Children misbehave every 3 minutes (some statistics say). The parent in me can find fleeting comfort in that. But the child development specialist in me knows that it doesn’t need to be that way.

Last week I checked out a new method for discipline and promised to review it for you. It turns out, much to my disbelief, that this simple method (with a lame name) has been immediately effective and appears to be a positive approach to discipline.

1-2-3 Magic

I checked out the video for 1-2-3 Magic from our local library, watched the video that same night, and then put the method into action first thing the next morning. The video proved to be a nice alternative to the book because Superdad and I could watch it together and in just 2 hours we had a plan in place.

Our day-to-day life has been better ever since. I highly, highly recommend this method by Dr. Phelan.

Two Reasons Kids Frustrate Parents

If kids misbehave every 3 minutes, think of how much time and energy we zap talking, threatening or punishing them.

We get frustrated with our kids for one of two reasons:

1. They are doing something that we want them to Stop (tempers, whining, hitting, etc).
2. They are not doing something that we want them to Start (cleaning the bedroom, putting away toys, doing their homework, etc).

Dr. Phelan simply calls these START and STOP behaviors. The method that I’m describing here is for Stop behavior.

1-2-3 Magic is easy to use and effective for kids 2-12

Often times the behavior we want to stop is testing and manipulation. Dr. Phelan describes 6 different testing tactics, such as badgering and temper tantrums. Let me tell you, 1-2-3 Magic works like …well, magic in these circumstances.

If your child does something that he knows is not okay (because you’ve talked about it over and over and over again) then stop talking. Simply count. Your child gets two chances and then there is a consequence. Let’s look at an example:

If your child starts badgering you for a toy after you have already said no, then you simply say: “That’s 1.” Wait 5 seconds. If the badgering continues, “that’s 2.” Wait 5 seconds. If it’s still happening you calmly say, “That’s 3. Take 5 minutes in your room.” End of story.

Quick tips for 1-2-3 Magic

1. Stay calm.
2. Explain the new plan to your child before you put it into place.
3. Give your child about 1 minute of “time-out” for every year of their age.
4. DO NOT discuss the situation when they return. It’s a clean slate.
5. Counting in this way is so effective, that it can be addictive. Don’t overuse it.

There is real technique to this method, so if you are at all inclined to put it into practice, I encourage you to grab the book or video for yourself.

Benefits of 1-2-3 Magic:

1. It’s simple.
2. Saves your energy.
3. Frees up more of your time for fun and connection.
4. Maintains your calm authority.
5. Eliminates the endless negotiations.
6. Gives children the limits and authority they crave.
7. Punishment is short and sweet.
8. When used appropriately, it’s highly effective. But, using it appropriately is a learned art, which is why you should read the book or watch the video.

After shocking some of you recently with my suggestion to set limits and be consistent – okay, maybe it was the notion of your sweet kid sleeping on the bathroom floor (GASP!) that ruffled your feathers – I realized it was time for a series. A bedtime series.

You will want to follow this conversation, because it will review many aspects of sleep, including: the child-friendly bedroom, separation anxiety, fear, and relaxation. In the meantime, I urge you to share your nighty-night tales of woe or glee by comment or email today.

And, as referenced in the previous post, remember to set reasonable, natural consequences and be consistent. Also remember to let things go more often than not. I read recently that kids are like water in a hose. Where they notice a weakness, they will overwhelm or deluge it. Choose your battles wisely, and hold strong to the ones you choose. It’s in your child’s best interest.

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

• The Never Ending Good Night
• Is Goodnight Still Taking all Night?
• Lowering the Child’s Bedroom
• Sleeping Around
• Is Separation Anxiety Causing Unrest?
• Calm Yourself to Calm Your Kids
• Bedtime Breathing
• Nighttime Fears
• Unwind for Bedtime
• Quiet Night, Happy Night

This week, as I continue taking issue with parenting styles born in the ’60s, I explore the notion that the family should be democratic.

My wife, Willie, and I began our family in 1969. That was also the year I began graduate school. It was “hip” to believe in such things as the democratic family, and so, being super-hip, Willie and I charged down the road to democracy with our first. We were going to prove that Family Utopia was within grasp.

Three years later, it was obvious to us that we had failed. Instead of democracy, we had created tyranny. The tyrant was 36 inches tall. Whenever we attempted to motion for a certain decision that was not to his liking, Eric screamed and threw himself around like a madman. We, in turn, danced to his discordant tune.

We danced until we found a place to stand that would cause him to stop screaming. This meant, of course, that the more we danced, the more he screamed, and the more we danced, and so on. 

Continue reading Democracy with kids can be tyranny – Lifestyles – News & Observer.

A quiet reappraisal of helicopter parents is underway. Some researchers have begun to argue that late adolescence and young adulthood are such minefields today – emotional, social, sexual, logistical, psychological – that there are valid reasons for parents to remain deeply involved in their children’s lives even after the kids are, technically speaking, adults.

“There is this stereotypical, oversensationalized, negative portrait, where they use ‘over-parenting’ and ‘helicopter parenting’ synonymously,” says Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, a social historian and author who studies family issues.

“Over-parenting is not letting your kids take the consequences of their actions, swooping down to rescue them, and the result would be a spoiled brat. But helicopter parenting is entirely different, and I think it is a positive style of child-rearing.”

Is it the parent’s job to guide their children through adversity?  When do children learn in a tangible way about the consequences of their actions? There seems to be different stages in a child’s life (toddler, child, tween, teen, adolescent, young adult) when more supervision, guidance, and support is necessary.  What are your experiences with this, either as a child or parent?

via For some, helicopter parenting delivers benefits – The Boston Globe.