We’ve already established that it is perfectly normal for siblings to swing back and forth between adoring and detesting one another. In fact, sparring and adoring both offer long term benefits and prepare kids for future close relationships.
Irregardless of whether your kids are in an adoring or detesting phase, here are some general tips that cannot be overemphasized when raising siblings:
Never compare. Celebrate their unique qualities. When you are tempted to compare children, stop yourself. Whatever needs to be said to one can be said without mentioning the other. Describe the behavior or experience without comparison to another child.
Strive for unique, not equal. Siblings often want things to be equal, but it’s a losing battle. Focus on the individual needs instead. For example, if your child wants two more strawberries because her sister had two extra, then simply ask, “Oh, are you still hungry?”
Never pigeon hole kids or lock them into roles. Give them freedom to change. Each time we characterize one kid as the shy one or the talkative one or the one who is always afraid of dogs, then we are pigeonholing that child. Children readily absorb these descriptions and they become defining moments for them.
Spend time with each child separately. One-on-one time is critical for staying connected. A different dynamic and level of connection happens between groups when more people are added. The same is true with family dynamics. The same way you may crave alone time with your partner or spouse to reconnect, your kids crave that special connection time with you too.
Hurtful actions need to be stopped. Intervening is necessary at times. Most experts suggest that violent situations must be stopped. Above all else, your children need to feel safe and secure with you. Young children should be helped through conflict resolution because they most likely do not have the skills to successfully manage the conflict themselves. Children 8-10 years or older who have good conflict management skills can be left alone to sort things through with siblings.
Acknowledge feelings. Siblings need to have their feelings about one another acknowledged. Not dismissed. If your child says, “He is so mean!” You can say, “You sound really upset.” Resist the urge to turn this into a teachable moment with, “He really isn’t mean”.
Model healthy anger management. Demonstrate conflict resolution and negotiation skills. Teach your children how to express disappointment, frustration, or sadness in a healthy and productive manner. If there are times when you can help your kids to compromise without violating an important rule or family value, then model this for your children too.
Sibling rivalry/conflicts will occur from time to time, but if you follow the 7 tips, your kids will benefit from these negotiations.
Before you click away to read the other posts or to share this one with a friend, take a moment and share your thoughts. Describe the relationship between your kids.
If you like a more in-depth look at sibling rivalry, I recommend two excellent books on the subject: Siblings Without Rivalry and Beyond Sibling Rivalry.
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My girls, ages 3.5 and 1.5, get along pretty well, but sibling “stuff” definitely comes into play. I have noticed that when the oldest is able to teach or otherwise feel more powerful than the youngest all is peaceful. About half of the time, however, when the youngest attempts to play or create separately is when the oldest gets upset and immediately tries to interrupt the younger one’s play by irritating her, disrupting her, etc. Most of the time I try and let them work it out, but I often feel for my younger one because her peaceful and independent play is so often interrupted. I am bothered by it as much as or maybe more than she is! Should I stand by and let the youngest stand up for herself or get involved?
Since your kids are so young, I definitely recommend guiding them through the resolution process. They haven’t learned the skills to do this independently, yet. Many experts suggest that they are not really able to before 8-10 years old.
Since you have identified a reoccurring situation, you could pre-empt those moments by inviting your oldest to do something with you, instead of interrupting her sister. You might even say to your oldest, “It looks like you want to play with your sister, but since she is enjoying some alone time, will you come play with me until she is ready?” Then she can say to her younger sister, “when you are ready to play, I’d love to play with you.”
This process will address numerous things, including indentifying and describing the emotion that your oldest is actually feeling prior to getting frustrated.
Does that makes sense?
This comment about guiding them through the conflict resolution process is so helpful. I have two boys that are almost 5 and 3. They definitely have an intense relationship– part of the time playing collaboratively and imaginatively together as the ideal picture of brotherhood, a good majority of the time bickering, inciting each other, messing each others creations up, etc. I’ve been so conflicted because everything i seem to read says to let them work out their conflicts on their own– but if they are really in a “conflict-mode” letting them go almost always escalates to unacceptable behavior (hitting, spitting, etc.)
So i do intervene, and try to walk them through conflict resolution. Sometimes at least one is receptive and they move on, sometimes neither one is up for working things out and they have to be seperated. But i always find myself feeling like i’m “doing it wrong” by interveneing.
I’m definitely going to check out the books you recommend. I am a happy only-child and this sibling stuff is new and overwhelming!
Hi Tamra,
Glad you found the comment helpful. It’s true that many parenting experts advise us to let our kids work their way through conflicts. My time as a preschool teacher in a classroom with kids ranging from 3-6 yrs quickly taught me the importance of having an adult to guide them through conflict resolution. The ideal goal of conflict resolution is to create a win-win, where all parties walk away feeling hear and respected. That rarely happens when left up to kids (especially young kids).
In fact, helping kids with conflict resolution is one of the primary jobs of a Montessori preschool teacher. The process teaches kids about negotiation, compassion, empathy, compromising, anger management, and healthy communication. These skills are not instinctive. They must be taught and modeled.
Siblings Without Rivalry offers a lot of examples about how to approach different situations in a positive manner. It’s a must-read! Beyond Sibling Rivalry goes a little deeper into the nuances of sibling relationships. Like you, Tamra, I am an only child and so I read everything that I can get my hands on to better understand this relationship.
Thank you for this info. I have 3 kids 7,5 and 2. They generally get along really well but sometimes are mean to their younger brother b/c he can’t “play” with them exactly the way they would like him to.
I try so hard to explain at the end of the day siblings are all they have so it is so important to me that they respect one another.
Our oldest has cancer so we struggle (and make it a point) to try and do special things for and with our 5 year old so she does not feel so left out. The past 5 years our life had to revolve around our 7 year old. I think we are doing an okay job with it but every now and again I get the feeling she feels let out. It is a constant struggle for sure~
tips on explaining bad dreams please i.e accidentally seen halloween images “stuck” in my childs mind
Hi Penny,
A few thoughts:
1. have child talk about and describe dream
2. empower your child to change the dream (be the boss or film director, turn the scary character into someone else)
3. encourage child to draw a picture about the dream and possibly change dream with the picture
4. write down a list of worries and use worry dolls or beads so that child can sleep worry-free
5. check out the book Tell Me Something Happy Before I Go To Sleep
I hope these tips help. Drop me an email through the contact page if you want to brainstorm more options.