Parents frequently tip-toe around the sensitive topic of race.

Does highlighting skin color differences create a further sense of otherness or division among the races? Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman sought answers to this question for their provocative book, NurtureShock.

Through their research the authors noted that many parents (especially caucasian parents) were uncomfortable talking about a person’s skin color for fear of teaching a racial construct.

Yet, to the researcher’s surprise, it was exactly this silence that was allowing already formed constructs to persist. The constructs were already there from the earliest ages!

Children categorize (i.e., make constructs) to make sense of this complex world, beginning when they are just babies.

Babies notice differences and categorize accordingly, but they don’t have preferences yet. These preferences begin as young as 3 years old. But, at no point are children color-blind toward race, like many adults hope.

Kid’s are developmentally prone to in-group preferences or favoritism. Differences in skin and hair color are like differences in shirt colors – they are visible to the eye without needing to be labeled.

It would seem that the timeframe parents think is too soon to begin discussing skin color with their children (or important not to discuss race) is the same timeframe that these young minds are forming their first conclusions about race.

Many parents quietly and subtly help their children feel comfortable and connected in this diverse world, by simply exposing them to diversity and assuming that this diversity becomes the accepted norm. That was the premise I was operating under prior to reading this book.

To my surprise, Bronson and Merryman conclude that it is critical to speak with children about racial differences in order to ensure less divisive attitudes. Simply exposing your children in meaningful and tangible ways to multi-racial people is not enough. There needs to be conversation!

A conversation with my daughter started after school yesterday when she began telling me the story of Rosa Parks refusing to sit in the back of the bus. She told the story with dramatic intonation and keen detail, just as her teacher would. Yet, when I asked her why Rosa Parks had to sit in the back of the bus, she shrugged.

I began explaining (so that a 5 year old might understand) that Rosa Parks had dark-colored skin.We looked at our own skin and talked about some friends with darker skin. I explained how people with light-colored skin used to be very mean to dark-skinned people. Before I could get very far, my daughter chimed right back in agreeing how long ago black people were not allowed to share the same bathrooms or drinking fountains with white people.

As much as I wanted to go into the ugly history here, I refrained. Little bits of information are easier to consume than long diatribes. Especially after an exhausting day of kindergarten.

Below are two children’s books that might help the conversation along:

• Shades of People (2-6)
• One World, One Day (ages 4-8)

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Parenting experts are ruining our kids.

But before I nose dive into that swamp, let me tell you a story. It’s a story that was told on an episode of NBC’s West Wing. It’s about NASA’s Zero Gravity Pen.

When NASA first started sending astronauts into space in the 1960′s, they quickly realized that regular pens did not work in zero gravity. The ink wouldn’t flow through the pen. So they spent the next decade (and nearly $1.5 million dollars) developing a pen that would work in space.

The Russians had the same problem. So they used a pencil.

I tell this story (it’s an urban legend, actually) to highlight an important point: we often spend large amounts of time and effort creating elaborate solutions to problems when simple answers are right under our noses.

Parenting experts are no different. Experts create a bewildering array of elaborate and contradictory solutions to parenting conundrums. Parents grasp for one solution and then another hoping to solve the current problem.

What Happens When You Don’t Trust Your Gut

How many times have you cracked open a new parenting book searching for answers? You hope to resolve your child’s behavior, which is sabotaging your family’s happiness. Yet when you actually try to apply this sage advice, it falls flat with a THUD! No drastic changes. Certainly nothing close to what the authors described.

This is simply because every child is different. Just like every adult is unique in her personality make-up, life experiences, temperament, and preferences, every child is unique too. It makes the experts’ cookie cutter solutions shaky, at best.

But here’s the thing, parents, our solution is right in front of us. It’s our own children.

Getting to know your child is the very best way to begin solving most problems. In fact, you’ll find the solution to many problems just through the act of really coming to understand your child’s perspective. Yup, that’s what I’m here to help you with.

See, every kid is unique. And while this sounds cliche’, it’s significance is also completely underestimated.

5 Ways to Get Your Parenting Mojo Back

1. Observe your child. Take time to unobtrusively observe behavior, mood, preferences.
2. Look for patterns. Realize that there is a reason behind everything your child does. Discovering the reason will help you significantly.
3. See beyond the momentary crises. Parent the whole child by regularly reflecting on your child’s behavior and disposition.
4. Accept your child’s temperament. Understand the individual characteristics that make up your child’s personality. They’re called temperament traits and aren’t likely to change, so you might as well learn to support them. (I’ll post more on temperaments soon).
5. Love the child you have. Put aside your assumptions or expectations and accept your child in all of her glory.

Taking time to really understand your child and your child’s perspective is one of the most influential parenting choices you can make, studies show. Understanding your child will help you determine the reason behind a particular behavior or concern. It will help your reaction to be more aligned with your child’s needs, thereby nurturing his growth and development.

By understanding your own child, you become the parenting expert. It is still important to refer to others for help at times, but you will be more targeted and successful in your approach by following your child’s lead. Learn from NASA and don’t try to reinvent the pencil. The solution is right there in front of you.

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Related article:

• #1 Parenting Secret

Although I went through a phase of protesting Hallmark holidays, today I find them to be great opportunities to teach my kids about love, vulnerability, gratitude, and generosity. I know that once kids become comfortable with these emotions, it is easier for them to express them throughout the year, rather than just on one designated holiday.

Teaching Kids How to Celebrate Dad this Father’s Day:

1. Leading up to Father’s Day reflect on great things about dad.
2. Make cards and other memoribilia.
3. Help your kids write a list about “favorite things about Dad”
4. Involve them in gift buying/making as much as possible, by encouraging your kids to consider what dad would appreciate. (In our house this usually involves chocolate, beer, ice cream, and plants).
5. Prompt young children on the day of to say special things to dad.

These holidays (Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays) prove perfect opportunities for teaching kids how to show appreciation to and admiration for someone else. Kid’s don’t always know how to celebrate another person, so it’s up to us to teach this behavior.

Still looking for a last minute way to celebrate Dad? Check out Nicholas Kristof’s meaningful ideas in Dad Will Really Like This.

My Dad

For most of my childhood, I lived with my mom at least two states away from my dad. Long plane rides were the norm for me. Goodbyes were ridiculously painful. I still detest them.

Despite the physical distance, my dad has always been a strong influence in my life. He beat all odds to stay connected with me, even when it was made nearly impossible for him time and time again. But more than just connected, he’s been my rock.

Dad always believed that I was capable of greatness. He set the bar high and supported me as I strived to reach it. He listened carefully and knew when to follow my lead and when to redirect me. He showed me the kind of encouragement and faith that was otherwise foreign to me. He taught me about compassion and charity through modeling it in his everyday life.

Best of all, in him I found my kindred spirit. Happy Father’s Day, Dad!

Moments after publishing my post into the cyber world, BG’s school called. She had a slight fever and had to stay home for 24 hours. So I spent the morning that I had hoped to spend talking with a therapist instead watching my joyful daughter exuberantly swing herself across monkey bars and over climbing structures until the 24 hours had passed.

The timing turned out to be fine, though. That evening we put a surprisingly effective parenting technique into action and things have turned around here. I know you’re curious. I’ll share more about it soon, after we’ve put it through a thorough test drive.

All said, I appreciate you writing to praise my courage. It’s easy to stay courageous in our few minor setbacks. I can only hope that one day I will reflect upon my parenting as being courageous and inspiring. I’ve been in awe of the courage I have seen from fellow parent and blogger, Katie Allison Granju. (Yes, I’ve mentioned her writing here before).

Even with the tremendous duress that she has been under this past month, Katie can still weave emotion and clarity together seamlessly. Recently Katie went public about her oldest son’s struggles with drug addiction. She’d previously kept it quiet, but couldn’t any longer after an overdose (compounded by a horrific beating) put him into a coma. This horrible saga gets worse. Not only was he not able to walk with the rest of his senior class for high school graduation, but no one knows if he will walk again. Ever.

My heart goes out to this mother and writer whom I have long admired. If you are inclined to follow her story, she is posting most days at mamapundit.com. You can see pictures of her beautiful son, read about his ever changing condition, her process advocating for his needs against the insurance giants, and the occasional reminders that she is due with a baby any day now.

This is just surreal. This can’t really have happened. And it’s especially surreal to feel H’s baby sister kicking and somersaulting around in my belly while he is so still and quiet.

If you’re not inclined to follow her personal story, I think she would wish that you educate yourself on drug use in youths. She has written about regretting her not-overly-concerned attitude about his use of marijuana. We all look for our own faults in times like these. It’s natural. Although I do believe that as wide open as we keep our eyes (and ears) we can’t control everything. Sadly.

I’ve heard this is a very important book about addiction for all parents to read: Beautiful Boy.

I’ve said before how there is no such thing as a perfect parent. I’ve never met one and I am far from a perfect parent  myself. I have plenty of moments where I think, “Hmmph, if my readers could see/hear me now!”

Those moments occur far too often these days. I’ve hit a wall. It’s harder to have a fresh perspective and fresh start with BG (my oldest). I feel resentful to her for sabotaging our family’s happiness often and recently. I’m disappointed with myself for feeling so tangled up in this mess. And mostly I am sad for her and whatever she is experiencing.

So tomorrow Superdad and I will go brainstorm with a family therapist. And I have to say, I’m so excited. I used to send other parents to this particular therapist because of her instinctive knack and the constant rave reviews. I’ve also been told that she and I are like spitting images of each other when it comes to parenting. So, it feels safe and full of promise. The promise of some family peace!

And the promise of getting some traction on this slippery kid. In all of her delight and spunk, she has this one little slippery area that we can’t quite put a finger on. Just when we do, it slips out from under us again and changes form.

So, why am I telling you all of this? I’m hesitant  to air my kid’s dirty laundry online. And, it’s not really about that or her. It’s to highlight – again – that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. No one is flawless. But, in recognizing my weak spots I can be reaching for greatness.

I don’t measure my parenting aptitude by how I handle the smooth moments. I measure it by how I handle the hard ones. And lately, it’s not been great. I feel like I’m parenting on a banana peel.

I’m losing my footing, and need someone to help ground and guide me off this slippery path. And part of being a great parent is to recognize when you’ve hit a wall (or lost an objective viewpoint) and have the courage to ask for help. That’s what we’ll be doing tomorrow. Asking for some help.

Showing Our Love of the Earth All Year Long

Celebrating the seasons is one way that my family celebrates the Earth all year long. In Snowshoeing in an Avalanche I described how we tie the winter solstice celebrations into Hannukah and Christmas. We strive to do this sort of thing in the beginning of each new season. We talk about the ever-changing amounts of light and dark (or day and night).

This spring we talked about there being equal parts light and dark on the equinox. We noticed the budding leaves on the trees trees and spring flowers. The spring bunnies brought baskets for my kids on the first day of spring. We wove in conversations about how bunnies, lambs, and eggs were once a symbol of spring, but have been commercialized into symbols of Easter. By the way, eggs and lambs are also symbols of Passover.

Another way to celebrate the earth is to always be mindful of our consumption and waste. Sometimes we talk about what we choose to throw away, compost, or recycle. We also try to bring awareness to cleaning up litter. We especially like to do this when we visit the ocean. Nothing makes trash look more, well, trashy than when it is on a pristine beach.

Because my husband and I are hippies at heart, caring for Mother Earth is ingrained in us. It’s a passion, a commitment, a lifestyle. We’re mindful to educate our children around this necessity too.

Ways to Begin Acknowledging the Earth to Kids

1. Observe or study living things. Talk about the cycle of plants from seed to plant. Dig in the dirt. Find bugs. Look for animals. Listen for birds. Find their habitats.
2. Show respect for all living things. This isn’t about being a vegetarian or a gardener. It’s simply a child’s first lessons that there are other living things sharing Earth and we need to share well.
3. Hold a globe. Talk about the planet. Talk about the shape. Talk about it spinning and rotating. Show the land and the water. Introduce the importance of clean water and how the waterways connect to the oceans.
4. Discuss waste. Talk about where our trash goes. Talk about recycling and composting. Make a list of ways to reduce your waste. Recycle used goods by donating.
5. Make a family resolution. Choose something everyone in the family can do all year long to help the earth (great family meeting topic!)
6. Earth Day crafts. If you are looking for crafty ideas, I’ll link you to some creative folks. Feel free to share your favorite links in the comment section.

• • Plastic Bag Flowers
  • Earth Day Banner
  • Earth Day Crafts
  • The Recycling Box

Treat Earth Day Like a Birthday Party for the Earth

I love Earth Day. It’s like a birthday party. It’s a day to celebrate, but certainly not the only day to reflect on and pay attention to our planet. How will you celebrate Earth Day with your kids?

This question arrived recently:

I’m struggling to let go of my child and allow her to become her own person. I did the natural childbirth, breastfeeding and attachment parenting thing. Now that we’re so closely bonded, I’m finding it hard to separate. I know it’s totally natural for her to detach and separate from me but how is a parent supposed to handle it–and even encourage it?

I wonder what words of encouragement or support you can offer? Did you experience a similar challenge when your baby started gaining some independence? Any tips for how she can begin the hard process of letting go, while staying connected?

I’ll take the first turn, but look forward to hearing from others.

Dear Reader,

You are right that it is natural for your daughter to start seeking more independence. More than natural, it is critical. An independent adult is the result of a thousand baby steps along the way. And, you are the best person to support her in becoming her own, unique, beautiful person.

I’ll share this poignant quote from the book I recently reviewed, Courageous Parents Confident Kids: “An essential, painful truth of parenthood is that our ultimate job is to make ourselves “unnecessary” – at least in our immediate supervisory role.”

It’s a hard truth, but also a necessary reality to embrace. The fact is, your 18-month-old pretty much needs you for most things right now. But she is also beginning to desire some independence. Have you seen your toddler demonstrate this need?

It’s not called the terrible twos for nothing! This simple quest for independence has resulted in the whole phase being anticipated as terrible! You have seen how strong this desire for independence is if you’ve seen a child refuse to sit in a car seat, squirm on the changing table, or resist getting dressed. But, the terrible twos won’t be so terrible if you anticipate her zing and give her the tools and freedom to excel.

For example, many toddlers know how to walk very well, but prefer to be carried. Begin encouraging your daughter to walk more or climb the stairs. Ask her to walk into another room to get you something. Encourage her to take some responsibility for her belongings (glasses, dolls, stuffed animals, picking up toys, etc). Encourage her to begin to choose her own shirt or socks. These are simple ways to let your child begin asserting her independence in simple ways that will be successful.

So, you are asking the right questions. In fact, that you are asking shows what a mindful person and wonderful mother you are. Two articles come to mind that might help to answer some of your questions: #1 Parenting Secret and The Secret to Connecting with Your Kids.

Good luck with the tricky balance of letting go while staying connected.

Please take a moment to share  your thoughts below.

We talked for a bit about why she wanted to cut it and how she wanted it to look. Since she’s a very particular kid, I also warned her that it might turn out differently than she imagined. I told her my expectation: “If you cut her hair and it turns out differently than you want, you still need to love her and take care of her.”

She delighted in the activity. It was a joy to see her creative spirit flourishing. This baby doll had a serious head full of hair. She was much more extreme with the haircut than I had imagined, but as one who has shaved my own hair a few times myself, I understand the temptation.

I encourage all parents to let their kids cut a doll’s hair. Make it an acceptable and controllable activity. When your child starts asking to cut a baby’s hair, designate one doll that can have it’s hair cut.

The alternative is to say no. But then your child will think it’s a taboo activity and will hide to cut her baby’s hair anyway, at best. Or, she cuts something that you really don’t want to have cut. Plus, why not allow this sort of exploration?

Yes, it may ruin the baby doll. But, worse things have happened. And will.

For most, it’s the morning to-do list that creates the power struggle and frustration, but for some kids it’s simply hard to wake up and get going. For others, saying goodbye is a long dreaded event.

Waking up: If your child is struggling to wake up in the morning, consider an earlier bedtime. You can alleviate any hesitations around this by reminding yourself that most kids do not get enough sleep and it is negatively impacting their overall performance. In addition, you can employ a strategy that has great success for adults: an alarm clock. Choose either a sunrise alarm clock (light that gradually gets brighter to mimic the sunrise) or a regular alarm set quietly to music.

Saying goodbye:  If saying goodbye is the challenging time for your child, then talk about it at a time when you know he will be relaxed and receptive. Don’t initiate this conversation in the midst of a situation when you are trying to leave. Save it for the family meeting.

In the meeting you can clarify your needs or expectations and explain why they are important to you. Your child will appreciate hearing some details about your day. This information might help him accept why you need to leave. “I need to drive to work so that I can write on the computer” (fill in the blank).

A conversation about this should always be a two-way street. Find out what part of leaving makes him sad. Ask how you can help him not feel sad. Create a secret handshake or other way to say goodbye that feels special and authentic. The Kissing Hand is a great book for talking about this with kids.

In general, it is always advantageous to prepare your child. Preparing him for the day might include saying, “When I drop you off at daycare, I’ll take off your jacket and then give you a big hug. I’ll need to leave quickly so that I can go to work. I’ll be thinking about you all morning and will see you after lunch. Then we can read a book together.”

If your child struggles in the morning or you are having a hard time getting out the door with your nerves intact, shoot me an email and let’s brainstorm solutions.

Yes. But, first you will need to identify what’s getting in the way. Does your child have trouble waking up or saying goodbye to you? I address those issues here.

For most kids, completing the morning tasks presents many challenges. The techniques below will address some of those challenges and can remedy the situation overnight.

Begin by simplifying the list and allowing your child to take more responsibility in its completion. Understand that a majority of the struggle is probably about control. You are most likely over-controlling the routine through constant nagging and rushing. All the while, your kid is certainly craving more control over his own routine. There are some simple ways to address this part of the struggle:

1. Buy a timer.
2. Create a to-do list (with your child) for his morning routine and define a set amount of time for each activity. Let a timer be the controller. You will be surprised by how much your kid delights in this! He will suddenly feel in control of his morning. The last item on the list should be PLAY, which will encourage him to complete the other tasks. Making the list can be a fun activity too. The more you include him, the more he will take ownership and tackle the morning routine for himself .
3. Consider some other areas where you can give your child more control without compromising your own need to get out of the door on time. For example, allow your child (even a toddler) to choose his own clothes. When my 2 year old was ready to choose her own clothes, I introduced the idea by giving her a choice of two: “Do you want to wear this or this?” She quickly got the hang of how to choose all of her clothes from the seasonably appropriate piles in her drawers.
4. When you are tempted to nag and rush, stop yourself. Become aware if you are feeling stressed, or maybe you’ve developed a bad habit of nagging. Instead gently remind your child, “If you finish your list, you’ll have some time to play.” Positive reinforcement feels better for everyone involved and usually gets better results.
5. Harness opportunities for your child to experience the consequences of his choices. These opportunities are the greatest teachable moments. If after employing these techniques your child is still straggling (not getting dressed or eating breakfast), then take him to school as-is. Really. It won’t happen twice. When I was teaching preschool, I urged the parents to do the same. A few families brought their children in partially dressed with the remaining clothes in a bag. It only happened once for those children.

Get off on the right foot

With some commitment and focus to addressing the problem, you can enjoy a more harmonious morning tomorrow. And, a more harmonious morning bodes well for a more harmonious day. You and your child will be getting off on the right foot.