“Are your daughters much like one another? How are they different?” These well intended questions were asked with both of my daughters in close ear shot by some beloved relatives recently. Simple enough, you might be thinking. And yes, I could quickly reel off a list of their seeming similarities and differences.
My oldest (almost 5 yr old) has always been a careful, thoughtful observer and my youngest (almost 2 yr old) throws herself more readily at things and seems less inhibited in some ways. My oldest is very sensitive and temperamental in ways that my youngest hasn’t displayed. My youngest shows a keen interest in animals. Both are surprisingly strong and physically confident and able. Just to list a few.
My hesitation to rattling this list off while my kids listened attentively was in its potential side effects. Children depend on their parents to tell them who they are and what they are capable of becoming. That’s an important job not to be taken lightly.
Kelly Corrigan says this matter of factly in The Middle Place (fabulous book, by the way). “He[Dad] told me once that I was a great talker. And so I was. I was a conversationalist . . . He defined me first, as parents do.”
It is too easy for parents to casually dole out definitions of our children, without fully considering the consequences. And, while defining our children does not always have a negative effect, it’s impact is strong.
As I was considering how to answer this question posed to me, I reminded myself that children are always evolving (adults, too, but that’s for another blog). Their character is always developing. Therefore, conclusive statements can be very limiting.
I chose not to answer the question directly and instead redirected the conversation. In hindsight, I wish I would have asked my oldest daughter, who was listening intently, to answer the question. I would be very interested to hear how she might describe herself and in relation to her sister.
I’ve tried to be mindful of this since reading Ginott and also a book with the terrible title “Scream-Free Parenting.” The author of that one tells a very affecting story of how a grandmother’s casual “defining” comment about him and his brother stayed in his head his whole life.