What does positive parenting mean to you? Do you see it as your own enjoyment of parenting or more about nurturing the positive traits in your children?
Often the two go hand in hand. When we feel good about our moment-to-moment parenting choices, our kids are likely to feel good too. But when our kids are running on empty (lacking physical or emotional fuel), then parenting gets more difficult. It’s in these difficult parenting moments that our responses are the most tenuous.
Being able to anticipate and recognize these moments is what mindful parenting is all about. Mindful parenting makes parenting more fun and fulfilling and less of a burden or mystery. Mindful parenting includes positive parenting.
Mindful, positive parenting allows you to be able to say YES to your child more often without giving in, while also bringing out the behavior you want. (You can find specific tips for becoming a more mindful parent here.)
2 Tips to Keep it Positive
#1: Saying Yes instead of No
Consider this scenario: You are tucking your toddler into bed for the night. Like most toddlers, she would rather stay awake with you than end the day and face the discomfort of separation. She hugs you and pleads, “I want to be with you.”
You could respond:
“No honey, it is time for bed.”
or simply try to find a way to say yes
“Okay, when you wake up we’ll snuggle and read a book together.” (*positive parenting response)
If you are parenting mindfully, it’s easier to keep your bearings. You know that your toddler just wants to be with you. You can acknowledge her so that she feels heard and understood, but not “give in” to an extended bedtime.
#2 Positive Reinforcement
You are preparing dinner and your children are finally playing quietly in the next room for the first time in ages.
You could:
1. Continue cooking without interruption and enjoy the quiet. Maybe you’ll even have an extra moment to brag about it on Facebook.
or
2. You could step away from the kitchen for a moment to acknowledge and reinforce this desirable behavior, “You guys are doing a nice job playing together.”
It’s a well known fact that angry people make noise and happy people remain silent. We see it in parenting. We see it in politics.
When our kids are behaving well (playing nicely with siblings or friends, willingly completing homework, getting ready for school on time) it’s easy to remain quiet. To say nothing. Yet the moment there is a problem, we are quick to speak up.
But that means that kids predictably get our attention when they do something negative. So what do you think they’ll choose next time they really want some connection/attention from you? They’ll choose the surest form – negative attention.
We know that it doesn’t matter whether it’s negative or positive attention, if kids want it they will take it in whatever form you dish it out. So, start dishing out positive attention (especially if it is unexpected and/or in front of other people) and see your child’s behavior shifts. Enjoy the benefits of positive parenting.
Bonus tip: Praise requires a little mindfulness too or else it can backfire. You can read more to learn how to effectively praise your child.
When you are feeling a little worn out this evening, remind yourself of the two tips for keeping it positive. You’ll enjoy a smoother evening! And feel better about yourself too.
Thank you for reminding us of more ways we can say YES first, this takes some creativity at times (and I like how you gave examples!)
I think most of us have been through periods (even if just fleeting moments) when “no” feels like the default response. For me it is when I am feeling lazy or grouchy. “Yes” might require a little more creativity on the spot, but with practice it can become the default. There is usually a way to turn a negative into a positive. And, that’s something to remember about most things in life, right
I totally believe in positive parenting. It makes complete sense to be positive with a child, for example saying “please walk” instead of “don’t run”.
However when my toddler has tipped all her toys onto the floor, is squeezing toothpaste on to the carpet and saying she’s hungry for the 2000th time despite having just had a full meal, it can be hard! And yes, it’s even harder when you’re tired!
When I”m tearing my hair out and feel like I’ve been saying NO for the last half an hour, I try take a step back/deep breath and try a more positive approach.
Oh I hear you, 21st Century Mummy!
And while I think parents can find ways to say “yes” more often, I also believe there are very appropriate times for kids to hear “no” too.
Wishing you a day full of positive parenting moments!
Great article! I do not have children yet but I have been doing a lot of reading and research for when we do, and thus far I think the positive parenting approach is the one I most identify with. Thanks for posting.
yes yes yes!! great advice. thank you so much for this.
I admit, I have not came to this website in a very long time. still it was yet another pleasure to read your excellent content.