What does positive parenting mean to you? Do you see it as your own enjoyment of parenting or more about nurturing the positive traits in your children?

Often the two go hand in hand. When we feel good about our moment-to-moment parenting choices, our kids are likely to feel good too. But when our kids are running on empty (lacking physical or emotional fuel), then parenting gets more difficult. It’s in these difficult parenting moments that our responses are the most tenuous.

Being able to anticipate and recognize these moments is what mindful parenting is all about. Mindful parenting makes parenting more fun and fulfilling and less of a burden or mystery. Mindful parenting includes positive parenting.

Mindful, positive parenting allows you to be able to say YES to your child more often without giving in, while also bringing out the behavior you want. (You can find specific tips for becoming a more mindful parent here.)

2 Tips to Keep it Positive

#1: Saying Yes instead of No

Consider this scenario: You are tucking your toddler into bed for the night. Like most toddlers, she would rather stay awake with you than end the day and face the discomfort of separation. She hugs you and pleads, “I want to be with you.”

You could respond:

“No honey, it is time for bed.”

or simply try to find a way to say yes

“Okay, when you wake up we’ll snuggle and read a book together.” (*positive parenting response)

If you are parenting mindfully, it’s easier to keep your bearings. You know that your toddler just wants to be with you. You can acknowledge her so that she feels heard and understood, but not “give in” to an extended bedtime.

#2 Positive Reinforcement

You are preparing dinner and your children are finally playing quietly in the next room for the first time in ages.

You could:

1. Continue cooking without interruption and enjoy the quiet. Maybe you’ll even have an extra moment to brag about it on Facebook.

or

2. You could step away from the kitchen for a moment to acknowledge and reinforce this desirable behavior, “You guys are doing a nice job playing together.”

It’s a well known fact that angry people make noise and happy people remain silent. We see it in parenting. We see it in politics.

When our kids are behaving well (playing nicely with siblings or friends, willingly completing homework, getting ready for school on time) it’s easy to remain quiet. To say nothing. Yet the moment there is a problem, we are quick to speak up.

But that means that kids predictably get our attention when they do something negative. So what do you think they’ll choose next time they really want some connection/attention from you? They’ll choose the surest form – negative attention.

We know that it doesn’t matter whether it’s negative or positive attention, if kids want it they will take it in whatever form you dish it out. So, start dishing out positive attention (especially if it is unexpected and/or in front of other people) and see your child’s behavior shifts. Enjoy the benefits of positive parenting.

Bonus tip: Praise requires a little mindfulness too or else it can backfire. You can read more to learn how to effectively praise your child.

When you are feeling a little worn out this evening, remind yourself of the two tips for keeping it positive. You’ll enjoy a smoother evening! And feel better about yourself too.

Children misbehave every 3 minutes (some statistics say). The parent in me can find fleeting comfort in that. But the child development specialist in me knows that it doesn’t need to be that way.

Last week I checked out a new method for discipline and promised to review it for you. It turns out, much to my disbelief, that this simple method (with a lame name) has been immediately effective and appears to be a positive approach to discipline.

1-2-3 Magic

I checked out the video for 1-2-3 Magic from our local library, watched the video that same night, and then put the method into action first thing the next morning. The video proved to be a nice alternative to the book because Superdad and I could watch it together and in just 2 hours we had a plan in place.

Our day-to-day life has been better ever since. I highly, highly recommend this method by Dr. Phelan.

Two Reasons Kids Frustrate Parents

If kids misbehave every 3 minutes, think of how much time and energy we zap talking, threatening or punishing them.

We get frustrated with our kids for one of two reasons:

1. They are doing something that we want them to Stop (tempers, whining, hitting, etc).
2. They are not doing something that we want them to Start (cleaning the bedroom, putting away toys, doing their homework, etc).

Dr. Phelan simply calls these START and STOP behaviors. The method that I’m describing here is for Stop behavior.

1-2-3 Magic is easy to use and effective for kids 2-12

Often times the behavior we want to stop is testing and manipulation. Dr. Phelan describes 6 different testing tactics, such as badgering and temper tantrums. Let me tell you, 1-2-3 Magic works like …well, magic in these circumstances.

If your child does something that he knows is not okay (because you’ve talked about it over and over and over again) then stop talking. Simply count. Your child gets two chances and then there is a consequence. Let’s look at an example:

If your child starts badgering you for a toy after you have already said no, then you simply say: “That’s 1.” Wait 5 seconds. If the badgering continues, “that’s 2.” Wait 5 seconds. If it’s still happening you calmly say, “That’s 3. Take 5 minutes in your room.” End of story.

Quick tips for 1-2-3 Magic

1. Stay calm.
2. Explain the new plan to your child before you put it into place.
3. Give your child about 1 minute of “time-out” for every year of their age.
4. DO NOT discuss the situation when they return. It’s a clean slate.
5. Counting in this way is so effective, that it can be addictive. Don’t overuse it.

There is real technique to this method, so if you are at all inclined to put it into practice, I encourage you to grab the book or video for yourself.

Benefits of 1-2-3 Magic:

1. It’s simple.
2. Saves your energy.
3. Frees up more of your time for fun and connection.
4. Maintains your calm authority.
5. Eliminates the endless negotiations.
6. Gives children the limits and authority they crave.
7. Punishment is short and sweet.
8. When used appropriately, it’s highly effective. But, using it appropriately is a learned art, which is why you should read the book or watch the video.

I’ve said before how there is no such thing as a perfect parent. I’ve never met one and I am far from a perfect parent  myself. I have plenty of moments where I think, “Hmmph, if my readers could see/hear me now!”

Those moments occur far too often these days. I’ve hit a wall. It’s harder to have a fresh perspective and fresh start with BG (my oldest). I feel resentful to her for sabotaging our family’s happiness often and recently. I’m disappointed with myself for feeling so tangled up in this mess. And mostly I am sad for her and whatever she is experiencing.

So tomorrow Superdad and I will go brainstorm with a family therapist. And I have to say, I’m so excited. I used to send other parents to this particular therapist because of her instinctive knack and the constant rave reviews. I’ve also been told that she and I are like spitting images of each other when it comes to parenting. So, it feels safe and full of promise. The promise of some family peace!

And the promise of getting some traction on this slippery kid. In all of her delight and spunk, she has this one little slippery area that we can’t quite put a finger on. Just when we do, it slips out from under us again and changes form.

So, why am I telling you all of this? I’m hesitant  to air my kid’s dirty laundry online. And, it’s not really about that or her. It’s to highlight – again – that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. No one is flawless. But, in recognizing my weak spots I can be reaching for greatness.

I don’t measure my parenting aptitude by how I handle the smooth moments. I measure it by how I handle the hard ones. And lately, it’s not been great. I feel like I’m parenting on a banana peel.

I’m losing my footing, and need someone to help ground and guide me off this slippery path. And part of being a great parent is to recognize when you’ve hit a wall (or lost an objective viewpoint) and have the courage to ask for help. That’s what we’ll be doing tomorrow. Asking for some help.

Are you looking for an easy way to get your child’s attention?

Sometimes parents describe kids as selective listeners. “He never listens to me!”

Consider why:

1. Presentation is everything. Does your child want to listen to more nagging and yelling?
2. They have to become selective to cope with the barrage of noise surrounding them. Most of the noise is from us, the parents. We are busy giving well-intended directions, redirection, corrections, and lessons.

Meanwhile the child is left to decipher what is really important in all of this noise.

While yelling often gets a child’s attention, it’s an aggressive form of parenting. I regret every time that I have resorted to yelling. It saddens me to see my child look at me with fear or astonishment.

Whispering is as effective as yelling for grabbing my kid’s attention and a lot less disturbing.

It even works in a classroom filled with 3-6 year olds. Sitting at circle with 22 preschoolers is sometimes like herding kittens. When their voices become loud or their attention wanders, some teachers choose to yell, threaten, or punish. I find it more effective to simply whisper.

The children quickly become quiet and re-focus their attention on me. Same is true with my own kids. When their attention or interest is waning in the middle of an activity, I speak very quietly to regain their attention and interest. Remember, presentation is everything. Bring excitement and intrigue to what you are about to say.

You may have read the NY Times article, For Some Parents, Shouting is the New Spanking. I look forward to a time when Whispering is the New Shouting.

It works like a charm. . . if you don’t overdo it.

Overview

When Betsy Evans wrote You’re Not My Friend Anymore!, she hoped to make the problem-solving or conflict resolution aspect of parenting easily accessible and maybe even fun. She has accomplished this goal by creating a simple, yet very dynamic book.

This book puts common behavior issues under a microscope and then offers problem-solving solutions in 6 steps. The book dissects the common behavioral challenges using both text and cartoon illustrations.

Evans demonstrates to parents how to look for the opportunity or teachable moment in a conflict, rather than focusing on a disciplinary action. Conflict resolution is not an innate ability. Evans recognizes this and advocates for involving children in the problem-solving process. Through involvement, kids are coached and trained in conflict resolution, all by using these 6 steps:

1. Approach calmly, stopping any hurtful actions.
2. Acknowledge children’s feelings.
3. Gather information.
4. Restate the problem.
5. Ask for ideas for solutions and choose one together.
6. Be prepared to give follow-up support.

What I Like About the Book

I really enjoyed all aspects of the book. The set-up is consistent and easy to understand. The combination of illustrations (by the talented Jonathon Wilcox) and text simplify very complex situations. Since conflicts can be so frustrating, it’s really helpful to see them illustrated and analyzed from different perspectives.

You’re Not My Friend Anymore! is filled with a spectrum of common behavior issues, such as sharing, excluding children, separation anxiety, biting, etc. Evans makes these issues very easy to tackle. The 6 steps for problem solving work beautifully for the various scenarios.

If you’ve ever read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, you know how useful those illustrations were in bringing the scenarios to life. Similarly, You’re Not My Friend Anymore! provides illustrations of  1). typical responses to these behavior issues and 2). problem-solving responses to these issues.

Recommendation

I recommend that all parents, teachers, and caregivers read You’re Not My Friend Anymore! This book is a must-read for anyone who will be in the presence of children during a conflict. Parents should keep this one in their parenting toolbox for quick reference.

You will continue to see links to this book in future Child Perspective articles because it compliments my parenting methodology so perfectly.

For most, it’s the morning to-do list that creates the power struggle and frustration, but for some kids it’s simply hard to wake up and get going. For others, saying goodbye is a long dreaded event.

Waking up: If your child is struggling to wake up in the morning, consider an earlier bedtime. You can alleviate any hesitations around this by reminding yourself that most kids do not get enough sleep and it is negatively impacting their overall performance. In addition, you can employ a strategy that has great success for adults: an alarm clock. Choose either a sunrise alarm clock (light that gradually gets brighter to mimic the sunrise) or a regular alarm set quietly to music.

Saying goodbye:  If saying goodbye is the challenging time for your child, then talk about it at a time when you know he will be relaxed and receptive. Don’t initiate this conversation in the midst of a situation when you are trying to leave. Save it for the family meeting.

In the meeting you can clarify your needs or expectations and explain why they are important to you. Your child will appreciate hearing some details about your day. This information might help him accept why you need to leave. “I need to drive to work so that I can write on the computer” (fill in the blank).

A conversation about this should always be a two-way street. Find out what part of leaving makes him sad. Ask how you can help him not feel sad. Create a secret handshake or other way to say goodbye that feels special and authentic. The Kissing Hand is a great book for talking about this with kids.

In general, it is always advantageous to prepare your child. Preparing him for the day might include saying, “When I drop you off at daycare, I’ll take off your jacket and then give you a big hug. I’ll need to leave quickly so that I can go to work. I’ll be thinking about you all morning and will see you after lunch. Then we can read a book together.”

If your child struggles in the morning or you are having a hard time getting out the door with your nerves intact, shoot me an email and let’s brainstorm solutions.

Yes. But, first you will need to identify what’s getting in the way. Does your child have trouble waking up or saying goodbye to you? I address those issues here.

For most kids, completing the morning tasks presents many challenges. The techniques below will address some of those challenges and can remedy the situation overnight.

Begin by simplifying the list and allowing your child to take more responsibility in its completion. Understand that a majority of the struggle is probably about control. You are most likely over-controlling the routine through constant nagging and rushing. All the while, your kid is certainly craving more control over his own routine. There are some simple ways to address this part of the struggle:

1. Buy a timer.
2. Create a to-do list (with your child) for his morning routine and define a set amount of time for each activity. Let a timer be the controller. You will be surprised by how much your kid delights in this! He will suddenly feel in control of his morning. The last item on the list should be PLAY, which will encourage him to complete the other tasks. Making the list can be a fun activity too. The more you include him, the more he will take ownership and tackle the morning routine for himself .
3. Consider some other areas where you can give your child more control without compromising your own need to get out of the door on time. For example, allow your child (even a toddler) to choose his own clothes. When my 2 year old was ready to choose her own clothes, I introduced the idea by giving her a choice of two: “Do you want to wear this or this?” She quickly got the hang of how to choose all of her clothes from the seasonably appropriate piles in her drawers.
4. When you are tempted to nag and rush, stop yourself. Become aware if you are feeling stressed, or maybe you’ve developed a bad habit of nagging. Instead gently remind your child, “If you finish your list, you’ll have some time to play.” Positive reinforcement feels better for everyone involved and usually gets better results.
5. Harness opportunities for your child to experience the consequences of his choices. These opportunities are the greatest teachable moments. If after employing these techniques your child is still straggling (not getting dressed or eating breakfast), then take him to school as-is. Really. It won’t happen twice. When I was teaching preschool, I urged the parents to do the same. A few families brought their children in partially dressed with the remaining clothes in a bag. It only happened once for those children.

Get off on the right foot

With some commitment and focus to addressing the problem, you can enjoy a more harmonious morning tomorrow. And, a more harmonious morning bodes well for a more harmonious day. You and your child will be getting off on the right foot.

Every Sunday evening we sit together to discuss . . . whatever. Whatever is up that week. Whatever is working really well. Whatever is not working. Whatever we want to see changed. Whatever. There is not a magic formula at this point, it is simply a time and space to talk and listen.

It’s an eagerly awaited event in our house each week. The kids love it. They love it in part because we have dessert on meeting nights. They love it in part because it helps them feel like integral members of our family in a way that regular discussions do not. They like having a vehicle to air grievances, make family plans, and family decisions.

Family meetings will look different for every family and every aged child. At this stage in my family (with two young children), the meeting was initially set in motion to create a well-established habit. While these meetings are mildly productive at this stage, I know there will be other phases down the road when they will feel like an absolute necessity.

Benefits of family meetings:

• keep lines of communication open
• intentional space to express discontentment in a productive way
• builds family connection and unity
• develop problem-solving skills
• builds self-esteem in children to have input in their day-to-day lives
• space to announce big family decisions
• time to discuss serious family issues, brainstorm ideas, and come up with solutions

Suggestions for conducting a family meeting:

1. It’s never to late to start, but will be easier to initiate when children are young.
2. Establish a specific time when all family members will be present.
3. Tell children that you are going to begin to hold meetings to share what is going on in everyone’s life.
4. Parents should be co-moderators in the beginning (depending on the age of children, you can designate a new leader and secretary every week).
5. Set some basic guidelines for speaking, listening, not interrupting, honesty, etc.
6. Allow everyone to have a turn to speak.
7. Keep the meetings relatively short (especially with young kids) and maintain a calm, compassionate space.
8. Create a method for covering all topics. The “go around” method works well. Go around the table to give everyone an opportunity to respond to the topic. Some families begin by complimenting each family member, then raising issues, then problem-solving. Choose a system that works best for you.

Does your family have family meetings? Do you think you might start?

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Seeing the world through my child’s eyes has been the single best way for me to fine tune my parenting. When I need direction on how to handle a situation – from addressing sibling rivalry to how we arrange our furniture to simply choosing a birthday gift - I look first to my child. What is my child’s perspective?

But, how do we tap into our child’s perspective? It begins with observation. This is different than simply watching your child. You can learn how to observe here.

Believe me, I know that understanding your child’s perspective can at times feel like climbing Mt. Everest. Backwards. It does get easier with practice.

I encourage you to start bringing your child’s perspective more and more into your own awareness. You can begin this every evening after your child is asleep.  Reflect on the day from his perspective. Reflection is the key. The zen of it. The essence of it. Below are some sample questions to help guide you:

• Were there ways that he felt like he contributed meaningfully to the family’s experience?
• Did he feel listened to attentively?
• What difficulties did he encounter? Were they avoidable?
• Did he experience positive outcomes?
• What did he engage with in his unstructured time?
• Was the room safe and appropriate for him to explore independently?

With practice and commitment, imagining your child’s perspective will become second nature and hopefully encompass all parts of the day. This understanding and deep connection with your child will provide innumerable and unexpected benefits. I look forward to hearing your experiences with this, both the struggles and success stories.

You can read more on understanding your child’s perspective visually, intellectually, and emotionally, plus these bonuses:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly