A recent post titled, , has had a storm of viewings and comments. Some of the comments have been at Child Perspective, some on my personal Facebook page, and some on TwitterMoms.
Since readers here at Child Perspective may have missed the other comments, I wanted to humor you a little and ask for your thoughts.
Did I get it wrong?
A rash of negative comments appeared at . I’ll share one with you just because it is too good to keep to myself. As you read this remember that this mother is judging my moral standing. I can’t help but chuckle, since her response is so combative.
I feeel like at this point if you don’t at least take her to donate one thing to charity after this experience, YOU ARE NOT DOING YOUR JOB! After alll, our children, are only a product of their enviorment; the first five years! What are you already teaching your child to have her react in such a manner is the real question you should ask yourself. You are your daughters number one teacher at this point in her life. You should ask yourself how you treat her father. Do you treat him like he never reaches the finish line? That could be your problem right their, or does she even have a father? I just really don’t get how parents act like the behavior of a toddler is a problem. What are you teaching the toddler is the problem.The most impressional age of children is 2-5. You said she’s 3. so what the f*ck is your problem? You buy her stuff, that’s great! THE REAL QUESTION IS…. Can you tend to her emotional needs? She is obviously beging you for attention., but perceive it how you wish. Like everything else, put your own twist on it. Whats crazy is a 3 year old is more intellagent then you!
The other comment that I would like to share with you is from a reader named Laura. What Laura said made me stop and think. Her tone is combative, but at least she had a thoughtful response.
I’m disgusted that you would even teach a child that “thank you, but I don’t want this” is acceptable. How can you advocate that? How can you really teach a child to live in this world and be respectful of others and their feelings when you advocate this? If my child had thrown gifts across the room, that would have been the end of it. Teaching all about being disappointed is one thing, but allowing this kind of behavior is a complete other, and then foisting the guilty and confused feelings on the grandparent? That’s disgusting. How dare you advocate this. Normally, I’m a to each his/her own parenting person, but there are certain things that are universal, and I know if my child were to thoughtfully pick out something a friend wanted and then get the response you advocate, he would be beyond heartbroken. The sad thing is that it’s ok with you.
We have taught our son that if it’s something he doesn’t like, he says “thank you” to the gift giver and then talks to us in private when we return home and the gift giver is not around. Then, we decide what to do. We would NEVER, EVER allow what you allow in front of a gift giver.I really feel in my heart of hearts, you’ve got it wrong here, and it’s enough for me to never come here to visit again.
Although I am tempted to write a defense about the inaccuracies and wrongful assumptions in these comments, I think it might be more helpful to highlight the short-sighted parenting choice that I made.
I completely agree with Laura’s example about how it could play out in the future with birthday parties, etc. “Thank you, but I don’t want this” would be totally inappropriate in most situations and would break any child’s heart. This was probably short-sighted on my part.
But there’s something about just saying “Thank you” to umpteen unwanted gifts from her parents, grandma and magical gift givers that seems deceitful and wasteful. Since we donate toys regularly throughout the year, I think returning (not exchanging – returning!) the gifts sends a much stronger message to my daughter and is more likely to curb her initial inappropriate behavior (going berserk).
What do you think?
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I would say that while I completely understand your motives, that probably isn’t the best way to have your child to handle an unwanted item. As the child gets older, and starts having more interactions with non-grandparent, non-immediate family types, they need to learn discretion in dealing with these situations. (I know, discretion at this age!!). But I would think that the two approaches I would take with my son are :
1. Non-gift giving time discussion with Grandma & Grandpa about my expectations of gifts (and my son’s).
2. Have my son say “Thank you”, and then deal with gifts appropriately later.
Yes, I tend to agree more with Laura, that “Thanks but I don’t want this” doesn’t feel like quite the right approach.
Wow – I am so fascinated by this controversy. I was really struck by your initial post, but apparently for very different reasons. True enough, the “thank you, but I don’t want this” response didn’t really sit right with me, but that wasn’t the focus for me at all. Instead, I even talked with my husband later about how your string of parent responses really resonated with me, and I was very impressed at how you were able to switch the focus from blaming your child (something I could so see myself doing in the same circumstances) to being able to see it from her perspective, and validate her experience.
I think I, too, would handle the next step slightly differently, but I think the important part is not that (every family should handle the specifics as they see fit/ do what works for them), but rather how you should be commended for reigning in your own ‘parent perspective’ (horror, anger, embarassment..) for the sake of your child. It was a good lesson for me.
Sadez,
I think you nailed the crux of the challenge for me and exactly what prompted me to write the post. Yes, of course, sitting at my computer with distance from the moment I can think of a number of different responses as well. Yet, in the moment I needed to respond and I knew that my first response – to be angry with her – was not the one that I wanted to react with.
The conversation is not over. In fact, my daughter was writing her thank you card to her grandma tonight and wanted to apologize for her behavior. So, she is still processing those feelings and taking responsibility for her behavior. I am glad she doesn’t feel silenced by my response.
That’s what it is all about, after all. Teaching our children through helping them understand themselves.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment Sadez.
That first comment sounds rambling and incoherent in parts, (and SO angry!) Mama maybe drinkin’ a bit too much whiskey and on the Internet? I don’t know- its hard to even understand what her point was.
Number two, also extreme. BUT at least makes a point.
I don’t know that you got it “wrong.” You’re allowed to experiment by trial and error! It left me a lot to contemplate after I read that post however, and it left me disagreeing with you on one point, which is that I would not feel comfortable having my child tell her grandparent she did not want or appreciate the gifts. I struggle with this, though, because then am I teaching her to “lie”, to pretend in front of others, etc.? I think what it would boil down to , for me, (an inherent people pleaser, something that is NOT always good) is telling her that it would hurt people’s feelings to do that, so we say thank you very much when we get the gift, and if she does not want to keep it, that it is something she talks about with Mom or Dad and we can decide what to do with it then, (such as give it away , return it, or whatever). I don’t like all the junky gifts, either, but there is also a lesson to teach empathy here. (how the gift giver feels).
That is my two cents. You are awesome at what you do and I think both comments are over the top.
The internet is a dangerous place, isn’t it? It is so easy to take things out of context and rant and rave without any real consequences. The obvious irony being that these commenters are freaking out over someone’s calm response to a child freaking out. Oh well. I think all of us should remember that there are many ways to parent and only the extremes are “wrong”.
As to the question of whether you got it wrong, my thoughts are that there is a complicated balance here: teaching a child to properly deal with disappointment, teaching a child to be grateful for gifts given out of thoughtfulness and love, and, finally, not ruining a holiday with a fight. When my child acts ungrateful I try and react calmly – but I do not always succeed. Often what I do is ask my child whether we need to have a talk, meaning that she is acting badly and should change her behavior. If she cannot get it under control then I separate her from the situation until she can correct her behavior. Distraction is a good tool there.
When I first started reading this I did a double take, thinking is this a joke?! Amazing what people can get so completely riled up about… without context, without knowing your child and her unique sparky blend of lovlieness and opinions(as I count myself so fortunate to know!) Knowing the child you are talking about I can see how she would respond this way in her frustration, and can see how your response was the one that would work for her, honor her experience and give her tools for future gift giving times.
I think however parents choose to handle this issue respecting the child’s feelings, and channeling a response that does not shame the child is absolute key. For some kids it is So Easy to shame them without that being the intention. I was one of those very sensitive kids who would have felt very shamed by some of the suggestions from the posters on twitter moms to this topic.
Hi Emily.
Your post reminds me of the contrast in parenting styles from developmental psych. Instead of the authoritarian approach, you took the authoritative one, which is more democratic. As a non-parent, I found your reaction reasonable and fair. The authoritarians are convinced they are losing the country, so they have taken to the internet to spout their ideology. Ignore them. You did nothing wrong.
I think that “thank you” is always correct, even if we don’t want or need the gift. later in private I can say, ‘This is too much; I have more than I need; these gifts are mine to do with as I will, and I will pass some of them on.” i think “Thank you” is the right response to any gift, as well as the follow-up of receiving with joy and grace. We must teach our children how to receive as well as how to give.
In thinking more about this as I read comments and responses I would say that teaching a child to understand the intentions of the giver might be the most important lesson here. As one comment suggested the “no thank you” response might indeed wreak havoc with feelings at a birthday party. A five-year-old is mature enough to grasp a certain amount of empathy. Perhaps when feelings are calm, reverse role playing might help her to sense the hurt her rejecting behavior might produce in the gift giver. Then the question of how to deal more acceptably with her own feelings of disappointment can become a mutual project, with the parent leading the child to find the best possibility for all concerned. Lively discussion of an important topic, in any case!
My child isn’t old enough to have encountered this before, but I always try to keep in mind “well, what is the appropriate behavior in an adult?” My job, ultimately, is to get her to be a competent, independent, well-adjusted adult. The appropriate adult response to a gift is “Thank you. It was so nice of you to think of me.” An adult saying “Thanks but I don’t want this” would be considered rude so I wouldn’t want my child to do that either.
It might be a product of my Southern upbringing, but I think part of life is knowing when to be totally honest and when to use the white lies for the sake of being gracious.
Well put.
These posts really got me in. I’ve read right through, mulling things over all the way. I totally admire you for putting yourself in your 3 yr olds shoes. I try to do it with my 4 yr old as much as possible and have always worked with children in this way. I was aghast at some of the vicious comments to you, but once again, you came through admirably in the way you responded.
When receiving gifts I would not teach Charlotte to say ‘Thankyou, but I don’t want this’. I prefer the idea of ‘Thankyou’ with nothing else added and then discussing things in private later on and I like the idea of giving unwanted gifts away especially to a charity shop. We do a good deal of secondhand shopping and it is a bit of a passion of mine. Charlotte is fine about it, too.
Actually, my struggle is getting Charlotte to say ‘Thankyou’ at all only because She is painfully shy until She knows a person. She asks me to say it for her, so I have taken to saying it WITH her after the count of 3 for example. We’re working on things there
Continue with your empathic responses to your daughter. I believe it will pay off in the long run as difficult as it can sometimes be. I think I would be very different today if my Mum whom I love very much, was able to show as much empathy when I was a kid.
Thanks for your encouraging words, Christine.
I love reading other stories of parent’s understanding their child’s perspective, or putting themselves in their child’s shoes as you say. It is hard work and I commend you for doing that with your daughter as you help her to become more comfortable with unfamiliar people.
My kids are fairly shy with new people too. It can be challenging when meeting new folks, because they often don’t want to introduce themselves or shake hands with a stranger. I started asking them to at least make eye contact and smile. It is still showing connection and recognition, but in a safe way.
Thanks for sharing!
I certainly haven’t mastered things. It’s a work in progress
Charlotte relayed a scenario recently about hand shaking. She said that this man that we had both just met, put his hand out to shake hers when I wasn’t there (it was still a safe atmosphere) and she said “I don’t do that”. Being shy, I was thrilled that She had spoken up for herself which is something I have been ‘drumming’ into her. Speak up but in a kind yet firm way especially if it is something that impinges on Charlotte’s personal space.
I’m happy for her not to learn to shake hands. It’s part of my stranger danger lesson. Call me paranoid, but this would be a great way to snatch her away. So many things to teach without putting too much fear into our littlies. Very tricky this Motherhood gig. lol
Teaching a child to express simple thanks for a gift is not teaching them to lie. It’s not even a “white lie.” Whether we think a gift is up to our standards or not, we thank the giver for the gift. We may think it’s “junk” but obviously the giver did not, and we should honor that.
We try to teach our daughter that one of the main reasons for using our manners is to make our friends and family feel welcome and loved in our presence. Brutal honesty is often unnecessary, and even cruel. We have been struggling with this lately when our daughter makes blunt statements about not wanting to play with a friend–right in front of the friend. Teaching her to keep some thoughts private, or to share them only with Mom and Dad, is not the same as disregarding her feelings or teaching her to lie.
First let me say that I love Child Perspective and I find it truly enlightening.
Now onto your post, I find the problem most people have with what you did was telling you child to say “Thank you, but I don’t want this”. And as you said, though combative, Laura did point out that hearing such a response would devastate a child. I think reading her comment allowed you to imagine how your child would feel if she had so carefully and thoughtfully selected what she deemed to be the perfect gift only to have someone reject it.
You spoke of gifting and thoughtfulness in previous posts and I think that is why you should shift your perspective and see that gratitude is never decietful or wasteful. Instead of falsely thanking someone for something your child doesn’t want the focus should be on thanking the gifter for spending time, effort, and money to show their love. People we love and who love us will inevitably disappoint and fail to meet out expectations at times. That does not mean that we should reject their efforts. As misguided and commercial as holiday gift giving has become I imagine grandma did it with the intent to show her precious granddaughter just how much she loves her. As you pointed out in another post, scribbling on pieces of paper is a meaningful gift from a toddler that should be shown gratitude. So too is toy from someone who probably doesn’t get to spend nearly as much time as she’d like to with someone she loves very much. Grandma probably envisioned granddaughter cherishing the gift, with hopes that each time she picked it up to play she would think of grandma and know she is loved. Teach you daughter to say thank you, not for the gift she is going to give away, but for the love that she has been blessed with.
Tamara said : “I think that is why you should shift your perspective and see that gratitude is never deceitful or wasteful.”
I like this perspective, too Tamara.
Thank you for this thoughtful reply, Tamara. I agree with you completely!
I’ve really tried to absorb and consider everyone’s thoughts and suggestions here in this comment thread. You all have very valid points. We’ve had a lot of follow up discussions here at home, because that is the best way to teach and make an impact (when it’s not in the heat of the moment). In the future, my daughter knows how to handle this situation/feeling more appropriately.
My reaction would certainly have been different too if something remotely similar had ever happened before. But, this was the first time my daughter had ever been disappointed with a gift. And not just one, but the whole batch. Imagine the frustration she felt!
For this particular, first-time experience with disappointment, I’m not sure that simply saying, “thank you” would have been adequate. My daughter was dying to be understood, not muffled. It was her first time to have big expectations that went unmet.
I think part of the learning process includes having her feeling understood. So, now that she got that frustration off her chest and was not punished for her behavior, she will feel comfortable saying “thank you” even to unwanted items. Of course.
Many of you have been concerned with grandma’s feelings. Thank you. She took it all in stride and still enjoys showering my kids with gifts.
And that is the beauty of being able to see the circumstances as your child sees them. She is able to reflect on the incident and is allowed to explore her own feelings. Had you reacted differently, say demanding she apologize, any reflecting done would be negative. Instead of being able to sort out her feelings any time she thought about it she would be resentful towards you. You have let your daughter know that you will help her deal with her frustrations rather than punishing her when she experiences disappointment. That grandma took it in stride shows that there is no substitute for experience! So too has my own mother been able to laugh off behavior that made me want to pull out my hair.
Grandma sounds very cool!!!
Yay! Good on you Grandma.