What does positive parenting mean to you? Do you see it as your own enjoyment of parenting or more about nurturing the positive traits in your children?

Often the two go hand in hand. When we feel good about our moment-to-moment parenting choices, our kids are likely to feel good too. But when our kids are running on empty (lacking physical or emotional fuel), then parenting gets more difficult. It’s in these difficult parenting moments that our responses are the most tenuous.

Being able to anticipate and recognize these moments is what mindful parenting is all about. Mindful parenting makes parenting more fun and fulfilling and less of a burden or mystery. Mindful parenting includes positive parenting.

Mindful, positive parenting allows you to be able to say YES to your child more often without giving in, while also bringing out the behavior you want. (You can find specific tips for becoming a more mindful parent here.)

2 Tips to Keep it Positive

#1: Saying Yes instead of No

Consider this scenario: You are tucking your toddler into bed for the night. Like most toddlers, she would rather stay awake with you than end the day and face the discomfort of separation. She hugs you and pleads, “I want to be with you.”

You could respond:

“No honey, it is time for bed.”

or simply try to find a way to say yes

“Okay, when you wake up we’ll snuggle and read a book together.” (*positive parenting response)

If you are parenting mindfully, it’s easier to keep your bearings. You know that your toddler just wants to be with you. You can acknowledge her so that she feels heard and understood, but not “give in” to an extended bedtime.

#2 Positive Reinforcement

You are preparing dinner and your children are finally playing quietly in the next room for the first time in ages.

You could:

1. Continue cooking without interruption and enjoy the quiet. Maybe you’ll even have an extra moment to brag about it on Facebook.

or

2. You could step away from the kitchen for a moment to acknowledge and reinforce this desirable behavior, “You guys are doing a nice job playing together.”

It’s a well known fact that angry people make noise and happy people remain silent. We see it in parenting. We see it in politics.

When our kids are behaving well (playing nicely with siblings or friends, willingly completing homework, getting ready for school on time) it’s easy to remain quiet. To say nothing. Yet the moment there is a problem, we are quick to speak up.

But that means that kids predictably get our attention when they do something negative. So what do you think they’ll choose next time they really want some connection/attention from you? They’ll choose the surest form – negative attention.

We know that it doesn’t matter whether it’s negative or positive attention, if kids want it they will take it in whatever form you dish it out. So, start dishing out positive attention (especially if it is unexpected and/or in front of other people) and see your child’s behavior shifts. Enjoy the benefits of positive parenting.

Bonus tip: Praise requires a little mindfulness too or else it can backfire. You can read more to learn how to effectively praise your child.

When you are feeling a little worn out this evening, remind yourself of the two tips for keeping it positive. You’ll enjoy a smoother evening! And feel better about yourself too.

Children misbehave every 3 minutes (some statistics say). The parent in me can find fleeting comfort in that. But the child development specialist in me knows that it doesn’t need to be that way.

Last week I checked out a new method for discipline and promised to review it for you. It turns out, much to my disbelief, that this simple method (with a lame name) has been immediately effective and appears to be a positive approach to discipline.

1-2-3 Magic

I checked out the video for 1-2-3 Magic from our local library, watched the video that same night, and then put the method into action first thing the next morning. The video proved to be a nice alternative to the book because Superdad and I could watch it together and in just 2 hours we had a plan in place.

Our day-to-day life has been better ever since. I highly, highly recommend this method by Dr. Phelan.

Two Reasons Kids Frustrate Parents

If kids misbehave every 3 minutes, think of how much time and energy we zap talking, threatening or punishing them.

We get frustrated with our kids for one of two reasons:

1. They are doing something that we want them to Stop (tempers, whining, hitting, etc).
2. They are not doing something that we want them to Start (cleaning the bedroom, putting away toys, doing their homework, etc).

Dr. Phelan simply calls these START and STOP behaviors. The method that I’m describing here is for Stop behavior.

1-2-3 Magic is easy to use and effective for kids 2-12

Often times the behavior we want to stop is testing and manipulation. Dr. Phelan describes 6 different testing tactics, such as badgering and temper tantrums. Let me tell you, 1-2-3 Magic works like …well, magic in these circumstances.

If your child does something that he knows is not okay (because you’ve talked about it over and over and over again) then stop talking. Simply count. Your child gets two chances and then there is a consequence. Let’s look at an example:

If your child starts badgering you for a toy after you have already said no, then you simply say: “That’s 1.” Wait 5 seconds. If the badgering continues, “that’s 2.” Wait 5 seconds. If it’s still happening you calmly say, “That’s 3. Take 5 minutes in your room.” End of story.

Quick tips for 1-2-3 Magic

1. Stay calm.
2. Explain the new plan to your child before you put it into place.
3. Give your child about 1 minute of “time-out” for every year of their age.
4. DO NOT discuss the situation when they return. It’s a clean slate.
5. Counting in this way is so effective, that it can be addictive. Don’t overuse it.

There is real technique to this method, so if you are at all inclined to put it into practice, I encourage you to grab the book or video for yourself.

Benefits of 1-2-3 Magic:

1. It’s simple.
2. Saves your energy.
3. Frees up more of your time for fun and connection.
4. Maintains your calm authority.
5. Eliminates the endless negotiations.
6. Gives children the limits and authority they crave.
7. Punishment is short and sweet.
8. When used appropriately, it’s highly effective. But, using it appropriately is a learned art, which is why you should read the book or watch the video.

I’ve said before how there is no such thing as a perfect parent. I’ve never met one and I am far from a perfect parent  myself. I have plenty of moments where I think, “Hmmph, if my readers could see/hear me now!”

Those moments occur far too often these days. I’ve hit a wall. It’s harder to have a fresh perspective and fresh start with BG (my oldest). I feel resentful to her for sabotaging our family’s happiness often and recently. I’m disappointed with myself for feeling so tangled up in this mess. And mostly I am sad for her and whatever she is experiencing.

So tomorrow Superdad and I will go brainstorm with a family therapist. And I have to say, I’m so excited. I used to send other parents to this particular therapist because of her instinctive knack and the constant rave reviews. I’ve also been told that she and I are like spitting images of each other when it comes to parenting. So, it feels safe and full of promise. The promise of some family peace!

And the promise of getting some traction on this slippery kid. In all of her delight and spunk, she has this one little slippery area that we can’t quite put a finger on. Just when we do, it slips out from under us again and changes form.

So, why am I telling you all of this? I’m hesitant  to air my kid’s dirty laundry online. And, it’s not really about that or her. It’s to highlight – again – that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. No one is flawless. But, in recognizing my weak spots I can be reaching for greatness.

I don’t measure my parenting aptitude by how I handle the smooth moments. I measure it by how I handle the hard ones. And lately, it’s not been great. I feel like I’m parenting on a banana peel.

I’m losing my footing, and need someone to help ground and guide me off this slippery path. And part of being a great parent is to recognize when you’ve hit a wall (or lost an objective viewpoint) and have the courage to ask for help. That’s what we’ll be doing tomorrow. Asking for some help.

Are you looking for an easy way to get your child’s attention?

Sometimes parents describe kids as selective listeners. “He never listens to me!”

Consider why:

1. Presentation is everything. Does your child want to listen to more nagging and yelling?
2. They have to become selective to cope with the barrage of noise surrounding them. Most of the noise is from us, the parents. We are busy giving well-intended directions, redirection, corrections, and lessons.

Meanwhile the child is left to decipher what is really important in all of this noise.

While yelling often gets a child’s attention, it’s an aggressive form of parenting. I regret every time that I have resorted to yelling. It saddens me to see my child look at me with fear or astonishment.

Whispering is as effective as yelling for grabbing my kid’s attention and a lot less disturbing.

It even works in a classroom filled with 3-6 year olds. Sitting at circle with 22 preschoolers is sometimes like herding kittens. When their voices become loud or their attention wanders, some teachers choose to yell, threaten, or punish. I find it more effective to simply whisper.

The children quickly become quiet and re-focus their attention on me. Same is true with my own kids. When their attention or interest is waning in the middle of an activity, I speak very quietly to regain their attention and interest. Remember, presentation is everything. Bring excitement and intrigue to what you are about to say.

You may have read the NY Times article, For Some Parents, Shouting is the New Spanking. I look forward to a time when Whispering is the New Shouting.

It works like a charm. . . if you don’t overdo it.

Here’s a story about a typical trouble maker. From his earliest days in elementary school, Jonathon Mooney spent most of his time kicked out of the classroom. His teachers sent him to the hall because he was just too disruptive to the class. He was eventually labeled dyslexic and later ADD. He dropped out of school for a bit in sixth grade. He did not learn to read until he was 12 years old.

Sounds like a potential life of struggles. Maybe even life long dependence on his parents.

Turns out, this boy is now an adult. Mooney is successful and happy. He lives independent of his parents. He went to Brown University and was a Rhodes Scholarship finalist. He founded his own non-profit to help students with learning disabilities.

Does this sound like the typical trouble maker (I hope you hear the cynicism in my voice)? Hindsight is 20/20. Like most kids who struggle, there is an underlying issue behind the disruptive behavior. Unfortunately, reprimanding and shaming the behavior does not solve the underlying issue.

In a recent lecture, Mooney, gave two strong suggestions to parents:

1. Shift your perspective when questioning if your child smart. Instead, consider how he is smart. Focus less on remedial teachings and more on channeling the struggles into something positive.
2. Be an advocate for your child in school.

Think of all of the kids who are sent “away” because they are too difficult to manage. It is challenging to be around their struggles. They are just too different to fit into something so structured and standard.

Each child is brilliant in his own unique way. Remember this when you are frustrated with your child’s behavior. Instead, give him opportunities to explore his brilliance, rather than punishing his “weakness”. Celebrate it. Teach your child how to channel his struggles in a positive direction.

Help create positive channeling ideas!

Mooney suggests if a child is particularly verbal but not so hot with writing skills, sign him up for debate club. What a great idea! Do  you have other ideas? Please leave your comment below.

As a teacher and parent, I never use the phrase “time out”. It is permeated with negative connotations and all too frequent use. Yet, the time and separation that “time outs” provide can be a positive, even empowering opportunity for the child (when done well). How do you do this well?

• Rather than threatening time out, state your wishes in the positive: “If you would like to continue playing with Sam, then you need to stop throwing sand. If you throw sand again, you will have to get out of the sandbox until you are ready to listen.”
• Allow the child to determine the length of separation based on readiness. This is an opportunity to practice managing his own behavior and moods.
• When the child is ready to return to the group, do not question him. Say, “I’m so glad  you are ready to listen and keep the sand low in the sandbox.” That’s it. No lectures. No punitive looks.

A couple of examples:

(1) My daughter has been enjoying shrieking loudly inside the house. I mean, REALLY loud. She gets a rise out of her sister and her parents. Immediately rewarding!

Response:

I calmly take her by the hand, lead her outside, and say, “That is an outside voice. You can make that noise out here. When you are done and ready to use an inside voice you may come back inside the house”.

She determines when she is ready. Sometimes it is shorter than I would have decided, but often it is longer.

(2) In preschool children often test limits. It’s to be expected. After all, it is a necessary phase of their development! Group time/circle time is a common time and place for this acting out to occur. Some children are not responsive to redirection when talking out-of-turn or moving inappropriately.

Response:

I calmly ask the child to leave the group until she is ready to sit still or raise her hand (whatever is necessary to correct the offending behavior). When she is ready to act appropriately, she can come back and try again. Often, this is all it takes.

Is this a traditional time out? Not exactly, but it serves the same purpose of separating the child and giving him some space to cool down. Moreover, it gives responsibility and power to the child to make a good decision and correct the behavior independently.

Better than threatening, “you’re going into time-out if I see that again!” (for the 100th time), you can use a potentially negative situation for a positive learning opportunity. Remember that children want to please adults and feel connected. Often times acting out is just a cry for connection. What is your child really saying?

Not sure how to turn your negative into a positive? Write to me, and I’ll consider an alternative approach.

Discipline is one of these issues. Let’s consider the disciplinary measure of time- out. Is a time-out the best method of discipline? Or, should we never isolate our kids when they are struggling? There are many schools of thought about time-out. What is yours?

Some parents believe time-out is an effective way to remove the child from a problematic situation while punishing him for misbehavior.

Others believe that when children misbehave they are really crying for attention and interaction. These parents assert that choosing positive ways to interact is more effective than rewarding these cries with a negative consequence such as time-out.

In preschool classrooms, removing a child from a problematic situation is common practice. Some teachers use it often and others as a last resort. In my earlier days teaching, I comfortably removed a child from a situation (playground time, group circle, etc) if there was inappropriate behavior. But, over the years, my beliefs and understanding were challenged by various situations and children.  I especially remember one particular child that I separated from the group every single day. Time-out, although I never referred to it as that, was not working.

I knew I had to switch my approach before this child became even more disconnected from the class and school. I considered the child’s perspective. I reflected on when he was getting irritable and acting out. It seemed that sitting was challenging for him, so he stimulated himself in negative, inappropriate ways (bothering his neighbor, fidgeting, making noises with his mouth).

I had a hunch that I could teach him how to manage his body and impulses in those situations. He began sitting on a spongy disc and squeezing a stress ball in his hands. Success! He did not have to leave circle anymore. His sense of self and connection with the group flourished after that adjustment.

This example from a school setting is relevant for parents too. Do you know a parent who puts his child in time-out over and over and over again. Does it have a positive change on the child’s behavior? Is it improving the situation? Usually the answer is no. So, I’m left to wonder what the parent is hoping to achieve by this. Just as I had to ask myself what I was hoping to achieve by removing the same child every day from group time.

While the disciplinary measure of time-out does have a time and a place, it is seldom the best response and constantly overused. Think of the word “discipline” as “training” rather than “punishment”. We have to understand our children’s natural impulses and train them to manage them appropriately. As Maria Montessori said in The Absorbent Mind, “We must aim at cultivating the will, not breaking it.”

Instead of resorting to time-out every time something “bad” happens, consider your child’s perspective. Ask yourself:

• Can I turn this into a positive?
• Can I connect instead of isolate?
• Can I address the underlying problem?

Are you a believer in the effectiveness of time-out?

Do you have alternative modes for discipline that you find more successful?

Please share your thoughts below and subscribe to follow the conversation.

Like all manners, the etiquette around this needs to be taught. Children are not born with an innate understanding of societal expectations.

As a preschool teacher, I learned the importance of teaching the kids how to interrupt appropriately. Kids are excited and eager to share, ask questions, get help, and connect with adults. All of this enthusiasm means a lot of potential problems with interrupting. The “interrupting lesson” gets taught during the first week of school and then it gets repeated and repeated.

In my classroom, just like in my house, we have a rule for getting an adult’s attention when he is otherwise occupied. It’s simple. Gently place a hand on the adult’s shoulder, arm, or back. Without constantly moving the hand or creeping the fingers higher, just keep the hand placed until the adult is ready to talk.

Then, the adult can rest his hand on top to let the child know that he is aware that she is waiting. This seems to quell their impatience briefly.

This practice has to be taught and you can even have fun with it by role playing. Once it has been taught, it is very easy to put into regular practice.

The beauty of this simple practice is that the conversation or activity is never interrupted. You do not have to stop your conversation to verbally correct your child. Once you have taught your child this simple practice, then you can simply pat your arm or shoulder if you need to remind her not to interrupt. DO NOT STOP TALKING and DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT, this only indicates success to the child. Continue your conversation and without looking at your child, pat your arm or shoulder.

There are many changes parents enjoy once their child has absorbed the rituals of a Montessori classroom. The interrupting lesson is always among the favorites of the parents because it improves their own quality of life. If you are consistent and the child feels successful, you will enjoy many more completed conversations.

I have written about anger previously in a short series. Today’s article is less about a major behavior crisis like suppressed anger and more about the frequent temper tantrums or moments of whining and frustration.

Photo credit: kakisky from morguefile.com

Strong emotions can be scary for children to experience, yet unfortunately, that fear or alarm doesn’t stop the emotion but rather adds additional fuel to their fire. Our job as parents beckons us to help our children learn to manage their emotions (as adults we need to be working on this too).

Just as it is important to understand what triggers your child’s tantrums or anger, it is also important to understand what soothes him. Ask yourself:

1. When he is upset, does he like to be held or does he like space?
2. Is he easily distracted or redirected?
3. Has he had enough physical activity today? Repetitive motion helps soothe frayed nerves (walking, running, jumping, swinging).
4. Can I slow down, meet him at eye level, and show him how to take deep breaths? Kids might reject this in the heat of the moment. It’s especially beneficial if this skill can be taught during a peaceful, calm time, like before bed. Place something (child’s hand, stuffed animal, book) on your child’s belly and encourage him to move it up and down with breaths.
5. Is he experiencing sensory overload (or “underload”, for that matter)?   Change the environment whether inside or outside. Fill the sink with luke warm water and bubbles for your child. Set him up with something squishy, such as play-doh or clay. Turn on some music. Get out the finger paints.

If you don’t know how to soothe your child, experiment. Make a plan and take note of what is effective. Be your child’s ally and begin to anticipate times when tensions might flare, so that you can help your child manage the build-up of tempers rather than just reacting to the tantrum.

Was this helpful? Let me know in a comment and subscribe to read other parenting articles.

Playful Parenting, by Lawrence J. Cohen, stresses the importance of fostering and maintaining connection with children of all ages through their mode of communication – play.

“Play is children’s main way of communicating. To stop a child from play is like stopping an adult from talking and thinking. To control every minute of their play is like controlling every word someone says. But to leave children all alone in their play is like spending the day with other adults and never talking with them.”

All children have a playful side and parents can learn so much about their children from observing and participating in this play! Kids are best able to express their daily frustrations, challenges, and joys through play. Since most children don’t just sit down and show their vulnerability or ask to talk, play is a viable means for connecting with your child on their playing field. It must be on their terms.

I recommend every parent read this book. Here are just a few of my favorite highlights:

1. Replace play (connection) for discipline (isolation) whenever possible! Stretch your imagination and temper your temper to make it more and more possible.
2. Encourage, ask, or tease your child into playing with you (yes, your 13 or 14 yr old too).
3. Children (like adults, or is that just me?) dance between feelings of isolation and connection regularly.
4. Children’s difficulties cannot always sort themselves out if they are left alone. This is one reason why time-out is mostly ineffective.
5. The idea that all children have emotional cups that become empty when they are tired, hungry, frustrated,etc. When kids are nastiest is when they desperately need us to connect, rather than discipline. Parental connection is what fills that metaphorical cup.
6. Don’t ignore or take for granted those precious, vulnerable requests for interaction, engagement, and connection.

The initial work of reading and implementing another strategy may seem daunting to some and exciting to others. I guarantee that the work that it takes in the beginning, the challenge to stretch yourself as a parent, will improve your life and your relationship with your child dramatically. If you implement the methodology of this book, your child will be forever impacted and grateful!

This book is for you if you’ve ever wondered:

• why you are always putting your child in time-out, even though it rarely improves her behavior
• how to react differently to your child’s misbehavior
• how you can play that game one more time without losing your mind
• how to shift the dynamic to laugh more with your child
• what your child is really thinking or what might be troubling her

Playful Parenting, also recently reviewed at PhD in Parenting, is a refreshing parenting book that takes on the important and often neglected parenting issue – having fun with your kids. We expect fun to be a natural part of parenting, and sometimes it is. But, when it isn’t we wonder what went wrong and regret our loss rather than understand how to reconnect.

Do you struggle to maintain connection with your child? How do you regain it after a temporary lapse?