I just read this great article and wanted to share it with all of you!
Dr. David Walsh is recognized as one of the world’s leading authorities on parenting and the impact of media on children’s health and development.
He told about waiting for the ice cream truck when he was little and begging his mom to let him buy some ice cream. He knew whining wouldn’t work on her, so he had to get smart: He asked for the cheapest item, it cost 7 cents.
“It’s not about the money,” he said she told him. “I want you to learn you don’t always get what you want.”
“Does that mean my mother and the parents then were better parents?” Walsh asked. “No, they had it easier. They were surrounded by a culture that reinforced ‘no.’ Now, the culture says ‘yes’ to everything.”
We are living in a “Yes Culture,” Walsh said. It says we need “more, fast, easy, fun.”
“We should have whatever we want when we want,” he said.
Studies found that “28 percent of babies under age 2 have a screen in their bedrooms,” Walsh said.
“They are wiring those little baby brains to expect fun and excitement,” he said. When the kids go to school, they encounter a real, human teacher and “they come home and complain of boredom.”
“I’m not against convenience or fun,” Walsh said. “But when these are overdone, you can’t teach the kids how to say no for themselves.”
“Self-discipline is twice as strong a predictor of academic success as intelligence,” he said.
Read more here: via Parenting in a ‘yes culture’ – MarshallIndependent.com | News, Sports, Jobs, Community Info. – Marshall Independent.
What kind of an impact do you see or experience from our “yes” culture?
I am almost afraid to say this, for fear of sounding harsh in some way, but I see an overindulgence of children’s emotions (in therapy, with some friends, too, but mainly in my work). It is GOOD to teach children to name, explore and understand feelings, emotions, etc. But I think it is difficult for some parents (and I am not completely exempt, BELIEVE me) to tolerate their child’d discomfort, and want to “fix” it in some way. (I mean discomfort over NORMAL dissapointments, hurts, etc.). I see this with giving in, not setting limits, fear of your child being “upset”, empathizing with them to the point that parents are not being detatched enough as in, “they are upset, they’ll get over it, it is a normal part of childhood”. I had a camp counselor who when a child would get hurt in a game of soccer, some roughhousing, etc. would brightly say “you’re young, you’ll heal”! (Some kids would be like, what?!) I think we could apply this phrase to dealing with our kids emotions too, at times.
This is a great article, and in terms of the comment thread, I just want to chime in and say that– in this “yes” culture, parents may be ill-equipped on how to constructively set limits and say the two letter word, “No.”
It’s not just about saying no, it’s how to build resilience. Some kids really fall apart in the face of “no.” It is their wiring, other kids can deal with it better, that’s their wiring too….
These themes are at the core of my book, Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Resilience, Flexibility and Happiness.
I have a chapter devoted to teaching kids to handle disappointment, losing, jealousy and failing. If parents are afraid that their kids can’t handle these experiences, they won’t be good coaches. Teaching parents first that the goal isn’t making it all better, it’s making it all make sense, (actually teaching kids to make sense of these experiences themselves), is how they will develop more coping ability and resilience.
If you are interested, you can check out an excerpt at http://www.freeingyourchild.com.
Tamar Chansky
Yes, I totally agree with what you said:
I do think it is so important to hear and affirm your child’s feelings, knowing that they yearn to be understood and validated. It can be a delicate balance to do this while also remaining clear and neutral and not making concessions at the sacrifice of principles.
Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts around the overindulgence of children’s emotions.