Sleep issues can be one of the most disheartening among normal developmental “stuff”. Kids often experience some sort of sleep disruption during the course of their development, especially infants and toddlers. Unfortunately, parents bear the brunt of these disruptions.
We’ve been through a few hum-dingers here, especially when our youngest moved out of our room and began sharing a room with her sister. But after creating a plan, setting some limits, and being consistent, we have come out on the other side grinning (even when any hope for change or a reasonable solution seemed grim, at best).
So, when I received this question from a dad recently, I could totally relate. Here it goes:
Our 3yr old and 1yr old share a bedroom We usually put the 1yr old down, easily. The 3yr old requires a more extended bedtime routine, with 2 story books and then sneak to bed, and more bedside time and story, trying not to wake the 1yr old.
When it comes time to leave, the oldest son acts up, yelling “Don’t leave” and makes all sorts of excuses, like, I need to pee, or poop – and he squeezes something out.
It is disruptive because it takes an unusually long time (2hrs) to get him settled, and he sometimes wakes his younger brother.
Children of this age (3-yr-old) resist bedtime for many reasons:
- most often they just want to continue exploring and are simply not yet ready for the day to end
- they do not want to dis-connect from parents (emotionally and physically)
- they may be becoming fearful about shadows, noises, etc.
While an older toddler may not be able to recognize and verbalize the first two, he can express fear. Fear is a real response that is often not rational and therefore cannot be reasoned away, but with enough encouragement and straightforwardness, can be minimized. Consider your child’s perspective and imagine how to best support his needs.
If, on the other hand, you think your child is just playing that familiar bedtime game because he does not want to go to sleep or separate from you, then it is time to make a plan, tell it to him clearly, and stick with it. The way you approach this and explain it to your child is the most critical step. It will make or break the deal.
Example: “Since your bedtime has not been going very well and you have been getting upset, we’d like to talk about and create a new bedtime routine with you. This is what we think it should be. (describe it) Does that sound good to you?When we say ‘goodnight’, we’ll only say it once. When we close the door, it is quiet time. If you talk or fuss, you will have to sleep on the bathroom floor. We want to try it tonight and we know you will do great! Make good decisions so that we can read 2 books and you can sleep in your bed tonight.”
Some tips:
- Set a book limit – and stick to it!
- Create a routine – and stick to it! (ex: PJs, brush teeth, goodnight to sibling, 1 book while sitting on the potty, sneak to bed, snuggle, last book, hug, kiss, and good night)
- Set limits and be consistent – if he fights the routine, then you immediately abort the routine and say goodnight. If he is crying loudly and disrupting a sleeping sibling, then he gets an uncomfortable consequence, such as: he sleeps on the bathroom floor. This will only happen once, if you follow through.
- Praise the good. When he does the goodnight routine well, then you acknowledge it right away and continue to praise the next day. Before the next bed time, clearly remind him of his successes and request the same behavior for this night.
- Give less attention for the negative and more for the positive – and stick to it!
What other suggestions do you have for this dad or any parent currently in the blur of sleep issues?
Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the series Quiet Night, Happy Night:
- The Never Ending Good Night
- Is Goodnight Still Taking all Night?
- Lowering the Child’s Bedroom
- Sleeping Around
- Is Separation Anxiety Causing Unrest?
- Calm Yourself to Calm Your Kids
- Bedtime Breathing
- Nighttime Fears
- Unwind for Bedtime
- Quiet Night, Happy Night
I was laughing at the idea of making a child “sleep on the bathroom floor”. Not many parents would want this, even as the harshest punishment. I am not a parent, I am a preschool teacher. I just want to say that I totally agree with your comment that “this will only happen once if you follow through”. So true. Often the things we threaten, and even follow through with, aren’t a big deal to us but we assume that they are to children. Pick something that is a big deal!
Great advice, as always.
These are all good suggestions Emily, thanks! We do have 1,2,4 and 5 in place. Sleeping on the bathroom floor – wow, would never have thought of that one, seems harsh!
We introduced a blue star reward, if the bedtime routine went smoothly – getting a blue star meant a “special” activity the next day, like swimming / going to the park or whatever fun. Well he no longer seems to care much for that concept!
Previously we had in place a “gold star” reward system for when he slept the night through in his own bed, this meant he earned one piece of candy the next day! There had been (and still sometimes is) a problem of him wanting to sleep in our bed.
It’s interesting to hear what people think of as “harsh”. Sleeping on the bathroom floor is a serious consequence for a serious issue. Choose your own serious consequence. But, if your child knows that you mean what you say (i.e., you follow through), he will never test this serious consequence and will not have to sleep on the bathroom floor.
If he does test it, then he is asking you to set some limits. Kids WANT limits and will continue testing until there are some.
there are periods of time when my 3 year old asks me not to leave her bed site. after a long day of parenting i can get aggravated. not to mention that when they go to sleep is when i start to work. so what i do sometimes is agree to stay by them if they will close there eyes and let me work quietly with my laptop. this way i am not anxious about work that needs to be done, and they feel good about me being right next to them when they fall asleep.
i think i am too tired to put up a fight at night and i know how much i love to fall asleep with someone besides me.
thanks Emily
Thanks a lot for sharing these useful tips. It is really bothering when the kids stay up late till the midnight, if not to have sleep disruption. Both are common to happen. I have some ideas now from you. Toddler Crafts Susan
Emily, I thought you were joking about the bathroom floor!
We deal with a lot of this right now. For my 3 year old it has a lot to do with fears. Giving her an uncomfortable consequence for coming to find us when she is fearful does not seem appropriate, obviously. Do you have any other suggestions for combating fears?
I’m also having issues with me going to be 3 yr old. I’ve tried (for the past 2 mths) to put him to bed with his brother (5yr old) but he keeps on wanting to come back over to our room. It has been a tussle trying to get him to stay in his bed and sleep in his room without waking up to 3 times a night screaming MOMMY!!!!
How exactly would you force a child to sleep on the bathroom floor?
I’m not a fan of the reward system, because it displaces the motivation to an external reward, rather than coming from within the child. The parents or reward is motivating the change or the appropriate behavior, and positive results are usually short lived, as you sighted. Plus, I want my kids to make the right choices because they want to, because they see the value in it for themselves as developing into independent beings.
Without #3, setting expectations for consequences, in place, your child will continue and continue to push until he feels the wall. If sleeping on the bathroom floor feels too harsh for you, then choose another consequence, but remember the point is to make your child uncomfortable. If the consequence is just not getting a piece of candy the next day, this battle will continue for a long time. Choose an uncomfortable consequence and stick with it!
something my friend did last week that has been working so far: her son is 6 and have so many fears it is hard to count.
so she made with him small wire people, before he goes to sleep he puts them under his pillow and they take all the fears away. so far it works. those dolls are come from the Bolivian tradition. they also have wish dolls etc.
worth a try
tali
http://www.growingUPcreative..com
Likewise, I grew up with a small box of teeny tiny dolls, called worry dolls. Maybe a Guatemalan tradition? Not sure. I loved those! More for there cuteness than comfort, but there must be something to that.
When my own daughter has experienced fear during the night, either my husband or I have held her and walked her around the house speaking in a soft, reassuring, sleepy time voice. We describe familiar things, “There is the bathroom, your hoppity horse, our dog, the kitchen. And look out the window, there is Sam’s house. Everything is just the same except the sun is sleeping” [or on the other side of Earth or whatever age appropriate language you choose]. This has helped both of my girls put their fears of the dark to rest. Fear is not rationale, but can be eased by positive experiences.
If the fear is due to separation, then try kissing bedtime snuggly objects a bunch in front of your child and explain the kisses will be there all night. Or, put a picture of you or other relative nearby. And/or, play a white noise machine. They do wonders for lulling kids into deep sleep.
Has he been sleeping with you until just 2 months ago? If so, try explaining to him that now that he is such a big boy he is able to sleep in a room with his older brother. Try “selling” it as a positive instead of worrying about his response. Be confident and matter-of-fact. Your attitude makes all of the difference.
If he has been out of your room for longer and this is new behavior that has started seeming out of the blue, then determine if he is scared or just wants you. Follow my upcoming nighttime series to read more tips and please continue to share your thoughts and experiences. All of the readers benefit!
I would enforce the consequence just like any other. If your child does not listen, then there are subsequent consequences.
That’s the crux of this issue.
Your child needs to understand that you mean what you say and you say what you mean. And, you need to understand your child! So, only pick battles that are worthy of battling and follow through. If you do this consistently, then your child will listen and cooperate more.