I’m linking you here to a most beautiful celebration of Henry from friends near and far. There in Spirit – for Henry Granju.

You can read the story as it unfolds at Granju’s website, www.mamapundit.com.

I’ll be spending this Mother’s Day in front of the computer putting the finishing touches on an awesome potty training class – if I do say so myself – that will be starting at the end of the week. To get in you’ll need to sign up right away. If you don’t have toddlers running around your house, then pass the link on to someone who does. They will thank you!

Today I’m feeling humbled by the love and appreciation my kids and husband have expressed toward me. I love that my daughter woke up (and woke her dad up and therefore me too) far too early because she was excited to make this morning really special for me. But, of course, it’s just another day. My youngest daughter spiked a fever during our fancy breakfast this morning. Superdad is taking care of her and now I am back to work.

I just wanted to take a moment and send some love your way. To all of the moms and dads who read this blog, I appreciate you and admire your interest in growing as a person and parent. We should all have a village to help raise our children and I feel so lucky to have you to share ideas and struggles with.

Here’s a great, short clip for you created by Jen Singer  over at MommaSaid.net. You can think of it as a virtual Mother’s Day gift:

Every Sunday evening we sit together to discuss . . . whatever. Whatever is up that week. Whatever is working really well. Whatever is not working. Whatever we want to see changed. Whatever. There is not a magic formula at this point, it is simply a time and space to talk and listen.

It’s an eagerly awaited event in our house each week. The kids love it. They love it in part because we have dessert on meeting nights. They love it in part because it helps them feel like integral members of our family in a way that regular discussions do not. They like having a vehicle to air grievances, make family plans, and family decisions.

Family meetings will look different for every family and every aged child. At this stage in my family (with two young children), the meeting was initially set in motion to create a well-established habit. While these meetings are mildly productive at this stage, I know there will be other phases down the road when they will feel like an absolute necessity.

Benefits of family meetings:

• keep lines of communication open
• intentional space to express discontentment in a productive way
• builds family connection and unity
• develop problem-solving skills
• builds self-esteem in children to have input in their day-to-day lives
• space to announce big family decisions
• time to discuss serious family issues, brainstorm ideas, and come up with solutions

Suggestions for conducting a family meeting:

1. It’s never to late to start, but will be easier to initiate when children are young.
2. Establish a specific time when all family members will be present.
3. Tell children that you are going to begin to hold meetings to share what is going on in everyone’s life.
4. Parents should be co-moderators in the beginning (depending on the age of children, you can designate a new leader and secretary every week).
5. Set some basic guidelines for speaking, listening, not interrupting, honesty, etc.
6. Allow everyone to have a turn to speak.
7. Keep the meetings relatively short (especially with young kids) and maintain a calm, compassionate space.
8. Create a method for covering all topics. The “go around” method works well. Go around the table to give everyone an opportunity to respond to the topic. Some families begin by complimenting each family member, then raising issues, then problem-solving. Choose a system that works best for you.

Does your family have family meetings? Do you think you might start?

If you haven’t already done so, you might want to check out a new, free e-course – A Crash Course in Mindful Parenting.

Text “Haiti” to “90999.” A $10 donation will automatically go to the Red Cross.

Donate online at www.unicefusa.org/haitiquake.

Many hospitals and medical centers were destroyed. Donate to Doctors Without Borders at www.doctorswithoutborders.org.

Haitian native Wyclef Jean organized the “Yele campaign.” Text “Yele” to 501501 to donate $5.

Please pass this information along to everyone you know!

I’d like to share two Christmas Shopping Parables:

Parable 1

Jimmy loves to play with blocks and Lego, but after seeing the ads for the $150.00 Roboraptor he pleads with his Mom to buy it. Being the ‘hot’ toy of the season, she spends two weeks searching and finally ends up driving to Buffalo. He plays with it for 20 minutes on Christmas Day. For the next year it sits on his shelf gathering dust. The next Christmas she buys him popsicle sticks and a glue gun.

Lesson: Fulfill need not want.

Parable 2

The parents of two young boys decide they will spoil them a little this Christmas. At the end of Christmas morning the two kids are almost buried in books and toys and clothes and hockey equipment. They spend the rest of the day happily sword fighting with the cardboard tubes leftover from the wrapping paper.

Lesson: Less is more.

For those of us who spend this time of year giving and receiving gifts, it takes a certain amount of self control to not let things get out of hand. Usually it is not until after all the presents have been opened, after all the money has been spent that we realize, we have gone a little bit overboard…again.

When we are out there in the stores, looking for all the perfect gifts for our kids, we forget that they will be receiving gifts from others too, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, special friends, the list is endless.

After opening too many gifts, a child feels overwhelmed and loses track of who gave what gift and who needs to be thanked.

To put things into perspective, giving a child so many new, amazing things in such a short time is comparable to a buffet of food at your favorite restaurant. You held back at breakfast and lunch to enjoy the buffet, but by the time you leave the buffet the only thing you feel is sick and sad for overindulging.

Similarly, a child on Christmas morning is really just wanting to explore and spend time with the first couple of toys that he opens, anything more than that is overwhelming. For the younger kids, think about holding gifts back to be opened on the days following Christmas.

If you are going somewhere special for the holidays – that is a gift for everyone. It’s important for kids to appreciate that the expensive holiday is the major Christmas gift this year, limit additional gifts to just one gift from Santa. Your gift to your kids is the trip. Trust me, the wonderful memories from that family holiday will be with your children forever, that is the best gift you can give them.

If you are staying home this year, when opening presents, take your time, let the morning linger.  Let your excited child open her stocking when she first gets up, but have her wait until everyone is up before the gifts under the tree get opened. Once the kids start to get over stimulated (you know they do), suggest a breakfast break for all. They spend all year waiting for this day to come, make it last long enough for everyone to really enjoy it.

For those of us in this fortunate position of being able to give too much to our kids, it is important to show some restraint for Christmas is not about getting or giving the “best present ever” it is about love, family, kindness and good spirit. Make this your “best Christmas ever” by giving the gift of less.

Roz Heintzman is the Chief Ambassador at ECHOage a charity-driven, eco-friendly, online birthday party service where children learn the value of giving and receiving while celebrating. Roz is the mother of 2 great kids and she lives in Toronto, Canada.

It wasn’t long ago that I’d breeze through December with nary a thought about the holidays. Sure, I was bombarded by Christmas noise everywhere, but this didn’t create panic or a mountainous to-do list.

This orientation survived through my twenties, but did not last long into parenthood.

Once our oldest went to school, societal pressure was on! She decided that our Solstice tree was, in fact, a Christmas tree. And this is where things began to fall apart.

For all its cheerfulness, Christmas has a smothering effect on December. The other winter holidays are nearly asphyxiated. Once upon a time, Christmas was a very simple holiday. Today, there is nothing simple about it.

I imagine the landfills salivating in anticipation of all the loot headed their way. Out with the old, in with the new.

I have attempted to create simpler, more meaningful holiday traditions, but it seems I’ve just created my own brand of craziness. It feels like driving on the wrong side of the road.  Future years with older, more clued-in kids promises to be like snowshoeing in an avalanche.

In a matter of a few weeks we have a whirlwind of celebrations. We relish in latkes and light the menorah (for all 8 nights) with our family who celebrates Hannukah.

Then we catch our breath.

We put carrots out for the reindeer, discuss the history of the very generous St. Nick, bring attention to the birthday of a great historical figure all wrapped up as Christmas, with our family who celebrates it.

Then we catch our breath.

Smooshed in between the two, we celebrate Solstice – our chosen holiday. We spend more time than usual in the woods taking care of the gnomes. We leave them special treats in hollowed-out tree roots. And, later we downplay rumors from our neighbor that gnomes don’t exist. We decorate a tree, make a solstice wreath, hike in the woods, have a candle lighting ritual, and wait for the gnomes to bring gifts.

Why all the craziness?

We hope to create new meaningful traditions that represent the history of our family while not ignoring our own values. We use this season to celebrate our family’s heritage and focus on the common threads, origins, traditions, giving, and receiving. This too has run amuck and lacks the ease and simplicity that we are craving.

One common aspect of all of the winter holidays is celebrating light. The first day of winter – the Winter Solstice – is the shortest, darkest day of the year. The light reminds us that the days will soon grow longer. Just like the evergreens inside the house remind us that green will soon return to the earth.

So later today we will pick out our Solstice tree. We will decorate the tree with lights to brighten these dark days. Later on after dusk we will light the menorah, try one of the 8 Hannukah crafts from the fabulous site Matzo Ball Soup, and celebrate the miracle of light. Then we will begin preparing for our Solstice celebration on December 21 and the impending arrival of company and gifts for Christmas.

Alas, even our best intentions can backfire. Kids are ever at the mercy of their parent’s ideology.

Having a baby changes everything. Even your politics, says the National Science Foundation. Apparently moms become more left-leaning while dads tend more to the right.

As if there weren’t enough built in to the parenting structure to illuminate our differences?

Remember those post-baby days when you swore you wouldn’t let that small bundle change your life and ways? How quickly did you disprove that?

Share a quick thought – a haiku, if you wish – on a way you have changed since becoming a parent.

Even if your job is to be at home with your kids it doesn’t mean that you will be great at it 100% of the time. Why is this so hard to remember? Why can’t I cut myself some slack here and there and remember that I am learning how to parent as I go. Bad days and hiccups are normal.
So here is my question, Village. I find myself falling into a trap with my three year old. She misbehaves, I correct the behavior, it stirs her to do more misbehaving, I get frustrated and we start this “dance” that takes us spiraling out of control. Anyone familiar with this? How do you handle these moments? Thanks.

Please share your insights in the comment section below.

You ask repeatedly if I ever make mistakes, or raise my voice, or am at a loss for an appropriate response. Yes. All of the above. Daily.

This is not my version of the bad mommy diaries. I do not believe that I am a bad mom. But I do make bad parenting choices. In fact, my best parenting moments are when I am writing articles for this blog, and in the evening when I review the trials and tribulations of the day and vow to have a better day tomorrow. 

So, how does a fallible parent like me feel inclined to write a parent education blog?

A lot of encouragement, tons of experience with kids, parents, and family dynamics, and an entrepreneurial spirit. I was a Montessori preschool teacher for nearly 10 years before choosing to stay at home with my two young daughters. Those years teaching gave me a rare window into parenting that illuminated many frequently encountered parenting struggles.  I have my own share of these and recognize this as an inevitability for all parents. 

So, let’s talk, brainstorm, and support one another through these parenting moments. No parent is alone in his or her struggle, so let’s voice the problems and help rebuild the village. 

And when in doubt or beating yourself up for being such a bad parent, remember, even the most thoughtful parents have bad parenting moments. Relieved?

Where do dads turn to brainstorm parenting struggles and celebrate parenting successes?

Do they comb websites or book stores to find answers to their daughter’s biting issues or son’s potty training regression? Or, like in our house, do they turn to the “all-knowing” mother for guidance?

I e-mailed Jeremy Smith, author of the new book, The Daddy Shift and blog, Daddy Dialectic, to ask if dads, especially those serving as primary caregivers, seek out parenting advice at the same rate as mothers serving as primary caregivers. This was his response:

It’s safe to say, no. Moms buy way more parenting books than dads, and, anecdotally, I’d say moms are way more likely to read them. This is sometimes taken as a lack of commitment to parenting, but I think it’s more accurate to say that dads can’t relate to most of the books out there. I’m an avid reader of parenting books, and I find that dad is often a marginal or even scorned figure in these books. That said, I do think it’s true that many guys have a more laid back, learn-as-you-go approach to parenting, one that makes them less likely to read obsessively. There’s wisdom in that approach, I think, because moms’ reading is often driven by anxiety and sometimes feeds anxiety. I sometimes think that moms should read less!

Parenting is the most challenging job, for which there is no training. Our instinct, intuition, and the best intentions often don’t nurture the child’s basic needs, let alone effectively address parenting calamities.

Imagine if you went to a surgeon who said, ” I don’t really know anything about surgery, but I love my patients and I want them to be happy.” It’s a similar vein with what so many parents say about parenting.

Parents, like surgeons, need to understand our job-at-hand. We definitely have some instinct toward parenting and gain wisdom through experience, but much of parenting is not instinctive or intuitive. Some moms get this. It seems that fewer dads do.

Why?

Is it because fathers often feel marginalized within their families? Once kids enter the picture, dads are often no longer the center of the family dynamic, but pushed out on the fringes.

Parents can work together to avoid this dynamic, but it means the dad has to own his responsibility of parenting, rather than hoping someone else will do the “dirty work”. And, mom needs to encourage his participation without micromanaging the details.

Do you share this perspective?

I’d love to hear from you, dads, what your process is with parenting (help, moms, by forwarding this post along to 3 dads that you know). How do you gather information to help steer your decisions?