I’ve really tried to absorb and consider everyone’s thoughts and suggestions here in this comment thread. You all have very valid points. We’ve had a lot of follow up discussions here at home, because that is the best way to teach and make an impact (when it’s not in the heat of the moment). In the future, my daughter knows how to handle this situation/feeling more appropriately.

My reaction would certainly have been different too if something remotely similar had ever happened before. But, this was the first time my daughter had ever been disappointed with a gift. And not just one, but the whole batch. Imagine the frustration she felt!

For this particular, first-time experience with disappointment, I’m not sure that simply saying, “thank you” would have been adequate. My daughter was dying to be understood, not muffled. It was her first time to have big expectations that went unmet.

I think part of the learning process includes having her feeling understood. So, now that she got that frustration off her chest and was not punished for her behavior, she will feel comfortable saying “thank you” even to unwanted items. Of course.

Many of you have been concerned with grandma’s feelings. Thank you. She took it all in stride and still enjoys showering my kids with gifts.

I like this perspective, too Tamara.

Now onto your post, I find the problem most people have with what you did was telling you child to say “Thank you, but I don’t want this”. And as you said, though combative, Laura did point out that hearing such a response would devastate a child. I think reading her comment allowed you to imagine how your child would feel if she had so carefully and thoughtfully selected what she deemed to be the perfect gift only to have someone reject it.

You spoke of gifting and thoughtfulness in previous posts and I think that is why you should shift your perspective and see that gratitude is never decietful or wasteful. Instead of falsely thanking someone for something your child doesn’t want the focus should be on thanking the gifter for spending time, effort, and money to show their love. People we love and who love us will inevitably disappoint and fail to meet out expectations at times. That does not mean that we should reject their efforts. As misguided and commercial as holiday gift giving has become I imagine grandma did it with the intent to show her precious granddaughter just how much she loves her. As you pointed out in another post, scribbling on pieces of paper is a meaningful gift from a toddler that should be shown gratitude. So too is toy from someone who probably doesn’t get to spend nearly as much time as she’d like to with someone she loves very much. Grandma probably envisioned granddaughter cherishing the gift, with hopes that each time she picked it up to play she would think of grandma and know she is loved. Teach you daughter to say thank you, not for the gift she is going to give away, but for the love that she has been blessed with.

We try to teach our daughter that one of the main reasons for using our manners is to make our friends and family feel welcome and loved in our presence. Brutal honesty is often unnecessary, and even cruel. We have been struggling with this lately when our daughter makes blunt statements about not wanting to play with a friend–right in front of the friend. Teaching her to keep some thoughts private, or to share them only with Mom and Dad, is not the same as disregarding her feelings or teaching her to lie.

Charlotte relayed a scenario recently about hand shaking. She said that this man that we had both just met, put his hand out to shake hers when I wasn’t there (it was still a safe atmosphere) and she said “I don’t do that”. Being shy, I was thrilled that She had spoken up for herself which is something I have been ‘drumming’ into her. Speak up but in a kind yet firm way especially if it is something that impinges on Charlotte’s personal space.

I’m happy for her not to learn to shake hands. It’s part of my stranger danger lesson. Call me paranoid, but this would be a great way to snatch her away. So many things to teach without putting too much fear into our littlies. Very tricky this Motherhood gig. lol

I love reading other stories of parent’s understanding their child’s perspective, or putting themselves in their child’s shoes as you say. It is hard work and I commend you for doing that with your daughter as you help her to become more comfortable with unfamiliar people.

My kids are fairly shy with new people too. It can be challenging when meeting new folks, because they often don’t want to introduce themselves or shake hands with a stranger. I started asking them to at least make eye contact and smile. It is still showing connection and recognition, but in a safe way.

Thanks for sharing!