Seeing the world through my child’s eyes has been the single best way for me to fine tune my parenting. When I need direction on how to handle a situation – from addressing sibling rivalry to how we arrange our furniture to simply choosing a birthday gift - I look first to my child. What is my child’s perspective?
But, how do we tap into our child’s perspective? It begins with observation. This is different than simply watching your child. You can learn how to observe here.
Believe me, I know that understanding your child’s perspective can at times feel like climbing Mt. Everest. Backwards. It does get easier with practice.
I encourage you to start bringing your child’s perspective more and more into your own awareness. You can begin this every evening after your child is asleep. Reflect on the day from his perspective. Reflection is the key. The zen of it. The essence of it. Below are some sample questions to help guide you:
- Were there ways that he felt like he contributed meaningfully to the family’s experience?
- Did he feel listened to attentively?
- What difficulties did he encounter? Were they avoidable?
- Did he experience positive outcomes?
- What did he engage with in his unstructured time?
- Was the room safe and appropriate for him to explore independently?
With practice and commitment, imagining your child’s perspective will become second nature and hopefully encompass all parts of the day. This understanding and deep connection with your child will provide innumerable and unexpected benefits. I look forward to hearing your experiences with this, both the struggles and success stories.
You can read more on understanding your child’s perspective visually, intellectually, and emotionally, plus these bonuses:
I especially like your suggestion questions for reflection at days end. . .It is so easy to fall onto the couch with a big sigh of exhaustion at the end of the day, rather than take some moments to think about and refine some thoughts on how challenges could be met differently the next day. Excellent reminders!
I love this idea. It not only is a great way to handle potentially miserable (for all parties) situation, but it teaches alternative methods for dealing with conflict for the kids themselves. Great idea.
Great blog! Please post more examples of tuning into the child’s perspective. I can see it when you explain it, but sometimes have a difficult time seeing it when I am in the middle of a “situation” with my own child. Thanks!
Thank you so much for not only suggesting we consider the perspective of our children, but for also giving a very clear and common example. It is so easy to want to react and just put an end to whatever conflict is occurring, but from what you write, I can see how putting yourself in their shoes helps to eliminate the same or similar situations in the future.
Your posts are so interesting and relevant. I really appreciate that you leave me with a concept that I can try and put to use right away. I look forward to “practicing” some of these new techniques. Thank you!
I love your blog as it reminds of so many great things I read about with my first child that seem to get forgotten as life gets crazier with two. Especially with my strong-minded, emotional and amazing little girl I’m entering new challenges as every child is different. My husband has been traveling alot so I’ve needed to take that moment before reacting on many things. I’ve come to realize that while my son’s personality is more similar to mine, my daughter is much more on fire and vocal and so trying to see things from her perspective has helped so much in how I respond to her needs.
I appreciate this need to slow down, really see what our children are seeing … and then gently guide them onward. As a mother of two it is second nature to continually be planning ahead — moving forward. But sometimes it is the stopping and being still that offers the most growth. Thank you for this.
Being that four days a week I am often away from my daughter for more than 10 hrs at a time, I have to ask for a lot of feedback from her teachers to get this kind of information, and they cannot always provide it. I can, however, tune into it on the days I’m with her and I like these different areas you summarize (what to consider). I definitely notice that on days when she’s been very social and /or at school, she wants to have “privacy” (a word she now uses a lot!) and go into a corner or under a table and read books or pretend play. This makes total sense. I need to reflect more, however, and this is a good reminder of that.
So true, Anna. Understanding your child’s perspective is hard. It’s hard whether you are away much of the time or with them 24/7. The obstacles are different. Given that you have limited time, focus less on the quantity of time and more on your ability to connect and reflect.
It’s great that you have identified a new pattern. This behavior gives you a little more info about her day. When she retreats to a quiet space later on, you have a sense of what her morning was like. You are also getting a glimpse at her tolerance for social activities. This information allows you to be proactive and create quiet time for her within an otherwise busy, social day.
Excellent mindful parenting!