The authors offer an important chapter on praise, which I highly recommend. They provide many more details, exercises, and examples than I can provide here, but I do want to highlight some critical points from their chapter.

Helpful praise describes achievement and it develops in two parts:

1. adult describes with appreciation what he sees or feels, so that
2. the child, after hearing the description, is able to praise himself

For example, when my daughter brings her dishes to the sink after a meal, I describe what I see, “You brought all of your dishes into the kitchen and put them right by the sink. That really helps me to clean up!”  She can now internalize that description and affirm herself: “I’m a good helper!”

Descriptive praise sticks and makes a strong impact. It helps children learn their strengths and is deposited into their “emotional bank”. You can undo the “your a good helper” compliment by complaining about lack of help the next day, but you can’t undo a positive description, such as helping mom by bringing the dishes to the sink.

This style of praise often motivates children to be more cooperative and to work harder than before. Do no take lightly the impact of our statements. Children depend on their parents to tell them who they are and what they are capable of becoming.

Kelly Corrigan says this matter of factly in The Middle Place (fabulous book, by the way). “He [Dad] told me once that I was a great talker. And so I was. I was a conversationalist . . . He defined me first, as parents do.”

Tread lightly and offer appreciative descriptions, even at times when you could otherwise criticize. Practice descriptive praise and take notice of the results.

Did you know that praise is like a drug? That’s right, kids develop an actual chemical need for praise.

Parental cheerleading, when overused and overblown, can be an obstacle toward developing independence and may cause undue anxiety in some cases. Furthermore, it may lead to the expectation of an audience for even normal accomplishments.

Praise that is too general leaves the child wondering what it is that is being praised, and the child who is rarely praised is left to his own understanding of what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior. The child inevitably seeks attention, and therefore, will most likely choose whatever he knows will get him that attention, whether it be positive or negative.

Where is the happy medium?

The more specifically targeted the praise and in proportion to what was done, the more meaningful it will be to the child. For example, “You put the blocks away and now your friends will know where to find them. Good job!” I’ve turned to some experts to expand on this idea, which I have highlighted below:

Dr. Kazdin, author, psychology professor, and Director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic, emphasizes the quality of the praise. He notes that praise does not necessarily need to be verbal. It can be a hug, kiss, or simply some undivided attention.

Similarly, in Montessori from the Start, the authors site, “ …you can share his pleasure in that achievement with a warm smile. Such a low-key response indicates that you are happy for your child because you know that he is happy … Our goal is to help children appreciate that they are unique human beings and special to us.”

What is your tendency toward praise? Is there anything that you can do to make it more effective? I look forward to hearing how this resonates with you and your family.

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