Where do dads turn to brainstorm parenting struggles and celebrate parenting successes?
Do they comb websites or book stores to find answers to their daughter’s biting issues or son’s potty training regression? Or, like in our house, do they turn to the “all-knowing” mother for guidance?
I e-mailed Jeremy Smith, author of the new book, The Daddy Shift and blog, Daddy Dialectic, to ask if dads, especially those serving as primary caregivers, seek out parenting advice at the same rate as mothers serving as primary caregivers. This was his response:
It’s safe to say, no. Moms buy way more parenting books than dads, and, anecdotally, I’d say moms are way more likely to read them. This is sometimes taken as a lack of commitment to parenting, but I think it’s more accurate to say that dads can’t relate to most of the books out there. I’m an avid reader of parenting books, and I find that dad is often a marginal or even scorned figure in these books. That said, I do think it’s true that many guys have a more laid back, learn-as-you-go approach to parenting, one that makes them less likely to read obsessively. There’s wisdom in that approach, I think, because moms’ reading is often driven by anxiety and sometimes feeds anxiety. I sometimes think that moms should read less!
Parenting is the most challenging job, for which there is no training. Our instinct, intuition, and the best intentions often don’t nurture the child’s basic needs, let alone effectively address parenting calamities.
Imagine if you went to a surgeon who said, ” I don’t really know anything about surgery, but I love my patients and I want them to be happy.” It’s a similar vein with what so many parents say about parenting.
Parents, like surgeons, need to understand our job-at-hand. We definitely have some instinct toward parenting and gain wisdom through experience, but much of parenting is not instinctive or intuitive. Some moms get this. It seems that fewer dads do.
Why?
Is it because fathers often feel marginalized within their families? Once kids enter the picture, dads are often no longer the center of the family dynamic, but pushed out on the fringes.
Parents can work together to avoid this dynamic, but it means the dad has to own his responsibility of parenting, rather than hoping someone else will do the “dirty work”. And, mom needs to encourage his participation without micromanaging the details.
Do you share this perspective?
I’d love to hear from you, dads, what your process is with parenting (help, moms, by forwarding this post along to 3 dads that you know). How do you gather information to help steer your decisions?
Emily, you are always insightful and balanced in your approach to parenting, which is one of the reasons I have read all of your blog posts.
As a ‘dad’, I don’t tend to feel on the periphery of the parenting matrix, but rather in an uninformed central location. My apprehensions are mostly about not knowing what my wife (who works a full-time job staying home with our children) has put into motion while I am away at work. As a result, I am cautious about discipline/supportive actions with the children, etc when I arrive on the scene.
Communication is at the core of all parenting, as each child needs some customization of approach in order to make sense to them. That is not to say that there aren’t solid ‘rules’ that we have agreed to apply to our parenting, but rather that the specific application of those rules can change from phase to phase of the child’s life. I come home, and I don’t know what, if anything, has changed in the approach due to some input from the environment (recently our child saw a disturbing video that put them in contact with death for the first time, via a cartoon to which I was not privvy immediately upon arrival), or due to a changing relationship with a sibling (she is learning to crawl, and it has changed the life of my older girl).
The point here is that as a dad that works away from the home, with a mother that works at home, I am required to re-orient myself upon entering the household in order to best support the current situation, yet I don’t have the information required to serve it well at the moment that my child comes to me when I walk in the door and begin to ‘help’.
This can obviously be even more true for dual-income parents who come home to a day-care provider or pick up a child at day care.
But the fact remains, if you don’t know what the current status is when you arrive, its challenging to play the right part that supports your significant other AND does the right thing by your children.
Any thoughts on this? I love the instant gratification I get when I walk in the door, but finding a few minutes to get a ‘download’ about what is going on is a challenge in the heat of the moment. It seems like an opportunity for improvement for dads everywhere (and anyone else who comes home from work to kids that have had unique experiences that are not well understood at time = zero).
-Jed
Hi Emily,
I just discovered your website and have enjoyed reading through some of your older posts.
As far as dads are concerned, I struggle with the micromanaging issue…not b/c I really don’t think he can’t do it “right”, but b/c I generally have issues with control! LOL (Typical teacher!)
Actually, our family dynamic is a bit different from most families as Daddy is a fire fighter. I feel strongly that children benefit from and find security in daily routines/procedures. Thus with Daddy being gone for 24-hrs every other day, I have just taken on most child care-taking responsibilities so that they know what to expect.
I struggle with this issue b/c I do want more participation from my husband with regard to child-rearing, but I just haven’t seemed to find that balance that works for everyone…daddy, kids, and mom!
Well of course Dads are no longer the center of the family dynamic when kids enter – the kids themselves become the center. Everything you do as a family revolves around them.
Like Jed, I truly enjoy that moment when I walk in the door and get swamped by my daughters. My 6 year old is always in a rush to give a brain dump on her day – I’m careful to give her time where I can sit down and give her my attention.
Lastly my wife and I have conversations about what is going on, and make sure to agree on the approach we want to take regarding any issue.
I attend a lot of birthday parties and play dates, and I’m constantly engaging with other parents with the issues of the moment and getting their opinions and outlook.
Thought provoking post. My husband (who I also hope will comment, at some point!) certainly owns the fair share of parenting in our house, things between us feel very “equal” in terms of time- we both work f/t, and take turns picking our daughter up, getting dinner ready, etc. Most of this is done separately, (there are many times we are not with her together, but separately)and has led us both to develop, in many ways, our own distinct styles of parenting with our daughter. I think this is natural in many respects (parents are going to have different styles), but has become more problematic recently in the area of setting limits, (how this is done, when, over what, etc.) because I want us to be aligned in this area. I certainly wish we had the time and energy to make sure we agree on any approach we take to any issue, as Tony commented above, but its more trial and error and learn as we go right now. I DO wish my husband would seek out more information on his own, I am citing things to him from books quite frequently, but don’t want to be in the role of the “educator”, either, or turn him off to even wanting to read these books! He is awesome, don’t get me wrong, his approach often works better than mine in many situations, but I wish we could be learning more, together. I do agree with the writer above also that many parenting books marginalize Dad, SO true. Its annoying! OK, now I need to think of some Dads to foward this post to, as instructed!
Thanks Emily for a great blog!
Here are my comments…
My experiences as a dad seem a little different than the ones reflected by the previous comments and even in the quote in your post from Jeremy Smith.
I wouldn’t describe myself as “a more laid back, learn as you go type guy” when it comes to helping raise my two kids. My wife is definitely the more laid back one, and I’m the one more likely to read a book, or seek out help.
I’ve found the books, CD’s and podcasts at “Love and Logic” helpful, and I enjoy reading the advice from Mark Gregston, director of Heartlight Ministries, who sends out weekly emails with “insights for parents of today’s teenagers.” Even though we don’t have a teenager yet, I feel like it’s never to early to start trying to figure out what that experience will be like! I also pick up insights and tips from the parents, students, teachers, and staff where I work.
In our family, I’m more of the “stay at home” component, though I also work full-time. Between my wife and me, I’m around our children more through-out the day as I go from my morning work as an assistant teacher (at a local preschool), and into my afternoon/ evening work as a private drum instructor. My wife helps get the kids off to school and is usually the one putting them to bed.
I’m driven by the desire to be a good dad. To be one of the “good guys.” I want to be a good, solid role model to my children and to the children I’m around. I’m learning every day how to do that better. But the weight of that responsibility and what it means to be a parent, weighs probably a bit too heavily (at times) on me. I figure you only get one chance with your kids and I want to look back when I’m older and when my kids are grown and say I did the best I could. Many days, I always feel like I could’ve done better (but I imagine we all feel that way).
When I used to work a 9-5 office job (soon after our first child was born) it bothered me that I couldn’t spend more time with my son, and that after work I was so exhausted, I felt like my son wasn’t getting quality time with me. I also felt bad that I couldn’t do more to help around the house. Now, I enjoy the fact that I’m with my kids as they go through their day and that I’m also free to manage our household as well.
As a man, I find I have much in common now with stay-at-home moms. On play dates with our kids, it’s interesting how much my experiences are similar to the other “moms” I am with. Frequently, this is where I “brainstorm parenting struggles and celebrate parenting successes.” But not all my play dates are with moms – I have a standing play date with another dad and his sons, and we are frequently joined by another dad who brings his daughter along as well. Both of these men, are also employed full-time, but have work schedules that allow them time with their children.