Children misbehave every 3 minutes (some statistics say). The parent in me can find fleeting comfort in that. But the child development specialist in me knows that it doesn’t need to be that way.

Last week I checked out a new method for discipline and promised to review it for you. It turns out, much to my disbelief, that this simple method (with a lame name) has been immediately effective and appears to be a positive approach to discipline.

1-2-3 Magic

I checked out the video for 1-2-3 Magic from our local library, watched the video that same night, and then put the method into action first thing the next morning. The video proved to be a nice alternative to the book because Superdad and I could watch it together and in just 2 hours we had a plan in place.

Our day-to-day life has been better ever since. I highly, highly recommend this method by Dr. Phelan.

Two Reasons Kids Frustrate Parents

If kids misbehave every 3 minutes, think of how much time and energy we zap talking, threatening or punishing them.

We get frustrated with our kids for one of two reasons:

1. They are doing something that we want them to Stop (tempers, whining, hitting, etc).
2. They are not doing something that we want them to Start (cleaning the bedroom, putting away toys, doing their homework, etc).

Dr. Phelan simply calls these START and STOP behaviors. The method that I’m describing here is for Stop behavior.

1-2-3 Magic is easy to use and effective for kids 2-12

Often times the behavior we want to stop is testing and manipulation. Dr. Phelan describes 6 different testing tactics, such as badgering and temper tantrums. Let me tell you, 1-2-3 Magic works like …well, magic in these circumstances.

If your child does something that he knows is not okay (because you’ve talked about it over and over and over again) then stop talking. Simply count. Your child gets two chances and then there is a consequence. Let’s look at an example:

If your child starts badgering you for a toy after you have already said no, then you simply say: “That’s 1.” Wait 5 seconds. If the badgering continues, “that’s 2.” Wait 5 seconds. If it’s still happening you calmly say, “That’s 3. Take 5 minutes in your room.” End of story.

Quick tips for 1-2-3 Magic

1. Stay calm.
2. Explain the new plan to your child before you put it into place.
3. Give your child about 1 minute of “time-out” for every year of their age.
4. DO NOT discuss the situation when they return. It’s a clean slate.
5. Counting in this way is so effective, that it can be addictive. Don’t overuse it.

There is real technique to this method, so if you are at all inclined to put it into practice, I encourage you to grab the book or video for yourself.

Benefits of 1-2-3 Magic:

1. It’s simple.
2. Saves your energy.
3. Frees up more of your time for fun and connection.
4. Maintains your calm authority.
5. Eliminates the endless negotiations.
6. Gives children the limits and authority they crave.
7. Punishment is short and sweet.
8. When used appropriately, it’s highly effective. But, using it appropriately is a learned art, which is why you should read the book or watch the video.

Irregardless of whether your kids are in an adoring or detesting phase, here are some general tips that cannot be overemphasized when raising siblings:

Never compare. Celebrate their unique qualities. When you are tempted to compare children, stop yourself. Whatever needs to be said to one can be said without mentioning the other. Describe the behavior or experience without comparison to another child.

Strive for unique, not equal. Siblings often want things to be equal, but it’s a losing battle. Focus on the individual needs instead. For example, if your child wants two more strawberries because her sister had two extra, then simply ask, “Oh, are you still hungry?”

Never pigeon hole kids or lock them into roles. Give them freedom to change. Each time we characterize one kid as the shy one or the talkative one or the one who is always afraid of dogs, then we are pigeonholing that child. Children readily absorb these descriptions and they become defining moments for them.

Spend time with each child separately. One-on-one time is critical for staying connected. A different dynamic and level of connection happens between groups when more people are added. The same is true with family dynamics. The same way you may crave alone time with your partner or spouse to reconnect, your kids crave that special connection time with you too.

Hurtful actions need to be stopped. Intervening is necessary at times. Most experts suggest that violent situations must be stopped. Above all else, your children need to feel safe and secure with you. Young children should be helped through conflict resolution because they most likely do not have the skills to successfully manage the conflict themselves. Children 8-10 years or older who have good conflict management skills can be left alone to sort things through with siblings.

Acknowledge feelings. Siblings need to have their feelings about one another acknowledged. Not dismissed. If your child says, “He is so mean!” You can say, “You sound really upset.” Resist the urge to turn this into a teachable moment with, “He really isn’t mean”.

Model healthy anger management. Demonstrate conflict resolution and negotiation skills. Teach your children how to express disappointment, frustration, or sadness in a healthy and productive manner. If there are times when you can help your kids to compromise without violating an important rule or family value, then model this for your children too.

Sibling rivalry/conflicts will occur from time to time, but if you follow the 7 tips, your kids will benefit from these negotiations.

Before you click away to read the other posts or to share this one with a friend, take a moment and share your thoughts. Describe the relationship between your kids.

If you like a more in-depth look at sibling rivalry, I recommend two excellent books on the subject: Siblings Without Rivalry and Beyond Sibling Rivalry.

Related posts:

• The Hidden Benefits of Sibling Rivalry
• Friend or Foe?
• Curb Your Child’s Anger

First let’s swap out the word rivalry for conflicts. Rivalry implies that this strain in sibling dynamics is about one another (the rival). Sometimes this is the case, but more often the stressors are from outside environments (parents, school or friends). These stressors add fuel to a naturally intertwined relationship and conflicts arise.

My family has had our fair share of these conflicts in the past year, and I find some comfort in the theory behind sibling conflicts. Hope you will too:

• Sibling conflict is natural. Fighting is normal among all creatures who live together.
• Turn the conflict into a positive life lesson. There is no way to eliminate it, but there are good ways and not such good ways to deal with it. Conflicts can be weakened and children can learn very positive lessons depending on our management approach.
• Teach life skills. Conflicts gives ample practice in negotiation skills and conflict resolution.
• Conflicts can beckon a more closely-knit relationship. Kids who are always interested in or entangled with one another (whether violent or loving) show more promise of being close throughout life than those who are disinterested and ignore one another.
• Don’t pigeon hole your children. Siblings’ relationship with one another changes depending on stages of development and their evolving needs. Be aware not to pigeon hole or define your children based on these rough patches.
• Understand your kids’ temperaments. This single act is critical in all aspects of good parenting, including respectfully handling sibling relationships. Your kids’ individual temperaments will play a large role in how well they get along together.

(To learn more about your child’s unique temperament, join the Crash Course in Mindful Parenting).

Like a lot of parents, how I cope with my kids bickering depends on the day. When my kiddos really get going, I feel like this is never going to end. It’s like I’ve been sentenced to my family’s version of water boarding.

The best thing I can do for myself and my kids is to take care of myself. If I’m on top of my game, I have a larger pool of resources to draw from. When my tank is empty, I am more reactive rather than mindful. It takes mindfulness, for sure, to turn these conflicts into learning opportunities.

Check out 7 Tips to Minimize Sibling Rivalry to effectively address these issues at home.

I have written about anger previously in a short series. Today’s article is less about a major behavior crisis like suppressed anger and more about the frequent temper tantrums or moments of whining and frustration.

Photo credit: kakisky from morguefile.com

Strong emotions can be scary for children to experience, yet unfortunately, that fear or alarm doesn’t stop the emotion but rather adds additional fuel to their fire. Our job as parents beckons us to help our children learn to manage their emotions (as adults we need to be working on this too).

Just as it is important to understand what triggers your child’s tantrums or anger, it is also important to understand what soothes him. Ask yourself:

1. When he is upset, does he like to be held or does he like space?
2. Is he easily distracted or redirected?
3. Has he had enough physical activity today? Repetitive motion helps soothe frayed nerves (walking, running, jumping, swinging).
4. Can I slow down, meet him at eye level, and show him how to take deep breaths? Kids might reject this in the heat of the moment. It’s especially beneficial if this skill can be taught during a peaceful, calm time, like before bed. Place something (child’s hand, stuffed animal, book) on your child’s belly and encourage him to move it up and down with breaths.
5. Is he experiencing sensory overload (or “underload”, for that matter)?   Change the environment whether inside or outside. Fill the sink with luke warm water and bubbles for your child. Set him up with something squishy, such as play-doh or clay. Turn on some music. Get out the finger paints.

If you don’t know how to soothe your child, experiment. Make a plan and take note of what is effective. Be your child’s ally and begin to anticipate times when tensions might flare, so that you can help your child manage the build-up of tempers rather than just reacting to the tantrum.

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10 tips (plus a bonus) to curb your child’s anger:

1. Acknowledge feelings. Whether you understand or agree with your child’s distress does not matter. Instead of dismissing her feelings as overly sensitive or irrational, say something like: “you look so mad!”
2. Work to “catch” your child being good. Find every opportunity to say something positive especially when a child is particularly sensitive and relations might be tumultuous.
3. Write down a free-flowing list of the problems as you see them (include both parents, if applicable). Write down everything that frustrates you either in the moment or at the end of the day. This will lead to #5.
4. Talk with other people in your child’s life.Understanding what they experience and the pervasiveness of your child’s anger will give you insight into the depth of the issue and maybe even the cause.
5. Try to identify a common theme and/or trigger (reflect on #3 & 4).Understanding this will shed light on the root of the problem, which will enable you to make permanent changes, rather than temporary bandages.
6. Turn to resources, such as books or websites based on the specific theme or situation (sibling rivalry, school trouble, friendship challenges, perceived inadequacies or imbalances, etc). Yes, this takes time, but some aspects of parenting are not intuitive. Rely on experts to ease these struggles.
7. Prioritize the list of problems to address, and focus on one at a time. Action lists help to keep everyone focused and on-task. Place sticky notes around to remind you of the one focus for the week.
8. Create a tangible game plan. Read about my personal process with this here.
9. Present the plan to the child. In many situations, involving the children sends the message that helping them is very important to you. It also inspires and  empowers them to be an active part of the game plan.
10. Be intentional. Intentional parenting is in part about making the minute changes necessary to keep up with your ever-changing and evolving child.

BONUS TIP

Tell your child again and again how much you love them. Don’t assume your child knows how you are feeling. This may be a shock, but your child does not know how much you love them, how proud you are of them, or how often you think of them.

Be aware of children’s constant development and understand that what works today might not work tomorrow. For the same reason, what was a problem yesterday might not be as dramatic tomorrow or next week. With the appropriate intervention, these phases are often quick to pass, although it’s easy to question this in the heat of the moment.

I recently wrote in Curb Your Child’s Anger about a common feeling for children of imbalance in relationships. This is the root of much anger and has been a theme in our house recently as our daughter has been expressing this to her younger sister and parents.

It was initially surprising, then intriguing, but very quickly became absolutely maddening and kind of terrifying. Not that her anger was violent, but terrifying because we did not recognize this child at all and it was only getting worse, despite multiple attempts at intervention.

Now I’m doing the hard job of taking many, many steps back – almost trying to get a bird’s eye view of the situation. What is my child’s perspective?

What I see is painful for me, but I’ve learned (relearned, really) that my reactions (while thoughtful and well-informed) were only exacerbating the situation. I may have been saying the right words, but I felt annoyed and disgusted and those feelings always permeate.

This experience of imbalance leads to a cycle where the child feels yucky and acts that out → triggering parents anger → parents expressing those feelings of blame or anger → child feeling hurt and isolated by being blamed or scolded → increasing child’s level of anger→ all circling around with an ever-increasing ferocity.

In addition to implementing these 10 steps (read my own process below), I have recalibrated my own thinking, experience, and approach. I feel more balanced in my presence with my daughter again. I have somehow refilled my reservoir of patience, love, compassion, and admiration. The shift in dynamics has been dramatic.  She has responded with almost textbook-like results . . . except when she was hitting her sister before bed tonight, alas.

My process for addressing this anger was to follow the 10 tips to curb your child’s anger, including:

1. I read these two wonderful books: Beyond Sibling Rivalry and Playful Parenting.
2. I asked a good friend, whose parenting style I respect, to step in during play dates and address my daughter’s behavior (This offered me a break, other options for responding, and a significant message to my daughter that what she was doing was inappropriate. Most significantly, I noticed what my friend chose to ignore. I had been so frustrated I couldn’t let anything go).
3. I spoke with my daughter’s teachers and friends’ parents to determine if she was exhibiting this anger elsewhere, which would indicate a deeper issue. Fortunately, she was the same sweet child in all other situations.
4. I talked to my husband and we shared experiences, thoughts, and ways we thought each other could improve the situation.
5. I  reminded myself that my daughter was not always trying to get a rise from someone, but sometimes was just making the normal mistakes (rather than these horrendously amplified bad choices we had been seeing more recently).
6. I became extra alert to her sensitivities to try to understand what was setting her off.
7. I was more aware of how I was responding to her younger sister’s misbehavior and if it felt “equal” for the older daughter.

These are just a handful of the notable shifts we have made. It will be different for every family, particular situation, and child’s particular personality.

Please share your own tactics for addressing your child’s anger in the comment section.

“That’s not fair” is a frequently heard complaint from kids. In fact, it is often the pinnacle of their anger.

At this point, kids want to be able to explain the problem and their feelings. They want to feel heard. They want their feelings to be accepted. Unfortunately, when parents hear this cry, they automatically respond by reassuring the child that things are indeed fair.

This creates even greater frustration and anger, because the child does not feel heard or understood. And, it misses the point. Our goal as parents is to understand why something feels amiss to a child.

Reasons for “that’s not fair”:

1. It’s not fair = I don’t like this
2. Genuine imbalance in their lives and/or relationships

It can be difficult to tell the difference between the two, but I encourage every parent to take careful stock of the situation before brushing this statement off.

It’s not fair = I don’t like this

Unlike “I’m telling on you!”, “that’s not fair” is a phrase parents will hear for many years to come. It means different things at different ages.

A preschool child will consider differences in bedtime or seat assignments a fairness issue. School age children might consider strict rules around TV to be a fairness issue, while teenagers consider an early curfew an unfair act. These complaints reflect disappointment that something has not gone their way.

Rather than trying to reason with your child about why it is, in fact, fair, it’s important to acknowledge their disappointment or frustration. If the complaint is a reaction to an important rule (safety, health, etc), then stick with it. If there is a reasonable way to show a little give-and-take without compromising an important rule or value, then model this process for your child.

Genuine imbalance

Genuine imbalances can happen without us recognizing it as such and/or knowing how to change it. When a child behaves poorly, it often represents an imbalance. Maybe your child is stressed about demands at school or a challenging friendship dynamic or what he perceives to be an imbalance of time, attention, or love toward another sibling.

Children crave harmonious relationships and family life in the same way that parents do. When a child’s efforts to do well at school, or on an athletic field, or at home with a sibling receives our praise, support, and encouragement, that is a sign of the relationship being in balance. When these efforts are met with indifference, immediate correction, or disapproval, then the relationship quickly becomes imbalanced.

These imbalances take time to understand. With an older child, we can have a discussion, which entails being available and ready to listen. A young child is less able to reflect and pinpoint his own discord, so we have to imagine his perspective, through observation and honest, thoughtful reflection.

Once we feel like we understand the root of the frustration, then we must find the compassion and openness to address it appropriately, without being defensive. Read 10 Tips to Curb your Child’s Anger for more on this.

While this takes time, energy, and thoughtfulness, the rewards are ten-fold. I’ve experienced them personally. You can read about my own agonizing struggles with imbalance here.

Recently I was watching my daughter play with her friend in our backyard. My momentary appreciation for my daughter’s newfound independence was interrupted by the familiar words sung by her friend: “I’m telling on you!” These words immediately bring me back to my years as a preschool teacher.I spent hours upon hours teaching young children to speak to one another rather than immediately involving the adult referee who is to grant immunity and/or punishment.

Children feel empowered and develop a high level of self-respect when they are successful handling conflicts independently (or anything, for that matter), but they first have to be taught the skills.  While they experience all of the same emotions as adults, they do not instinctively know how to express anger and frustration appropriately or how to solve conflicts. As parents, we are their moral educators. This is a big job and should be navigated with the endpoint in mind.

My daughter’s friend (hereafter referred to as Friend and Daughter ) said, “I’m telling on you” and came charging toward me, before even telling Daughter what she did not like. I immediately stopped her. My goal was to redirect her to first try talking to Daughter, so I kindly said, “You sound very frustrated. I am happy to help you find words to say to Daughter, but we don’t tell on people in this house. Both of you are old enough to talk with each other when you are upset.”

Rather than taking sides or passing judgement during this conflict, I listened and echoed back the feelings that I heard or saw being expressed, giving labels and names to the behavior. “You look very upset and you’re frustrated because Daughter is not sharing her toy with you.” Friend flashed a grateful smile to me, confirming the basic fact that all children yearn to be understood and validated. I continue, “So, what can you say to her?” Friend: “I don’t know.”

I had her attention and trust now. She was eager to resolve this successfully and didn’t want to blow it with a wrong answer, so I provided her with something: “You could say, ‘I want to play with that toy too, so when you are done playing will you please give it to me?” Friend repeated this to Daughter, who said “yes” and immediately handed over the toy in question. Friend beamed a “thank you” and all was well in their world again. It only lasted a few minutes before I hear Friend sing the familiar song again. I begrudgingly resigned myself to a more parent-managed play date than I had intended, but was immediately rewarded with the children’s successes in expressing their emotions and resolving their conflicts.

My experience as a teacher informs me that this might be a regular conversation between these two friends for a short while until each one has learned this next level of resolving conflict. There is a piece of communication and emotional zing happening here.  I’ve said it before and I will say it again (and again and again): Feed the zing and you will experience less resistance!

Children yearn to understand us, since we provide context for this wide world. It helps us and our children when we are honest about our feelings, even our anger. Since it is a given that we will all feel angry with our children sometimes, let’s put the guilt aside and learn how to do it productively. How can we vent anger in a healthy way? Can we go BOMBALOO (to quote a wonderful children’s book) without causing damage and maybe even teach a positive life lesson?

Each child is highly attuned to her parent’s mood and energy, beginning before birth. Before the autonomic nervous system has developed, the baby looks to her primary caregiver for cues on her emotional state (arousal, recuperation, fight or flight, etc). This is a biological instinct that allows the child to develop a unique bond with her parents. This bond continues to develop as the relationship evolves, leaving children deeply tuned in to our energy and moods. So, when we present something different than what we are feeling, our children recognize this discrepancy, which leaves them feeling insecure and isolated. They want to hear words that reflect their parent’s true feelings.

The manner in which expressions of anger can be helpful and productive is similar  to that of praise and affirmation, in that the expression should be descriptive and in proportion to the related event.  Expressions of anger should avoid judgment and criticism, such as labeling (i.e. name-calling) and blaming.  It is okay to be very, very angry, but don’t lose control of yourself.  Do not treat your child like the enemy by being hysterical and attacking her personality or character. The more specifically the anger is  targeted and proportional to what was done, the more constructive it will be to the child.

Even though on some days the littlest things can tip us off, it does not help the child’s learning if we are as angry about a spill as we are about her hitting a friend. Differentiate a merely unpleasant and annoying event from one that is very serious or even catastrophic.  A spilt drink can be frustrating in many circumstances, but it is always an opportunity to  show your child that accidents happen and allow her to participate in the clean up: “I see you spilled your drink. That’s frustrating, but it’s OK. After you clean it up with a sponge, I will refill your cup.”  With a minor event such as a spill, we can observe our child’s reaction/behavior and modify our responses accordingly.

On the other hand, a rude or dangerous action often requires an immediate, firm, and abbreviated response.  No long lectures.  The child is not in a receptive state.  Later in the evening, during a time that is not charged with this event, have a broader discussion where you can calmly discuss the incident and introduce important  family values.

If you do find yourself swept up in the emotion of it all, which at times we all will, remember the words of the brilliant psychologist (and mentor to authors Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber), Dr. Haim Ginott.  He stated in his book, Between Parent and Child:

There is a place for parental anger in child education.  In fact, failure to get angry at certain moments would only convey to the child indifference, not goodness … This does not mean that children can withstand floods of fury and violence; it means only that they can stand and understand anger that says, “There are limits to my tolerance.”

Anger should be expressed in a way that brings some relief to the parent, some insight to the child, and no harmful side effects to either of them.

Anger is an inevitable, recurrent emotion, so it is futile to wish it away or to be ashamed when it rears its head. The best response for you and your family is to recognize and respect it. When your anger does make an appearance, give it the space it deserves, keep it descriptive and non-judgmental, and then follow up with your child during a less heated time.

Gwyneth Paltrow describes her process with this on her site, GOOP:

For more thoughts on anger management, check out these resources:

• Dr. Sears
• Berkeley Parents Network
• Anger Management Parenting