What does positive parenting mean to you? Do you see it as your own enjoyment of parenting or more about nurturing the positive traits in your children?

Often the two go hand in hand. When we feel good about our moment-to-moment parenting choices, our kids are likely to feel good too. But when our kids are running on empty (lacking physical or emotional fuel), then parenting gets more difficult. It’s in these difficult parenting moments that our responses are the most tenuous.

Being able to anticipate and recognize these moments is what mindful parenting is all about. Mindful parenting makes parenting more fun and fulfilling and less of a burden or mystery. Mindful parenting includes positive parenting.

Mindful, positive parenting allows you to be able to say YES to your child more often without giving in, while also bringing out the behavior you want. (You can find specific tips for becoming a more mindful parent here.)

2 Tips to Keep it Positive

#1: Saying Yes instead of No

Consider this scenario: You are tucking your toddler into bed for the night. Like most toddlers, she would rather stay awake with you than end the day and face the discomfort of separation. She hugs you and pleads, “I want to be with you.”

You could respond:

“No honey, it is time for bed.”

or simply try to find a way to say yes

“Okay, when you wake up we’ll snuggle and read a book together.” (*positive parenting response)

If you are parenting mindfully, it’s easier to keep your bearings. You know that your toddler just wants to be with you. You can acknowledge her so that she feels heard and understood, but not “give in” to an extended bedtime.

#2 Positive Reinforcement

You are preparing dinner and your children are finally playing quietly in the next room for the first time in ages.

You could:

1. Continue cooking without interruption and enjoy the quiet. Maybe you’ll even have an extra moment to brag about it on Facebook.

or

2. You could step away from the kitchen for a moment to acknowledge and reinforce this desirable behavior, “You guys are doing a nice job playing together.”

It’s a well known fact that angry people make noise and happy people remain silent. We see it in parenting. We see it in politics.

When our kids are behaving well (playing nicely with siblings or friends, willingly completing homework, getting ready for school on time) it’s easy to remain quiet. To say nothing. Yet the moment there is a problem, we are quick to speak up.

But that means that kids predictably get our attention when they do something negative. So what do you think they’ll choose next time they really want some connection/attention from you? They’ll choose the surest form – negative attention.

We know that it doesn’t matter whether it’s negative or positive attention, if kids want it they will take it in whatever form you dish it out. So, start dishing out positive attention (especially if it is unexpected and/or in front of other people) and see your child’s behavior shifts. Enjoy the benefits of positive parenting.

Bonus tip: Praise requires a little mindfulness too or else it can backfire. You can read more to learn how to effectively praise your child.

When you are feeling a little worn out this evening, remind yourself of the two tips for keeping it positive. You’ll enjoy a smoother evening! And feel better about yourself too.

I was happy to read this recent comment posted on another site:

“I also, personally, wouldn’t resort to stickers from the start… the reward of wearing cool undies and being dry and not wearing diapers should be incentive enough! Save the stickers as a fall-back in case things really are still not going well after a couple weeks or so and she needs ‘extra’ motivation.”

What are your thoughts?

To read more on this subject, check out:

The authors offer an important chapter on praise, which I highly recommend. They provide many more details, exercises, and examples than I can provide here, but I do want to highlight some critical points from their chapter.

Helpful praise describes achievement and it develops in two parts:

1. adult describes with appreciation what he sees or feels, so that
2. the child, after hearing the description, is able to praise himself

For example, when my daughter brings her dishes to the sink after a meal, I describe what I see, “You brought all of your dishes into the kitchen and put them right by the sink. That really helps me to clean up!”  She can now internalize that description and affirm herself: “I’m a good helper!”

Descriptive praise sticks and makes a strong impact. It helps children learn their strengths and is deposited into their “emotional bank”. You can undo the “your a good helper” compliment by complaining about lack of help the next day, but you can’t undo a positive description, such as helping mom by bringing the dishes to the sink.

This style of praise often motivates children to be more cooperative and to work harder than before. Do no take lightly the impact of our statements. Children depend on their parents to tell them who they are and what they are capable of becoming.

Kelly Corrigan says this matter of factly in The Middle Place (fabulous book, by the way). “He [Dad] told me once that I was a great talker. And so I was. I was a conversationalist . . . He defined me first, as parents do.”

Tread lightly and offer appreciative descriptions, even at times when you could otherwise criticize. Practice descriptive praise and take notice of the results.

Did you know that praise is like a drug? That’s right, kids develop an actual chemical need for praise.

Parental cheerleading, when overused and overblown, can be an obstacle toward developing independence and may cause undue anxiety in some cases. Furthermore, it may lead to the expectation of an audience for even normal accomplishments.

Praise that is too general leaves the child wondering what it is that is being praised, and the child who is rarely praised is left to his own understanding of what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior. The child inevitably seeks attention, and therefore, will most likely choose whatever he knows will get him that attention, whether it be positive or negative.

Where is the happy medium?

The more specifically targeted the praise and in proportion to what was done, the more meaningful it will be to the child. For example, “You put the blocks away and now your friends will know where to find them. Good job!” I’ve turned to some experts to expand on this idea, which I have highlighted below:

Dr. Kazdin, author, psychology professor, and Director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic, emphasizes the quality of the praise. He notes that praise does not necessarily need to be verbal. It can be a hug, kiss, or simply some undivided attention.

Similarly, in Montessori from the Start, the authors site, “ …you can share his pleasure in that achievement with a warm smile. Such a low-key response indicates that you are happy for your child because you know that he is happy … Our goal is to help children appreciate that they are unique human beings and special to us.”

What is your tendency toward praise? Is there anything that you can do to make it more effective? I look forward to hearing how this resonates with you and your family.

Read more on praise