One thing I’ve learned while being a parent is that there is not just one perfect way or one single solution to a parenting problem. All of the absolutist ideas that I had about parenting, before becoming a parent, have been challenged, questioned, or are now just laughable.
Discipline is one of these issues. Let’s consider the disciplinary measure of time- out. Is a time-out the best method of discipline? Or, should we never isolate our kids when they are struggling? There are many schools of thought about time-out. What is yours?
Some parents believe time-out is an effective way to remove the child from a problematic situation while punishing him for misbehavior.
Others believe that when children misbehave they are really crying for attention and interaction. These parents assert that choosing positive ways to interact is more effective than rewarding these cries with a negative consequence such as time-out.
In preschool classrooms, removing a child from a problematic situation is common practice. Some teachers use it often and others as a last resort. In my earlier days teaching, I comfortably removed a child from a situation (playground time, group circle, etc) if there was inappropriate behavior. But, over the years, my beliefs and understanding were challenged by various situations and children. I especially remember one particular child that I separated from the group every single day. Time-out, although I never referred to it as that, was not working.
I knew I had to switch my approach before this child became even more disconnected from the class and school. I considered the child’s perspective. I reflected on when he was getting irritable and acting out. It seemed that sitting was challenging for him, so he stimulated himself in negative, inappropriate ways (bothering his neighbor, fidgeting, making noises with his mouth).
I had a hunch that I could teach him how to manage his body and impulses in those situations. He began sitting on a spongy disc and squeezing a stress ball in his hands. Success! He did not have to leave circle anymore. His sense of self and connection with the group flourished after that adjustment.
This example from a school setting is relevant for parents too. Do you know a parent who puts his child in time-out over and over and over again. Does it have a positive change on the child’s behavior? Is it improving the situation? Usually the answer is no. So, I’m left to wonder what the parent is hoping to achieve by this. Just as I had to ask myself what I was hoping to achieve by removing the same child every day from group time.
While the disciplinary measure of time-out does have a time and a place, it is seldom the best response and constantly overused. Think of the word “discipline” as “training” rather than “punishment”. We have to understand our children’s natural impulses and train them to manage them appropriately. As Maria Montessori said in The Absorbent Mind, “We must aim at cultivating the will, not breaking it.”
Instead of resorting to time-out every time something “bad” happens, consider your child’s perspective. Ask yourself:
- Can I turn this into a positive?
- Can I connect instead of isolate?
- Can I address the underlying problem?
Are you a believer in the effectiveness of time-out?
Do you have alternative modes for discipline that you find more successful?
Please share your thoughts below and subscribe to follow the conversation.
Another excellent post. I totally agree. For my son, time outs are great. We don’t necessarily use them as a punishment as much as he sometimes needs to be removed from a situation so he can calm down.
Just today he had a meltdown b/c the timer went off and I hadn’t turned off the stove and timer yet. He was freaking out over the mac-n-cheese not being attended to. While I could have stood there and yelled at him for his behavior, I chose to de-escalate his emotional response first by shutting the stove and time off and showing him that the mac-n-cheese had indeed survived the 30 seconds of extra cooking.
Parenting can be one crazy mess.
This is a great topic, Emily. Thank you. I was advised by many people, whom I trust, to use time outs when my daughter was acting aggressive with other children during play. So, I did it over and over and over with no change in her behavior. I kept thinking that it would just magically work one day. No chance of that. It took me a long time to realize that my daughter needed “training”, like you said, on how to deal with conflict during play. I also needed “training” to realize which environments worked for her and which did not. Just because I really wanted to be part of an outing with other moms and their kids didn’t mean that she could handle it. I’m not saying that there isn’t a time and place to remove your child from a situation. I just don’t think that it is useful by itself.
Great post. It really is something you need to look at for each child. What works with them, what kind of child are they. What works with my son, doesn’t always work with my daughter. I say we can’t do something to my son and he goes with it, my daughter is a totally different story. I have found different tricks to work with both of them and the kids I work with. I always try to make it positive whatever it is. When I use the time out chair- I actually cal it the thinking chair, we need to stop and think for a moment. That is how I view it and I use it.
Hey Emily, thanks for the awesome feedback on my blog and recipes. I’m glad to her from a fellow Brinkley Farms CSAer. I highly suggest trying their ymmy snacking bell peppers – I’m hoping they have them again this week. They are awesome dipped in hummus.
I have found that as you mention, each child’s needs are different, and what may work with one child may not work with another. I have an active 5 1/2 year old that needs time out to calm down on his own, and it works fairly well. My four year old son however simply will not go into time out unless physically placed there which is certainly not a solution at all! My solution has been to tell him that he is in time-out where ever he physically happens to be.
Besides disciplining in this way is so much more fun for a parent than yelling! And kids shouldn’t be the only ones in the family who get to have fun. You know the old saying … the family that plays together, stays together
Good thoughts! I have used both time out and re-training at school and with my own daughter. In a crisis situation at school I usually “isolate, de-escalate, and re-direct”.
I think time out may possibly be a good technique sometimes if and only if afterwards the behavior is discussed so the child understands what the wrong behavior is and what they can do next time.I remember as a kid bein put in time out and I hated it but i was never told why or explained why and it was frustrating.
Those were crying years! For sixth-graders, time out NEVER works. Some 6th graders will plus start crying. THIS IS THE REALITY! But for a 5th-grader, time out works. Ignore a 5th-grader’s crying.