Child Perspective » nighttime fears

Nighttime fears

Emily — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 13:20:59 +0000

Kids have fears. Some kids have many and others not so much. Regardless, the dark, quiet, solitude of night can bring up fears for even the most settled.

Whether your kids cry-it-out or get snuggled endlessly during those dark hours, nighttime fears require a different approach. Fears are not rationale and therefore cannot be ignored or reasoned away.

Rather, plenty of positive nighttime experiences will go a long way toward alleviating those fears. I’ll explain how to create those in a minute.

First I want to encourage you, if you have a child who struggles around sleep, to work really, really hard and consider your child’s perspective. Yes, I’ve said it again – child’s perspective. Truly understanding your child is the foundation to a good parent-child relationship. You can read more about understanding your child’s perspective here.

Back to creating those positive nighttime experiences.

Is your child’s resistance to falling asleep for fear of the dark? Or, is he waking scared during the night?

Rather than trying to console your child in the same space where he is feeling uneasy, pick him up or take his hand and walk quietly through the dark house. Make this a peaceful, relaxing event. Not one where you are frustrated that this is happening. Remember, he reads your cues. You are trying to calm your child.

When my own daughter has awoken with fear during the night, I have carried her around the house speaking in a soft, reassuring, sleepy time voice. This might be hard to imagine, but it has really helped my kids! They feel understood and respected, which is reassuring when fear creeps in.

I describe familiar things: “There is the bathroom, your hoppity horse, our dog, the kitchen. And look out the window, there is Sam’s house. Everything is just the same except the sun is sleeping” [or on the other side of Earth or whatever age appropriate language you choose]. This has helped both of my girls put their fears of the dark to rest. Fear is not rationale, but can be eased by positive experiences.

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the ten part series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

Calm Yourself to Calm Your Kids

Emily — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 21:52:33 +0000

Ever wonder why your kids seem to flip out on days that are already stressful? It can feel spiteful. Like they are out to get you.

But in those glorious moments of sanity, we know that’s not the case. It has more to do with science and child development than spite.

You see, every child is highly attuned to her parent’s mood and energy, beginning before birth. Before the autonomic nervous system has developed, the baby looks to her primary caregiver for cues on her emotional state (arousal, recuperation, fight or flight, etc). This is a biological instinct that allows the child to develop a unique bond with her parents. This bond continues to develop as the relationship evolves, leaving children deeply tuned in to our energy and moods.

So, when a reader recently described this very thing, I was delighted.

One thing that helped me when I used to snuggle with my son to help him to go to sleep was breathing as if I were sleeping, a bit exaggerated, slow and deep.

Yes! That’s another example of how children’s autonomic nervous system is still developing.

This slow, deep breathing is a favorite stand-by in our house too. It’s super effective! Especially compared to the nights when I would anxiously count down the minutes til they fell asleep with the long to-do list scrolling in my mind. My kids seemed to stay awake longer!

In fact, I would have the opposite result when I completely relaxed my mind and body. The process of relaxing myself simultaneously soothed whichever child I was snuggling.They would also fall into a deep, relaxed place where they quickly drifted off to sleep.

Try it out. Bedtime might turn enjoyable again. Let us know.

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

Is Separation Anxiety Causing Unrest?

Emily — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:33:08 +0000

Separation anxiety is relatively predictable and recognizable in young ones but can catch you by surprise in older children. Young or old, it can cause great unrest during the night, whether it is putting your child to sleep or middle of the night waking.

A little about separation anxiety:

New fears and concerns set in once your infant turns 6 months old. Separation anxiety often begins then and might intensify a bit later between 12-18 months. Anxiety peaks in young children coincide with the child’s newfound locomotor independence (crawling or walking). The anxiety is a built-in safety feature ensuring that your child doesn’t just head for the hills.

Is this anxiety creating resistance to falling asleep and leaving you (or you leaving)? Some children will try anything to stay awake and prolong their day with you. For these instances, you have two good options. Try them out and do what works best for you and your child.

Stay present in the room until he falls asleep. Stay calm yet disengaged. You might pretend to sleep if you are snuggling on the bed. If you have a headlamp (found at outdoor recreation stores) or a separate chair, quietly read a book.
Or, leave the room a little before your child falls asleep, under the guise of needing to do something and with the promise of returning soon. He is likely to fall asleep before you return. If not, sit away from the bed for a few minutes before needing to leave again. Slowly, your child will begin to trust that you will return and he will fall asleep instead of waiting.

In addition, try kissing bedtime snuggly objects a bunch in front of your child and explain the kisses will be there all night. Or, put a picture of you or other relative nearby. And/or, play a white noise machine. They do wonders for lulling kids into deep sleep and keeping them there.

What has worked for you and your family? Drop me a line with your current dilemma or solution.

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the ten part series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

Lowering the Child’s Bedroom

Emily — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 13:39:36 +0000

When adjusting your child’s sleep habits, don’t forget to consider the bedroom. Spend some time sitting in your child’s room and looking at it through the child’s perspective. Apply these general questions to the bedroom:

Is the space simple, clean, and beautiful?
Is it peaceful and serene or busy and stimulating?
Does your child enjoy being in her room during the normal activities of the day?
Are items (books, toys, clothing) thoughtfully organized for the child?
Can your child complete age appropriate tasks independently? Bedroom tasks might include: dressing, putting away clothes, making bed, putting dirty clothes in a laundry hamper?
Can your child access age appropriate activities independently?

These questions will shed light on whether her bedroom really feels like her bedroom. The first step to your child feeling comfortable in the space is developing a sense of ownership and control. Your little one loves to have control. Give it to her in the appropriate times and you will battle less. Guaranteed!

Making the bedroom her bedroom:

Encourage your child’s comfort and independence in her room during the daytime.
Provide easy access to the essentials (bed, clothes, books, toys)
Invite her participation in creating a desirable space.
Play music and have a dance party in there.
Create happy memories in the bedroom (fun and relaxing).

Let’s look at the specifics:

Bed

Can your child get in and out of bed independently? Consider placing a small futon or mattress on the floor, even for a baby. It will be just the right height for your child to get in and out of independently when she is old enough to move around. This is true for all furniture, try to offer something child-size. Once you have made the bedroom safe, it is more interesting to move about it freely rather than be confined to a crib. (Note: Our babies slept in co-sleepers and then mattresses next to our bed until the early stages of potty-training were complete, then we moved the mattress into their room. It was a smooth and natural transition.)

Walls

Hang a mirror at eye level for your toddling child or just above the mattress for your infant’s pleasure. Children love to look at themselves and this is age-appropriate and healthy! They are able to learn so many things, including simply being “ready” to go (clean face, combed hair). If your toddler or older child can check her own face and hair, it removes you from a possible battle. Just encourage her to look carefully in the mirror to see if she is ready to go. Another step toward independence.

Do you have beautiful art hanging in your child’s room? Take advantage of the young child’s extreme sensitivity and expose her to beautiful art (focus on art with other children, animals, or nature and avoid popular media images). Hang these at eye-level, to help strengthen her sense of belonging and inclusion.

What else can you do to create a comfortable sleeping environment for your child?

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the series Quiet Night, Happy Night: