Recently I have reintroduced an important theme – your child’s perspective. A previous post looked at your child’s perspective from the visual aspect. Today we will touch on the intellectual aspect. Next will be the emotional aspect.
Parents often delight in trying to understand their newborn’s personality and needs. It can be exciting to get to know the newest member of the family. Yet, when it comes to older kids, many parents have a different approach. They try to control instead of observe. Ever known a helicopter parent?
It’s no wonder. Who wants to crawl inside the mind of a child who is screaming or yelling? Who wants to observe a stubborn or rude child? Yet this is when trying on another person’s perspective is critical. Ask yourself what’s going on for your child when he is seems to be irrationally acting in this way.
Admittedly, this is no easy feat. But it’s rewards are immeasurable.
The benefits speak for themselves. It’s training the adult that takes work.
How do you shift your perspective to unobjectively try on another person’s perspective? How can you crawl inside your child’s mind? First, and most importantly, put aside your own idea or fantasy of who you want your child to be and be open to who your child is.
Many parents have preconceived ideas about how they want their kid to develop – confident, outgoing, adaptable, organized . This is understandable. But, when things turn out differently, parents mourn the loss of their dream child. Sometimes their mourning gets in the way of truly seeing their child for who he really is.
I will provide more tools for better understanding your child’s individual temperaments and behavior preferences in future posts.
In the meantime, consider two different, yet common scenarios:
Scenario #1:
You are eager to get your toddler dressed for the day. You have a big meeting at work and cannot be late again. Frantically, you are trying to get clothes on her, but she is doing anything to avoid you. It’s her favorite game. Then, she breaks down fussing and refusing to get dressed. Sound familiar?
So, you beg and plead. To no avail (unless you break down and offer a grand bribe). Then you lose your temper, throw the clothes on, and the two of you storm out the door for the day. A quick and discombobulated drop-off and you slide into work just. in. time.
Consider to yourself:
- Why is she upset?
- Is she tired or sick?
- What is her zing?
- How would she want to get dressed?
- Are the clothes comfortable?
Likely, with a toddler, the child is wanting more control over the situation. Toddlers love earning some responsibilities and control. Rather than choosing her outfit and dressing her, give her the opportunity to participate. If you aren’t comfortable with mismatched clothes, get over it! allow her to pick out her socks or underwear.
Consider your child’s zing. These developmental phases will tell you a lot about your child’s needs and preferences. Follow the zing.
Scenario #2
You are at the grocery store with your two children. While waiting in the check-out line, another shopper behind you starts crooning over one of your children (typically the one at that “cute age”).
“Oh, look at you and your cool sunglasses. What great hair he has! I love those dimples. How old are you?”
Meanwhile, your other child, standing like a shadow beside you, is looking on. What do you imagine he is thinking? Can you imagine? It might be different than what you are thinking or think he should be thinking. Read his facial expressions and body language. Is he also admiring his little brother? Or, is he thinking that he must be invisible or not as cute?
The hidden part here – that will bite you in the ass if you don’t watch out – is that your child will eventually act this out. Unlike scenario #1, he may not act this out now. In fact, many behavioral issues stem from previous experiences, not immediate occurrences.
Pay attention to these behavioral issues. Sit with each one (as it is happening or shortly thereafter) for a few minutes and try to understand your child’s perspective. This is the most significant change you can make to your parenting style!
Related posts:
- #1 Parenting Secret
- Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly
- The World According to Your Child
- What is My Child Thinking?
