“I’m telling on you!” is a common phrase that we could respond to more effectively and, as a result, hear less often if we viewed it through the child’s perspective. Whether the child sings or shouts this phrase, it is a cry for help and guidance, rather than an annoying, insubstantial threat between children.
Recently I was watching my daughter play with her friend in our backyard. My momentary appreciation for my daughter’s newfound independence was interrupted by the familiar words sung by her friend: “I’m telling on you!” These words immediately bring me back to my years as a preschool teacher.I spent hours upon hours teaching young children to speak to one another rather than immediately involving the adult referee who is to grant immunity and/or punishment.
Children feel empowered and develop a high level of self-respect when they are successful handling conflicts independently (or anything, for that matter), but they first have to be taught the skills. While they experience all of the same emotions as adults, they do not instinctively know how to express anger and frustration appropriately or how to solve conflicts. As parents, we are their moral educators. This is a big job and should be navigated with the endpoint in mind.
My daughter’s friend (hereafter referred to as Friend and Daughter ) said, “I’m telling on you” and came charging toward me, before even telling Daughter what she did not like. I immediately stopped her. My goal was to redirect her to first try talking to Daughter, so I kindly said, “You sound very frustrated. I am happy to help you find words to say to Daughter, but we don’t tell on people in this house. Both of you are old enough to talk with each other when you are upset.”
Rather than taking sides or passing judgement during this conflict, I listened and echoed back the feelings that I heard or saw being expressed, giving labels and names to the behavior. “You look very upset and you’re frustrated because Daughter is not sharing her toy with you.” Friend flashed a grateful smile to me, confirming the basic fact that all children yearn to be understood and validated. I continue, “So, what can you say to her?” Friend: “I don’t know.”
I had her attention and trust now. She was eager to resolve this successfully and didn’t want to blow it with a wrong answer, so I provided her with something: “You could say, ‘I want to play with that toy too, so when you are done playing will you please give it to me?” Friend repeated this to Daughter, who said “yes” and immediately handed over the toy in question. Friend beamed a “thank you” and all was well in their world again. It only lasted a few minutes before I hear Friend sing the familiar song again. I begrudgingly resigned myself to a more parent-managed play date than I had intended, but was immediately rewarded with the children’s successes in expressing their emotions and resolving their conflicts.
My experience as a teacher informs me that this might be a regular conversation between these two friends for a short while until each one has learned this next level of resolving conflict. There is a piece of communication and emotional zing happening here. I’ve said it before and I will say it again (and again and again): Feed the zing and you will experience less resistance!
what about “i will not be your friend any more if you don’t let me have this item in question..” I hear a lot of that in kids play dates. usually when it happens, the child who makes the threat makes sure there is no adult in the area. do you interfere, or let it go and talk to your daughter later after the play date is over?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this:
I find it helpful to distinguish between telling as ‘tattling’, versus telling as ‘genuine concern for safety.’
Tattling should be redirected as a conversation b/t children, with some adult help if necessary (as is usually the case with my son!).
Genuine concern for safety (bullying, a child doing something dangerous, etc) is always okay for ‘telling on’ to an adult.
What do you think?
I have heard this many times too. More often as a teacher, though (sharing classroom materials or playing on the playground). My long-term goal is always to have the children able to discuss these things w/o adult intervention, but that takes time. First they need to be given the tools, the skills.
If I think the kids will be able to resolve the issue on their own, then I wait and listen. If I know they will need some help with word choice, anger management, etc, then I intervene and help direct the conversation. I would say something like, “Oh, you guys will be friends for a long time, even if you get frustrated about things. It’s okay to be frustrated. Let’s talk about it.”
Depending on how things go, I might also follow up with my own child later and/or the friend during the next play date. Sometimes it is best to circumvent these things by saying, “Last time you played together, you had a hard time sharing. Let’s work on this today. I don’t want to hear you say that you won’t be friends with each other. If you are frustrated and need help, I am happy to help you talk to each other.”
Just some ideas. . .
Good question! In both cases, my primary goal is for the children to learn to speak for themselves. Of course, if that does not stop dangerous behavior, then asking an adult for help is totally appropriate and encouraged.
Parents are often too quick to get involved. It can be hard to sit back and watch, but it is often for the best.
I want my kids to learn how to speak to others appropriately and confidently, even in trying times. “Help me to help myself.” This happens through modeling and lots and lots of practice.