What if your child already showed consistent signs of being potty trained and now is showing signs of regression? While very frustrating for everyone, regression is also very common.
I initially found my daughter’s potty training regression disheartening and frustrating. The only time an “accident” ever happened was at school. It took me awhile to understand the reasons: difficult access to bathroom, toilet paper out-of-reach, ridiculously heavy door to bathroom, and the normal stress of starting preschool at age 2.
These were significant obstacles, but we were able to ease her angst and this common potty training issue slowly resolved itself. If you follow the tips below, you can get your child back on track too.
Tips to end potty training regression:
- Empower your child. Show her you know she can do it.
- Be consistent!
- Provide a lot of positive reinforcement for remaining dry.
- No negative attention and very few words regarding wet clothes.
- Regular reminders to go to the bathroom to help create the habit (even just the habit of considering the need to go to the bathroom). Not as a question, “do you need to go”, instead as a statement, “ time to go to the bathroom”.
- Encourage your child to help with cleaning up the messes (children enjoy helping; this is not a punishment).
- Be consistent (I can’t repeat this enough!)
- Don’t engage in long discussions, just clear, matter-of-fact directions and lots of praise (Check out my praise posts, because this is a critical piece).
- Do not turn this into a disciplinary matter!
What ever you do, don’t despair, throw your hands in the air, and revert back to diapers. It’s time to reflect on the process: stop the battles, recalibrate, and start fresh.
Experts identify the following reasons for regression:
- stress (new sibling, divorce, move, new school, any change in schedule)
- medical reasons
- natural regression that occurs with the mastery of a any new skill
- ignoring the body’s message
Keep in mind that recently trained children need reminders to go to the bathroom. This is how you can help your child to feel successful. Help her get to the bathroom on time.
Do not take “no” for an answer if you feel it has been too long between bathroom breaks. Honor what the child is focused on at the time, while also imparting the importance of listening to one’s own body (an important life message). For example (please extrapolate to your own circumstance), “I see that you are very focused on your activity, but it is time to take a break to sit on the toilet and then you can return to your activity.” This is not a question. This does not need an apology. This is a directive. Directives can be said in loving and assertive ways.
Your child will be inspired by your renewed faith in her abilities. Maximize this momentum!
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Thank you, thank you, Thank you! I was thinking about it alot before I got your email and realized that my frustration was showing too much. WE stopped focusing on the positive and more on the negative. I chilled out and she’s been dry all weekend. I’m sure we’re not completely there but it’s been pleasant. Your advice(which I forgot about and let frustrations move in) is bang on and works!!!
On one hand, I totally agree with this – with a 2 or even a 3 year-old. However, my son is 5 1/2 and for the past month has just had at least 2 accidents a day. He also doesn’t seem to care if he is wet. I have taken away his computer games and video games and it still doesn’t seem to make a difference. We have been discussing moving a bit…but honestly I am out of patience and at the end of my rope!
My 2 1/2 year old has always been resistant when it comes to potty training. She just does not like to stop what she is doing to go potty. The only way we made any progress was by going diaper-less at home, rewards and positive reinforcement for successful use of the potty. This got her more interested and she finally would allow me to take her to the bathroom (most of the time) when we were out and about. She has never told me she needs to go – it has always been based on when I thought it was time.
However, the past week we switched pull-ups (I’m convinced this triggered the regression) and she has since refused to go to the potty. She literally kicks and screams if I tell her it’s time.
Should I be “forcing” her to go?
Hi Emily,
We’ve been in the potty training process for about 4 months now. My child will be 2 at the end of this month. It seemed that she was doing it, all on her own. She wouldn’t even tell us sometimes, just run into the bathroom and go. About a month ago she went into regression. I think the thing that started this was starting a new daycare. But it’s been a month. She loves her new “school” and often says “love Dianne”, her teacher…so I don’t think it is stressful for her to be there. I read your post about it and we started to put into practice the idea of not taking no for an answer. Just telling her it is time to go. A month later things seem to be getting worse. She wets herself multiple times a day and doesn’t care that she is wet. I’m extremely frustrated. I praise her for going when she does. I don’t make a big deal about her accidents. I really don’t know where to go from here. I’m thinking of giving up, but wondering if I should try some sort of reward system first. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
My 23 month old daughter has been doing a great job with using the potty. So much so that we started wearing panties and no diapers. I noticed that she would rarely use the potty when she is at pre-school/mothers morning out. Often she will hold her urine until after her program. She doesn’t appear to be uncomfortable with this but I now think she is uncomfortable with using the ‘schools’ potties. Now for the past week she is having many accidents. I don’t think she has stayed dry at school and is having them at home too. If her teachers try and take her at school she gets very defensive and does not want to do it. She won’t even try. Only one time did she go when a teacher asked her to go – encouraged her several times- and didn’t help her. She seemed to really like the independence or control of handling it herself. But just that time it worked.
Any advice – I really don’t want to go back to diapers and I don’t think that is the right thing to do but I am really starting to doubt myself as to whether or not she is really ready – at least at school – since she hasn’t even shown us that she’ll use the potty there.
Thank you!!
Thanks for writing, Christine. I’m sorry that I wasn’t notified of your comment sooner. You are raising an important and common concern, which is mostly how to transfer the potty training that has been successful at home to other environments, right?
Generally the most successful way to do this involves these few strategies:
1. A primary caregiver should bridge the gap. So, for example, you could take your daughter to the bathroom at her preschool and allow her to go through the motions with you, but independently. Maybe you could do this at drop-off and pick-up for a few times. that often eases the stress of transition.
2. Let your daughter know that the teachers will remind her when she needs to try, and let her know that she needs to try.
3. Suggest to the teachers that instead of asking if she needs to go, that they just let her know that it is time for her to try. No worries if she doesn’t think she needs to, but she does need to sit on the toilet and try.
Recently potty trained kids often don’t want to stop a fun activity to go to the bathroom. There’s no point in trying to reason. Just let her know it’s time.
I can totally relate to your struggles. Like my kids, your daughter is potty trained at a very young age. They often need a bit more support. When my 2 year old was in preschool, she was the only child potty trained and the room wasn’t really set-up for independence around the toilet, so I had to take her a few times and sort of translate it to her sense of normalcy, if that makes sense to you.
Don’t hesitate to let me know if you have further questions.
My daughter is 3 and is in pre-school she was Potty trained before that. Now she has accidents at school and at home. She makes no effort to the potty. I did help her go potty at school, she knows. The bathroom is in the classroom and everything is at her level. The teacher would tell her time to go and she won’t. At home she helps me clean her mess and I will put on the pot and tell her this is where your pee go. I didn’t know what else to do so I put her back on pull ups and some days at school she won’t have any accidents and some days she won’t go at all. I need help please,
So mine is a little different…my 4 year old son who has been potty trained for a year now has, in the past 2 months, peed his pants twice (once being earlier tonight). I’m just confused…once was in the car in his seat…and then tonight’s was at church during his playgroup. He goes to public pre-k in the morning and another preschool in the afternoon…but nothing has changed…are these just purely accidents that any one could have…or regression of some sort? Help please!!!
Rest assured, this would not qualify as regression, which is the good news. It sounds like your son has just had a couple of accidents, which is totally normal, even after being potty trained for awhile. There’s no need to punish or treat it as anything other than a mistake. No big deal. I would encourage you to have your son help with the clean up as much as possible.
What do you do though when your child just doesn’t care that they’ve wet their pants. My son would sit in wet underwear all day if we’d let him. He’ll be 4 on Dec 20, and we’ve been trying to potty train him since August. I’m ready to pull my hair out.
It’s hard to say what is contributing to this, since I don’t know you or your parenting style. A few suggestions that might help, though, are:
1. start anew
2. have a family meeting, mark a calendar, involve your child in understanding why now and why it is important
3. potty train w/o underwear for a few days
4. potty train for day and night time simultaneously
Check out this post, if you haven’t already: http://www.childperspective.com/potty-training/toilet-training-the-older-child/
Good luck!
Thank you so much for this information. I did not know what was going on with my 2 yr old daugher or how to handle it, until I read your potty training regression article. I can not wait to start applying the advice. Thanks!!!!:)
Glad you found it helpful, Jerri!
My 3 year old had just recently started the potty training process. She did so great for about a week. It only took her about a day in undies and she was going #1 regularly on the potty!! Yay’s all around!! It took her a few more days to do #2 on the potty but you could see on her face that she just didn’t seem to feel right about it.
Well, a week ago, I went out and hubby was home with the kids. She had a #1 accident and he said she got all upset about it. He didn’t make a big deal about it…he changed her and she didn’t want to put undies back on. Since then she absolutely REFUSES to sit on the potty. She was holding in everything for a couple of days and it seemed that the only time she would go was during the night. I know that kids tend to hold in poops when they are just learning PT but I hadn’t heard of holding in pee.
So since then as well she has turned into a clingy monster. She will not leave me alone and insists that I carry her everywhere, including to the bathroom. She still tells us that she has to go, she goes into the bathroom but she will NOT sit on the potty.
Plus she is now having trouble sleeping in her own bed through the night. I wonder if these events are all connected or what?
I wonder if she is regressing back to all things baby because she’s unsure, embarrassed, insecure about all this potty business??
I am going out of my mind and losing sleep to boot, as I am the one who gets to get up and try to get her back to bed at night.
Thanks.
Our 3.5yo has been toilet trained for over 16 months now. We have just moved house two weeks ago and she is due to start prep school next week. She has over the last two weeks failed to use the toilet almost every time. It is so unlike her. She is used to going to childcare – and although prep will be slightly different she is really excited about going. So I can only put her reversion down to moving but with school starting next week we need her to be toilet trained again so she doesn’t embarrass herself at her new school. Have tried the above suggestions but she is yet to earn one reward. She is beginning to despair and grow more anxious as are we.
Hi, i am a bit concerned. My baby gal is 3 years and almost 2 months old. She is in baby class and had few accidents in school including peeing and poop. She is okay at home and no accidents. What should i do for her to stop the accidents at school. I fear her colleagues may laugh at her and she can regress more.
My son is almost 5. He has been daytime trained for more than 2.5 years now. He still wets at night (wearing a pullup) most nights, even though he wakes up & goes to the potty by himself. Some nights he wets before he wakes up to go & some nights he wets after he goes. This has been the norm for us & the Dr. said its not really an issue at his age.
Recently, though he has been having accidents during the day. Probably once every three weeks. And yesterday he had a poop accident, which totally confused me. He hasn’t done that in close to 2 years.
Any ideas?
Oh, Tina, I hear your frustration and can totally empathize. I’d like to offer you some other ideas and ways to think about this situation. It sounds like you might have identified the reason for his regression. Maybe he is having fear around this potential move. Try to stop talking about it when he is around and help him to feel secure where he is. As a teacher, I experienced older children regressing. While it may not seem like he cares, this is probably just a defense mechanism. No toilet trained 5 year old would not care if they are regressing with this skill. A skill which so automatically differentiates baby behavior from “big boy” behavior. Trust that he does care, even if he isn’t showing it in a recognizable way. Also, try natural consequences to his accidents.
A natural consequence to this would be cleaning up the mess himself. That way he is not getting any sort of attention from you (positive or negative) around this behavior and he is still expected to behave like a 5 yr old. He is old enough to take care of the mess on his own. During a nice time at home together, when there is not tension, talk with him about the accidents. In a compassionate, direct, and matter-of-fact way tell him that he needs to start taking care of his accidents. Together, the two of you can put some changes of clothes in a basket in the bathroom. You can put a washcloth near the sink or in a bucket, so that he can clean himself off. Put some plastic bags in the bathroom where he can put his soiled clothes. And with a small mop or rag, he can clean his mess if it puddles on the floor. This is a natural consequence. Giving him the responsibility shows respect and also creates more work for him as a result of the accident. It won’t take long before he chooses to use the toilet instead.
“Forcing” is not the right perspective, here. Instead think of it as encouraging and supporting toward feelings of success independence in this area.
Your daughter is old enough for you to talk with her about this. Here’s a plan I wrote in a previous post that pertains to your case:
Also, stop reminding your daughter to go and allow her to learn for herself when it is time for her to go. Empower her by trusting her abilities. Say, “I know you’ll go when your body needs to.” This is a nice, friendly reminder. She can do it. You have to believe it too.
Go for it and share your success story with us!