Parenting experts are ruining our kids.

But before I nose dive into that swamp, let me tell you a story. It’s a story that was told on an episode of NBC’s West Wing. It’s about NASA’s Zero Gravity Pen.

When NASA first started sending astronauts into space in the 1960′s, they quickly realized that regular pens did not work in zero gravity. The ink wouldn’t flow through the pen. So they spent the next decade (and nearly $1.5 million dollars) developing a pen that would work in space.

The Russians had the same problem. So they used a pencil.

I tell this story (it’s an urban legend, actually) to highlight an important point: we often spend large amounts of time and effort creating elaborate solutions to problems when simple answers are right under our noses.

Parenting experts are no different. Experts create a bewildering array of elaborate and contradictory solutions to parenting conundrums. Parents grasp for one solution and then another hoping to solve the current problem.

What Happens When You Don’t Trust Your Gut

How many times have you cracked open a new parenting book searching for answers? You hope to resolve your child’s behavior, which is sabotaging your family’s happiness. Yet when you actually try to apply this sage advice, it falls flat with a THUD! No drastic changes. Certainly nothing close to what the authors described.

This is simply because every child is different. Just like every adult is unique in her personality make-up, life experiences, temperament, and preferences, every child is unique too. It makes the experts’ cookie cutter solutions shaky, at best.

But here’s the thing, parents, our solution is right in front of us. It’s our own children.

Getting to know your child is the very best way to begin solving most problems. In fact, you’ll find the solution to many problems just through the act of really coming to understand your child’s perspective. Yup, that’s what I’m here to help you with.

See, every kid is unique. And while this sounds cliche’, it’s significance is also completely underestimated.

5 Ways to Get Your Parenting Mojo Back

1. Observe your child. Take time to unobtrusively observe behavior, mood, preferences.
2. Look for patterns. Realize that there is a reason behind everything your child does. Discovering the reason will help you significantly.
3. See beyond the momentary crises. Parent the whole child by regularly reflecting on your child’s behavior and disposition.
4. Accept your child’s temperament. Understand the individual characteristics that make up your child’s personality. They’re called temperament traits and aren’t likely to change, so you might as well learn to support them. (I’ll post more on temperaments soon).
5. Love the child you have. Put aside your assumptions or expectations and accept your child in all of her glory.

Taking time to really understand your child and your child’s perspective is one of the most influential parenting choices you can make, studies show. Understanding your child will help you determine the reason behind a particular behavior or concern. It will help your reaction to be more aligned with your child’s needs, thereby nurturing his growth and development.

By understanding your own child, you become the parenting expert. It is still important to refer to others for help at times, but you will be more targeted and successful in your approach by following your child’s lead. Learn from NASA and don’t try to reinvent the pencil. The solution is right there in front of you.

Child Perspective aims to help you better understand your own child. Subscribe by email to receive regular tips and guidance. Oh, and don’t be greedy Press that SHARE button and help other parents too.

Related article:

• #1 Parenting Secret

In my parent coaching practice, I’m often asked, “How can I cope with – or turn around – my picky eater?”

The answer varies depending on the child and family, of course, but a few general principles apply to all kids and families. It’s important to understand that  kids are picky eaters for a variety of reasons, least of which is just to be difficult.

Why Kids Don’t Beg for Brussel Sprouts:

1. they are biologically wired to resist bitter flavors and seek out sweet flavors
2. they may have limited exposure to a variety of tastes, textures, colors
3. they may not have healthy eating models
4. they may have sensory problems such as hypersensitivity to smells and tastes or “oral defensiveness” (Sometimes the child might require professional intervention with an occupational therapist for support.)

Usually these issues can be addressed simply by broadening the child’s food experiences. As trying and demoralizing as it can be, continue to offer multiple healthful choices, so that your child can pick and choose. Even if it’s been refused before, continue to offer it with confidence.

Tips to Encourage Healthy Eating:

• Expose your child to previously rejected food over and over again. It takes 15 exposures before children acquire specific tastes.
• Model a healthy relationship with food. Oooh and ahhh over vegetables the same way you might a slice of cake or scoop of ice cream.
• Talk about eating all of the colors of the rainbow. Encourage adventurous eating. Have your child choose a new fruit or vegetable at the store or farmer’s market to try.
• Prepare healthful snacks (fresh fruit and veggies) so they are easily accessible. Make these available when kids are their hungriest (just before a meal).
• Encourage and give positive reinforcement for adventurous, healthy eating.
• Teach about the importance of good nutrition (Think about reasons that matter to kids – grow tall, have strong bones and muscles, run fast)
• Give your child some control. Let him help with shopping or cooking or planning a meal and allow him to choose 1 of 2 new foods to try at a meal.
• Growing Food. Call healthy food, “growing food”. Kids value growing much more than being healthy.

Some kids will always eat anything. Some kids will become more adventurous with more exposure. Some kids will ebb and flow with their preferences. Like so many things parenting, it’s all in the presentation. If there is a negative charge in the food dynamic, take a step back and stop pushing. And by all means, DO NOT label your child as a picky eater. Once you do, you will have a picky eater. And a power struggle.

Easy tip: While I cook dinner, my kids each chomp on a whole, peeled carrot. They love these and I can feel good about it too. It eliminates (or minimizes) that end of the day grouchiness. Hunger and exhaustion are often the culprits, and a healthy snacks tends to eliminate as much of that grouchiness as possible.

Healthy Family Cookbooks:

Deceptively Delicious, by Jessica Seinfeld (Jerry’s wife). This is a great cookbook for those wanting to conceal the vegetables. I find it particularly useful for getting veggies into baked goods.

Organic Baby & Toddler Cookbook, by Lizzie Vann. This book is full of easy, tasty everyday recipes.

Feeding the Whole Family, by Cynthia Lair. A book filled with flavor-FULL meal ideas using only whole foods. It’s a great start for introducing lots of different flavors to your wee ones that you’ll enjoy too.

Showing Our Love of the Earth All Year Long

Celebrating the seasons is one way that my family celebrates the Earth all year long. In Snowshoeing in an Avalanche I described how we tie the winter solstice celebrations into Hannukah and Christmas. We strive to do this sort of thing in the beginning of each new season. We talk about the ever-changing amounts of light and dark (or day and night).

This spring we talked about there being equal parts light and dark on the equinox. We noticed the budding leaves on the trees trees and spring flowers. The spring bunnies brought baskets for my kids on the first day of spring. We wove in conversations about how bunnies, lambs, and eggs were once a symbol of spring, but have been commercialized into symbols of Easter. By the way, eggs and lambs are also symbols of Passover.

Another way to celebrate the earth is to always be mindful of our consumption and waste. Sometimes we talk about what we choose to throw away, compost, or recycle. We also try to bring awareness to cleaning up litter. We especially like to do this when we visit the ocean. Nothing makes trash look more, well, trashy than when it is on a pristine beach.

Because my husband and I are hippies at heart, caring for Mother Earth is ingrained in us. It’s a passion, a commitment, a lifestyle. We’re mindful to educate our children around this necessity too.

Ways to Begin Acknowledging the Earth to Kids

1. Observe or study living things. Talk about the cycle of plants from seed to plant. Dig in the dirt. Find bugs. Look for animals. Listen for birds. Find their habitats.
2. Show respect for all living things. This isn’t about being a vegetarian or a gardener. It’s simply a child’s first lessons that there are other living things sharing Earth and we need to share well.
3. Hold a globe. Talk about the planet. Talk about the shape. Talk about it spinning and rotating. Show the land and the water. Introduce the importance of clean water and how the waterways connect to the oceans.
4. Discuss waste. Talk about where our trash goes. Talk about recycling and composting. Make a list of ways to reduce your waste. Recycle used goods by donating.
5. Make a family resolution. Choose something everyone in the family can do all year long to help the earth (great family meeting topic!)
6. Earth Day crafts. If you are looking for crafty ideas, I’ll link you to some creative folks. Feel free to share your favorite links in the comment section.

• • Plastic Bag Flowers
  • Earth Day Banner
  • Earth Day Crafts
  • The Recycling Box

Treat Earth Day Like a Birthday Party for the Earth

I love Earth Day. It’s like a birthday party. It’s a day to celebrate, but certainly not the only day to reflect on and pay attention to our planet. How will you celebrate Earth Day with your kids?

It’s that time of year when there is a lot of focus on school. At least here in the US. Certainly here in my house.

Most schools in the US still operate on the traditional school calendar. This allows us to really engage our children in the chores of home throughout the summer. They can harvest the wheat, plant the tomatoes, or paint the fence along the pasture. Oh, you don’t have a farm either? Well, then they can go to camp, swim at a pool, sit in front of the TV, and drift through pangs of boredom.

While summer may feel like a long time off (after all, spring just started this past weekend), schools are busy working toward the end of this school year and planning for the next. This preparation has added a heaping to-do list for me, as I’ve just completed the daunting task of navigating our local public school system. This took NIH level research and unanticipated hours observing in classrooms at various schools.

This diligent effort has paid off. My daughter will be attending an acceptable public school, which unfortunately is not a tax-payer right in our fair city.

I could take this school discussion in innumerable directions, as I have with my friends and neighbors. But, I’ll leave that for you in the comment section. I’ll just say that I am grateful to have the time, wherewithall, and resources to traverse our school district’s confusing website, conflicting school policies, to gain understanding of our few but precious unstated options.

This hoopla has me keenly watching President Obama’s Race to the Top school reform with which he hopes to tackle the widening achievement gap. He is proposing to reward teachers for “excellence in the classroom”, which hopefully will not be measured  solely by test scores. Test scores alone do not reflect the excellence of a teacher. (read Bill Maher’s piece, Let’s Not Fire the Teachers When the Students Don’t Learn — Let’s Fire the Parents and John Legend’s rebuttal, Bill Maher, You’re Wrong on Education)

All of this buzz has me wondering about your thoughts and situation. How do you recognize excellence in a teacher? What do you like to see in a classroom or school? Is it enough that your kids are happy in school, or are you looking for more?

Related reading:

• Building a Better Teacher
• The Stupid Trouble Maker
• Does Your Child Have Innovators DNA?

Tips to Help Kids Roll With the Time Change

1. Begin shifting the child’s bedtime. Put him to sleep a few minutes earlier each night for a few nights before the clock changes. The shift should be subtle enough that the child is still able to fall asleep.
2. Spend time outside. Being in the natural light automatically helps one’s internal clock adjust. Exposure to bright light in the morning (even the indoor kind) is said to help.
3. Be active. Loads of physical activity is critical for kids on so many levels. For the purposes of this tip, physical activity will help ensure that your child falls asleep more easily at night.

There are very useful techniques for helping your child wind down at night. This is a good time to employ these techniques. You can learn more about them here:

Unwind for Bedtime , Bedtime Breathing, Calm Yourself to Calm Your Kids

Overview

When Betsy Evans wrote You’re Not My Friend Anymore!, she hoped to make the problem-solving or conflict resolution aspect of parenting easily accessible and maybe even fun. She has accomplished this goal by creating a simple, yet very dynamic book.

This book puts common behavior issues under a microscope and then offers problem-solving solutions in 6 steps. The book dissects the common behavioral challenges using both text and cartoon illustrations.

Evans demonstrates to parents how to look for the opportunity or teachable moment in a conflict, rather than focusing on a disciplinary action. Conflict resolution is not an innate ability. Evans recognizes this and advocates for involving children in the problem-solving process. Through involvement, kids are coached and trained in conflict resolution, all by using these 6 steps:

1. Approach calmly, stopping any hurtful actions.
2. Acknowledge children’s feelings.
3. Gather information.
4. Restate the problem.
5. Ask for ideas for solutions and choose one together.
6. Be prepared to give follow-up support.

What I Like About the Book

I really enjoyed all aspects of the book. The set-up is consistent and easy to understand. The combination of illustrations (by the talented Jonathon Wilcox) and text simplify very complex situations. Since conflicts can be so frustrating, it’s really helpful to see them illustrated and analyzed from different perspectives.

You’re Not My Friend Anymore! is filled with a spectrum of common behavior issues, such as sharing, excluding children, separation anxiety, biting, etc. Evans makes these issues very easy to tackle. The 6 steps for problem solving work beautifully for the various scenarios.

If you’ve ever read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, you know how useful those illustrations were in bringing the scenarios to life. Similarly, You’re Not My Friend Anymore! provides illustrations of  1). typical responses to these behavior issues and 2). problem-solving responses to these issues.

Recommendation

I recommend that all parents, teachers, and caregivers read You’re Not My Friend Anymore! This book is a must-read for anyone who will be in the presence of children during a conflict. Parents should keep this one in their parenting toolbox for quick reference.

You will continue to see links to this book in future Child Perspective articles because it compliments my parenting methodology so perfectly.

For most, it’s the morning to-do list that creates the power struggle and frustration, but for some kids it’s simply hard to wake up and get going. For others, saying goodbye is a long dreaded event.

Waking up: If your child is struggling to wake up in the morning, consider an earlier bedtime. You can alleviate any hesitations around this by reminding yourself that most kids do not get enough sleep and it is negatively impacting their overall performance. In addition, you can employ a strategy that has great success for adults: an alarm clock. Choose either a sunrise alarm clock (light that gradually gets brighter to mimic the sunrise) or a regular alarm set quietly to music.

Saying goodbye:  If saying goodbye is the challenging time for your child, then talk about it at a time when you know he will be relaxed and receptive. Don’t initiate this conversation in the midst of a situation when you are trying to leave. Save it for the family meeting.

In the meeting you can clarify your needs or expectations and explain why they are important to you. Your child will appreciate hearing some details about your day. This information might help him accept why you need to leave. “I need to drive to work so that I can write on the computer” (fill in the blank).

A conversation about this should always be a two-way street. Find out what part of leaving makes him sad. Ask how you can help him not feel sad. Create a secret handshake or other way to say goodbye that feels special and authentic. The Kissing Hand is a great book for talking about this with kids.

In general, it is always advantageous to prepare your child. Preparing him for the day might include saying, “When I drop you off at daycare, I’ll take off your jacket and then give you a big hug. I’ll need to leave quickly so that I can go to work. I’ll be thinking about you all morning and will see you after lunch. Then we can read a book together.”

If your child struggles in the morning or you are having a hard time getting out the door with your nerves intact, shoot me an email and let’s brainstorm solutions.

Irregardless of whether your kids are in an adoring or detesting phase, here are some general tips that cannot be overemphasized when raising siblings:

Never compare. Celebrate their unique qualities. When you are tempted to compare children, stop yourself. Whatever needs to be said to one can be said without mentioning the other. Describe the behavior or experience without comparison to another child.

Strive for unique, not equal. Siblings often want things to be equal, but it’s a losing battle. Focus on the individual needs instead. For example, if your child wants two more strawberries because her sister had two extra, then simply ask, “Oh, are you still hungry?”

Never pigeon hole kids or lock them into roles. Give them freedom to change. Each time we characterize one kid as the shy one or the talkative one or the one who is always afraid of dogs, then we are pigeonholing that child. Children readily absorb these descriptions and they become defining moments for them.

Spend time with each child separately. One-on-one time is critical for staying connected. A different dynamic and level of connection happens between groups when more people are added. The same is true with family dynamics. The same way you may crave alone time with your partner or spouse to reconnect, your kids crave that special connection time with you too.

Hurtful actions need to be stopped. Intervening is necessary at times. Most experts suggest that violent situations must be stopped. Above all else, your children need to feel safe and secure with you. Young children should be helped through conflict resolution because they most likely do not have the skills to successfully manage the conflict themselves. Children 8-10 years or older who have good conflict management skills can be left alone to sort things through with siblings.

Acknowledge feelings. Siblings need to have their feelings about one another acknowledged. Not dismissed. If your child says, “He is so mean!” You can say, “You sound really upset.” Resist the urge to turn this into a teachable moment with, “He really isn’t mean”.

Model healthy anger management. Demonstrate conflict resolution and negotiation skills. Teach your children how to express disappointment, frustration, or sadness in a healthy and productive manner. If there are times when you can help your kids to compromise without violating an important rule or family value, then model this for your children too.

Sibling rivalry/conflicts will occur from time to time, but if you follow the 7 tips, your kids will benefit from these negotiations.

Before you click away to read the other posts or to share this one with a friend, take a moment and share your thoughts. Describe the relationship between your kids.

If you like a more in-depth look at sibling rivalry, I recommend two excellent books on the subject: Siblings Without Rivalry and Beyond Sibling Rivalry.

Related posts:

• The Hidden Benefits of Sibling Rivalry
• Friend or Foe?
• Curb Your Child’s Anger

First let’s swap out the word rivalry for conflicts. Rivalry implies that this strain in sibling dynamics is about one another (the rival). Sometimes this is the case, but more often the stressors are from outside environments (parents, school or friends). These stressors add fuel to a naturally intertwined relationship and conflicts arise.

My family has had our fair share of these conflicts in the past year, and I find some comfort in the theory behind sibling conflicts. Hope you will too:

• Sibling conflict is natural. Fighting is normal among all creatures who live together.
• Turn the conflict into a positive life lesson. There is no way to eliminate it, but there are good ways and not such good ways to deal with it. Conflicts can be weakened and children can learn very positive lessons depending on our management approach.
• Teach life skills. Conflicts gives ample practice in negotiation skills and conflict resolution.
• Conflicts can beckon a more closely-knit relationship. Kids who are always interested in or entangled with one another (whether violent or loving) show more promise of being close throughout life than those who are disinterested and ignore one another.
• Don’t pigeon hole your children. Siblings’ relationship with one another changes depending on stages of development and their evolving needs. Be aware not to pigeon hole or define your children based on these rough patches.
• Understand your kids’ temperaments. This single act is critical in all aspects of good parenting, including respectfully handling sibling relationships. Your kids’ individual temperaments will play a large role in how well they get along together.

(To learn more about your child’s unique temperament, join the Crash Course in Mindful Parenting).

Like a lot of parents, how I cope with my kids bickering depends on the day. When my kiddos really get going, I feel like this is never going to end. It’s like I’ve been sentenced to my family’s version of water boarding.

The best thing I can do for myself and my kids is to take care of myself. If I’m on top of my game, I have a larger pool of resources to draw from. When my tank is empty, I am more reactive rather than mindful. It takes mindfulness, for sure, to turn these conflicts into learning opportunities.

Check out 7 Tips to Minimize Sibling Rivalry to effectively address these issues at home.

Even if you perceive your own relationship with money to be healthy, it is a big responsibility to teach your child sound financial values. Even harder if you recognize that your own relationship with money is out of whack.

This series will help you to guide your child down the road toward a healthy financial outlook that is rich will gratitude and generosity. Subscribe here to get started.

The foundation to a healthy relationship with money is achieved with some thoughtful language and modeling. Below are seven good points to keep in mind:

1. When it comes to teaching kids about money, sooner is better.
2. Teach your kids that people can spend, save, and give away their money.
3. Teach them that money achieves necessities (food and shelter) and goals (traveling, philanthropy, etc).
4. Introduce the idea that people have different priorities for their money. Make a point to discuss your priorities with your child. Help them to create their own priorities.
5. Be mindful of your word choices. Rather than saying, “I have to go to work now.” Say, “I get to go to work now. I work so that we can have money to buy food or visit grandma and grandpa or so that you can go to school.”
6. Homeless people or those less fortunate will inevitably be a topic of concern for your child. How will you address this?
7. Give your child money so he can gain experience with it. I’ll talk much more about how to do this in an upcoming post. But just a word of warning – when you give your child the opportunity to have some money to spend, remember that there will be “mistakes”. Better to experience mistakes on a small scale when he’s young.  This way he can learn the importance of making good choices with money before the stakes go up.

Future posts will look at the art of giving and receiving as well as the importance of allowance for kids. Stay tuned, because you might be surprised by the post on allowances. If you’d like to follow this series, subscribe here and the posts will arrive in your email inbox.

Related post:

• Top Rated Gift for Every Child
• Raising a Financially Intelligent Kid
• The Do-Gooder’s Guide to Raising Generous Kids