MUST READ:

• Between Parent and Child, by Dr. Haim G. Ginott
• How to Raise an Amazing Child the Montessori Way,  by Tim Seldin*
• John Rosemond’s Six Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children,  by John Rosemond
• How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• Montessori From the Start, by Paula Polk Lillard and Lynn Lillard Jessen*

BONUS MUST READ

• Playful Parenting, by Lawrence Cohen

* Please note that I consider the Montessori books listed above invaluable, even if your child is not attending a Montessori school. They offer solid, practical guidance for parenting.

Children yearn to understand us, since we provide context for this wide world. It helps us and our children when we are honest about our feelings, even our anger. Since it is a given that we will all feel angry with our children sometimes, let’s put the guilt aside and learn how to do it productively. How can we vent anger in a healthy way? Can we go BOMBALOO (to quote a wonderful children’s book) without causing damage and maybe even teach a positive life lesson?

Each child is highly attuned to her parent’s mood and energy, beginning before birth. Before the autonomic nervous system has developed, the baby looks to her primary caregiver for cues on her emotional state (arousal, recuperation, fight or flight, etc). This is a biological instinct that allows the child to develop a unique bond with her parents. This bond continues to develop as the relationship evolves, leaving children deeply tuned in to our energy and moods. So, when we present something different than what we are feeling, our children recognize this discrepancy, which leaves them feeling insecure and isolated. They want to hear words that reflect their parent’s true feelings.

The manner in which expressions of anger can be helpful and productive is similar  to that of praise and affirmation, in that the expression should be descriptive and in proportion to the related event.  Expressions of anger should avoid judgment and criticism, such as labeling (i.e. name-calling) and blaming.  It is okay to be very, very angry, but don’t lose control of yourself.  Do not treat your child like the enemy by being hysterical and attacking her personality or character. The more specifically the anger is  targeted and proportional to what was done, the more constructive it will be to the child.

Even though on some days the littlest things can tip us off, it does not help the child’s learning if we are as angry about a spill as we are about her hitting a friend. Differentiate a merely unpleasant and annoying event from one that is very serious or even catastrophic.  A spilt drink can be frustrating in many circumstances, but it is always an opportunity to  show your child that accidents happen and allow her to participate in the clean up: “I see you spilled your drink. That’s frustrating, but it’s OK. After you clean it up with a sponge, I will refill your cup.”  With a minor event such as a spill, we can observe our child’s reaction/behavior and modify our responses accordingly.

On the other hand, a rude or dangerous action often requires an immediate, firm, and abbreviated response.  No long lectures.  The child is not in a receptive state.  Later in the evening, during a time that is not charged with this event, have a broader discussion where you can calmly discuss the incident and introduce important  family values.

If you do find yourself swept up in the emotion of it all, which at times we all will, remember the words of the brilliant psychologist (and mentor to authors Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber), Dr. Haim Ginott.  He stated in his book, Between Parent and Child:

There is a place for parental anger in child education.  In fact, failure to get angry at certain moments would only convey to the child indifference, not goodness … This does not mean that children can withstand floods of fury and violence; it means only that they can stand and understand anger that says, “There are limits to my tolerance.”

Anger should be expressed in a way that brings some relief to the parent, some insight to the child, and no harmful side effects to either of them.

Anger is an inevitable, recurrent emotion, so it is futile to wish it away or to be ashamed when it rears its head. The best response for you and your family is to recognize and respect it. When your anger does make an appearance, give it the space it deserves, keep it descriptive and non-judgmental, and then follow up with your child during a less heated time.

Gwyneth Paltrow describes her process with this on her site, GOOP:

For more thoughts on anger management, check out these resources:

• Dr. Sears
• Berkeley Parents Network
• Anger Management Parenting