Parenting experts are ruining our kids.

But before I nose dive into that swamp, let me tell you a story. It’s a story that was told on an episode of NBC’s West Wing. It’s about NASA’s Zero Gravity Pen.

When NASA first started sending astronauts into space in the 1960′s, they quickly realized that regular pens did not work in zero gravity. The ink wouldn’t flow through the pen. So they spent the next decade (and nearly $1.5 million dollars) developing a pen that would work in space.

The Russians had the same problem. So they used a pencil.

I tell this story (it’s an urban legend, actually) to highlight an important point: we often spend large amounts of time and effort creating elaborate solutions to problems when simple answers are right under our noses.

Parenting experts are no different. Experts create a bewildering array of elaborate and contradictory solutions to parenting conundrums. Parents grasp for one solution and then another hoping to solve the current problem.

What Happens When You Don’t Trust Your Gut

How many times have you cracked open a new parenting book searching for answers? You hope to resolve your child’s behavior, which is sabotaging your family’s happiness. Yet when you actually try to apply this sage advice, it falls flat with a THUD! No drastic changes. Certainly nothing close to what the authors described.

This is simply because every child is different. Just like every adult is unique in her personality make-up, life experiences, temperament, and preferences, every child is unique too. It makes the experts’ cookie cutter solutions shaky, at best.

But here’s the thing, parents, our solution is right in front of us. It’s our own children.

Getting to know your child is the very best way to begin solving most problems. In fact, you’ll find the solution to many problems just through the act of really coming to understand your child’s perspective. Yup, that’s what I’m here to help you with.

See, every kid is unique. And while this sounds cliche’, it’s significance is also completely underestimated.

5 Ways to Get Your Parenting Mojo Back

1. Observe your child. Take time to unobtrusively observe behavior, mood, preferences.
2. Look for patterns. Realize that there is a reason behind everything your child does. Discovering the reason will help you significantly.
3. See beyond the momentary crises. Parent the whole child by regularly reflecting on your child’s behavior and disposition.
4. Accept your child’s temperament. Understand the individual characteristics that make up your child’s personality. They’re called temperament traits and aren’t likely to change, so you might as well learn to support them. (I’ll post more on temperaments soon).
5. Love the child you have. Put aside your assumptions or expectations and accept your child in all of her glory.

Taking time to really understand your child and your child’s perspective is one of the most influential parenting choices you can make, studies show. Understanding your child will help you determine the reason behind a particular behavior or concern. It will help your reaction to be more aligned with your child’s needs, thereby nurturing his growth and development.

By understanding your own child, you become the parenting expert. It is still important to refer to others for help at times, but you will be more targeted and successful in your approach by following your child’s lead. Learn from NASA and don’t try to reinvent the pencil. The solution is right there in front of you.

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Related article:

• #1 Parenting Secret

In my parent coaching practice, I’m often asked, “How can I cope with – or turn around – my picky eater?”

The answer varies depending on the child and family, of course, but a few general principles apply to all kids and families. It’s important to understand that  kids are picky eaters for a variety of reasons, least of which is just to be difficult.

Why Kids Don’t Beg for Brussel Sprouts:

1. they are biologically wired to resist bitter flavors and seek out sweet flavors
2. they may have limited exposure to a variety of tastes, textures, colors
3. they may not have healthy eating models
4. they may have sensory problems such as hypersensitivity to smells and tastes or “oral defensiveness” (Sometimes the child might require professional intervention with an occupational therapist for support.)

Usually these issues can be addressed simply by broadening the child’s food experiences. As trying and demoralizing as it can be, continue to offer multiple healthful choices, so that your child can pick and choose. Even if it’s been refused before, continue to offer it with confidence.

Tips to Encourage Healthy Eating:

• Expose your child to previously rejected food over and over again. It takes 15 exposures before children acquire specific tastes.
• Model a healthy relationship with food. Oooh and ahhh over vegetables the same way you might a slice of cake or scoop of ice cream.
• Talk about eating all of the colors of the rainbow. Encourage adventurous eating. Have your child choose a new fruit or vegetable at the store or farmer’s market to try.
• Prepare healthful snacks (fresh fruit and veggies) so they are easily accessible. Make these available when kids are their hungriest (just before a meal).
• Encourage and give positive reinforcement for adventurous, healthy eating.
• Teach about the importance of good nutrition (Think about reasons that matter to kids – grow tall, have strong bones and muscles, run fast)
• Give your child some control. Let him help with shopping or cooking or planning a meal and allow him to choose 1 of 2 new foods to try at a meal.
• Growing Food. Call healthy food, “growing food”. Kids value growing much more than being healthy.

Some kids will always eat anything. Some kids will become more adventurous with more exposure. Some kids will ebb and flow with their preferences. Like so many things parenting, it’s all in the presentation. If there is a negative charge in the food dynamic, take a step back and stop pushing. And by all means, DO NOT label your child as a picky eater. Once you do, you will have a picky eater. And a power struggle.

Easy tip: While I cook dinner, my kids each chomp on a whole, peeled carrot. They love these and I can feel good about it too. It eliminates (or minimizes) that end of the day grouchiness. Hunger and exhaustion are often the culprits, and a healthy snacks tends to eliminate as much of that grouchiness as possible.

Healthy Family Cookbooks:

Deceptively Delicious, by Jessica Seinfeld (Jerry’s wife). This is a great cookbook for those wanting to conceal the vegetables. I find it particularly useful for getting veggies into baked goods.

Organic Baby & Toddler Cookbook, by Lizzie Vann. This book is full of easy, tasty everyday recipes.

Feeding the Whole Family, by Cynthia Lair. A book filled with flavor-FULL meal ideas using only whole foods. It’s a great start for introducing lots of different flavors to your wee ones that you’ll enjoy too.

Birthday season is wrapping up in our house. It spans from mid-May to mid-July. The last one is today! It’s a particularly sentimental one for me too, marking my foray into motherhood six years ago.

We’ve had two months filled with balloons and pools and camping and cupcakes and chocolate tarts and good beer, depending on the celebrant. Or not. We’ve also made and written many, many thank you cards to our generous friends and family. Each one presents an opportunity to create art, choose someone to share it with, and reflect on their kindness and generosity. It’s a regular practice around here to feel grateful.

With each passing year, though, The Thank You Card seems to be falling more and more out of favor. It’s become about as quaint as a telephone cord.

The Demise of the Thank You Card

If adults choose not to show basic grace and courtesy, that’s one thing. They can easily chalk it up to being too busy. But to not teach a child that value?! To not even introduce it as an important exchange with another person is unfathomable to me. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but this is one tradition I highly value.

Why a Thank You Card is Important

Whenever someone does or says something kind to your child, I imagine you respond, “What do you saaaay?” …wondering when your child will learn to spit this out on her own. We want to hear the appropriate response, even if it lacks genuine feeling.

Yet it seems so many parents miss the opportunity for the child to initiate the gratitude. Thank you cards offer the perfect opportunity for the child to give back (with art and/or kind words) on her own terms.

Consider the Child’s Perspective

Remember, young kids are self-focused. They are wired that way. Because of that, they are better able to express genuine gratitude on their own terms. In their own time.

Now, that’s not saying that you shouldn’t prompt your child to say “thank you” when appropriate. This is still important. But after the party has ended or the grandparents have left, it is equally important to help your child reflect on the generosity of friends and family and follow this through a demonstration of their appreciation.

Involve the Child, for Pete’s Sake!

Once a child can hold a crayon, he can help with the card. He can decorate it. He can “sign” it. He can put a stamp on the envelope. He can put it in the mailbox. As children master new skills, they can participate much more. My six-year-old will make the cards, write the cards, seal the envelopes, put the stamps on and get them to the mailbox. It may seem like a lot of work, but just a few minutes every day knocks them out in no time.

And, if you can, encourage others to write thank you notes to your kids, modeling this lost art. Kids LOVE receiving thanks too!

Slightly related posts:

• Have a Thankful Kid by Thursday
• My Daughter Refused Her Gifts
• Bringing Meaning Back to Manners

Moments after publishing my post into the cyber world, BG’s school called. She had a slight fever and had to stay home for 24 hours. So I spent the morning that I had hoped to spend talking with a therapist instead watching my joyful daughter exuberantly swing herself across monkey bars and over climbing structures until the 24 hours had passed.

The timing turned out to be fine, though. That evening we put a surprisingly effective parenting technique into action and things have turned around here. I know you’re curious. I’ll share more about it soon, after we’ve put it through a thorough test drive.

All said, I appreciate you writing to praise my courage. It’s easy to stay courageous in our few minor setbacks. I can only hope that one day I will reflect upon my parenting as being courageous and inspiring. I’ve been in awe of the courage I have seen from fellow parent and blogger, Katie Allison Granju. (Yes, I’ve mentioned her writing here before).

Even with the tremendous duress that she has been under this past month, Katie can still weave emotion and clarity together seamlessly. Recently Katie went public about her oldest son’s struggles with drug addiction. She’d previously kept it quiet, but couldn’t any longer after an overdose (compounded by a horrific beating) put him into a coma. This horrible saga gets worse. Not only was he not able to walk with the rest of his senior class for high school graduation, but no one knows if he will walk again. Ever.

My heart goes out to this mother and writer whom I have long admired. If you are inclined to follow her story, she is posting most days at mamapundit.com. You can see pictures of her beautiful son, read about his ever changing condition, her process advocating for his needs against the insurance giants, and the occasional reminders that she is due with a baby any day now.

This is just surreal. This can’t really have happened. And it’s especially surreal to feel H’s baby sister kicking and somersaulting around in my belly while he is so still and quiet.

If you’re not inclined to follow her personal story, I think she would wish that you educate yourself on drug use in youths. She has written about regretting her not-overly-concerned attitude about his use of marijuana. We all look for our own faults in times like these. It’s natural. Although I do believe that as wide open as we keep our eyes (and ears) we can’t control everything. Sadly.

I’ve heard this is a very important book about addiction for all parents to read: Beautiful Boy.

I’ve said before how there is no such thing as a perfect parent. I’ve never met one and I am far from a perfect parent  myself. I have plenty of moments where I think, “Hmmph, if my readers could see/hear me now!”

Those moments occur far too often these days. I’ve hit a wall. It’s harder to have a fresh perspective and fresh start with BG (my oldest). I feel resentful to her for sabotaging our family’s happiness often and recently. I’m disappointed with myself for feeling so tangled up in this mess. And mostly I am sad for her and whatever she is experiencing.

So tomorrow Superdad and I will go brainstorm with a family therapist. And I have to say, I’m so excited. I used to send other parents to this particular therapist because of her instinctive knack and the constant rave reviews. I’ve also been told that she and I are like spitting images of each other when it comes to parenting. So, it feels safe and full of promise. The promise of some family peace!

And the promise of getting some traction on this slippery kid. In all of her delight and spunk, she has this one little slippery area that we can’t quite put a finger on. Just when we do, it slips out from under us again and changes form.

So, why am I telling you all of this? I’m hesitant  to air my kid’s dirty laundry online. And, it’s not really about that or her. It’s to highlight – again – that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. No one is flawless. But, in recognizing my weak spots I can be reaching for greatness.

I don’t measure my parenting aptitude by how I handle the smooth moments. I measure it by how I handle the hard ones. And lately, it’s not been great. I feel like I’m parenting on a banana peel.

I’m losing my footing, and need someone to help ground and guide me off this slippery path. And part of being a great parent is to recognize when you’ve hit a wall (or lost an objective viewpoint) and have the courage to ask for help. That’s what we’ll be doing tomorrow. Asking for some help.

A timer is a miracle worker, really. It’s like a “firing agent”, it takes the heat for you.

How does a timer work with kids?

See, when used appropriately, a timer holds kids to a time commitment without you being engaged in the battle. For example, “You can read until the timer goes off.” Or, “I’d like you to go brush your teeth when the timer goes off.”

The timer sets the limits and doesn’t offer much reward for whining and arguing. It is as unaffected by power struggles as parents can only hope to be. And kids obey the timer, if presented and used appropriately.

One trick is to anticipate the timing right in the first place. Keep time limits reasonable to allow your child to finish an activity without getting frustrated or giving up first. As with anything, the goal is to help your child feel successful.

Can a timer help you?

If there is a common struggle happening between you and your kids, imagine how a timer might help. A timer can’t help every battle, but it can help many. So whether it is the morning routine, getting your kids ready for bed, a child’s anger, or potty training, a timer might be an essential tool for you.

This is so successful because the child feels independent and supported.

How do you think you could use a timer to help your stressful moments? Share an example in the comment section. If you are reading this in your RSS or Facebook, click the link to head back to the site.

Tips to Help Kids Roll With the Time Change

1. Begin shifting the child’s bedtime. Put him to sleep a few minutes earlier each night for a few nights before the clock changes. The shift should be subtle enough that the child is still able to fall asleep.
2. Spend time outside. Being in the natural light automatically helps one’s internal clock adjust. Exposure to bright light in the morning (even the indoor kind) is said to help.
3. Be active. Loads of physical activity is critical for kids on so many levels. For the purposes of this tip, physical activity will help ensure that your child falls asleep more easily at night.

There are very useful techniques for helping your child wind down at night. This is a good time to employ these techniques. You can learn more about them here:

Unwind for Bedtime , Bedtime Breathing, Calm Yourself to Calm Your Kids

Photo courtesy of Kristin Smith

I’ve been thinking a lot about how standard parenting advice often misses the crux of the issue. After all, each moment with kids has so many ever-changing nuances that one cookie cutter solution will not work for everyone.

Parenting is a lot like tightrope walking. Tightrope walkers must feel precisely when to soften and when to become strong and firm. They must understand how to shift their weight, speed up, slow down, and when to stop. They must also know when they need more support (a thicker rope) and more training.

Sounds a bit like parenting, eh?

I’ve written an article about this, which I’m thrilled to have posted on Zen Family Habits. You can read the full article, Parenting on a Tightrope, here.

But, WAIT! Before you click over to read this article, I want to alert you to a problem. A few of you have reported that you haven’t received A Crash Course In Mindful Parenting after registering. If you are one of these folks waiting for the lessons, they are probably sitting in your junk folder. Go claim them and get started with the course.

To avoid this  happening in the future, just add my email address to your list of contacts. To do this, hit reply to one of the lessons. You’ll see my email address there. Save that as a contact.

Now head over to the site and read my post.

Even if you perceive your own relationship with money to be healthy, it is a big responsibility to teach your child sound financial values. Even harder if you recognize that your own relationship with money is out of whack.

This series will help you to guide your child down the road toward a healthy financial outlook that is rich will gratitude and generosity. Subscribe here to get started.

The foundation to a healthy relationship with money is achieved with some thoughtful language and modeling. Below are seven good points to keep in mind:

1. When it comes to teaching kids about money, sooner is better.
2. Teach your kids that people can spend, save, and give away their money.
3. Teach them that money achieves necessities (food and shelter) and goals (traveling, philanthropy, etc).
4. Introduce the idea that people have different priorities for their money. Make a point to discuss your priorities with your child. Help them to create their own priorities.
5. Be mindful of your word choices. Rather than saying, “I have to go to work now.” Say, “I get to go to work now. I work so that we can have money to buy food or visit grandma and grandpa or so that you can go to school.”
6. Homeless people or those less fortunate will inevitably be a topic of concern for your child. How will you address this?
7. Give your child money so he can gain experience with it. I’ll talk much more about how to do this in an upcoming post. But just a word of warning – when you give your child the opportunity to have some money to spend, remember that there will be “mistakes”. Better to experience mistakes on a small scale when he’s young.  This way he can learn the importance of making good choices with money before the stakes go up.

Future posts will look at the art of giving and receiving as well as the importance of allowance for kids. Stay tuned, because you might be surprised by the post on allowances. If you’d like to follow this series, subscribe here and the posts will arrive in your email inbox.

Related post:

• Top Rated Gift for Every Child
• Raising a Financially Intelligent Kid
• The Do-Gooder’s Guide to Raising Generous Kids

Parents often delight in trying to understand their newborn’s personality and needs. It can be exciting to get to know the newest member of the family. Yet, when it comes to older kids, many parents have a different approach. They try to control instead of observe. Ever known a helicopter parent?

It’s no wonder. Who wants to crawl inside the mind of a child who is screaming or yelling? Who wants to observe a stubborn or rude child? Yet this is when trying on another person’s perspective is critical.  Ask yourself what’s going on for your child when he is seems to be  irrationally acting in this way.

Admittedly, this is no easy feat. But it’s rewards are immeasurable.

The benefits speak for themselves. It’s training the adult that takes work.

How do you shift your perspective to unobjectively try on another person’s perspective? How can you crawl inside your child’s mind? First, and most importantly, put aside your own idea or fantasy of who you want  your child to be and be open to who your child is.

Many parents have preconceived ideas about how they want their kid to develop – confident, outgoing, adaptable, organized . This is understandable. But, when things turn out differently, parents mourn the loss of their dream child. Sometimes their mourning gets in the way of truly seeing their child for who he really is.

I will provide more tools for better understanding your child’s individual temperaments and behavior preferences in future posts.

In the meantime, consider two different, yet common scenarios:

Scenario #1:

You are eager to get your toddler dressed for the day. You have a big meeting at work and cannot be late again. Frantically, you are trying to get clothes on her, but she is doing anything to avoid you. It’s her favorite game. Then, she breaks down fussing and refusing to get dressed. Sound familiar?

So, you beg and plead. To no avail (unless you break down and offer a grand bribe). Then you lose your temper, throw the clothes on, and the two of you storm out the door for the day. A quick and discombobulated drop-off and you slide into work just. in. time.

Consider to yourself:

1. Why is she upset?
2. Is she tired or sick?
3. What is her zing?
4. How would she want to get dressed?
5. Are the clothes comfortable?

Likely, with a toddler, the child is wanting more control over the situation. Toddlers love earning some responsibilities and control. Rather than choosing her outfit and dressing her, give her the opportunity to participate.  If you aren’t comfortable with mismatched clothes, get over it! allow her to pick out her socks or underwear.

Consider your child’s zing. These developmental phases will tell you a lot about your child’s needs and preferences. Follow the zing.

Scenario #2

You are at the grocery store with your two children. While waiting in the check-out line, another shopper behind you starts crooning over one of your children (typically the one at that “cute age”).

“Oh, look at you and your cool sunglasses. What great hair he has! I love those dimples. How old are you?”

Meanwhile, your other child, standing like a shadow beside you, is looking on. What do you imagine he is thinking? Can you imagine? It might be different than what you are thinking or think he should be thinking. Read his facial expressions and body language. Is he also admiring his little brother? Or, is he thinking that he must be invisible or not as cute?

The hidden part here – that will bite you in the ass if you don’t watch out – is that your child will eventually act this out. Unlike scenario #1, he may not act this out now. In fact, many behavioral issues stem from previous experiences, not immediate occurrences.

Pay attention to these behavioral issues. Sit with each one (as it is happening or shortly thereafter) for a few minutes and try to understand your child’s perspective. This is the most significant change you can make to your parenting style!

Related posts:

• #1 Parenting Secret
• Expectations, Assumptions, and Other Reasons You May Not See Your Child Clearly
• The World According to  Your Child
• What is My Child Thinking?