Irregardless of whether your kids are in an adoring or detesting phase, here are some general tips that cannot be overemphasized when raising siblings:

Never compare. Celebrate their unique qualities. When you are tempted to compare children, stop yourself. Whatever needs to be said to one can be said without mentioning the other. Describe the behavior or experience without comparison to another child.

Strive for unique, not equal. Siblings often want things to be equal, but it’s a losing battle. Focus on the individual needs instead. For example, if your child wants two more strawberries because her sister had two extra, then simply ask, “Oh, are you still hungry?”

Never pigeon hole kids or lock them into roles. Give them freedom to change. Each time we characterize one kid as the shy one or the talkative one or the one who is always afraid of dogs, then we are pigeonholing that child. Children readily absorb these descriptions and they become defining moments for them.

Spend time with each child separately. One-on-one time is critical for staying connected. A different dynamic and level of connection happens between groups when more people are added. The same is true with family dynamics. The same way you may crave alone time with your partner or spouse to reconnect, your kids crave that special connection time with you too.

Hurtful actions need to be stopped. Intervening is necessary at times. Most experts suggest that violent situations must be stopped. Above all else, your children need to feel safe and secure with you. Young children should be helped through conflict resolution because they most likely do not have the skills to successfully manage the conflict themselves. Children 8-10 years or older who have good conflict management skills can be left alone to sort things through with siblings.

Acknowledge feelings. Siblings need to have their feelings about one another acknowledged. Not dismissed. If your child says, “He is so mean!” You can say, “You sound really upset.” Resist the urge to turn this into a teachable moment with, “He really isn’t mean”.

Model healthy anger management. Demonstrate conflict resolution and negotiation skills. Teach your children how to express disappointment, frustration, or sadness in a healthy and productive manner. If there are times when you can help your kids to compromise without violating an important rule or family value, then model this for your children too.

Sibling rivalry/conflicts will occur from time to time, but if you follow the 7 tips, your kids will benefit from these negotiations.

Before you click away to read the other posts or to share this one with a friend, take a moment and share your thoughts. Describe the relationship between your kids.

If you like a more in-depth look at sibling rivalry, I recommend two excellent books on the subject: Siblings Without Rivalry and Beyond Sibling Rivalry.

Related posts:

• The Hidden Benefits of Sibling Rivalry
• Friend or Foe?
• Curb Your Child’s Anger

First let’s swap out the word rivalry for conflicts. Rivalry implies that this strain in sibling dynamics is about one another (the rival). Sometimes this is the case, but more often the stressors are from outside environments (parents, school or friends). These stressors add fuel to a naturally intertwined relationship and conflicts arise.

My family has had our fair share of these conflicts in the past year, and I find some comfort in the theory behind sibling conflicts. Hope you will too:

• Sibling conflict is natural. Fighting is normal among all creatures who live together.
• Turn the conflict into a positive life lesson. There is no way to eliminate it, but there are good ways and not such good ways to deal with it. Conflicts can be weakened and children can learn very positive lessons depending on our management approach.
• Teach life skills. Conflicts gives ample practice in negotiation skills and conflict resolution.
• Conflicts can beckon a more closely-knit relationship. Kids who are always interested in or entangled with one another (whether violent or loving) show more promise of being close throughout life than those who are disinterested and ignore one another.
• Don’t pigeon hole your children. Siblings’ relationship with one another changes depending on stages of development and their evolving needs. Be aware not to pigeon hole or define your children based on these rough patches.
• Understand your kids’ temperaments. This single act is critical in all aspects of good parenting, including respectfully handling sibling relationships. Your kids’ individual temperaments will play a large role in how well they get along together.

(To learn more about your child’s unique temperament, join the Crash Course in Mindful Parenting).

Like a lot of parents, how I cope with my kids bickering depends on the day. When my kiddos really get going, I feel like this is never going to end. It’s like I’ve been sentenced to my family’s version of water boarding.

The best thing I can do for myself and my kids is to take care of myself. If I’m on top of my game, I have a larger pool of resources to draw from. When my tank is empty, I am more reactive rather than mindful. It takes mindfulness, for sure, to turn these conflicts into learning opportunities.

Check out 7 Tips to Minimize Sibling Rivalry to effectively address these issues at home.

Sibling rivalry has been a predominant theme in our house for the past two months year. It has been ugly and intense and so perfectly natural (right??).

I’m crossing my toes here as I write this for fear of jinxing it . . .

. . .but, it appears that we are out of the thick of it. For now.

I am going to take a few days to catch my breath and celebrate the new found friendship in our house. But then I’ll be back to write about our experience and offer some insights.

* I take issue with the word, “rivalry”. I do not think it captures the full range of emotions and motives of the dynamic.

Do you have a sibling? What do you remember about your dynamics? Are you raising siblings? What’s it like for you?

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Related posts:

• The Hidden Benefits of Sibling Rivalry
• 7 Tips to Minimize Sibling Rivalry