Children misbehave every 3 minutes (some statistics say). The parent in me can find fleeting comfort in that. But the child development specialist in me knows that it doesn’t need to be that way.
Last week I checked out a new method for discipline and promised to review it for you. It turns out, much to my disbelief, that this simple method (with a lame name) has been immediately effective and appears to be a positive approach to discipline.
1-2-3 Magic
I checked out the video for 1-2-3 Magic from our local library, watched the video that same night, and then put the method into action first thing the next morning. The video proved to be a nice alternative to the book because Superdad and I could watch it together and in just 2 hours we had a plan in place.
Our day-to-day life has been better ever since. I highly, highly recommend this method by Dr. Phelan.
Two Reasons Kids Frustrate Parents
If kids misbehave every 3 minutes, think of how much time and energy we zap talking, threatening or punishing them.
We get frustrated with our kids for one of two reasons:
- They are doing something that we want them to Stop (tempers, whining, hitting, etc).
- They are not doing something that we want them to Start (cleaning the bedroom, putting away toys, doing their homework, etc).
Dr. Phelan simply calls these START and STOP behaviors. The method that I’m describing here is for Stop behavior.
1-2-3 Magic is easy to use and effective for kids 2-12
Often times the behavior we want to stop is testing and manipulation. Dr. Phelan describes 6 different testing tactics, such as badgering and temper tantrums. Let me tell you, 1-2-3 Magic works like …well, magic in these circumstances.
If your child does something that he knows is not okay (because you’ve talked about it over and over and over again) then stop talking. Simply count. Your child gets two chances and then there is a consequence. Let’s look at an example:
If your child starts badgering you for a toy after you have already said no, then you simply say: “That’s 1.” Wait 5 seconds. If the badgering continues, “that’s 2.” Wait 5 seconds. If it’s still happening you calmly say, “That’s 3. Take 5 minutes in your room.” End of story.
Quick tips for 1-2-3 Magic
- Stay calm.
- Explain the new plan to your child before you put it into place.
- Give your child about 1 minute of “time-out” for every year of their age.
- DO NOT discuss the situation when they return. It’s a clean slate.
- Counting in this way is so effective, that it can be addictive. Don’t overuse it.
There is real technique to this method, so if you are at all inclined to put it into practice, I encourage you to grab the book or video for yourself.
Benefits of 1-2-3 Magic:
- It’s simple.
- Saves your energy.
- Frees up more of your time for fun and connection.
- Maintains your calm authority.
- Eliminates the endless negotiations.
- Gives children the limits and authority they crave.
- Punishment is short and sweet.
- When used appropriately, it’s highly effective. But, using it appropriately is a learned art, which is why you should read the book or watch the video.
I love 1-2-3 Magic! We used it a LOT when my daughter was 2 and have gotten away from it more recently. Thank you for this, as its a reminder to bring it back. Last year I ordered TWENTY , yes twenty copies of Phelan’s book for my office to “lend” to parents. ( I now have TWO, unfortunately). What I like about this approach is it eliminates all the ridiculuous over-talking we parents to in an attempt to help kids understand, blah blah. I like the action vs. talking, and ALSO, the clean slate/ start over aspect as well. I like how you break it down so well, but its true reading about it really helps. Many parents have come back to tell me “it does not work” for their child. I think that most often this is because they are still talking too much and not doing it in the way the book recommends.
I’m glad you liked it too, Anna. I think it would be an excellent resource for your clients! Guess you’ll need to order more
Maybe you could order a video or two and have showings w/ free childcare provided??
I can see how some parents won’t find it to be effective. Like so many things parenting, it’s all about presentation and implementation.
I also think it can be hard to undo old habits (like over-talking, jumping to threats and anger, and remaining angry afterwards). If a parent can reprogram herself to adopt this method, I think she will find it highly effective.
How can i get a copy, seeing im in belgium
You can click the 1-2-3 Magic link in the article to order from Amazon or the Dr. Phelan link to order directly from his website.
Wow! What a great idea! I’m glad to see that written out.
I realise now that I’ve used that in teaching my class (5-6 year olds), generally when I tell them to do something and they don’t (go out to play, go to work, etc.). But I think I need to use it more consistently.
And I agree with point 5 – a wise caution!
hi there emily,
i’ve been admiring your fabulous site for many moons. hope you and yours are doing great!
i appreciated distinguishing this technique from the ‘counting game’ of adult impatience, counting to some arbitrary number, timing a child to get something done under pressure. what i found most important in this technique is the pause – the space between numbers. which is the point. but, it transferrs so nicely to life in general. with enough space to breath, and applied truely, this technique will miraculously keep an adult and child from getting to “2″ in most cases!
happy early summer solstice. pax, elliott
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Elliot.
I totally agree that when we allow for a pause, much strife can be eliminated. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that in the thick of things. I appreciate that the pause is structured into the 1-2-3 Magic technique.
Happy solstice right back at you my dear!
Over the summer holidays I bought and read “1, 2, 3, Magic! for teachers.”
I really enjoyed reading it, and am going to put it into place for my Year 1 class this new term.
Best of luck to you in the new school year! I hope 1-2-3 Magic is as effective in the classroom as it is in the home.
Well, I can report now.
I have a class of 16 5-6 year old children, of mixed nationalities and levels of English ability. From the start of this year (September 2010) I’ve been using the 1, 2, 3 Magic! method of behaviour management. It’s been wonderful. It really has worked really well – both in controlling misbehaviour in individuals and groups or the whole class.
Some points that come to mind:
- Dr. Phelan does mention that 1, 2, 3 magic! is only for “stop” behaviour and thatt other methods are needed for “start” behaviour. Quite true. I use housepoints and promises of playing games in class.
- There is the problem – what if the child will not go to time out? This is something parents of children this age do not have to deal with – you can just pick them up and carry them. Dr. Phelan does have a section on what to do, with some good ideas, but ultimately if the child stubbornly refuses to do anything you are in a spot – and althugh I don’t have any children like that in my class at present, I have known some in the past. such behaviour would probably move the child into the “Major Offenses” section of the book.
- The best behaviour management strategy for teaching is still to have engaging, active, progressive and well-differentiated lessons – which Dr. Phelan does note – but 1, 2, 3 magic! is a wonderful tool for use in class.
Thank you very much for telling us about it, Emily!
I love the simplicity of this discipline method. It would be a great time saver for parents who are constantly shouting and repeating themeselves to their kids. Simple, but effective. They say the best things in life are simplest.