This question arrived recently:

I’m struggling to let go of my child and allow her to become her own person. I did the natural childbirth, breastfeeding and attachment parenting thing. Now that we’re so closely bonded, I’m finding it hard to separate. I know it’s totally natural for her to detach and separate from me but how is a parent supposed to handle it–and even encourage it?

I wonder what words of encouragement or support you can offer? Did you experience a similar challenge when your baby started gaining some independence? Any tips for how she can begin the hard process of letting go, while staying connected?

I’ll take the first turn, but look forward to hearing from others.

Dear Reader,

You are right that it is natural for your daughter to start seeking more independence. More than natural, it is critical. An independent adult is the result of a thousand baby steps along the way. And, you are the best person to support her in becoming her own, unique, beautiful person.

I’ll share this poignant quote from the book I recently reviewed, Courageous Parents Confident Kids: “An essential, painful truth of parenthood is that our ultimate job is to make ourselves “unnecessary” – at least in our immediate supervisory role.”

It’s a hard truth, but also a necessary reality to embrace. The fact is, your 18-month-old pretty much needs you for most things right now. But she is also beginning to desire some independence. Have you seen your toddler demonstrate this need?

It’s not called the terrible twos for nothing! This simple quest for independence has resulted in the whole phase being anticipated as terrible! You have seen how strong this desire for independence is if you’ve seen a child refuse to sit in a car seat, squirm on the changing table, or resist getting dressed. But, the terrible twos won’t be so terrible if you anticipate her zing and give her the tools and freedom to excel.

For example, many toddlers know how to walk very well, but prefer to be carried. Begin encouraging your daughter to walk more or climb the stairs. Ask her to walk into another room to get you something. Encourage her to take some responsibility for her belongings (glasses, dolls, stuffed animals, picking up toys, etc). Encourage her to begin to choose her own shirt or socks. These are simple ways to let your child begin asserting her independence in simple ways that will be successful.

So, you are asking the right questions. In fact, that you are asking shows what a mindful person and wonderful mother you are. Two articles come to mind that might help to answer some of your questions: #1 Parenting Secret and The Secret to Connecting with Your Kids.

Good luck with the tricky balance of letting go while staying connected.

Please take a moment to share  your thoughts below.

Irregardless of whether your kids are in an adoring or detesting phase, here are some general tips that cannot be overemphasized when raising siblings:

Never compare. Celebrate their unique qualities. When you are tempted to compare children, stop yourself. Whatever needs to be said to one can be said without mentioning the other. Describe the behavior or experience without comparison to another child.

Strive for unique, not equal. Siblings often want things to be equal, but it’s a losing battle. Focus on the individual needs instead. For example, if your child wants two more strawberries because her sister had two extra, then simply ask, “Oh, are you still hungry?”

Never pigeon hole kids or lock them into roles. Give them freedom to change. Each time we characterize one kid as the shy one or the talkative one or the one who is always afraid of dogs, then we are pigeonholing that child. Children readily absorb these descriptions and they become defining moments for them.

Spend time with each child separately. One-on-one time is critical for staying connected. A different dynamic and level of connection happens between groups when more people are added. The same is true with family dynamics. The same way you may crave alone time with your partner or spouse to reconnect, your kids crave that special connection time with you too.

Hurtful actions need to be stopped. Intervening is necessary at times. Most experts suggest that violent situations must be stopped. Above all else, your children need to feel safe and secure with you. Young children should be helped through conflict resolution because they most likely do not have the skills to successfully manage the conflict themselves. Children 8-10 years or older who have good conflict management skills can be left alone to sort things through with siblings.

Acknowledge feelings. Siblings need to have their feelings about one another acknowledged. Not dismissed. If your child says, “He is so mean!” You can say, “You sound really upset.” Resist the urge to turn this into a teachable moment with, “He really isn’t mean”.

Model healthy anger management. Demonstrate conflict resolution and negotiation skills. Teach your children how to express disappointment, frustration, or sadness in a healthy and productive manner. If there are times when you can help your kids to compromise without violating an important rule or family value, then model this for your children too.

Sibling rivalry/conflicts will occur from time to time, but if you follow the 7 tips, your kids will benefit from these negotiations.

Before you click away to read the other posts or to share this one with a friend, take a moment and share your thoughts. Describe the relationship between your kids.

If you like a more in-depth look at sibling rivalry, I recommend two excellent books on the subject: Siblings Without Rivalry and Beyond Sibling Rivalry.

Related posts:

• The Hidden Benefits of Sibling Rivalry
• Friend or Foe?
• Curb Your Child’s Anger

Every Sunday evening we sit together to discuss . . . whatever. Whatever is up that week. Whatever is working really well. Whatever is not working. Whatever we want to see changed. Whatever. There is not a magic formula at this point, it is simply a time and space to talk and listen.

It’s an eagerly awaited event in our house each week. The kids love it. They love it in part because we have dessert on meeting nights. They love it in part because it helps them feel like integral members of our family in a way that regular discussions do not. They like having a vehicle to air grievances, make family plans, and family decisions.

Family meetings will look different for every family and every aged child. At this stage in my family (with two young children), the meeting was initially set in motion to create a well-established habit. While these meetings are mildly productive at this stage, I know there will be other phases down the road when they will feel like an absolute necessity.

Benefits of family meetings:

• keep lines of communication open
• intentional space to express discontentment in a productive way
• builds family connection and unity
• develop problem-solving skills
• builds self-esteem in children to have input in their day-to-day lives
• space to announce big family decisions
• time to discuss serious family issues, brainstorm ideas, and come up with solutions

Suggestions for conducting a family meeting:

1. It’s never to late to start, but will be easier to initiate when children are young.
2. Establish a specific time when all family members will be present.
3. Tell children that you are going to begin to hold meetings to share what is going on in everyone’s life.
4. Parents should be co-moderators in the beginning (depending on the age of children, you can designate a new leader and secretary every week).
5. Set some basic guidelines for speaking, listening, not interrupting, honesty, etc.
6. Allow everyone to have a turn to speak.
7. Keep the meetings relatively short (especially with young kids) and maintain a calm, compassionate space.
8. Create a method for covering all topics. The “go around” method works well. Go around the table to give everyone an opportunity to respond to the topic. Some families begin by complimenting each family member, then raising issues, then problem-solving. Choose a system that works best for you.

Does your family have family meetings? Do you think you might start?

If you haven’t already done so, you might want to check out a new, free e-course – A Crash Course in Mindful Parenting.

Playful Parenting, by Lawrence J. Cohen, stresses the importance of fostering and maintaining connection with children of all ages through their mode of communication – play.

“Play is children’s main way of communicating. To stop a child from play is like stopping an adult from talking and thinking. To control every minute of their play is like controlling every word someone says. But to leave children all alone in their play is like spending the day with other adults and never talking with them.”

All children have a playful side and parents can learn so much about their children from observing and participating in this play! Kids are best able to express their daily frustrations, challenges, and joys through play. Since most children don’t just sit down and show their vulnerability or ask to talk, play is a viable means for connecting with your child on their playing field. It must be on their terms.

I recommend every parent read this book. Here are just a few of my favorite highlights:

1. Replace play (connection) for discipline (isolation) whenever possible! Stretch your imagination and temper your temper to make it more and more possible.
2. Encourage, ask, or tease your child into playing with you (yes, your 13 or 14 yr old too).
3. Children (like adults, or is that just me?) dance between feelings of isolation and connection regularly.
4. Children’s difficulties cannot always sort themselves out if they are left alone. This is one reason why time-out is mostly ineffective.
5. The idea that all children have emotional cups that become empty when they are tired, hungry, frustrated,etc. When kids are nastiest is when they desperately need us to connect, rather than discipline. Parental connection is what fills that metaphorical cup.
6. Don’t ignore or take for granted those precious, vulnerable requests for interaction, engagement, and connection.

The initial work of reading and implementing another strategy may seem daunting to some and exciting to others. I guarantee that the work that it takes in the beginning, the challenge to stretch yourself as a parent, will improve your life and your relationship with your child dramatically. If you implement the methodology of this book, your child will be forever impacted and grateful!

This book is for you if you’ve ever wondered:

• why you are always putting your child in time-out, even though it rarely improves her behavior
• how to react differently to your child’s misbehavior
• how you can play that game one more time without losing your mind
• how to shift the dynamic to laugh more with your child
• what your child is really thinking or what might be troubling her

Playful Parenting, also recently reviewed at PhD in Parenting, is a refreshing parenting book that takes on the important and often neglected parenting issue – having fun with your kids. We expect fun to be a natural part of parenting, and sometimes it is. But, when it isn’t we wonder what went wrong and regret our loss rather than understand how to reconnect.

Do you struggle to maintain connection with your child? How do you regain it after a temporary lapse?