Yes. But, first you will need to identify what’s getting in the way. Does your child have trouble waking up or saying goodbye to you? I address those issues here.

For most kids, completing the morning tasks presents many challenges. The techniques below will address some of those challenges and can remedy the situation overnight.

Begin by simplifying the list and allowing your child to take more responsibility in its completion. Understand that a majority of the struggle is probably about control. You are most likely over-controlling the routine through constant nagging and rushing. All the while, your kid is certainly craving more control over his own routine. There are some simple ways to address this part of the struggle:

1. Buy a timer.
2. Create a to-do list (with your child) for his morning routine and define a set amount of time for each activity. Let a timer be the controller. You will be surprised by how much your kid delights in this! He will suddenly feel in control of his morning. The last item on the list should be PLAY, which will encourage him to complete the other tasks. Making the list can be a fun activity too. The more you include him, the more he will take ownership and tackle the morning routine for himself .
3. Consider some other areas where you can give your child more control without compromising your own need to get out of the door on time. For example, allow your child (even a toddler) to choose his own clothes. When my 2 year old was ready to choose her own clothes, I introduced the idea by giving her a choice of two: “Do you want to wear this or this?” She quickly got the hang of how to choose all of her clothes from the seasonably appropriate piles in her drawers.
4. When you are tempted to nag and rush, stop yourself. Become aware if you are feeling stressed, or maybe you’ve developed a bad habit of nagging. Instead gently remind your child, “If you finish your list, you’ll have some time to play.” Positive reinforcement feels better for everyone involved and usually gets better results.
5. Harness opportunities for your child to experience the consequences of his choices. These opportunities are the greatest teachable moments. If after employing these techniques your child is still straggling (not getting dressed or eating breakfast), then take him to school as-is. Really. It won’t happen twice. When I was teaching preschool, I urged the parents to do the same. A few families brought their children in partially dressed with the remaining clothes in a bag. It only happened once for those children.

Get off on the right foot

With some commitment and focus to addressing the problem, you can enjoy a more harmonious morning tomorrow. And, a more harmonious morning bodes well for a more harmonious day. You and your child will be getting off on the right foot.

First let’s swap out the word rivalry for conflicts. Rivalry implies that this strain in sibling dynamics is about one another (the rival). Sometimes this is the case, but more often the stressors are from outside environments (parents, school or friends). These stressors add fuel to a naturally intertwined relationship and conflicts arise.

My family has had our fair share of these conflicts in the past year, and I find some comfort in the theory behind sibling conflicts. Hope you will too:

• Sibling conflict is natural. Fighting is normal among all creatures who live together.
• Turn the conflict into a positive life lesson. There is no way to eliminate it, but there are good ways and not such good ways to deal with it. Conflicts can be weakened and children can learn very positive lessons depending on our management approach.
• Teach life skills. Conflicts gives ample practice in negotiation skills and conflict resolution.
• Conflicts can beckon a more closely-knit relationship. Kids who are always interested in or entangled with one another (whether violent or loving) show more promise of being close throughout life than those who are disinterested and ignore one another.
• Don’t pigeon hole your children. Siblings’ relationship with one another changes depending on stages of development and their evolving needs. Be aware not to pigeon hole or define your children based on these rough patches.
• Understand your kids’ temperaments. This single act is critical in all aspects of good parenting, including respectfully handling sibling relationships. Your kids’ individual temperaments will play a large role in how well they get along together.

(To learn more about your child’s unique temperament, join the Crash Course in Mindful Parenting).

Like a lot of parents, how I cope with my kids bickering depends on the day. When my kiddos really get going, I feel like this is never going to end. It’s like I’ve been sentenced to my family’s version of water boarding.

The best thing I can do for myself and my kids is to take care of myself. If I’m on top of my game, I have a larger pool of resources to draw from. When my tank is empty, I am more reactive rather than mindful. It takes mindfulness, for sure, to turn these conflicts into learning opportunities.

Check out 7 Tips to Minimize Sibling Rivalry to effectively address these issues at home.

We’ve been through a few hum-dingers here, especially when our youngest moved out of our room and began sharing a room with her sister. But after creating a plan, setting some limits, and being consistent, we have come out on the other side grinning (even when any hope for change or a reasonable solution seemed grim, at best).

So, when I received this question from a dad recently, I could totally relate. Here it goes:

Our 3yr old and 1yr old share a bedroom We usually put the 1yr old down, easily. The 3yr old requires a more extended bedtime routine, with 2 story books and then sneak to bed, and more bedside time and story, trying not to wake the 1yr old.

When it comes time to leave, the oldest son acts up, yelling “Don’t leave” and makes all sorts of excuses, like, I need to pee, or poop – and he squeezes something out.

It is disruptive because it takes an unusually long time (2hrs) to get him settled, and he sometimes wakes his younger brother.

Children of this age (3-yr-old) resist bedtime for many reasons:

1. most often they just want to continue exploring and are simply not yet ready for the day to end
2. they do not want to dis-connect from parents (emotionally and physically)
3. they may be becoming fearful about shadows, noises, etc.

While an older toddler may not be able to recognize and verbalize the first two, he can express fear. Fear is a real response that is often not rational and therefore cannot be reasoned away, but with enough encouragement and straightforwardness, can be minimized. Consider your child’s perspective and imagine how to best support his needs.

If, on the other hand, you think your child is just playing that familiar bedtime game because he does not want to go to sleep or separate from you, then it is time to make a plan, tell it to him clearly, and stick with it. The way you approach this and explain it to your child is the most critical step. It will make or break the deal.

Example: “Since your bedtime has not been going very well and you have been getting upset, we’d like to talk about and create a new bedtime routine with you. This is what we think it should be. (describe it) Does that sound good to you?When we say ‘goodnight’, we’ll only say it once. When we close the door, it is quiet time. If you talk or fuss, you will have to sleep on the bathroom floor. We want to try it tonight and we know you will do great! Make good decisions so that we can read 2 books and you can sleep in your bed tonight.”

Some tips:

1. Set a book limit – and stick to it!
2. Create a routine – and stick to it! (ex: PJs, brush teeth, goodnight to sibling, 1 book while sitting on the potty, sneak to bed, snuggle, last book, hug, kiss, and good night)
3. Set limits and be consistent – if he fights the routine, then you immediately abort the routine and say goodnight. If he is crying loudly and disrupting a sleeping sibling, then he gets an uncomfortable consequence, such as: he sleeps on the bathroom floor. This will only happen once, if you follow through.
4. Praise the good. When he does the goodnight routine well, then you acknowledge it right away and continue to praise the next day. Before the next bed time, clearly remind him of his successes and request the same behavior for this night.
5. Give less attention for the negative and more for the positive – and stick to it!

What other suggestions do you have for this dad or any parent currently in the blur of sleep issues?

Your key to success begins with creating regular bedtimes and an enjoyable relaxing routine. Find some ideas below from the series Quiet Night, Happy Night:

• The Never Ending Good Night
• Is Goodnight Still Taking all Night?
• Lowering the Child’s Bedroom
• Sleeping Around
• Is Separation Anxiety Causing Unrest?
• Calm Yourself to Calm Your Kids
• Bedtime Breathing
• Nighttime Fears
• Unwind for Bedtime
• Quiet Night, Happy Night

Discipline is one of these issues. Let’s consider the disciplinary measure of time- out. Is a time-out the best method of discipline? Or, should we never isolate our kids when they are struggling? There are many schools of thought about time-out. What is yours?

Some parents believe time-out is an effective way to remove the child from a problematic situation while punishing him for misbehavior.

Others believe that when children misbehave they are really crying for attention and interaction. These parents assert that choosing positive ways to interact is more effective than rewarding these cries with a negative consequence such as time-out.

In preschool classrooms, removing a child from a problematic situation is common practice. Some teachers use it often and others as a last resort. In my earlier days teaching, I comfortably removed a child from a situation (playground time, group circle, etc) if there was inappropriate behavior. But, over the years, my beliefs and understanding were challenged by various situations and children.  I especially remember one particular child that I separated from the group every single day. Time-out, although I never referred to it as that, was not working.

I knew I had to switch my approach before this child became even more disconnected from the class and school. I considered the child’s perspective. I reflected on when he was getting irritable and acting out. It seemed that sitting was challenging for him, so he stimulated himself in negative, inappropriate ways (bothering his neighbor, fidgeting, making noises with his mouth).

I had a hunch that I could teach him how to manage his body and impulses in those situations. He began sitting on a spongy disc and squeezing a stress ball in his hands. Success! He did not have to leave circle anymore. His sense of self and connection with the group flourished after that adjustment.

This example from a school setting is relevant for parents too. Do you know a parent who puts his child in time-out over and over and over again. Does it have a positive change on the child’s behavior? Is it improving the situation? Usually the answer is no. So, I’m left to wonder what the parent is hoping to achieve by this. Just as I had to ask myself what I was hoping to achieve by removing the same child every day from group time.

While the disciplinary measure of time-out does have a time and a place, it is seldom the best response and constantly overused. Think of the word “discipline” as “training” rather than “punishment”. We have to understand our children’s natural impulses and train them to manage them appropriately. As Maria Montessori said in The Absorbent Mind, “We must aim at cultivating the will, not breaking it.”

Instead of resorting to time-out every time something “bad” happens, consider your child’s perspective. Ask yourself:

• Can I turn this into a positive?
• Can I connect instead of isolate?
• Can I address the underlying problem?

Are you a believer in the effectiveness of time-out?

Do you have alternative modes for discipline that you find more successful?

Please share your thoughts below and subscribe to follow the conversation.

10 tips (plus a bonus) to curb your child’s anger:

1. Acknowledge feelings. Whether you understand or agree with your child’s distress does not matter. Instead of dismissing her feelings as overly sensitive or irrational, say something like: “you look so mad!”
2. Work to “catch” your child being good. Find every opportunity to say something positive especially when a child is particularly sensitive and relations might be tumultuous.
3. Write down a free-flowing list of the problems as you see them (include both parents, if applicable). Write down everything that frustrates you either in the moment or at the end of the day. This will lead to #5.
4. Talk with other people in your child’s life.Understanding what they experience and the pervasiveness of your child’s anger will give you insight into the depth of the issue and maybe even the cause.
5. Try to identify a common theme and/or trigger (reflect on #3 & 4).Understanding this will shed light on the root of the problem, which will enable you to make permanent changes, rather than temporary bandages.
6. Turn to resources, such as books or websites based on the specific theme or situation (sibling rivalry, school trouble, friendship challenges, perceived inadequacies or imbalances, etc). Yes, this takes time, but some aspects of parenting are not intuitive. Rely on experts to ease these struggles.
7. Prioritize the list of problems to address, and focus on one at a time. Action lists help to keep everyone focused and on-task. Place sticky notes around to remind you of the one focus for the week.
8. Create a tangible game plan. Read about my personal process with this here.
9. Present the plan to the child. In many situations, involving the children sends the message that helping them is very important to you. It also inspires and  empowers them to be an active part of the game plan.
10. Be intentional. Intentional parenting is in part about making the minute changes necessary to keep up with your ever-changing and evolving child.

BONUS TIP

Tell your child again and again how much you love them. Don’t assume your child knows how you are feeling. This may be a shock, but your child does not know how much you love them, how proud you are of them, or how often you think of them.

Be aware of children’s constant development and understand that what works today might not work tomorrow. For the same reason, what was a problem yesterday might not be as dramatic tomorrow or next week. With the appropriate intervention, these phases are often quick to pass, although it’s easy to question this in the heat of the moment.

I recently wrote in Curb Your Child’s Anger about a common feeling for children of imbalance in relationships. This is the root of much anger and has been a theme in our house recently as our daughter has been expressing this to her younger sister and parents.

It was initially surprising, then intriguing, but very quickly became absolutely maddening and kind of terrifying. Not that her anger was violent, but terrifying because we did not recognize this child at all and it was only getting worse, despite multiple attempts at intervention.

Now I’m doing the hard job of taking many, many steps back – almost trying to get a bird’s eye view of the situation. What is my child’s perspective?

What I see is painful for me, but I’ve learned (relearned, really) that my reactions (while thoughtful and well-informed) were only exacerbating the situation. I may have been saying the right words, but I felt annoyed and disgusted and those feelings always permeate.

This experience of imbalance leads to a cycle where the child feels yucky and acts that out → triggering parents anger → parents expressing those feelings of blame or anger → child feeling hurt and isolated by being blamed or scolded → increasing child’s level of anger→ all circling around with an ever-increasing ferocity.

In addition to implementing these 10 steps (read my own process below), I have recalibrated my own thinking, experience, and approach. I feel more balanced in my presence with my daughter again. I have somehow refilled my reservoir of patience, love, compassion, and admiration. The shift in dynamics has been dramatic.  She has responded with almost textbook-like results . . . except when she was hitting her sister before bed tonight, alas.

My process for addressing this anger was to follow the 10 tips to curb your child’s anger, including:

1. I read these two wonderful books: Beyond Sibling Rivalry and Playful Parenting.
2. I asked a good friend, whose parenting style I respect, to step in during play dates and address my daughter’s behavior (This offered me a break, other options for responding, and a significant message to my daughter that what she was doing was inappropriate. Most significantly, I noticed what my friend chose to ignore. I had been so frustrated I couldn’t let anything go).
3. I spoke with my daughter’s teachers and friends’ parents to determine if she was exhibiting this anger elsewhere, which would indicate a deeper issue. Fortunately, she was the same sweet child in all other situations.
4. I talked to my husband and we shared experiences, thoughts, and ways we thought each other could improve the situation.
5. I  reminded myself that my daughter was not always trying to get a rise from someone, but sometimes was just making the normal mistakes (rather than these horrendously amplified bad choices we had been seeing more recently).
6. I became extra alert to her sensitivities to try to understand what was setting her off.
7. I was more aware of how I was responding to her younger sister’s misbehavior and if it felt “equal” for the older daughter.

These are just a handful of the notable shifts we have made. It will be different for every family, particular situation, and child’s particular personality.

Please share your own tactics for addressing your child’s anger in the comment section.

“That’s not fair” is a frequently heard complaint from kids. In fact, it is often the pinnacle of their anger.

At this point, kids want to be able to explain the problem and their feelings. They want to feel heard. They want their feelings to be accepted. Unfortunately, when parents hear this cry, they automatically respond by reassuring the child that things are indeed fair.

This creates even greater frustration and anger, because the child does not feel heard or understood. And, it misses the point. Our goal as parents is to understand why something feels amiss to a child.

Reasons for “that’s not fair”:

1. It’s not fair = I don’t like this
2. Genuine imbalance in their lives and/or relationships

It can be difficult to tell the difference between the two, but I encourage every parent to take careful stock of the situation before brushing this statement off.

It’s not fair = I don’t like this

Unlike “I’m telling on you!”, “that’s not fair” is a phrase parents will hear for many years to come. It means different things at different ages.

A preschool child will consider differences in bedtime or seat assignments a fairness issue. School age children might consider strict rules around TV to be a fairness issue, while teenagers consider an early curfew an unfair act. These complaints reflect disappointment that something has not gone their way.

Rather than trying to reason with your child about why it is, in fact, fair, it’s important to acknowledge their disappointment or frustration. If the complaint is a reaction to an important rule (safety, health, etc), then stick with it. If there is a reasonable way to show a little give-and-take without compromising an important rule or value, then model this process for your child.

Genuine imbalance

Genuine imbalances can happen without us recognizing it as such and/or knowing how to change it. When a child behaves poorly, it often represents an imbalance. Maybe your child is stressed about demands at school or a challenging friendship dynamic or what he perceives to be an imbalance of time, attention, or love toward another sibling.

Children crave harmonious relationships and family life in the same way that parents do. When a child’s efforts to do well at school, or on an athletic field, or at home with a sibling receives our praise, support, and encouragement, that is a sign of the relationship being in balance. When these efforts are met with indifference, immediate correction, or disapproval, then the relationship quickly becomes imbalanced.

These imbalances take time to understand. With an older child, we can have a discussion, which entails being available and ready to listen. A young child is less able to reflect and pinpoint his own discord, so we have to imagine his perspective, through observation and honest, thoughtful reflection.

Once we feel like we understand the root of the frustration, then we must find the compassion and openness to address it appropriately, without being defensive. Read 10 Tips to Curb your Child’s Anger for more on this.

While this takes time, energy, and thoughtfulness, the rewards are ten-fold. I’ve experienced them personally. You can read about my own agonizing struggles with imbalance here.

Are we adequately prepared? Where’s our village?  Anna Quindlen wonders the same:

So why is raising kids the most important job we ignore from a preparation point of view? Oh, there are more parenting classes and books than in the days when tutelage was mainly your mother saying, “You’ll spoil that child if you pick him up every time he cries.” A few high schools give their students a baby doll to carry around and tend, but that seems largely an attempt at libido suppression.

“Parenting is a much more separate, solitary activity than it used to be,” says Harold S. Koplewicz, the director of the NYU Child Study Center, where Brotman also works. It used to take a village to raise a child, but there isn’t a village anymore. Instead of extended family, there’s a playground where everyone pretends everything’s fine, and a computer screen behind which women can say, under cover of mommy blogs, “How come this is so hard for me?”

The prevailing ethos about being a parent is that it’s mostly intuitive and uniformly joyful, even though the news, and our own lives, are full of those who found it so conspicuously otherwise that they made an utter mess of actual human beings.

Read more here: Quindlen: Why Do We Pretend Parenting Is Easy? | Newsweek Voices – Anna Quindlen | Newsweek.com.

Do you relate to this? Do you put a different face on parenting in public? Do you feel isolated in your situation?

I think I’m pretty honest about my experience staying home with my kids.  I am grateful to have the opportunity and love the depth of it all, but also feel like the famed Waffle House order: scattered, smothered, covered. It’s as if I’m wading through cement sometimes, being clawed at most of the time, and having my ear talked off all of the time.

I tend more toward feeling smothered than isolated, thanks to my strong support network (ra-ra to you all!).  And, I assume most people are feeling a similar mix of emotions throughout a day or week or month, which is unifying rather than isolating for me.

So, about this pretending things are fine when they are not and then ranting behind a computer screen — I’m working on a theory here that involves a combination of our busy lifestyles and growing up during the self help movement . . .

I was happy to read this recent comment posted on another site:

“I also, personally, wouldn’t resort to stickers from the start… the reward of wearing cool undies and being dry and not wearing diapers should be incentive enough! Save the stickers as a fall-back in case things really are still not going well after a couple weeks or so and she needs ‘extra’ motivation.”

What are your thoughts?

To read more on this subject, check out:

1. regression (see post on regression)
2. missing the zing and therefore training an older child

In either case, it’s time to evaluate the situation, stop the battles, and begin again with a fresh, new approach. First, empower the child!

REMINDER: Empowering does not mean relinquishing power to your child. It means to share some power with your child. Find ways to let your child feel some sense of control and independence, even though you, the adult, are “the decider”. Dr. Maria Montessori writes, “To let the child do as he likes when he has not yet developed any powers of control is to betray the idea of freedom.”

To begin: buy or create a calendar for your child. Open it up to today. Mark a few events or upcoming holidays on the calendar (someone’s birthday, snack day, swimming lessons, etc). With confidence and clarity, ask your child to choose a day to ditch the diapers (remember this is all diapers – daytime and nighttime).

Once the ditchin’ diapers date is set and written on the calendar you can cross off the days and look forward to the various events. Refer to the ditchin’ diapers date periodically and casually. Not as a threat. Not as a bribe. Just another event happening soon.

When the time comes, have your child help with ditchin’ the diapers (donating or passing them along to a friend). Support your child and encourage him so that he feels positive about this process. Empower you child.  By believing in his ability to succeed, he will feel capable of succeeding.

Believe it or not, children do love to gain independence!

Nighttime Tip: Take your child to the toilet before you go to bed and then again a few hours later to help avoid bed-wetting. These quick disruptions are less jarring for parents than changing sheets in the middle of the night. It also helps the child feel successful with getting to the potty and staying dry all night. The goal is for the child to feel successful.

The difficult part is really very short relative to the huge leap your child is making. Stick to it. Once you graduate from puddles on the floor and wet bed sheets, you are off and running.

Congratulations on taking control of the situation!

To read more on this subject, check out: