It is no surprise that in an era of parenting riddled with guilt, parents can even feel guilty from a normal human emotion – anger. But, who hasn’t become ridiculously annoyed, frustrated, or even angry with their child? The good news is that children can learn and benefit from a healthy display of anger.
Children yearn to understand us, since we provide context for this wide world. It helps us and our children when we are honest about our feelings, even our anger. Since it is a given that we will all feel angry with our children sometimes, let’s put the guilt aside and learn how to do it productively. How can we vent anger in a healthy way? Can we go BOMBALOO (to quote a wonderful children’s book) without causing damage and maybe even teach a positive life lesson?
Each child is highly attuned to her parent’s mood and energy, beginning before birth. Before the autonomic nervous system has developed, the baby looks to her primary caregiver for cues on her emotional state (arousal, recuperation, fight or flight, etc). This is a biological instinct that allows the child to develop a unique bond with her parents. This bond continues to develop as the relationship evolves, leaving children deeply tuned in to our energy and moods. So, when we present something different than what we are feeling, our children recognize this discrepancy, which leaves them feeling insecure and isolated. They want to hear words that reflect their parent’s true feelings.
The manner in which expressions of anger can be helpful and productive is similar to that of praise and affirmation, in that the expression should be descriptive and in proportion to the related event. Expressions of anger should avoid judgment and criticism, such as labeling (i.e. name-calling) and blaming. It is okay to be very, very angry, but don’t lose control of yourself. Do not treat your child like the enemy by being hysterical and attacking her personality or character. The more specifically the anger is targeted and proportional to what was done, the more constructive it will be to the child.
Even though on some days the littlest things can tip us off, it does not help the child’s learning if we are as angry about a spill as we are about her hitting a friend. Differentiate a merely unpleasant and annoying event from one that is very serious or even catastrophic. A spilt drink can be frustrating in many circumstances, but it is always an opportunity to show your child that accidents happen and allow her to participate in the clean up: “I see you spilled your drink. That’s frustrating, but it’s OK. After you clean it up with a sponge, I will refill your cup.” With a minor event such as a spill, we can observe our child’s reaction/behavior and modify our responses accordingly.
On the other hand, a rude or dangerous action often requires an immediate, firm, and abbreviated response. No long lectures. The child is not in a receptive state. Later in the evening, during a time that is not charged with this event, have a broader discussion where you can calmly discuss the incident and introduce important family values.
If you do find yourself swept up in the emotion of it all, which at times we all will, remember the words of the brilliant psychologist (and mentor to authors Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber), Dr. Haim Ginott. He stated in his book, Between Parent and Child:
There is a place for parental anger in child education. In fact, failure to get angry at certain moments would only convey to the child indifference, not goodness … This does not mean that children can withstand floods of fury and violence; it means only that they can stand and understand anger that says, “There are limits to my tolerance.”
Anger should be expressed in a way that brings some relief to the parent, some insight to the child, and no harmful side effects to either of them.
Anger is an inevitable, recurrent emotion, so it is futile to wish it away or to be ashamed when it rears its head. The best response for you and your family is to recognize and respect it. When your anger does make an appearance, give it the space it deserves, keep it descriptive and non-judgmental, and then follow up with your child during a less heated time.
Gwyneth Paltrow describes her process with this on her site, GOOP:
I often name what is going on (in other words, I say, “Mommy is having a hard day, and I am feeling upset”) so that the very mundane human “bad” feelings do not turn into some grim phantom in the room with me. Sometimes I don’t have the maturity in the moment, and when it fails me, I apologize at bedtime when my children and I are having a talk. I have felt my daughter’s whole body sigh in relief when I have simply and very specifically voiced regretting my own behavior.
via GOOP NEWSLETTER #20.
For more thoughts on anger management, check out these resources:
it’s good to be reminded that getting angry is normal – it’s how we react and respond to the anger that is where we need to keep ourselves in check. it’s a hard, hard thing some days…
What a great post. I think anger in our society in general is not talked about or handled very productively much of the time. This is really helpful descriptions of the dynamics and value of anger, seperated from the often reflexive response of guilt.
A recent experience… I was at my wits end, sooooo frustrated with something my son was doing (can’t remember what it was! although it seemed very important at the time). After describing my frustration, I left the room, went to my bedroom, stomped my feet around and grrrrr’d in frustration, as a last resort to prevent myself from yelling, which i knew wouldn’t get us anywhere. He came to find me, suddenly open to talking about it, curious. I think dis-engaging from the power struggle we were having allowed both of us to be more curious and receptive to the other’s perspective. We ended up having a good talk, laughing about how we had both just been so grumpy, with lots of hugs, and some sort of resolution to what we were battling about. Such a relief!
this post is perfect for me today. my daughter and I had our differences after dinner. I forgot to touch base with her. I will do it tomorrow.
another great book is: becoming the parent you want to be by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser
thanks
tali
Whew. Affirming post! Mommy definitely gets Bombaloo. What is the book referring to anger as going bombaloo, Emily? Love the word. And guess what?! Two poops on the potty this AM, (and no rewards, ,just high fives, I was seriously ready to give in to rewards yesterday, but did not) and she loves to show everyone her undies. Its been HARD but day three we are seeing RESULTS! Yeah!
Congrats to you and your daughter!! It can be hard to plow through, but so rewarding once you begin to see consistent positive results.
The name of the book is, Sometimes I’m Bombaloo. The link is active here and in the article to Amazon so that you can learn more.