dressed. Sound familiar?

So, you beg and plead. To no avail (unless you break down and offer a grand bribe). Then you lose your temper, throw the clothes on, and the two of you storm out the door for the day. A quick and discombobulated drop-off and you slide into work just. in. time.

Consider to yourself:

1. Why is she upset?
2. Is she tired or sick?
3. What is her zing?
4. How would she want to get dressed?
5. Are the clothes comfortable?

Likely, with a toddler, the child is wanting more control over the situation. Toddlers love earning some responsibilities and control. Rather than choosing her outfit and dressing her, give her the opportunity to participate.  If you aren’t comfortable with mismatched clothes, get over it! allow her to pick out her socks or underwear.

Consider your child’s zing. These developmental phases will tell you a lot about your child’s needs and preferences. Follow the zing.

Scenario #2

You are at the grocery store with your two children. While waiting in the check-out line, another shopper behind you starts crooning over one of your children (typically the one at that “cute age”).

“Oh, look at you and your cool sunglasses. What great hair he has! I love those dimples. How old are you?”

Meanwhile, your other child, standing like a shadow beside you, is looking on. What do you imagine he is thinking? Can you imagine? It might be different than what you are thinking or think he should be thinking. Read his facial expressions and body language. Is he also admiring his little brother? Or, is he thinking that he must be invisible or not as cute?

The hidden part here – that will bite you in the ass if you don’t watch out – is that your child will eventually act this out. Unlike scenario #1, he may not act this out now. In fact, many behavioral issues stem from previous experiences, not immediate occurrences.

Pay attention to these behavioral issues. Sit with each one (as it is happening or shortly thereafter) for a few minutes and try to understand your child’s perspective. This is the most significant change you can make to your parenting style!

Related posts:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly
• The World According to  Your Child
• What is My Child Thinking?

In fact, studies have shown that understanding your child’s perspective has the biggest positive impact on your children. More so than anything else you can do as a parent! Yet, the idea of knowing the child’s perspective eludes even those parents with the best intentions.

There are three levels of perspective taking, as Jean Piaget explained : visual, intellectual, emotional.

Today I hope to provide you with enough detail about the visual aspect that you will be able to transfer this discussion to your own experiences. Future posts will examine the intellectual and emotional perspectives of children.

First, take a moment to imagine yourself the height of your child. Maneuver around your house at this height (crawling, squatting, kneeling) to gain insight into what your child experiences every day.

• Are her needs met at this level?
• Are their small chairs, tables, books positioned lower on shelves or toys located in easy reach?
• Is there interesting artwork at this level?
• Is your child’s independence supported at this level (dressing, eating, helping with household tasks)?

Aside from having a different physical perspective, with regards to height and size, on the world, children see other aspects differently too. Can you remember the way those classic children’s books looked to you as a youngster? Probably more vivid and illustrative than they do today. When you’ve read them umpteen times. Do you remember the way playgrounds and pools looked when you were very young? Gigantic and “alive”.

Consider now your own child’s perspective.

Have you ever brought your child to a festival only to  have her “freak out”? How embarrassing, right?

Your child was over-stimulated by the activity, movement, noises, smells, light, sirens, etc. Make note of this so that in the future you can prepare your child. Discuss those strong feelings and give her names for the emotions. This will help your child to feel respected, understood, and for her to understand what she is feeling, besides shame, fear, and discomfort.

Does your child spend forever gazing at something “mundane” like a bug, acorn, or flower?

Rather than scold, tease, belittle, or punish these unique nuances, work hard (very hard) to understand them. What is my child seeing here? How might it look different to her than to me? Have I seen this reaction or behavior before? When?

If you don’t know the answers to the questions, observe more closely and ask your child:

• What are you seeing?
• Can you draw me a picture of the festival? What was the good part? What was the bad part?

These examples are the hidden clues to discover how your child sees the world. Remember, we are not trying to change things we think should be different. We are trying to understand our own unique children and all of their attributes.

After all, we are their advocates. We are the ones who know them best and help them navigate this world. If we try to suppress the unpleasant, embarrassing, or ugly behavior, then our children have the enormous burden of struggling to accept themselves when those closest don’t.

Let’s honor and celebrate our children as people with personalities, quirks, needs, desires, and yes, opinions.

Subscribe here to follow the discussion and learn more about the emotional and intellectual perspectives of children.

Related posts:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly
• What is My Child Thinking?

The most important question here is: “what flipped his switch?”

1. Was the party different than he expected?
2. Louder?
3. Bigger?
4. More crowded?
5. Was he wanting to be alone instead, but not able to recognize that feeling?

Hopefully you get the point. Situations like this beg us to think like our children. He needs to be understood and respected. He does not need to be lectured, punished, shamed, or placated. Things are not always as they seem.

Understanding your child’s perspective forces you to look past the surface and go deeper.  These exercises below, from The Third Side, perfectly illustrate the perspective shifting that must take place. Look at each picture below one at a time. What do  you see?

Things are not always as they seem.

In the first picture do you see a man’s face? Or, the word Liar?

In the second picture, do you see a young girl? Or the old woman?

Like I said, these pictures perfectly illustrate the perspective shifting that can take place. There is more than one interpretation of every picture, experience, and situation. Things are not always as they seem. It takes knowing your child deeply and accepting his uniqueness to really understand his perspective. My mission is to help this become a natural part of your parenting.

Think about your specific situations or examples when you struggle to tap in to your child’s perspective. Please take a moment to leave a comment and share your experiences.

Related posts:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• What is My Child Thinking?

Study after study has shown that understanding your child’s perspective has a bigger positive impact on your children than most other things you do. If that wasn’t clear, read it again!

It is not always intuitive to know how your child views the world. It is not always easy to crawl inside her mind, either. Yet, this is the most important work of parenting. Parenting is a job with a constantly changing job description. But, if you master this one skill, your job suddenly gets a lot easier!

Are you really too busy or too preoccupied to develop the single most important skill to being a good parent?

You may be asking: But how can I possibly know what my child is thinking?

Tuning in to another person’s perspective has three levels:

1. see – Think spatially. Literally, consider how your child sees the world. Hint: if you are blessed with the ability to remember how you saw things as a kid, then you’ll be one step ahead. If not, reflect on Alice in Wonderland. Like ants, children are small. Therefore, everything else looks much bigger. Also, things often appear more vivid and illustrative.
2. think – Imagine how your child thinks. Rather than imagining yourself in that situation, imagine your child in that situation. This can be an elusive concept to many, so I’ll come back to it in future posts.
3. feel – Try to understand how something might affect your child even if it does not affect you.

Some benefits for parents:

1. Life with kids will feel easier.
2. You will enjoy your kids more and have more patience with them.
3. You will be the role model you want to be by modeling this level of understanding and compassion.

Some benefits for children:

1. Children will feel understood and respected
2. Children will feel better about themselves and more connected with you.
3. Children will learn from your example how to be less self-centered and more concerned with others feeling.

I won’t pretend this does not take thought and consideration. It’s not a band-aid approach to parenting struggles. Rather, it’s an entire parenting paradigm; one that offers tremendous value to your relationship with your child.

Like all significant relationships, you must develop the ability to understand the other person in order for the relationship to be successful and thrive. This ability to step outside of your own viewpoint is a remarkable capability of the human mind. Use it!

Considering the child’s perspective is a significant and unique aspect of my coaching. If you’d like to learn more about understanding your child’s perspective, then subscribe here. Join in the conversation and follow along as I further dissect this parenting paradigm in subsequent posts.

Related posts:

• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly
• The World According to Your Child
• Crawling Inside Your Child’s Mind
• What is My Child Thinking?

Like all manners, the etiquette around this needs to be taught. Children are not born with an innate understanding of societal expectations.

As a preschool teacher, I learned the importance of teaching the kids how to interrupt appropriately. Kids are excited and eager to share, ask questions, get help, and connect with adults. All of this enthusiasm means a lot of potential problems with interrupting. The “interrupting lesson” gets taught during the first week of school and then it gets repeated and repeated.

In my classroom, just like in my house, we have a rule for getting an adult’s attention when he is otherwise occupied. It’s simple. Gently place a hand on the adult’s shoulder, arm, or back. Without constantly moving the hand or creeping the fingers higher, just keep the hand placed until the adult is ready to talk.

Then, the adult can rest his hand on top to let the child know that he is aware that she is waiting. This seems to quell their impatience briefly.

This practice has to be taught and you can even have fun with it by role playing. Once it has been taught, it is very easy to put into regular practice.

The beauty of this simple practice is that the conversation or activity is never interrupted. You do not have to stop your conversation to verbally correct your child. Once you have taught your child this simple practice, then you can simply pat your arm or shoulder if you need to remind her not to interrupt. DO NOT STOP TALKING and DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT, this only indicates success to the child. Continue your conversation and without looking at your child, pat your arm or shoulder.

There are many changes parents enjoy once their child has absorbed the rituals of a Montessori classroom. The interrupting lesson is always among the favorites of the parents because it improves their own quality of life. If you are consistent and the child feels successful, you will enjoy many more completed conversations.

I have written about anger previously in a short series. Today’s article is less about a major behavior crisis like suppressed anger and more about the frequent temper tantrums or moments of whining and frustration.

Photo credit: kakisky from morguefile.com

Strong emotions can be scary for children to experience, yet unfortunately, that fear or alarm doesn’t stop the emotion but rather adds additional fuel to their fire. Our job as parents beckons us to help our children learn to manage their emotions (as adults we need to be working on this too).

Just as it is important to understand what triggers your child’s tantrums or anger, it is also important to understand what soothes him. Ask yourself:

1. When he is upset, does he like to be held or does he like space?
2. Is he easily distracted or redirected?
3. Has he had enough physical activity today? Repetitive motion helps soothe frayed nerves (walking, running, jumping, swinging).
4. Can I slow down, meet him at eye level, and show him how to take deep breaths? Kids might reject this in the heat of the moment. It’s especially beneficial if this skill can be taught during a peaceful, calm time, like before bed. Place something (child’s hand, stuffed animal, book) on your child’s belly and encourage him to move it up and down with breaths.
5. Is he experiencing sensory overload (or “underload”, for that matter)?   Change the environment whether inside or outside. Fill the sink with luke warm water and bubbles for your child. Set him up with something squishy, such as play-doh or clay. Turn on some music. Get out the finger paints.

If you don’t know how to soothe your child, experiment. Make a plan and take note of what is effective. Be your child’s ally and begin to anticipate times when tensions might flare, so that you can help your child manage the build-up of tempers rather than just reacting to the tantrum.

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