I was recounting the first leg of our road trip with my best friend and explained how we stopped about every 2 hours to run around (a quick walk, jumping jacks, game of tag, and the essential bathroom break). She responded, “That’s so good to pre-empt the meltdowns. I’m usually so happy everyone is doing fine that I just keep driving and inevitably they fall apart.”

I can relate to that. It can be so tempting to continue on and push through when all seems to be going well. Yet, it is harder to pick up the pieces after the fact.

What makes a road trip unbearable and what makes one pleasant?

Fortunately, we, the parents, have significant control over the success of anything, including long car trips. It’s all in the preparation and presentation.

In fact, my kids’ roughest car rides happen when we are driving short distances around town. This is when I am so grateful to drive a mama mobile where they each have their own row and cannot touch or grab one another. Regardless, there is something positive to be said for the results of all of the preparation that goes into a long car trip versus the spontaneous jaunts around town.

I have fond memories of road trips as a youngster and hope to recreate similar memories for my kids.  I have ignored strong advice to “break down” and get a portable DVD player. With a little effort, thought, and creativity we can have the same fun family time that I remember as a kid!

10 tips for the road-trip weary:

1. Tap into your child’s perspective (sound familiar?). Traveling can be anxiety and stress producing for kids and adults. Consider ways to keep your child feeling calm and secure.
2. Talk about the drive beforehand in a positive and exciting way. Do not introduce any feelings of drudgery. Attitude is everything!
3. Pack some surprises for the road (different markers, books, lollipops).
4. Bring good finger food and lots of water. Kids’ moods stay elevated when they have had enough hydration, which is easy to forget or ignore in a car.
5. Consider your child’s age, ability, and favorite activities. Anticipate ways to accommodate these on the trip. For instance, a portable table top was perfect for my 5-year-old to use for drawing and writing. This would have been uncomfortable and cumbersome for my 2-year-old who instead preferred playing with small animals in her lap.
6. Driving with kids demands interaction. Don’t expect otherwise. Work hard to keep it positive. I find good music very helpful.
7. Sing along, play I Spy, listen to audio books, tell stories, encourage games, such as finding all of the letters from your child’s name on road signs or spotting the numbers 1-10.
8. Bring a ball or frisbee to toss or kick at rest stops. Chasing bubbles works well for the youngest walkers/runners. Just 5 minutes of movement really helps everything and everyone!
9. Stop often and BEFORE the meltdown!
10. Help your child feel successful with this big adventure. It not only sets a good precedent for future trips, but also adds to your child’s sense of “I can do it”.

These are just some among many potential strategies for navigating road trips with nary a tantrum or outburst.

If you consider your child’s perspective, the trip is guaranteed to be more successful. It will be more fun. The kids will stay relatively happy and comfortable and arrive to the destination in better shape.

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Seeing the world through my child’s eyes has been the single best way for me to fine tune my parenting. When I need direction on how to handle a situation – from addressing sibling rivalry to how we arrange our furniture to simply choosing a birthday gift - I look first to my child. What is my child’s perspective?

But, how do we tap into our child’s perspective? It begins with observation. This is different than simply watching your child. You can learn how to observe here.

Believe me, I know that understanding your child’s perspective can at times feel like climbing Mt. Everest. Backwards. It does get easier with practice.

I encourage you to start bringing your child’s perspective more and more into your own awareness. You can begin this every evening after your child is asleep.  Reflect on the day from his perspective. Reflection is the key. The zen of it. The essence of it. Below are some sample questions to help guide you:

• Were there ways that he felt like he contributed meaningfully to the family’s experience?
• Did he feel listened to attentively?
• What difficulties did he encounter? Were they avoidable?
• Did he experience positive outcomes?
• What did he engage with in his unstructured time?
• Was the room safe and appropriate for him to explore independently?

With practice and commitment, imagining your child’s perspective will become second nature and hopefully encompass all parts of the day. This understanding and deep connection with your child will provide innumerable and unexpected benefits. I look forward to hearing your experiences with this, both the struggles and success stories.

You can read more on understanding your child’s perspective visually, intellectually, and emotionally, plus these bonuses:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly

In fact, studies have shown that understanding your child’s perspective has the biggest positive impact on your children. More so than anything else you can do as a parent! Yet, the idea of knowing the child’s perspective eludes even those parents with the best intentions.

There are three levels of perspective taking, as Jean Piaget explained : visual, intellectual, emotional.

Today I hope to provide you with enough detail about the visual aspect that you will be able to transfer this discussion to your own experiences. Future posts will examine the intellectual and emotional perspectives of children.

First, take a moment to imagine yourself the height of your child. Maneuver around your house at this height (crawling, squatting, kneeling) to gain insight into what your child experiences every day.

• Are her needs met at this level?
• Are their small chairs, tables, books positioned lower on shelves or toys located in easy reach?
• Is there interesting artwork at this level?
• Is your child’s independence supported at this level (dressing, eating, helping with household tasks)?

Aside from having a different physical perspective, with regards to height and size, on the world, children see other aspects differently too. Can you remember the way those classic children’s books looked to you as a youngster? Probably more vivid and illustrative than they do today. When you’ve read them umpteen times. Do you remember the way playgrounds and pools looked when you were very young? Gigantic and “alive”.

Consider now your own child’s perspective.

Have you ever brought your child to a festival only to  have her “freak out”? How embarrassing, right?

Your child was over-stimulated by the activity, movement, noises, smells, light, sirens, etc. Make note of this so that in the future you can prepare your child. Discuss those strong feelings and give her names for the emotions. This will help your child to feel respected, understood, and for her to understand what she is feeling, besides shame, fear, and discomfort.

Does your child spend forever gazing at something “mundane” like a bug, acorn, or flower?

Rather than scold, tease, belittle, or punish these unique nuances, work hard (very hard) to understand them. What is my child seeing here? How might it look different to her than to me? Have I seen this reaction or behavior before? When?

If you don’t know the answers to the questions, observe more closely and ask your child:

• What are you seeing?
• Can you draw me a picture of the festival? What was the good part? What was the bad part?

These examples are the hidden clues to discover how your child sees the world. Remember, we are not trying to change things we think should be different. We are trying to understand our own unique children and all of their attributes.

After all, we are their advocates. We are the ones who know them best and help them navigate this world. If we try to suppress the unpleasant, embarrassing, or ugly behavior, then our children have the enormous burden of struggling to accept themselves when those closest don’t.

Let’s honor and celebrate our children as people with personalities, quirks, needs, desires, and yes, opinions.

Subscribe here to follow the discussion and learn more about the emotional and intellectual perspectives of children.

Related posts:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly
• What is My Child Thinking?

Study after study has shown that understanding your child’s perspective has a bigger positive impact on your children than most other things you do. If that wasn’t clear, read it again!

It is not always intuitive to know how your child views the world. It is not always easy to crawl inside her mind, either. Yet, this is the most important work of parenting. Parenting is a job with a constantly changing job description. But, if you master this one skill, your job suddenly gets a lot easier!

Are you really too busy or too preoccupied to develop the single most important skill to being a good parent?

You may be asking: But how can I possibly know what my child is thinking?

Tuning in to another person’s perspective has three levels:

1. see – Think spatially. Literally, consider how your child sees the world. Hint: if you are blessed with the ability to remember how you saw things as a kid, then you’ll be one step ahead. If not, reflect on Alice in Wonderland. Like ants, children are small. Therefore, everything else looks much bigger. Also, things often appear more vivid and illustrative.
2. think – Imagine how your child thinks. Rather than imagining yourself in that situation, imagine your child in that situation. This can be an elusive concept to many, so I’ll come back to it in future posts.
3. feel – Try to understand how something might affect your child even if it does not affect you.

Some benefits for parents:

1. Life with kids will feel easier.
2. You will enjoy your kids more and have more patience with them.
3. You will be the role model you want to be by modeling this level of understanding and compassion.

Some benefits for children:

1. Children will feel understood and respected
2. Children will feel better about themselves and more connected with you.
3. Children will learn from your example how to be less self-centered and more concerned with others feeling.

I won’t pretend this does not take thought and consideration. It’s not a band-aid approach to parenting struggles. Rather, it’s an entire parenting paradigm; one that offers tremendous value to your relationship with your child.

Like all significant relationships, you must develop the ability to understand the other person in order for the relationship to be successful and thrive. This ability to step outside of your own viewpoint is a remarkable capability of the human mind. Use it!

Considering the child’s perspective is a significant and unique aspect of my coaching. If you’d like to learn more about understanding your child’s perspective, then subscribe here. Join in the conversation and follow along as I further dissect this parenting paradigm in subsequent posts.

Related posts:

• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly
• The World According to Your Child
• Crawling Inside Your Child’s Mind
• What is My Child Thinking?

Recently I have written about preparing the house for a child. This is a very broad topic, which I have divided into more specific areas of the house. This article will consider ways to organize all of those toys!

Please see the posts listed below for other areas (this will be expanding over the next few weeks):

• To “proof” or “ready” the house for baby?
• Kid-friendly bedroom

For better or worse, the separate playroom is becoming more and more common. While having this option helps move some clutter out of the regular living space, it does not eliminate the need to have various child-centered items in each room of your house. A playroom offers a specific area where the miscellaneous activities can be stored in an organized and inviting manner. Even if a separate room is not an option or preferred choice, the same thoughtfulness needs to be put in place for considering where and how to keep all of the toys. The more thoughtful you are around preparing the space, the more inviting it will be (i.e., child will actually play with toys) and will play more independently.

Tips for preparing the play space:

1. Instead of using a toy box, which quickly becomes unruly, keep toys neatly on shelves.
2. Place all toys within easy reach for your child.
3. Avoid clutter. With toys, less really is more! Children tend to focus on just a few activities for a stretch of time. Once they stop showing interest, switch the toy out with something else that has been packed away.
4. Consider your child’s strength and coordination when choosing the location of some toys. Some big spills can be avoided just by considering placement.
5. Have a variety of storage: open shelves, baskets, trays, etc. Use small baskets for toys with multiple pieces to keep them contained, ease the transfer, and encourage returning to the correct place.
6. When everything has a designated place, your child can easily maintain the order.
7. Consider appropriate flooring for messy areas (easel, play dough, etc.) and low tables for other activities.
8. Display beautiful things from nature (or items your child has found) on a tray or in a basket.

For help choosing the appropriate toys, read Choosing Toys Wisely.

Recently I was watching my daughter play with her friend in our backyard. My momentary appreciation for my daughter’s newfound independence was interrupted by the familiar words sung by her friend: “I’m telling on you!” These words immediately bring me back to my years as a preschool teacher.I spent hours upon hours teaching young children to speak to one another rather than immediately involving the adult referee who is to grant immunity and/or punishment.

Children feel empowered and develop a high level of self-respect when they are successful handling conflicts independently (or anything, for that matter), but they first have to be taught the skills.  While they experience all of the same emotions as adults, they do not instinctively know how to express anger and frustration appropriately or how to solve conflicts. As parents, we are their moral educators. This is a big job and should be navigated with the endpoint in mind.

My daughter’s friend (hereafter referred to as Friend and Daughter ) said, “I’m telling on you” and came charging toward me, before even telling Daughter what she did not like. I immediately stopped her. My goal was to redirect her to first try talking to Daughter, so I kindly said, “You sound very frustrated. I am happy to help you find words to say to Daughter, but we don’t tell on people in this house. Both of you are old enough to talk with each other when you are upset.”

Rather than taking sides or passing judgement during this conflict, I listened and echoed back the feelings that I heard or saw being expressed, giving labels and names to the behavior. “You look very upset and you’re frustrated because Daughter is not sharing her toy with you.” Friend flashed a grateful smile to me, confirming the basic fact that all children yearn to be understood and validated. I continue, “So, what can you say to her?” Friend: “I don’t know.”

I had her attention and trust now. She was eager to resolve this successfully and didn’t want to blow it with a wrong answer, so I provided her with something: “You could say, ‘I want to play with that toy too, so when you are done playing will you please give it to me?” Friend repeated this to Daughter, who said “yes” and immediately handed over the toy in question. Friend beamed a “thank you” and all was well in their world again. It only lasted a few minutes before I hear Friend sing the familiar song again. I begrudgingly resigned myself to a more parent-managed play date than I had intended, but was immediately rewarded with the children’s successes in expressing their emotions and resolving their conflicts.

My experience as a teacher informs me that this might be a regular conversation between these two friends for a short while until each one has learned this next level of resolving conflict. There is a piece of communication and emotional zing happening here.  I’ve said it before and I will say it again (and again and again): Feed the zing and you will experience less resistance!

Children yearn to understand us, since we provide context for this wide world. It helps us and our children when we are honest about our feelings, even our anger. Since it is a given that we will all feel angry with our children sometimes, let’s put the guilt aside and learn how to do it productively. How can we vent anger in a healthy way? Can we go BOMBALOO (to quote a wonderful children’s book) without causing damage and maybe even teach a positive life lesson?

Each child is highly attuned to her parent’s mood and energy, beginning before birth. Before the autonomic nervous system has developed, the baby looks to her primary caregiver for cues on her emotional state (arousal, recuperation, fight or flight, etc). This is a biological instinct that allows the child to develop a unique bond with her parents. This bond continues to develop as the relationship evolves, leaving children deeply tuned in to our energy and moods. So, when we present something different than what we are feeling, our children recognize this discrepancy, which leaves them feeling insecure and isolated. They want to hear words that reflect their parent’s true feelings.

The manner in which expressions of anger can be helpful and productive is similar  to that of praise and affirmation, in that the expression should be descriptive and in proportion to the related event.  Expressions of anger should avoid judgment and criticism, such as labeling (i.e. name-calling) and blaming.  It is okay to be very, very angry, but don’t lose control of yourself.  Do not treat your child like the enemy by being hysterical and attacking her personality or character. The more specifically the anger is  targeted and proportional to what was done, the more constructive it will be to the child.

Even though on some days the littlest things can tip us off, it does not help the child’s learning if we are as angry about a spill as we are about her hitting a friend. Differentiate a merely unpleasant and annoying event from one that is very serious or even catastrophic.  A spilt drink can be frustrating in many circumstances, but it is always an opportunity to  show your child that accidents happen and allow her to participate in the clean up: “I see you spilled your drink. That’s frustrating, but it’s OK. After you clean it up with a sponge, I will refill your cup.”  With a minor event such as a spill, we can observe our child’s reaction/behavior and modify our responses accordingly.

On the other hand, a rude or dangerous action often requires an immediate, firm, and abbreviated response.  No long lectures.  The child is not in a receptive state.  Later in the evening, during a time that is not charged with this event, have a broader discussion where you can calmly discuss the incident and introduce important  family values.

If you do find yourself swept up in the emotion of it all, which at times we all will, remember the words of the brilliant psychologist (and mentor to authors Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber), Dr. Haim Ginott.  He stated in his book, Between Parent and Child:

There is a place for parental anger in child education.  In fact, failure to get angry at certain moments would only convey to the child indifference, not goodness … This does not mean that children can withstand floods of fury and violence; it means only that they can stand and understand anger that says, “There are limits to my tolerance.”

Anger should be expressed in a way that brings some relief to the parent, some insight to the child, and no harmful side effects to either of them.

Anger is an inevitable, recurrent emotion, so it is futile to wish it away or to be ashamed when it rears its head. The best response for you and your family is to recognize and respect it. When your anger does make an appearance, give it the space it deserves, keep it descriptive and non-judgmental, and then follow up with your child during a less heated time.

Gwyneth Paltrow describes her process with this on her site, GOOP:

For more thoughts on anger management, check out these resources:

• Dr. Sears
• Berkeley Parents Network
• Anger Management Parenting