Does your child’s emotional state feel like a state on the opposite side of the continent? Or, separated by the Great Divide? Sometimes you might feel right in groove with your child and other times completely baffled and bewildered. Me too.
Understanding your child is like putting together a puzzle. As with puzzles, sometimes the pieces just don’t fit right. Puzzle pieces get lost or tattered or a corner gets torn off. Kids get “worn out” too. They might have a funky moment with a friend or feel unappreciated by a teacher or hear a story that gets them rattled.
These changing pieces are like our ever changing and evolving kids. The change is a good thing. Keeping up can be the hard part. Yet, understanding your child’s perspective is paramount as I have said over and over and over again.
I discussed the importance of understanding your child’s perspective in the #1 Parenting Secret. Then I introduced 2 of the 3 aspects of perspective taking: visual, and intellectual. Today I’ll discuss the emotional aspect.
6 emotional needs of children:
- Love: Children don’t always know that we love them. They need to be shown and told often. Look for opportunities. A warm smile. A hearty laugh. A timely hug. Let your love light shine.
- Acceptance: Accept your child for who she is. Let go of your idea of who you want her to be and support her natural blossoming.
- Sense of belonging and connection: Work hard to maintain connection with your child as she ages and also in times of distress. Play is the most direct and revealing way to connect with your child. In fact, it is your child’s primary way to connect. So, rather than ignoring a temper tantrum, try connecting with consensual roughhousing instead. Fabulous book (with a boring name): Playful Parenting
- Security: Set limits and boundaries. Your child actually craves these and will test and push until she feels the limit. Limits help her to feel secure. Set one and stick with it!
- Healthy sense of self: Help your child understand herself. Talk about emotions (pleasant and unpleasant). Give her coping techniques. Channel the strengths and struggles in a positive direction.
- Productivity and achievement: Children are in process. They are becoming independent beings. This happens best with a supportive environment where each child can do appropriate, purposeful activities. Sitting in front of the TV is not one of these. Pouring water from one container to another is appropriate for a toddler. So is finger painting. If the child can use her hands or body, she will be filling her body and mind with important information.
These six emotional needs are huge clues for understanding your child’s emotional state. Use them as a checklist. Are her needs being met? Are there areas where she needs more input? Are you putting too much energy into one or two needs and ignoring another?
Related posts:
- #1 Parenting Secret
- Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly
- The World According to Your Child
- Crawling Inside Your Child’s Mind
Wonderful post Emily! You hit it with your discussion of a child’s needs. One of the courses I teach in the teacher education program at UC Santa Barbara focuses on the emotional needs of children and how teachers can look at these needs and the external assets found each of four different arenas (school, home, community and a child’s peer group). The discussion is fascinating for the future teachers. Thanks for tackling a tough concept here.
Best,
Joe Bruzzese
http://www.ThinkingForwardtv.com
such a great post, with tangible specific ways to address this topic!
Another plug for the playful approach to some issues and the idea of letting some of the “small stuff” go. I am (slowly) reading Playful Parenting and I think I got this idea from him. A few times lately when my son (age 5) has resisted doing something I have been asking to, or saying “mama i am never going to xyz” I have pretended crying, big waaa waaa complete with rubbing my eyes… he thinks this is completely hysterical and it has dramatically changed the (downward spiraling) interaction we were having. After both of us laughing over my “crying” and me getting more and more dramatic about it, he has happily done whatever I was asking him to do, or ceased whatever irritating behavior I was “crying” about.
And an unrelated side note – a few days ago when I said “I love you so much! no matter what!” he replied “do you love me even when I wake up in the middle of the night?” Which really gave me a reality check on my middle of the night grumpiness and how it might be coming across (yikes). And was an excellent entry into talking about how I always love him, even when I (or he) am (is) grumpy, tired, angry, distracted etc.
Thanks again Emily!