Many parents cringe at the notion of their child pretending to play with guns. We fear this symbol of aggression, yet miss its real purpose – experimentation with power, action, and reaction, in a safe way. And, more importantly, we miss the opportunity to establish and reestablish close connection with our children as they age. Parent and writer, Jenny Knuth, investigated this phenomenon in the article, Bang! Bang! You’re Dead!:
What I found surprised me: a healthy response to weapons play has little to do with restricting or forbidding and everything to do with engaging my children’s imaginations and connecting to their inner worlds.
Forbidding this natural and purposeful activity only creates resentment, power struggles, and isolation. So, how do we support weapon play when it feels so wrong?
- Allowing weapon play provides you with a window into your child’s relationship to violence.
- Go one step beyond merely allowing it and join in the weapon play. As psychologist and author, Lawrence Cohen suggests, say “Hey, you found the love gun. When I get shot with that gun, I just have to love the person who shot me.” Follow this up with a playful or meaningful embrace, depending.
- Don’t panic. Don’t scold. Work with your child’s interests. Engage with them.
- Understand your child’s perspective. Ask them: “what are you playing?”; “how does it feel?”
- Consider the play in the context of the child’s life: change, upheaval, exposure to violence. Play is a natural way for children to recover from their daily emotional upheaval.
- Weapon play is an important way for children to exercise moral understanding.
- If you wonder if the fighting is real or play, stop the game and ask.
- Don’t rush to permanent labels and prematurely box your child into a violent future. As Knuth says, “Many gentle husbands and fathers were once imaginary barbarians conquering the world.”
Knuth continues,
Teacher and scholar Penny Holland found that allowing war play, within limits, actually made a more peaceful preschool environment. Those boys drawn to war play were not told how “bad” their desires were, were more engaged, and because they were allowed expression of their interest, weren’t given the self-fulfilling label of “bad boy.”
Research shows that it’s not the kids who are interested in toy weapons who become violent. Rather, it’s the children who are bullied, who grow up in households where guns are used, who live in areas where guns are part of the youth culture, and who feel estranged and alone who are more likely to go on to use real guns.
This article opened my eyes years ago when I was a preschool teacher and again provided fresh perspective tonight as my 4-year-old daughter made shooting sounds and told me she was going to “gun me”. When I asked her, simply, what that meant, she shrugged and said she didn’t know. “Someone at school says that.” I recognized this gun play as her attempt for connection and chose to play with her; to connect with her in a playful way (without guns).
I am again reminded of her innocence and honest exploration of her world. I’m grateful for having capitalized on the moment, rather than squandering away another “invitation” to connect with my daughter.
How do you confront your child’s exploration of power through weapon play?
What perfect timing! Literally just this morning my 4 year old son greeted the day with this sort of play (which has happened only on occasion in the past). Whenever it has come up, I try so hard to contain my knee-jerk reaction of “yikes, no guns!” that I end up not having much of a reaction at all, uncertain of how I want to handle it, but then forget to give it more thought as it doesn’t come up very often.
I believe this latest interest is due to Star Wars play (whether kids know what actual Star Wars is or not!) that happens at school – and my son’s desire for connection and to be playing with the “big boys.”
Thanks, as always, for helpful insight!
Hi Emily….
Interesting post.
I have never really appreciated this concept thru this lens before…..weapons play as “experimentation with power, action, and reaction, in a safe way.” This adds a new layer for me but I still cannot abide by gun play….as natural as this play may be, guns are not. Does this make other, more “natural” weapons better? Don’t know…but the symbolism of guns in our culture is a tide I am willing to go against. But maybe I’ll be less reactionary when one of my children strikes me down with a bow and arrow.