Try and try as you may, it’s a futile attempt to try to change your kids. Better to teach them how to use their traits for the better.

Children have a set of in-born traits that organize the children’s approach to the world. It’s their factory installed wiring that remain pretty consistent from birth.

When you look at all of these traits as a whole, you’ll discover your child’s temperament. While we cannot change temperament, we can affect how our children express or use their traits. This becomes their personality.

Traits vs. Personality

How well their temperament fits with the environment and how well they are received by the people in the environment will determine how a child sees himself and others. Helping your child to positively manage his temperament is a huge gift!

There are innumerable ways to look at temperaments, preferences, learning styles and personalities. For the purposes of this course, I used the Nine Traits of Temperaments described by Dr. Thomas and Dr. Chess.

Nine Traits of Temperaments

They described these traits as characteristics in behavior that land on a spectrum somewhere between mild and intense. Every child has an aspect of all nine. You need to determine where your child is on the spectrum of each trait and then synthesize them to have a full picture.

Warning: As you read through these traits, remember that there is no right or wrong end of the spectrum. Every kind of temperament trait can be used in good ways if we learn how to use it effectively. By understanding our children’s traits, we can help them better understand themselves. This awareness improves learning, behavior, and happiness.

1. Activity Level – Many parents define the activity level as the key difference between an easy or difficult child. A child who is very active must have an outlet for his energy. He can’t sit still or quiet for long. A child who is less active may take more time to finish things. He can sit still easily. The challenge may be in helping him get adequate exercise.
2. Distractibility -  This is the degree to which a child focuses on a task that he is not very interested in. A more focused child can complete tasks more easily and learn more quickly. He often tunes out everything when working on an activity. An easily distracted child may have trouble finishing things and get easily sidetracked, but can multi-task well. High distractibility is seen as positive when it is easy to divert a child from an undesirable behavior but seen as negative when it prevents the child from finishing school work.
3. Intensity or Strength of Expression – A child who is very expressive may yell or cry over seemingly small things. He may be good at talking you into things. Intense children are more likely to have their needs met and tend to be exhausting to live with. The less expressive child may be seen as an underachiever. He may be calmer and more cooperative.
4. Regularity or Need for Physical Routine – A child who prefers more regular routines wants to go to bed and eat around the same times every day. He may get upset if the day doesn’t go as usual. A child on the other end of the spectrum likes variety in physical routines, enjoys doing things differently and may not notice small changes in the day.
5. Sensory Threshold or Sensitivity to Senses – This spectrum has a child who is painfully sensitive to stimulation on one end and a child who seeks more sensory stimulation on the other. The child who seeks more stimulation will learn best by engaging all of his senses. He enjoys cuddling and snuggling. He may hit or bite when angry. A child who is painfully sensitive to the stimulation may resist hugging and snuggling, may fuss about clothing or food textures. Parents of these sensitive children often feel like they are walking on eggshells.
6. Initial Reaction – A child who enjoys change moves into new situations with ease. He is described as friendly, social, and gregarious. He is also more likely to wander off in a store. He may become bored with the same things. A child who prefers the familiar becomes shy when meeting new people or in a new location, and therefore may be described as anti-social. He needs time to observe and warm-up from the edges. Slow-to-warm-up children tend to think before they act. They are less likely to act impulsively during adolescence.
7. Adaptability (resilient and flexible) – How easily does your child adapt over time versus react initially? A more adaptable child can easily tolerate big changes and the day-to-day transitioning from one activity to the next. A slow-to-adapt child is less likely to rush into dangerous situations, and may be less influenced by peer pressure.
8. Persistence or Tenacity – This refers to the length of time a child continues with an activity in the face of obstacles. A child who is more persistent or tenacious will stick with something until it is done. The tunnel vision can be about food, a material item such as a toy, or even an idea. He may have a hard time taking “no” for an answer and seem immune to typical disciplining techniques. A less persistent child may have a hard time completing tasks and will give up on things that are uninteresting or too complicated. A child with low persistence may develop strong social skills because he realizes other people can help.
9. Usual Mood – Is your child a glass half-full or half-empty kind of kid? Mood combines a lot of different elements, but in general, some kids are more upbeat and others are less bubbly. The child who is usually happy makes friends very easily. In fact, they might even act happy when they are sad. Some kids do very well in group situations (school, play, structured activities) but are much less enthusiastic at home. These kids are moody and may have a harder time having fun. It may seem there is a big problem even when there isn’t. A child who is usually less positive may become sad or angry about things more quickly. Serious children tend to be analytical and evaluate situations carefully.

If you are interested in taking a temperaments traits quiz for your child, you can find one here at: http://www.readyforlife.org/temperament/quiz/start

I was certain the kids were well on their way to dreamland when BG called me into the bedroom.

I replied like I always do when there are bedtime theatrical performances, “Oh no, is there blood? Are you okay?” [A fairly recent bedtime rule is that after we say goodnight, they need to help themselves to the bathroom or to another drink of water. They can call for us if there is blood, or some other emergency.]

BG says, “Mom, how do you know how old a baby is when it is born?”

Me: “That’s a good question. Let’s talk about it in the morning.”

BG: “Please, please tell me. I really want to know.”

Okay, I’ll answer this seemingly simple and thoughtful question.

Me: “Even though the baby grows for awhile inside the mom’s belly, it is considered 0 when it is born. Then it becomes a few minutes old, a few hours old, eventually days and weeks and years.”

BG: “But, I mean, how do they know when it is ready to come out?”

Me: “Oh, it all has to do with the last time the mom had her period. Then it is about 40 weeks after that until the baby comes out.”

BG: “But can the mom decide when to have a baby?”

Me: “Sure.”

BG: “How?”

Me: “Well, once she decides then she can snuggle with daddy in a special way.”

BG: “What’s the special way?”

Me: “BG, I would really love to talk with you about this more, but this isn’t the time. Let’s talk in the morning.”

BG: “Please, just tell me quickly.”

I didn’t need much convincing. I knew this was important and not sure why it had to happen at that moment, but I also knew such a perfectly natural opportunity might not come around for awhile. I want to maintain the open environment that we have already established, where my kids know their questions are always welcomed and valued. I jumped on it!

Sex or Snuggle

Me: “Well, this special snuggle is called sex. It’s when the dad puts his penis into the mom’s vagina.”

BG: “To make it big enough for the baby to come out?”

Me: “No. To squirt something called sperm. If the sperm touches the egg that is inside of the mom, then it can grow into a baby, instead of just being an egg.”

BG: “Whoa!! Does it hurt?”

Me: “No. It’s nice.”

BG: “… ‘night Mommy.”

Me: “Goodnight love.”

5 Tips for Talking about Sex with Young Kids:

1. Start early.
2. Answer the question being asked. No more. No less.
3. Welcome comments and questions with patience.
4. Keep it simple and honest.
5. Create an open environment in your family and home.

Sibling rivalry has been a predominant theme in our house for the past two months year. It has been ugly and intense and so perfectly natural (right??).

I’m crossing my toes here as I write this for fear of jinxing it . . .

. . .but, it appears that we are out of the thick of it. For now.

I am going to take a few days to catch my breath and celebrate the new found friendship in our house. But then I’ll be back to write about our experience and offer some insights.

* I take issue with the word, “rivalry”. I do not think it captures the full range of emotions and motives of the dynamic.

Do you have a sibling? What do you remember about your dynamics? Are you raising siblings? What’s it like for you?

If you are new to Child Perspective, welcome! You can click the link here to subscribe and join the conversation.

Related posts:

• The Hidden Benefits of Sibling Rivalry
• 7 Tips to Minimize Sibling Rivalry

For all parents wanting to have an easier time parenting – A Crash Course in Mindful Parenting.

If you have enjoyed the gist of things offered here at Child Perspective, then I think you’ll really dig this course.

I was drawn to creating this course, because of the desire among so many of my peers to more closely examine the messiness and the beauty of parenting.

Mindfulness Uncorked:

• Learn why your kids do what they do
• Learn why you respond the way you do
• Learn how to have more fun and much more ease parenting

Read a full description about A Crash Course in Mindful Parenting by clicking the link.

Or, if you know you’d like to get started with this 12-lesson course, sign up below and have the lessons delivered every 3-4 days right to your inbox.

Seeing the world through my child’s eyes has been the single best way for me to fine tune my parenting. When I need direction on how to handle a situation – from addressing sibling rivalry to how we arrange our furniture to simply choosing a birthday gift - I look first to my child. What is my child’s perspective?

But, how do we tap into our child’s perspective? It begins with observation. This is different than simply watching your child. You can learn how to observe here.

Believe me, I know that understanding your child’s perspective can at times feel like climbing Mt. Everest. Backwards. It does get easier with practice.

I encourage you to start bringing your child’s perspective more and more into your own awareness. You can begin this every evening after your child is asleep.  Reflect on the day from his perspective. Reflection is the key. The zen of it. The essence of it. Below are some sample questions to help guide you:

• Were there ways that he felt like he contributed meaningfully to the family’s experience?
• Did he feel listened to attentively?
• What difficulties did he encounter? Were they avoidable?
• Did he experience positive outcomes?
• What did he engage with in his unstructured time?
• Was the room safe and appropriate for him to explore independently?

With practice and commitment, imagining your child’s perspective will become second nature and hopefully encompass all parts of the day. This understanding and deep connection with your child will provide innumerable and unexpected benefits. I look forward to hearing your experiences with this, both the struggles and success stories.

You can read more on understanding your child’s perspective visually, intellectually, and emotionally, plus these bonuses:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly

In fact, studies have shown that understanding your child’s perspective has the biggest positive impact on your children. More so than anything else you can do as a parent! Yet, the idea of knowing the child’s perspective eludes even those parents with the best intentions.

There are three levels of perspective taking, as Jean Piaget explained : visual, intellectual, emotional.

Today I hope to provide you with enough detail about the visual aspect that you will be able to transfer this discussion to your own experiences. Future posts will examine the intellectual and emotional perspectives of children.

First, take a moment to imagine yourself the height of your child. Maneuver around your house at this height (crawling, squatting, kneeling) to gain insight into what your child experiences every day.

• Are her needs met at this level?
• Are their small chairs, tables, books positioned lower on shelves or toys located in easy reach?
• Is there interesting artwork at this level?
• Is your child’s independence supported at this level (dressing, eating, helping with household tasks)?

Aside from having a different physical perspective, with regards to height and size, on the world, children see other aspects differently too. Can you remember the way those classic children’s books looked to you as a youngster? Probably more vivid and illustrative than they do today. When you’ve read them umpteen times. Do you remember the way playgrounds and pools looked when you were very young? Gigantic and “alive”.

Consider now your own child’s perspective.

Have you ever brought your child to a festival only to  have her “freak out”? How embarrassing, right?

Your child was over-stimulated by the activity, movement, noises, smells, light, sirens, etc. Make note of this so that in the future you can prepare your child. Discuss those strong feelings and give her names for the emotions. This will help your child to feel respected, understood, and for her to understand what she is feeling, besides shame, fear, and discomfort.

Does your child spend forever gazing at something “mundane” like a bug, acorn, or flower?

Rather than scold, tease, belittle, or punish these unique nuances, work hard (very hard) to understand them. What is my child seeing here? How might it look different to her than to me? Have I seen this reaction or behavior before? When?

If you don’t know the answers to the questions, observe more closely and ask your child:

• What are you seeing?
• Can you draw me a picture of the festival? What was the good part? What was the bad part?

These examples are the hidden clues to discover how your child sees the world. Remember, we are not trying to change things we think should be different. We are trying to understand our own unique children and all of their attributes.

After all, we are their advocates. We are the ones who know them best and help them navigate this world. If we try to suppress the unpleasant, embarrassing, or ugly behavior, then our children have the enormous burden of struggling to accept themselves when those closest don’t.

Let’s honor and celebrate our children as people with personalities, quirks, needs, desires, and yes, opinions.

Subscribe here to follow the discussion and learn more about the emotional and intellectual perspectives of children.

Related posts:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly
• What is My Child Thinking?

I heard the call early on to make our kitchen more child-friendly. Missing the appropriate children’s activities, I was often holding a toddler while also trying to chop, cook, and maneuver hot pans. This didn’t work. Plus, my kids have always been eager to help, which is a trait that I like to encourage.

The many ways to prepare a kitchen to be more child-friendly varies greatly according to size, needs, age of children; so please just consider this list a launching point.

Tips to make your kitchen more child-friendly:

1. make a work-space for your child, with either a child-sized table or sturdy stool to safely use the counter space (see picture at bottom)
2. store silverware, plates, bowls, glasses, and napkins (at least a few sets) on a low shelf or drawer
3. store snacks and a small pitcher with water on a low shelf in the refrigerator
4. store a few other activities (art, play dough, etc) in the kitchen so the child can be nearby even when not interested in cooking
5. provide cutting board and child-friendly knife to be used under supervision

Understanding your child’s zing will help you to create the most inviting, purposeful kitchen space.  Your child’s participation in the kitchen is an important step toward shaping his interest in contributing to the household in a meaningful and productive way. As you are considering how to improve your kitchen space, remember, the best way to encourage your child is to help him to feel successful. Big mishaps or stern correction might discourage the child from trying these activities in the future.

Below is a list of some activities, depending on interest and ability, that will entice your child into the kitchen:

• age appropriate space for your child (bottom drawer full of non-breakables for the 14-month-old or small table for the 2.5-year-old)
• setting the table (outline the place setting on placemats so child can learn appropriate placement)
• helping to clear the table after a meal
• washing some fruits and vegetables
• small, simple chopping jobs
• washing a few dishes
• loading or unloading portions of the dishwasher
• measuring and mixing ingredients

How has your child asked to participate in the kitchen? What have your responses been to these requests?

Daughter comfortably washing dishes, while standing on the Learning Tower.

See tips for the other rooms in your home here:

• To “proof” or “ready” the house for baby?
• Kid-friendly bedroom
• Choosing Toys Wisely
• Toys, toys everywhere

Recently I have written about preparing the house for a child. This is a very broad topic, which I have divided into more specific areas of the house. This article will consider ways to organize all of those toys!

Please see the posts listed below for other areas (this will be expanding over the next few weeks):

• To “proof” or “ready” the house for baby?
• Kid-friendly bedroom

For better or worse, the separate playroom is becoming more and more common. While having this option helps move some clutter out of the regular living space, it does not eliminate the need to have various child-centered items in each room of your house. A playroom offers a specific area where the miscellaneous activities can be stored in an organized and inviting manner. Even if a separate room is not an option or preferred choice, the same thoughtfulness needs to be put in place for considering where and how to keep all of the toys. The more thoughtful you are around preparing the space, the more inviting it will be (i.e., child will actually play with toys) and will play more independently.

Tips for preparing the play space:

1. Instead of using a toy box, which quickly becomes unruly, keep toys neatly on shelves.
2. Place all toys within easy reach for your child.
3. Avoid clutter. With toys, less really is more! Children tend to focus on just a few activities for a stretch of time. Once they stop showing interest, switch the toy out with something else that has been packed away.
4. Consider your child’s strength and coordination when choosing the location of some toys. Some big spills can be avoided just by considering placement.
5. Have a variety of storage: open shelves, baskets, trays, etc. Use small baskets for toys with multiple pieces to keep them contained, ease the transfer, and encourage returning to the correct place.
6. When everything has a designated place, your child can easily maintain the order.
7. Consider appropriate flooring for messy areas (easel, play dough, etc.) and low tables for other activities.
8. Display beautiful things from nature (or items your child has found) on a tray or in a basket.

For help choosing the appropriate toys, read Choosing Toys Wisely.

Each time a child receives a gift, a meaningful transaction has occurred. Depending on the manner and frequency of these transactions, the meaningfulness can be diluted or lost. Be mindful of your own attitude around giving and what you are imparting to your kids.

Toys, if chosen appropriately, do have great inherent value to the development of children. While appropriateness changes with your child’s development, it is important to first consider that abstract thinking and the imagination that follows it is a developed ability. Young children use the first six years of life to gradually develop this sophisticated thinking. Therefore, toys that portray fantasy or something other than the concrete and rational can present obstacles for the young mind making sense of his world.

For children under three years old, look for toys that distinguish the real from the unreal and provide order for the world. Toys, such as a dollhouse or realistic models of animals, can be used to introduce categories and processes (rooms of a house, role playing in the house, animal sounds, animal behavior). They can also become more complicated and sophisticated, by adding aspects, such as classifying animals by habitat, species, # of legs, etc.

You can suggest these new ways of playing with the toys to your children by demonstration, but then move on and butt out! Your goal is to help make your child’s play more interesting  by suggesting ideas that he would lack the knowledge or skill to find on his own. Do not control your child’s play. Exploration is the key!

Tips for choosing toys:

1. Consider your child’s Zing!
2. Young children benefit from simple activities that you can create from household goods: scooping beans from one container to another, same with water, stacking objects, pouring water with small pitcher, exploring nature, etc.
3. Choose activities that encourage participation, rather than something that performs for your child.
4. An appreciation of beauty begins at a young age. Consider this when choosing toys!
5. Teach care and respect by allowing your child to have access to something fragile (not something sentimental). This provides an opportunity to teach gentle handling (pouring with two hands, carrying with two hands, one finger touch, etc) and enables them to explore, somewhere other than the store.
6. Whenever possible opt for natural materials, such as wood, over plastic.

As a parent, I understand the difficulties that arise in limiting children’s toys when gifts are given. There are various options for this, depending on you, the gift giver, and your comfort level. You can put inappropriate gifts in storage, give them away, or bring them to a grandparents house. You can also give family members specific children’s catalogs that you  prefer.  I highly recommend the Michael Olaf catalogs, because they offer beautiful, purposeful activities and briefly describe the children’s development at each stage.  Great for grandparents!

Below are a few of  my other favorite catalogs that offer a unique selection of open-ended activities for children, encouraging discovery and growth of imagination.

• For Small Hands
• Hearth Song
• Magic Cabin
• Insect Lore

For more information of storing and organizing the toys, read Toys, toys everywhere!

First, spend some time sitting in your child’s room and looking at it through the child’s perspective. Apply these general questions to the bedroom:

1. Is the space simple, clean, and beautiful?
2. Are items (books, toys, clothing) thoughtfully organized for the child?
3. Can your child complete age appropriate tasks independently? Bedroom tasks might include: dressing, putting away clothes, making bed, putting dirty clothes in a laundry hamper?
4. Can your child access age appropriate activities independently?

Let’s look at the specifics:

Bed

Can your child get in and out of bed independently? Consider placing a small futon or mattress on the floor, even for a baby. It will be just the right height for your child to get in and out of independently when she is old enough to move around. This is true for all furniture, try to offer something child-size. Once you have made the bedroom safe, it is more interesting to move about it freely rather than be confined to a crib. Note: Our babies slept in co-sleepers and then mattresses next to our bed until the early stages of potty-training were complete, then we moved the mattress into their room. It was a smooth and natural transition.

Clothing

Are her clothes stored in a way so that she can access them? Young children do not hang clothes well on hangers. Drawers or cubbies work best. Do the drawers glide open and shut easily so that she can be independent with this? Is the dresser stable and secure on the wall? Place the clothes that she will use most often or can choose independently toward the bottom (in easy reach). If your child is able to see her clothes, she can begin to pick out her own outfits. Usually this starts by giving the young child a choice between two pairs of shorts, two pairs of underwear, two different shirts, etc.  Encourage this! It’s a small, simple step to allow her to participate in a meaningful way. Don’t worry about color coordination and style. Children often have their own clear sense about this.

Consider creating a dressing corner, as described by Lisa Nolan at Confessions of a Montessori Mom.

Walls

Hang a mirror at eye level for your toddling child or just above the mattress for your infant’s pleasure. Children love to look at themselves and this is age-appropriate and healthy! They are able to learn so many things, including simply being “ready” to go (clean face, combed hair). If your toddler or older child can check her own face and hair, it removes you from a possible battle. Just encourage her to look carefully in the mirror to see if she is ready to go. Another step toward independence.

Do you have beautiful art hanging in your child’s room? Take advantage of the young child’s extreme sensitivity and expose her to beautiful art (focus on art with other children, animals, or nature and avoid popular media images). Hang these at eye-level, to help strengthen her sense of belonging and inclusion.

Toys

I have many thoughts about toys, but will keep it limited for the purposes of this broader article.

Can your child reach all of his toys easily and safely? Are the toys beautiful, purposeful, and engaging or interactive? Avoid toys that perform while your child watches. You want to encourage him to be actively engaged, not a passive observer waiting to be entertained.

Look for more thoughts on toys in these related posts:

• Toys, toys everywhere!
• Choosing Toys Wisely

What other things have you done to prepare your child’s bedroom?