My daughter refused many of her gifts this holiday. Yes, flat out refused them.
It started during our Solstice celebration when the gnomes delivered a few gifts for my daughters. My 5-year-old eagerly ripped off the wrapping paper to discover the gifts she had asked for. She quickly started going berserk! And, not in the freaking out because she was so excited sort of way. She went berserk because the gifts (which she had asked for) were not quite right. The baby doll’s hair was too long. The doll’s clothes were funny. The baby stroller was frustrating to use. Nothing met her expectations!
Minutes after opening the very gifts she had been eagerly awaiting, she flung them across the room.
Thoughts going through my mind (in about this order):
- Ungrateful child!
- Is she possessed?
- Please don’t model this for your younger sister – the parrot.
- Why are you so damn particular?
- Something about this feels uncomfortably familiar.
- I remember pouting through most Christmases because they didn’t quite match my expectations.
- Oh, she is not ungrateful
- She is simply frustrated and disappointed.
- Now what?
I removed the doll and stroller from the house. We all read a book together. We went on with our planned Solstice celebration, which was really great this year. (I’ll post a picture of the wreath that we made from treasures we gathered on our hike that morning.)
After my daughter was in a calm, receptive space, I took her to a quiet place to talk. I acknowledged her disappointment. I related to her by telling her that I felt a similar way as a child. I told her that I know it does not feel good to be so upset. I hugged her.
But then I also told her my expectations. I let her know that it is not okay to throw a fit when she doesn’t like a gift. I explained that if she does not like a gift, then she needs to be able to say, “thank you, but I don’t want this.”
Later that afternoon, my daughter asked for the gifts back. She waited until she was in a better space to deal with the disappointment again. She decided to keep the doll and stroller after all.
We knew we weren’t quite out of the woods yet though, because we were anticipating the onslaught of Christmas gifts from grandma. Grandma was arriving in two days with a reported barrage of junk stuff.
On Christmas morning before my daughter began opening the gifts, I reminded her that it was okay if she did not like the gifts, but she needed to say “Thank you” and put them into a “return pile”.
Her behavior was stunning for a 5-year-old. She eagerly handed out and opened gifts. She said thank you and put most of them in the return pile. For one reason or another, the gifts were not quite right.
Now it’s grandma who is left to deal with her unmet expectations and frustrated feelings.
The wreath we made for Winter Solstice
A follow-up:
A week or so after the holiday festivities had subsided, my daughter wrote her grandma a thank you note and apologized for her behavior. She took responsibility for her actions and understands how to behave differently the next time.
Hopefully this awful event can serve as a reminder to parents about the importance of keeping your child’s perspective in mind. My daughter did not feel punished or shamed or blamed. She did not feel silenced. Instead, she has had the space to process the event and take responsibility for her actions. Mission accomplished.
There were a surprising number of responses on the internet about this event. If you want to listen to angry moms rant, check out Did I Get It Wrong?
Related post:
hi Emily,
i am so happy you are writing about this, because i went through the a similar thing with my older one (6) on her b day this year. i was looking to start a family birth day tradition, finally we have decided to have a morning birthday table. so we went and got everything she actually wanted without her knowing, and i set up a beautiful table. i have invited all her dolls and stuffed animals, woke up extra early to make her the tallest pancake cake, spread flowers etc.
it was really beautiful with all the best intentions.
after waking up and opening all the gift, (she was happy about, but kept on wondering how come we didn’t get her this and that) she was the grumpiest, most unhappy and borderline sad child on earth.
i wasn’t sure why. i still am not sure. i feel like this was all too much for her. and i think she hated to be in the center of attention. i am not a bog fan of b days my self.
we have talked, but she could never really explain to me what was wrong. 6 months later when she looks back at that morning, she vividly remembers the pancakes cake, and the table, and all her stuffed animals that joined the party.
sorry for the lengthy reply….what do you think?
tali
Wow! What a fantastic birthday tradition to start. Sounds just lovely.
I remember feeling so let down after Christmas. I would get everything I asked for, yet it still didn’t feel right. I would pout and pout and just want the present opening to end.
I don’t think I was an ungrateful child. I think I was tenacious and had a set idea that the actual experience did not meet. I had expectations for an out-of-this-world magical feeling. It took me too long to learn that stuff didn’t give me that feeling.
I imagine your daughter had built up an idea of how the day would look and feel. Sounds like receiving all of the gifts didn’t quite feel like she had expected. How great that she loved the morning birthday table!
I’ll turn the question back to you – what do you think?
i think she was disappointed from the gifts. which i didn’t mind so much as much as i mind her behavior. more than that it was my disappointment from her not being happy on her b day and appreciating my efforts. that made me a little sad. i think i have learned a big lesson from that experience. i think with zoe she needs to be taking part of planning, and choosing. she is very particular and have some great visions.
i think maybe for next year i will try the same ritual but i will rethink the table with gifts, i will keep the pancakes and maybe we will go shopping together and she can pick her own gift.
tali
Hi, Emily! I just reconnected with your blog. Wow, I was really interested in how you handled the situation with Brynn at Solstice when she expressed active disappointment with her gifts. She looks very unhappy in the picture, but I was glad to learn you helped her find another, more constructive way to deal with her disappointment. It’s wonderful how unpunitive your approach is, so Brynn felt heard and acknowledged, and you find the right moment for teaching via a talk about the situation. It’s good she now knows she doesn’t have to keep things she doesn’t want, yet does need to be gracious and say thank you when someone has given her something she’s asked for, even if it turns out not to be as perfect as she had hoped. Good learning for life that is! Love, Jane
I’m disgusted that you would even teach a child that “thank you, but I don’t want this” is acceptable. How can you advocate that? How can you really teach a child to live in this world and be respectful of others and their feelings when you advocate this? If my child had thrown gifts across the room, that would have been the end of it. Teaching all about being disappointed is one thing, but allowing this kind of behavior is a complete other, and then foisting the guilty and confused feelings on the grandparent? That’s disgusting. How dare you advocate this. Normally, I’m a to each his/her own parenting person, but there are certain things that are universal, and I know if my child were to thoughtfully pick out something a friend wanted and then get the response you advocate, he would be beyond heartbroken. The sad thing is that it’s ok with you.
We have taught our son that if it’s something he doesn’t like, he says “thank you” to the gift giver and then talks to us in private when we return home and the gift giver is not around. Then, we decide what to do. We would NEVER, EVER allow what you allow in front of a gift giver.
I really feel in my heart of hearts, you’ve got it wrong here, and it’s enough for me to never come here to visit again.
Yeah, I agree with Laura. Shoddy parenting skills. I agree to acknowledge the child’s feelings, but you don’t just rudely make a return pile in front the giver. How about charity for others and volunteering your time and donate toys every year to children who don’t get much of anything for Christmas, or worldwide are just trying to survive? This is the problem with our country- selfish adults raising selfish children. I think that there needs to be a balance between self-expression and discipline.