Child Perspective » sleep

Quiet Night, Happy Night

Emily — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 16:55:22 +0000

I often receive questions from parents about their child’s particular sleep issues. Many of the struggles have been addressed in the series, Quiet Night, Happy Night.

As with all aspects of parenting, these struggles require us to understand our child and adapt things accordingly. We can change the layout of a room. Remove the television (what? kids have TVs in their rooms?!). We can change the lighting or add a noise machine. But, more often than not, we actually need to do more. We have to change our approach and maybe even our perspective.

In the new book, Nurture Shock, authors Bronson and Merryman highlight the overlooked, understudied significance of sleep – especially with young growing minds. They notice that today, school aged children sleep one hour less every night than they did 30 years ago.

You might wonder what is the big deal about one hour? Well, researchers have discovered that the performance gap in children lacking that one hour of sleep is huge. It’s the equivalent of two years of cognitive maturation and development. These sleepy 6th graders were performing like 4th graders!

In addition to performance, chronic sleep deprivation has also been linked to obesity, ADHD, and common tween and teen behavior: moodiness, binge eating, and depression.

Sleep guidelines from the National Sleep Foundation:

Infants need between 12-18 hours each day. This begins as an irregular schedule and eventually becomes more structured with a longer nighttime sleep and a couple of naps.
Kids ages 1-3 years need 12-14 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period.
Kids ages 3-5 years require 11-13 hours each day.
Kids ages 5-12 need 10-11 hours.
Teenagers still require more than adults, averaging 8.5-9.5 hours each night.

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

Unwind for bedtime

Emily — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 15:09:36 +0000

Help your children relax limb by limb. You can create a fun, playful game that teaches your children the important skills of body awareness and how to relax one’s own body. This is important body control and may prove handy for a long time.

Begin by encouraging your child, who is already in bed, to take deep breaths.

“Imagine your lungs are balloons and you are blowing them up.”

After a few deep breaths, encourage your child to make her body relax and go limp like cooked spaghetti.

“I’m going to check your arm by wiggling it to see if it is like a cooked noodle.”

Once your child is somewhat relaxed, you can draw her attention to different parts of her body and encourage her to relax those parts.

Some children might enjoy imagining fairy dust sprinkling down on each of these parts, relaxing their head . . . and neck . . . and shoulders, all the way down to their toes. Other kids might relate more toward sending their breath to those parts.

For the very young, gently place a heavy hand on each named part so that the child understands where to direct the attention. The heavy weight of a limp hand is soothing. Speak softly and slowly and take the time to nurture them with loving words about their ears that listen so well or their arms that give such good hugs, etc.

Create opportunities to teach your child these important self-care techniques.

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the ten part series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

Nighttime fears

Emily — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 13:20:59 +0000

Kids have fears. Some kids have many and others not so much. Regardless, the dark, quiet, solitude of night can bring up fears for even the most settled.

Whether your kids cry-it-out or get snuggled endlessly during those dark hours, nighttime fears require a different approach. Fears are not rationale and therefore cannot be ignored or reasoned away.

Rather, plenty of positive nighttime experiences will go a long way toward alleviating those fears. I’ll explain how to create those in a minute.

First I want to encourage you, if you have a child who struggles around sleep, to work really, really hard and consider your child’s perspective. Yes, I’ve said it again – child’s perspective. Truly understanding your child is the foundation to a good parent-child relationship. You can read more about understanding your child’s perspective here.

Back to creating those positive nighttime experiences.

Is your child’s resistance to falling asleep for fear of the dark? Or, is he waking scared during the night?

Rather than trying to console your child in the same space where he is feeling uneasy, pick him up or take his hand and walk quietly through the dark house. Make this a peaceful, relaxing event. Not one where you are frustrated that this is happening. Remember, he reads your cues. You are trying to calm your child.

When my own daughter has awoken with fear during the night, I have carried her around the house speaking in a soft, reassuring, sleepy time voice. This might be hard to imagine, but it has really helped my kids! They feel understood and respected, which is reassuring when fear creeps in.

I describe familiar things: “There is the bathroom, your hoppity horse, our dog, the kitchen. And look out the window, there is Sam’s house. Everything is just the same except the sun is sleeping” [or on the other side of Earth or whatever age appropriate language you choose]. This has helped both of my girls put their fears of the dark to rest. Fear is not rationale, but can be eased by positive experiences.

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the ten part series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

Bedtime Breathing

Emily — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:08:40 +0000

Here is a fun exercise that your kids will love! You might too.

Bedtime Breathing

by the Sleep Fairy

Teach your child the value of controlled, slow breathing. It’s an easy relaxation technique they’ll be able to use on their own.

Breathe slowly and deeply, in… and out…

Breathe in calm and happy, breathe out worries.

Breathe in warm sunshine, breathe out stale air.

Make up your own:

Breathe in Grandma love, breathe out grand-daughter love.

Breathe in wild flowers, breathe out lazy rainy days.

Breathing out doesn’t always have to be the negative, we are filled with all sorts of positive things to release into the world!

Let your mind wander, you are on your way to dreamland anyway so go ahead and free associate. And breathe, breathe, breathe…

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

Calm Yourself to Calm Your Kids

Emily — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 21:52:33 +0000

Ever wonder why your kids seem to flip out on days that are already stressful? It can feel spiteful. Like they are out to get you.

But in those glorious moments of sanity, we know that’s not the case. It has more to do with science and child development than spite.

You see, every child is highly attuned to her parent’s mood and energy, beginning before birth. Before the autonomic nervous system has developed, the baby looks to her primary caregiver for cues on her emotional state (arousal, recuperation, fight or flight, etc). This is a biological instinct that allows the child to develop a unique bond with her parents. This bond continues to develop as the relationship evolves, leaving children deeply tuned in to our energy and moods.

So, when a reader recently described this very thing, I was delighted.

One thing that helped me when I used to snuggle with my son to help him to go to sleep was breathing as if I were sleeping, a bit exaggerated, slow and deep.

Yes! That’s another example of how children’s autonomic nervous system is still developing.

This slow, deep breathing is a favorite stand-by in our house too. It’s super effective! Especially compared to the nights when I would anxiously count down the minutes til they fell asleep with the long to-do list scrolling in my mind. My kids seemed to stay awake longer!

In fact, I would have the opposite result when I completely relaxed my mind and body. The process of relaxing myself simultaneously soothed whichever child I was snuggling.They would also fall into a deep, relaxed place where they quickly drifted off to sleep.

Try it out. Bedtime might turn enjoyable again. Let us know.

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

Is Separation Anxiety Causing Unrest?

Emily — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:33:08 +0000

Separation anxiety is relatively predictable and recognizable in young ones but can catch you by surprise in older children. Young or old, it can cause great unrest during the night, whether it is putting your child to sleep or middle of the night waking.

A little about separation anxiety:

New fears and concerns set in once your infant turns 6 months old. Separation anxiety often begins then and might intensify a bit later between 12-18 months. Anxiety peaks in young children coincide with the child’s newfound locomotor independence (crawling or walking). The anxiety is a built-in safety feature ensuring that your child doesn’t just head for the hills.

Is this anxiety creating resistance to falling asleep and leaving you (or you leaving)? Some children will try anything to stay awake and prolong their day with you. For these instances, you have two good options. Try them out and do what works best for you and your child.

Stay present in the room until he falls asleep. Stay calm yet disengaged. You might pretend to sleep if you are snuggling on the bed. If you have a headlamp (found at outdoor recreation stores) or a separate chair, quietly read a book.
Or, leave the room a little before your child falls asleep, under the guise of needing to do something and with the promise of returning soon. He is likely to fall asleep before you return. If not, sit away from the bed for a few minutes before needing to leave again. Slowly, your child will begin to trust that you will return and he will fall asleep instead of waiting.

In addition, try kissing bedtime snuggly objects a bunch in front of your child and explain the kisses will be there all night. Or, put a picture of you or other relative nearby. And/or, play a white noise machine. They do wonders for lulling kids into deep sleep and keeping them there.

What has worked for you and your family? Drop me a line with your current dilemma or solution.

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the ten part series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

Sleeping Around

Emily — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 15:18:17 +0000

I stumbled upon a video today on Juice Box Jungle that relates to the current bedtime series: Quiet Night, Happy Night.

Take 2 minutes to check it out and then come back to write your comments. Your reactions will help guide the rest of the series. I will be addressing separation anxiety, nighttime fears, nutrition, relaxation, and important books pertaining to sleep issues.

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

Lowering the Child’s Bedroom

Emily — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 13:39:36 +0000

When adjusting your child’s sleep habits, don’t forget to consider the bedroom. Spend some time sitting in your child’s room and looking at it through the child’s perspective. Apply these general questions to the bedroom:

Is the space simple, clean, and beautiful?
Is it peaceful and serene or busy and stimulating?
Does your child enjoy being in her room during the normal activities of the day?
Are items (books, toys, clothing) thoughtfully organized for the child?
Can your child complete age appropriate tasks independently? Bedroom tasks might include: dressing, putting away clothes, making bed, putting dirty clothes in a laundry hamper?
Can your child access age appropriate activities independently?

These questions will shed light on whether her bedroom really feels like her bedroom. The first step to your child feeling comfortable in the space is developing a sense of ownership and control. Your little one loves to have control. Give it to her in the appropriate times and you will battle less. Guaranteed!

Making the bedroom her bedroom:

Encourage your child’s comfort and independence in her room during the daytime.
Provide easy access to the essentials (bed, clothes, books, toys)
Invite her participation in creating a desirable space.
Play music and have a dance party in there.
Create happy memories in the bedroom (fun and relaxing).

Let’s look at the specifics:

Bed

Can your child get in and out of bed independently? Consider placing a small futon or mattress on the floor, even for a baby. It will be just the right height for your child to get in and out of independently when she is old enough to move around. This is true for all furniture, try to offer something child-size. Once you have made the bedroom safe, it is more interesting to move about it freely rather than be confined to a crib. (Note: Our babies slept in co-sleepers and then mattresses next to our bed until the early stages of potty-training were complete, then we moved the mattress into their room. It was a smooth and natural transition.)

Walls

Hang a mirror at eye level for your toddling child or just above the mattress for your infant’s pleasure. Children love to look at themselves and this is age-appropriate and healthy! They are able to learn so many things, including simply being “ready” to go (clean face, combed hair). If your toddler or older child can check her own face and hair, it removes you from a possible battle. Just encourage her to look carefully in the mirror to see if she is ready to go. Another step toward independence.

Do you have beautiful art hanging in your child’s room? Take advantage of the young child’s extreme sensitivity and expose her to beautiful art (focus on art with other children, animals, or nature and avoid popular media images). Hang these at eye-level, to help strengthen her sense of belonging and inclusion.

What else can you do to create a comfortable sleeping environment for your child?

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

Is “Goodnight” Still Taking All Night?

Emily — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:06:14 +0000

After shocking some of you recently with my suggestion to set limits and be consistent – okay, maybe it was the notion of your sweet kid sleeping on the bathroom floor (GASP!) that ruffled your feathers – I realized it was time for a series. A bedtime series.

You will want to follow this conversation, because it will review many aspects of sleep, including: the child-friendly bedroom, separation anxiety, fear, and relaxation. In the meantime, I urge you to share your nighty-night tales of woe or glee by comment or email today.

And, as referenced in the previous post, remember to set reasonable, natural consequences and be consistent. Also remember to let things go more often than not. I read recently that kids are like water in a hose. Where they notice a weakness, they will overwhelm or deluge it. Choose your battles wisely, and hold strong to the ones you choose. It’s in your child’s best interest.

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

The Never Ending Goodnight

Emily — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:03:40 +0000

Sleep issues can be one of the most disheartening among normal developmental “stuff”. Kids often experience some sort of sleep disruption during the course of their development, especially infants and toddlers. Unfortunately, parents bear the brunt of these disruptions.

We’ve been through a few hum-dingers here, especially when our youngest moved out of our room and began sharing a room with her sister. But after creating a plan, setting some limits, and being consistent, we have come out on the other side grinning (even when any hope for change or a reasonable solution seemed grim, at best).

So, when I received this question from a dad recently, I could totally relate. Here it goes:

Our 3yr old and 1yr old share a bedroom We usually put the 1yr old down, easily. The 3yr old requires a more extended bedtime routine, with 2 story books and then sneak to bed, and more bedside time and story, trying not to wake the 1yr old.

When it comes time to leave, the oldest son acts up, yelling “Don’t leave” and makes all sorts of excuses, like, I need to pee, or poop – and he squeezes something out.

It is disruptive because it takes an unusually long time (2hrs) to get him settled, and he sometimes wakes his younger brother.

Children of this age (3-yr-old) resist bedtime for many reasons:

most often they just want to continue exploring and are simply not yet ready for the day to end
they do not want to dis-connect from parents (emotionally and physically)
they may be becoming fearful about shadows, noises, etc.

While an older toddler may not be able to recognize and verbalize the first two, he can express fear. Fear is a real response that is often not rational and therefore cannot be reasoned away, but with enough encouragement and straightforwardness, can be minimized. Consider your child’s perspective and imagine how to best support his needs.

If, on the other hand, you think your child is just playing that familiar bedtime game because he does not want to go to sleep or separate from you, then it is time to make a plan, tell it to him clearly, and stick with it. The way you approach this and explain it to your child is the most critical step. It will make or break the deal.

Example: “Since your bedtime has not been going very well and you have been getting upset, we’d like to talk about and create a new bedtime routine with you. This is what we think it should be. (describe it) Does that sound good to you?When we say ‘goodnight’, we’ll only say it once. When we close the door, it is quiet time. If you talk or fuss, you will have to sleep on the bathroom floor. We want to try it tonight and we know you will do great! Make good decisions so that we can read 2 books and you can sleep in your bed tonight.”

Some tips:

Set a book limit – and stick to it!
Create a routine – and stick to it! (ex: PJs, brush teeth, goodnight to sibling, 1 book while sitting on the potty, sneak to bed, snuggle, last book, hug, kiss, and good night)
Set limits and be consistent – if he fights the routine, then you immediately abort the routine and say goodnight. If he is crying loudly and disrupting a sleeping sibling, then he gets an uncomfortable consequence, such as: he sleeps on the bathroom floor. This will only happen once, if you follow through.
Praise the good. When he does the goodnight routine well, then you acknowledge it right away and continue to praise the next day. Before the next bed time, clearly remind him of his successes and request the same behavior for this night.
Give less attention for the negative and more for the positive – and stick to it!

What other suggestions do you have for this dad or any parent currently in the blur of sleep issues?

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the series Quiet Night, Happy Night: