Parents often delight in trying to understand their newborn’s personality and needs. It can be exciting to get to know the newest member of the family. Yet, when it comes to older kids, many parents have a different approach. They try to control instead of observe. Ever known a helicopter parent?

It’s no wonder. Who wants to crawl inside the mind of a child who is screaming or yelling? Who wants to observe a stubborn or rude child? Yet this is when trying on another person’s perspective is critical.  Ask yourself what’s going on for your child when he is seems to be  irrationally acting in this way.

Admittedly, this is no easy feat. But it’s rewards are immeasurable.

The benefits speak for themselves. It’s training the adult that takes work.

How do you shift your perspective to unobjectively try on another person’s perspective? How can you crawl inside your child’s mind? First, and most importantly, put aside your own idea or fantasy of who you want  your child to be and be open to who your child is.

Many parents have preconceived ideas about how they want their kid to develop – confident, outgoing, adaptable, organized . This is understandable. But, when things turn out differently, parents mourn the loss of their dream child. Sometimes their mourning gets in the way of truly seeing their child for who he really is.

I will provide more tools for better understanding your child’s individual temperaments and behavior preferences in future posts.

In the meantime, consider two different, yet common scenarios:

Scenario #1:

You are eager to get your toddler dressed for the day. You have a big meeting at work and cannot be late again. Frantically, you are trying to get clothes on her, but she is doing anything to avoid you. It’s her favorite game. Then, she breaks down fussing and refusing to get dressed. Sound familiar?

So, you beg and plead. To no avail (unless you break down and offer a grand bribe). Then you lose your temper, throw the clothes on, and the two of you storm out the door for the day. A quick and discombobulated drop-off and you slide into work just. in. time.

Consider to yourself:

1. Why is she upset?
2. Is she tired or sick?
3. What is her zing?
4. How would she want to get dressed?
5. Are the clothes comfortable?

Likely, with a toddler, the child is wanting more control over the situation. Toddlers love earning some responsibilities and control. Rather than choosing her outfit and dressing her, give her the opportunity to participate.  If you aren’t comfortable with mismatched clothes, get over it! allow her to pick out her socks or underwear.

Consider your child’s zing. These developmental phases will tell you a lot about your child’s needs and preferences. Follow the zing.

Scenario #2

You are at the grocery store with your two children. While waiting in the check-out line, another shopper behind you starts crooning over one of your children (typically the one at that “cute age”).

“Oh, look at you and your cool sunglasses. What great hair he has! I love those dimples. How old are you?”

Meanwhile, your other child, standing like a shadow beside you, is looking on. What do you imagine he is thinking? Can you imagine? It might be different than what you are thinking or think he should be thinking. Read his facial expressions and body language. Is he also admiring his little brother? Or, is he thinking that he must be invisible or not as cute?

The hidden part here – that will bite you in the ass if you don’t watch out – is that your child will eventually act this out. Unlike scenario #1, he may not act this out now. In fact, many behavioral issues stem from previous experiences, not immediate occurrences.

Pay attention to these behavioral issues. Sit with each one (as it is happening or shortly thereafter) for a few minutes and try to understand your child’s perspective. This is the most significant change you can make to your parenting style!

Related posts:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly
• The World According to  Your Child
• What is My Child Thinking?

In fact, studies have shown that understanding your child’s perspective has the biggest positive impact on your children. More so than anything else you can do as a parent! Yet, the idea of knowing the child’s perspective eludes even those parents with the best intentions.

There are three levels of perspective taking, as Jean Piaget explained : visual, intellectual, emotional.

Today I hope to provide you with enough detail about the visual aspect that you will be able to transfer this discussion to your own experiences. Future posts will examine the intellectual and emotional perspectives of children.

First, take a moment to imagine yourself the height of your child. Maneuver around your house at this height (crawling, squatting, kneeling) to gain insight into what your child experiences every day.

• Are her needs met at this level?
• Are their small chairs, tables, books positioned lower on shelves or toys located in easy reach?
• Is there interesting artwork at this level?
• Is your child’s independence supported at this level (dressing, eating, helping with household tasks)?

Aside from having a different physical perspective, with regards to height and size, on the world, children see other aspects differently too. Can you remember the way those classic children’s books looked to you as a youngster? Probably more vivid and illustrative than they do today. When you’ve read them umpteen times. Do you remember the way playgrounds and pools looked when you were very young? Gigantic and “alive”.

Consider now your own child’s perspective.

Have you ever brought your child to a festival only to  have her “freak out”? How embarrassing, right?

Your child was over-stimulated by the activity, movement, noises, smells, light, sirens, etc. Make note of this so that in the future you can prepare your child. Discuss those strong feelings and give her names for the emotions. This will help your child to feel respected, understood, and for her to understand what she is feeling, besides shame, fear, and discomfort.

Does your child spend forever gazing at something “mundane” like a bug, acorn, or flower?

Rather than scold, tease, belittle, or punish these unique nuances, work hard (very hard) to understand them. What is my child seeing here? How might it look different to her than to me? Have I seen this reaction or behavior before? When?

If you don’t know the answers to the questions, observe more closely and ask your child:

• What are you seeing?
• Can you draw me a picture of the festival? What was the good part? What was the bad part?

These examples are the hidden clues to discover how your child sees the world. Remember, we are not trying to change things we think should be different. We are trying to understand our own unique children and all of their attributes.

After all, we are their advocates. We are the ones who know them best and help them navigate this world. If we try to suppress the unpleasant, embarrassing, or ugly behavior, then our children have the enormous burden of struggling to accept themselves when those closest don’t.

Let’s honor and celebrate our children as people with personalities, quirks, needs, desires, and yes, opinions.

Subscribe here to follow the discussion and learn more about the emotional and intellectual perspectives of children.

Related posts:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly
• What is My Child Thinking?

My oldest (almost 5 yr old) has always been a careful, thoughtful observer and my youngest (almost 2 yr old) throws herself more readily at things and seems less inhibited in some ways. My oldest is very sensitive and temperamental in ways that my youngest hasn’t displayed. My youngest shows a keen interest in animals. Both are surprisingly strong and physically confident and able.  Just to list a few.

My hesitation to rattling this list off while my kids listened attentively was in its potential side effects. Children depend on their parents to tell them who they are and what they are capable of becoming. That’s an important job not to be taken lightly.

Kelly Corrigan says this matter of factly in The Middle Place (fabulous book, by the way). “He[Dad] told me once that I was a great talker. And so I was. I was a conversationalist . . . He defined me first, as parents do.” 

It is too easy for parents to casually dole out definitions of our children, without fully considering the consequences. And, while defining our children does not always have a negative effect, it’s impact is strong.

As I was considering how to answer this question posed to me, I reminded myself that children are always evolving (adults, too, but that’s for another blog). Their character is always developing. Therefore, conclusive statements can be very limiting. 

I chose not to answer the question directly and instead redirected the conversation. In hindsight, I wish I would have asked my oldest daughter, who was listening intently, to answer the question. I would be very interested to hear how she might describe herself and in relation to her sister.