Thoughts on praise by experts Faber and Mazlish

Since my last post on praise, I have been reading, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by bestselling authors and child experts, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

The authors offer an important chapter on praise, which I highly recommend. They provide many more details, exercises, and examples than I can provide here, but I do want to highlight some critical points from their chapter.

Helpful praise describes achievement and it develops in two parts:

1. adult describes with appreciation what he sees or feels, so that
2. the child, after hearing the description, is able to praise himself

For example, when my daughter brings her dishes to the sink after a meal, I describe what I see, “You brought all of your dishes into the kitchen and put them right by the sink. That really helps me to clean up!”  She can now internalize that description and affirm herself: “I’m a good helper!”

Descriptive praise sticks and makes a strong impact. It helps children learn their strengths and is deposited into their “emotional bank”. You can undo the “your a good helper” compliment by complaining about lack of help the next day, but you can’t undo a positive description, such as helping mom by bringing the dishes to the sink.

This style of praise often motivates children to be more cooperative and to work harder than before. Do no take lightly the impact of our statements. Children depend on their parents to tell them who they are and what they are capable of becoming.

Kelly Corrigan says this matter of factly in The Middle Place (fabulous book, by the way). “He [Dad] told me once that I was a great talker. And so I was. I was a conversationalist . . . He defined me first, as parents do.”

Tread lightly and offer appreciative descriptions, even at times when you could otherwise criticize. Practice descriptive praise and take notice of the results.