This question arrived recently:
I’m struggling to let go of my child and allow her to become her own person. I did the natural childbirth, breastfeeding and attachment parenting thing. Now that we’re so closely bonded, I’m finding it hard to separate. I know it’s totally natural for her to detach and separate from me but how is a parent supposed to handle it–and even encourage it?
I wonder what words of encouragement or support you can offer? Did you experience a similar challenge when your baby started gaining some independence? Any tips for how she can begin the hard process of letting go, while staying connected?
I’ll take the first turn, but look forward to hearing from others.
Dear Reader,
You are right that it is natural for your daughter to start seeking more independence. More than natural, it is critical. An independent adult is the result of a thousand baby steps along the way. And, you are the best person to support her in becoming her own, unique, beautiful person.
I’ll share this poignant quote from the book I recently reviewed, Courageous Parents Confident Kids: “An essential, painful truth of parenthood is that our ultimate job is to make ourselves “unnecessary” – at least in our immediate supervisory role.”
It’s a hard truth, but also a necessary reality to embrace. The fact is, your 18-month-old pretty much needs you for most things right now. But she is also beginning to desire some independence. Have you seen your toddler demonstrate this need?
It’s not called the terrible twos for nothing! This simple quest for independence has resulted in the whole phase being anticipated as terrible! You have seen how strong this desire for independence is if you’ve seen a child refuse to sit in a car seat, squirm on the changing table, or resist getting dressed. But, the terrible twos won’t be so terrible if you anticipate her zing and give her the tools and freedom to excel.
For example, many toddlers know how to walk very well, but prefer to be carried. Begin encouraging your daughter to walk more or climb the stairs. Ask her to walk into another room to get you something. Encourage her to take some responsibility for her belongings (glasses, dolls, stuffed animals, picking up toys, etc). Encourage her to begin to choose her own shirt or socks. These are simple ways to let your child begin asserting her independence in simple ways that will be successful.
So, you are asking the right questions. In fact, that you are asking shows what a mindful person and wonderful mother you are. Two articles come to mind that might help to answer some of your questions: #1 Parenting Secret and The Secret to Connecting with Your Kids.
Good luck with the tricky balance of letting go while staying connected.
Please take a moment to share your thoughts below.
My advice for the reader is to first off give herself some praise for taking the time to be such a nurturing parent and to create that strong bond with her baby. She may rest assured that as her child becomes more exploratory and indepedent , he/ she will return again and again to the security of that bond. Of course what Emily quoted is also true, we are essentially experiencing a lot of loss as our children grow- loss of that particular phase, of the holding / baby stage, (there are so many!) We can honor the losses and be more mindful in doing so, yet hopefully not dwell there.
A book that continue to help be in becoming more mindful (reading it in bits and pieces myself) and aware of my OWN triggers in parenting is “Giving the Love that Heals” by Harville Hendrix (founder of Imago Relationship Therapy). I can’t say enough about this book. His theory is that where you have the most difficulty as a parent (letting go at a particular stage for example) is where something important happened in your own development / your own child / parent relationship. Its fascinating. But deep.
Thank you for a thought provoking post Emily!
Thanks for your thoughtful reply, Anna! I’m glad you added the point that kids come and go with their need for independence versus connection and security. My goal is to keep all of those aspects alive simultaneously (autonomy, connection, security).
I’m going to add that book – Giving the Love that Heals – to my list. Thanks!
Hi Emily,
Just read your great post on letting go. I wrote this blog post last year about my mom who never had any difficulty letting go and we’re all the better for it. Enjoy…
Today I had the joy of chatting with a lovely woman in the dog park. She is the mother of three adult girls, she teaches pilates and she and her husband met while they were working as performers with Cirque de Soliel.
She really gave me hope about parenting. She had a sparkle in her eyes every time she spoke about one of her daughters. Not because they were out there working in high profile jobs, or getting top marks in university, but because they were happy, making their own choices and having a great time living their lives.
She never once uttered a disparaging or sarcastic remark about her kids.
I was blessed with a mom who had a similar style of mothering. My mom didn’t come to every basketball game, she wasn’t on the PTA and she left my dad when I was 10 years old. She even smoked 2 ½ packs of cigarettes a day. I know she sounds like a bad mom, but she wasn’t, not even close. In fact, my dad always said he couldn’t have asked for a better mother for his kids.
I think the magic ingredient where my mom is concerned is her particular joie de vivre (joy of life). She loved life and wanted us to enjoy it as much as she did. By giving us the freedom to make decisions for ourselves she prepared us for some of life’s bigger choices. By trusting us, she empowered us to be thoughtful about what we do. She wasn’t always perfect, but that is really the point. Nothing is perfect and she did the best she could and her three kids are better for it. We always knew she was there for us.
As a parent myself, sometimes I find it difficult to be as laid back as my mom and yet continue to instill that same joie de vivre into my children’s life. Occasionally when we need a quick fix, I’ll pack the kids in the car for a visit to their “Gaga’s” house. They love visiting her – she never lets me down. Let me know if you want the recipe for her famous jungle jello.
P.S. She quit the 2 ½ packs a day not because she was becoming a grandmother, but because she was sick of standing outside alone at parties smoking while everyone else was inside having fun.
What a beautiful post, Roz! Thanks for sharing.
A love for life is a wonderful gift to pass along to children. In my experience, people who feel that joie de vivre are the same people who feel that anything is possible. Carol Dweck calls this the “growth mindset” and I think it’s another valuable gift for children.
I think your story offers a lot of hope for the parent trying to let go and stay connected. Thank you.
I love what Roz shared. Just what I needed this particular day. It reminds me of what was so special about the Mom “Vivi” in the book “Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood”. Even though she was a tragic character in many ways, she was a FUN MOM to the core, (at her best) and I remembered feeling inspired to be that kind of Mom when I read the book…(minus the Vodka guzzling). Thank you Roz.
Thanks Anna,
That is a really nice comment. I think being a “perfect” mom isn’t really what it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes our flaws keep us laughing and scratching.
Cheers,
Roz