Separation anxiety is relatively predictable and recognizable in young ones but can catch you by surprise in older children. Young or old, it can cause great unrest during the night, whether it is putting your child to sleep or middle of the night waking.
A little about separation anxiety:
New fears and concerns set in once your infant turns 6 months old. Separation anxiety often begins then and might intensify a bit later between 12-18 months. Anxiety peaks in young children coincide with the child’s newfound locomotor independence (crawling or walking). The anxiety is a built-in safety feature ensuring that your child doesn’t just head for the hills.
Is this anxiety creating resistance to falling asleep and leaving you (or you leaving)? Some children will try anything to stay awake and prolong their day with you. For these instances, you have two good options. Try them out and do what works best for you and your child.
- Stay present in the room until he falls asleep. Stay calm yet disengaged. You might pretend to sleep if you are snuggling on the bed. If you have a headlamp (found at outdoor recreation stores) or a separate chair, quietly read a book.
- Or, leave the room a little before your child falls asleep, under the guise of needing to do something and with the promise of returning soon. He is likely to fall asleep before you return. If not, sit away from the bed for a few minutes before needing to leave again. Slowly, your child will begin to trust that you will return and he will fall asleep instead of waiting.
In addition, try kissing bedtime snuggly objects a bunch in front of your child and explain the kisses will be there all night. Or, put a picture of you or other relative nearby. And/or, play a white noise machine. They do wonders for lulling kids into deep sleep and keeping them there.
What has worked for you and your family? Drop me a line with your current dilemma or solution.
Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the ten part series Quiet Night, Happy Night:
- The Never Ending Good Night
- Is Goodnight Still Taking all Night?
- Lowering the Child’s Bedroom
- Sleeping Around
- Is Separation Anxiety Causing Unrest?
- Calm Yourself to Calm Your Kids
- Bedtime Breathing
- Nighttime Fears
- Unwind for Bedtime
- Quiet Night, Happy Night
One thing that helped me when I used to snuggle with Miles to help him to go to sleep was breathing as if I were sleeping, a bit exagerated, slow and deep.
And a big second on the recommendation to use a noise machine. It always made a big difference for us. If you are traveling without one you can set a radio on static and it makes a similar sort of noise.
also, for what it’s worth… i used to feel SO ready for bedtime to just be done with, ready for him to fall asleep as soon as possible so i could get on with my evening. now that he either falls asleep on his own, or sometimes his dad snuggles him (i have a new baby who is usually in a nursing marathon at Miles’ bedtime) i really miss it. Like many other things it was a stage that seemed like it would last forever, but now i feel really sentimental about. I am grateful for the increased independance, but realize now how sweet and lovely that time was for the 2 of us.
I still haven’t solved this problem. I have tried sleeping together and leaving the room after he falls asleep but he still wakes up like 2-4 times a night to look for me. If I leave the room before he falls asleep it is not better. Still can’t get him to sleep through the night.
Andrea,
I’m so glad you mentioned the slow breathing. I also did this with my children. Especially when they were having trouble settling themselves. It seemed to just slow their momentum and lull them into never never land.
This practice of slowing down and breathing while snuggling my kids to sleep, was a significant light-bulb for me. It became my favorite stand-by for handling many of our household sleep issues. I quickly realized that when I was anxiously counting down the minutes til they fell asleep, they seemed to stay awake longer. It was the opposite result when I completely relaxed my mind and body. The process of relaxing myself simultaneously soothed whichever child I was snuggling.They would also fall into a deep, relaxed place where they quickly drifted off to sleep.
That’s another example of how the autonomic nervous system is still developing; and therefore, kids rely on others (especially parents) for cues. This leaves them deeply attuned to our energy and mood.
Dominique,
Every situation is different. Just like every child is different. And, just like every family culture is different. The first place to start is by trying to understand your child’s perspective. Really try hard to understand why he might be waking. Is he scared? Does he miss you? Is he hungry? Is he unsettled in other areas of his life? Is there a change happening for him or in your household? Is he getting enough physical activity?
Without knowing these answers, I can only make educated guesses.
Feel free to contact me by email if you’d like to go into more detail. I’m happy to help.